When I started this blog, I had a number of ideas of what it would be like. Expectations one might call them if you are so inclined. I had an expectation that I would be able to "share" the experience, and maybe someone who needed the same lesson could, put my words into some action against their own situation. How ego driven that must sound, for we truly know in the months after the purge, it was the ego which started the path of addiction in the first place.
Coming to the realization that it is myself that is responsible was easy enough. Making the change to NOT do the things I was addicted to was more harder, not harder than expected, but more harder. The point I find myself at now is this: What is the lesson? (it's not a short answer, you ll find the message in the details)
The lesson is that Ego drives all of us, it drives your thoughts, your ability to love and receive love. The ego is every emotion you have ever felt, and every fire that burns in your hear with passion, or in your eyes with lust. For every time you made a decision in life your ego was there, pulling the proverbial strings and you along with it. I found that in the months after quitting smoking, and the years after quitting hard drugs, that time, or my life in time, seemed to be somewhat "lifted". I began to not be doing the things that I was associating with negativity. Even the relationships I had that were not working, ..they just with some magick, began falling away.
Now listen, there are still many points to improve on, at this time though, let's just say the ground to deciding what the lesson is has come under my feet. Many lessons come after this writing if not as many that have come before.
The Ego, ..my ego that had brought me to my ends. I did not necessarily have much to do with it's formation. They say the lessons our characters learn as coping mechanisms are taught to us before we are 7 years of age. All that we learn before 7years old is the baseline for our self education, or rather what we "choose" to let educate us. Im not going to get into everything that happened to me before I was 7. What I will tell you is, I almost died getting through those seven years. And I don't mean this at all figuratively, or with a metaphor in mind. I literally fought for my very life at several point events. One of which I was in a coma for almost over 3 weeks..
The pattern I learned was that live was about survival, and that to survive was "important". On into my teen years that survival instinct,the one that had me hyper sensitive to almost everything that moved, it changed into a sort of "hunger". ( I remember my mom commenting that her children were too thin and started buying case lots of Ichiban Noodles in hopes of helping us gain weight). Survival turned into this hunger, and that hunger was my introduction to addiction...at first is was attention I needed, and when I had my fill of that it then turned towards substances (alcohol, lsd, pot during those years). In my case alcohol and pot got me closer to the harder stuff, and yeah, there was peer pressure from friends that now have nothing to do/say to me. Pretty shitty trade off to tell you honestly, not impressed with them.
If you ever have children, please promise yourself to provide for that child not only it's needs as a human being, but as a member of society. When raising children I believe it's most certain that a ounce of prevention is worth a pound discontent. Give them a life you can be grateful for, not one you have to ignore and lie about to get past the mirror every day. Don't give your children your bad karma and let them stand trial for you mistakes. Give them the very best of everything (and I mean the things from the heart). Without it, well guarantees on success get slimmer and increasingly few. Teach your children about the world as you want to create it. Not out of fear, but out of love, create a family, not a postcard photo. Read to your children, you have no clue how much this important, be there for your children and share your life with them; right from the beginning let them know that there is more than beats the eyes. And that blood runs thicker than water, there is none that are left behind.
I've tried many ways to get over the negative patterns in my life, ...and someday I hope there will be an end to more of them, paralleling now(s) moment. These patterns are there by you, and for you. They are there to test your endurance, they are there as teachers, and patterns are students as well. Patterns learn how to get under your skin, when you least expect it. Patterns tell you what you want/don't want, when you can have them in the foreground of thought. Patterns will attempt to control you, but you must be strong to not let negative ones find a foundation; with a foundation there comes a home for the tragedy.
Negative patterns for the most part can be the most powerful enemy we all have. Sometime it's true that it's not about oneself and that it's about others. There are other times though, that our "patterns", they control us...and therein is the birth of the real problem.
The problem is not the alcohol in the world, or drugs, or addiction. The problem is that we are all stuck in our respective patterns, bouncing off of one another in out daily events, sometimes like explosions and sometimes like the soft "bup" of a balloon on a finger tip. We find that without an answer to these patterns, we become attracted to fear, and that it is a possibility that we may never be "free" of them. This of course is the lie, for we are all soul providers for our respective reality, and we can infinitely change all things within it.
Some of us are born into a world where there are healthy patterns bred early in life by parents to their children. Others, of course, don't. Neither of them being in anyway a guarantee of success, exept all possibilities being at the whim of "lessons": learned/forgotten/destroyed.
What am I going to do now with all these new lessons? With many more to become reality rather than fiction, Im going to try and just keep positive and try not to fall apart. I am beginning to understand/control the ego for the most part (I still have bad days too). I rein it in some days, ..others not. ..it's a process.
I spend much time on my own these days/weeks/months after the big purge, ...and I enjoy that for the most part. The people I see regularily are not within a total deluge of drama, so I can be grateful for that. Drama happens, ...that's life, but letting it control a situation? ...well, that's easy enough to deal with (*steps aside*).
Nobody is so great that they are perfect, if they were they wouldn't be here. Perfection happens in a place where there is no matter, just light/love/grace. Perfection can, if you let it, be the crown of silence.
