There's always a lesson in the things that happen to, and around us; these lessons serve as markers, or milestones on which rest the ego, soul, body, or mind. Some lessons serve better than others, others can leave deep scars or no marks as all, and healing can come from there. It is true that the greatest lessons are the ones towards healing; and it also true that it is these greater lessons lead us towards balance, peace, fortitude, and the true nature of life: positivity.
I have struggled with my specific lessons, as do many others similar to me. I know though, that somehow through the pain in those struggles, that me and those others, are working toward something brighter, something of value and worth. The ones seeking not just answers and knowing, but also possibly even a light beyond normal sight, are of the highest in my eye. I hope that everyone one day finds the answers they need; and that the light that all of us find in birth and in death, somehow becomes unified with us in nature, and being, in the now.
There's a certain point when one realizes what it takes to travel the higher ground, the ground of maturity, and non-ego. Not everyone is ready for this step, and not everyone is ready to let go of the most important thing to themselves: that part of themselves that clings to the "I". It's normal and very common to do this, it's taught to us to act like this.
Individuality, ego, personality, character, the very person we are, it's that which we all cling to. We treat our bodies like we own them, and that because we are in control of the biology, that we are somehow entitled to respect or reward for being alive in them. This is false, and it is the lie that we believe to make our wounds seem more bearable, and within coping.
What we truly must have in our hearts to get towards answers, and enlightenment, and even light, is much more simple than most believe. And for the people that have spent the time to find a path towards the high ground, that thing is very easy to find. Some will ask others for it in hopes that there is some stop to their pain, yet it is from themselves that this thing is born...
It's one word..and it is forgiveness.
If one can find it in themselves to first forgive themselves, and then also others, then one will not ever be in true pain. Certainly, time will pass and people get older, ..so do their children, and their belongings. When an individual can find forgiveness for the things that have plagued them through their lessons. Then those plagues lose their power over that individual. The very things that are bringing us towards the greater need of humanity, our lessons ...it is wise to be forgiving with them, and if at all possible, gentle.
I am guilty of many trespasses, and I have had many walk on me like I was dirt, and always with my permission. I am full of love and affection, and I do not want to separate the world into boxes, and classes. I am not full of idle compliments, or empty promises. I give myself as fully as I am able, and I am proud of that. It can make me vulnerable, but in that vulnerability is a resilient Light Worker. I am proud at that fact.
I can be available emotionally, even if I don't have the "time". I make time, because the people that are important to me matter. And it means something to me to be there for them, even if they are unable to be there for me. Part of the Path is being able to walk on your own, as easily as with others...without negativity and vampire like reflexes that one finds in the guarded masses.
I am not perfect, and still I work towards it. I know that I may not find it in this life, or possibly the next, if there is a next. I am certain though that there is a light beyond sight; and as I dream every night, I try and fight so that everyone can hold it one day. So that all of us don't have to live in lies, and have no truth as secret from those of importance to each and everybody.
I don't have to seek your forgiveness to find my way on the Path. I forgive myself, and get closer to the crown of life in tune with my intentions. I don't need anyone to validate me, nor am I bound to anyone for any reason. I am within freedom through forgiveness, and I own nothing but an "opinion" on the shadows I live in everyday.
Good luck and thank you.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
New Meaning and Values
Since the beginning of this blog, over a year ago, it's been quite the experience. Taking my thoughts and feelings to another level of understanding, dreaming of things I have never dreamed of before, in places where I have not dared to tread. I could go into details, and share all the mixed and sorted spiritualist reasons and logic behind them, it won't bring you any closer to any God or Goddess, or deity therefrom. It may though bring you closer to something inside yourself, that is much bigger than anything we can imagine, or dream about.
I'm talking about that thing inside you that pushes you towards the divinity, we are all drawing closer to something amazing and wonderful. Some of us may or may not be aware, and there are a select few light workers I know are doing their best to keep it alive out there amongst the grey&black of matter.
I'm talking about the part of yourself that knows the difference between the three sides of the coin (if you've paused to look at the edge of the coin that is). The part that knows the Love, and the Pain and that hard edge of forgiveness between them. How could anything live and love without forgiveness and the growth that spurs forth from there.
Some people would like you to not find that place of Balance, and Truth. These are persons of control and force, and they are not your friend.
For truly, we have no control over a larger number of things, that we falsely believe, we do. This is not to infer we have no control, but that control and force are things that are more complex than some other things. That they come with strings and consequences that most are unable to manage. Sometimes not having control and force is an advantage (...freedom is born from the release of control and force). Choosing non-action as opposed to meddling will prove your "rewards sent" in many situations.
In these new times, as the World itself is changing and evolving, growing and lighting up with energy, we need to stay the course to Light. Forget what it is you want and just flow and take from the bounty that is already around you. You chose to be here, to live, to love, to do all the things you ever wanted to, inside that life and love. We forget that this Earth and also a Garden of Eternity, if we make it that.
Remember love, remember me, and the love I have for you through all that we experience. The changes are ever going to happen, and we may flow together and sometimes apart (for a moment). We are all born out of the same Star, the Sun, and it is into that Star we will all return one day. Until then remember that to give life meaning is one thing, and to also give it value is a greater thing.
Each day from here I'm making a promise to myself, a promise that will help with my growing, and forging more love out of this life. I am going to let go of you, and watch you blossom; and I am going to hold onto me, for it's the parts within that speak the greatest truth of "my" life. I am not going to take any meaning from the things here and now, I am only going to be grateful for their secret value. For it is in that secret value that I find the thing that draws me towards divinity.
Maybe it's not for some of you out there reading this, I know where it is that I am heading, ...I may not know what it's going to look like, or where I will be standing when I realize I have found that secret (inside) realized fully. I will tell you though, my eyes are open, I see you better now than I did before. There are no lies anymore, there is just the beginnings of something great. Something your welcome to join in on and enjoy, or leave behind if you wish.
The choice is yours..Where are your thoughts and feeling leading you?
I'm talking about that thing inside you that pushes you towards the divinity, we are all drawing closer to something amazing and wonderful. Some of us may or may not be aware, and there are a select few light workers I know are doing their best to keep it alive out there amongst the grey&black of matter.
I'm talking about the part of yourself that knows the difference between the three sides of the coin (if you've paused to look at the edge of the coin that is). The part that knows the Love, and the Pain and that hard edge of forgiveness between them. How could anything live and love without forgiveness and the growth that spurs forth from there.
Some people would like you to not find that place of Balance, and Truth. These are persons of control and force, and they are not your friend.
For truly, we have no control over a larger number of things, that we falsely believe, we do. This is not to infer we have no control, but that control and force are things that are more complex than some other things. That they come with strings and consequences that most are unable to manage. Sometimes not having control and force is an advantage (...freedom is born from the release of control and force). Choosing non-action as opposed to meddling will prove your "rewards sent" in many situations.
In these new times, as the World itself is changing and evolving, growing and lighting up with energy, we need to stay the course to Light. Forget what it is you want and just flow and take from the bounty that is already around you. You chose to be here, to live, to love, to do all the things you ever wanted to, inside that life and love. We forget that this Earth and also a Garden of Eternity, if we make it that.
Remember love, remember me, and the love I have for you through all that we experience. The changes are ever going to happen, and we may flow together and sometimes apart (for a moment). We are all born out of the same Star, the Sun, and it is into that Star we will all return one day. Until then remember that to give life meaning is one thing, and to also give it value is a greater thing.
Each day from here I'm making a promise to myself, a promise that will help with my growing, and forging more love out of this life. I am going to let go of you, and watch you blossom; and I am going to hold onto me, for it's the parts within that speak the greatest truth of "my" life. I am not going to take any meaning from the things here and now, I am only going to be grateful for their secret value. For it is in that secret value that I find the thing that draws me towards divinity.
Maybe it's not for some of you out there reading this, I know where it is that I am heading, ...I may not know what it's going to look like, or where I will be standing when I realize I have found that secret (inside) realized fully. I will tell you though, my eyes are open, I see you better now than I did before. There are no lies anymore, there is just the beginnings of something great. Something your welcome to join in on and enjoy, or leave behind if you wish.
The choice is yours..Where are your thoughts and feeling leading you?
Sunday, September 11, 2011
System Reset...
Through theses writing I have pretty much had my way in and out of sometimes seemingly quizzical notions. And I want to believe that there is some good coming from these writings, something that I could be maybe proud of in a humble way, beyond ego and material gain. I can/cannot, in separate breaths, be able completely to feel, and sense and arguably in contact with this. I am proud. I have found my way to the now and I have recently opened my eyes a bit further, not only top to bottom, but also from side to side. I have a bigger picture to look at currently.
I have only a small group of people (including myself) that on a weekly basis touch my life in one way or another, in a deep way at least. I express gratitude as often as I can, and am poorly also often as forgetting of the Universes' gifts to our particular crusade. This doesn't make me, any less of a Man of Earth, or of a Magician, or even the things I am beyond those two forms. In fact, in this action, in my ability to see the constant duality in the coin, and the fine, wonderful, and even, razors edge of that same coin, showing us all that there is a choice we are not always given. To stand beyond our outward toward inward expectations of ourselves, to not conform to the choice given. To find that path that is True, and willful for the part inside yourself that is speaking when we are in joy, and ecstasy...within.
I am fortunate to have a great ability to laugh and enjoy the company of those in my system of existence. Sometimes I get views of others from the outside looking in...I don't think I really see them though. I feel sometimes an empathy, and attraction...but do we really understand each other in our light bodies, the ones of joy and celebration?
I do want to...but Light is not always something we can trust, sometimes when we need we must find our way without that life giving force, sometimes the candle burning in the window on the hill is better to be over looked rather than investigated. Not that I would change any of my stories to lies and forget their lessons and knowledge, but if a wandering soul crosses your path with light that takes life rather than gives it, there are fierce and lowly means the Universe will grant "others" their specific "gifts". I want to believe that the paths of men and women are ones towards the divine, and the things within Spirit. I don't want to forget what I have been living through all of this for. I don't want to forget the cruelties of the past, and how they have shaped the person I want to become. Be discerning whom you trust within the different light(s) in the World.
Certainly there is risk in retreating into the shadow. There waits all of our fears, the Unknowable, the madness of Nothing, the possibility of the Abyss. I don't don't necessarily adhere to any or none of either of those abstract ideas. And still they become very real when given that as sight...instead of just interesting reading.
What I do adhere to is Respect, it's been a lot of growing, but I think I have found it; within and without. I adhere to Love, within and without, with Trust, Tolerance, and Truth. I start every relationship with the proper Peace, that I have to offer. (if only everyone had the same duty)
I may not always get along with everyone, and everything that goes in and around my life and the life's around me. I do though, try to listen to logic, and am learning to not criticize within that boundary. I have learned with the help of that close group of friends/family that criticism is not choosing love. That stereotypes, though often comical/satirical in nature, need to be addressed with more education than anything else. We are still learning, ...and there is a large lesson coming for all of us to pay attention to. Keep your eyes open.
Nobody wins through War and Hate. We need to find our True Nature. The one born in Stars.
I have only a small group of people (including myself) that on a weekly basis touch my life in one way or another, in a deep way at least. I express gratitude as often as I can, and am poorly also often as forgetting of the Universes' gifts to our particular crusade. This doesn't make me, any less of a Man of Earth, or of a Magician, or even the things I am beyond those two forms. In fact, in this action, in my ability to see the constant duality in the coin, and the fine, wonderful, and even, razors edge of that same coin, showing us all that there is a choice we are not always given. To stand beyond our outward toward inward expectations of ourselves, to not conform to the choice given. To find that path that is True, and willful for the part inside yourself that is speaking when we are in joy, and ecstasy...within.
I am fortunate to have a great ability to laugh and enjoy the company of those in my system of existence. Sometimes I get views of others from the outside looking in...I don't think I really see them though. I feel sometimes an empathy, and attraction...but do we really understand each other in our light bodies, the ones of joy and celebration?
I do want to...but Light is not always something we can trust, sometimes when we need we must find our way without that life giving force, sometimes the candle burning in the window on the hill is better to be over looked rather than investigated. Not that I would change any of my stories to lies and forget their lessons and knowledge, but if a wandering soul crosses your path with light that takes life rather than gives it, there are fierce and lowly means the Universe will grant "others" their specific "gifts". I want to believe that the paths of men and women are ones towards the divine, and the things within Spirit. I don't want to forget what I have been living through all of this for. I don't want to forget the cruelties of the past, and how they have shaped the person I want to become. Be discerning whom you trust within the different light(s) in the World.
Certainly there is risk in retreating into the shadow. There waits all of our fears, the Unknowable, the madness of Nothing, the possibility of the Abyss. I don't don't necessarily adhere to any or none of either of those abstract ideas. And still they become very real when given that as sight...instead of just interesting reading.
What I do adhere to is Respect, it's been a lot of growing, but I think I have found it; within and without. I adhere to Love, within and without, with Trust, Tolerance, and Truth. I start every relationship with the proper Peace, that I have to offer. (if only everyone had the same duty)
I may not always get along with everyone, and everything that goes in and around my life and the life's around me. I do though, try to listen to logic, and am learning to not criticize within that boundary. I have learned with the help of that close group of friends/family that criticism is not choosing love. That stereotypes, though often comical/satirical in nature, need to be addressed with more education than anything else. We are still learning, ...and there is a large lesson coming for all of us to pay attention to. Keep your eyes open.
Nobody wins through War and Hate. We need to find our True Nature. The one born in Stars.
Monday, August 1, 2011
the past will always pursue you...
This morning, in a dream, I fought with my past, and the things I have left in my subconscious from the past. I can say, I see many things day to day (just like anyone)... I see love and greatness in the world, not only in the the things that exist in it ..but also the energy within those things that exist.
I'm dreaming, and I see people riding bicycles through trees just off the property of my grandparents old property. I'm inside the front door looking out through the glass part of the screen door to the front yard. Instead of a street directly in front there are what look like hemlock trees (tall tall with the trunks all close together).
The bicycles are colored, one is white with a unknown man riding, and a red bike...the others are nondescript. The red bike emerges from the trees and an old friend of mine who I share some considerable negative past with hangs her head as she walks up the grade of the lawn.
I charge out the screen door, screaming and yelling for her to get off the property to leave and not bother me with her presence. She disappears....
Later, after some time walking down the hallway of Yarrow Elementary, I drop a container of something resembling hair product on the stairs to the front entrance. It bounces around wildly, but does not spill its contents and I exit the school to find two students outside, ..strangers ..teens ...well dressed, clean, polite. And the male of the two people he says something that catches my ear...I tell him he better not be talking to me and he begins to apologize for any disrespect and that he wasn't talking to me. ...I back off and tell him if he's not talking to me, ..Im not concerned.
...I find myself at a large black marble table with dark wood tiles around the edge of it's corners. Across from me is my friend again, ...she is very grey colored and she asks clearly "What have I done to you?" ....rage fills in me and I climb over the large table and begin pointing and screaming obscenities at her, charging her with the fact that she knows perfectly well what she has done in the past 19years to me.
I wake up and Im and cold, Im out of breath and my cat is stretched llying down asleep at the foot of the bed...
How, after 19 years of dealing with these feeling do I still harbor such anger and hatred still. Granted it was in the subconscious of my mind, activated by a dream. But still, ..if this energy is in me? How can I follow beside my kin away from the anger and hate. Beside my kin into the future beyond duality....
I want so much to have this over and done with, to know my Son, to know the Truth behind Why? all this had to happen...if any of us can hardly remember what it was back then. It was because I wasn't what Angie expected out of the Father of her child. It wasn't because I didn't take her back after she left me for 6 months in the dark without contact, after dumping me directly after finding out about the pregnancy.
I don't have to ask myself what I am angry at anymore, and though the dream was not directly about her, I know that the image is trying to give it to me lightly, and with some subversive nature, but what I am sure in my conscious mind that I am not welcome in these peoples lives...Angie's (mother of my only born child), Nikki's (best friend to Angie), or Troy's (the Son I don't know).
So with these things happening ....my rage (inside), and their apathy (in the material world) ....where do I find an answer? ...or do I stop looking for an answer, ..do I "move on" and "let go" of all it, ...and forget I even know these people, ..for certainly now we do not know anything of each other in the present. And if I do let go and move on .......am I still within love???
If I abandon the dream, do I forget how much that dream meant to me at one time? ...or does it just get shoved away into the depths to be sadly forgotten; only to reappear in frightening dreams that leave me feeling less than human, and more like an empty shell of a nut eaten by vermin.
My faith is not tested by this anymore. I know I will not have that dream now. As my Son grows into a young adult and matures into his prime, I hope that there is some part of him that knows I'm there for him....in spirit anyway. And if he doesn't, ..well, I'm good with that too, because, some wishes are too great even for a Universe with such vast possibilities as ours.
Thanks to all the people in the past 19years that know what I have gone through and been challenged by.
I'm dreaming, and I see people riding bicycles through trees just off the property of my grandparents old property. I'm inside the front door looking out through the glass part of the screen door to the front yard. Instead of a street directly in front there are what look like hemlock trees (tall tall with the trunks all close together).
The bicycles are colored, one is white with a unknown man riding, and a red bike...the others are nondescript. The red bike emerges from the trees and an old friend of mine who I share some considerable negative past with hangs her head as she walks up the grade of the lawn.
I charge out the screen door, screaming and yelling for her to get off the property to leave and not bother me with her presence. She disappears....
Later, after some time walking down the hallway of Yarrow Elementary, I drop a container of something resembling hair product on the stairs to the front entrance. It bounces around wildly, but does not spill its contents and I exit the school to find two students outside, ..strangers ..teens ...well dressed, clean, polite. And the male of the two people he says something that catches my ear...I tell him he better not be talking to me and he begins to apologize for any disrespect and that he wasn't talking to me. ...I back off and tell him if he's not talking to me, ..Im not concerned.
...I find myself at a large black marble table with dark wood tiles around the edge of it's corners. Across from me is my friend again, ...she is very grey colored and she asks clearly "What have I done to you?" ....rage fills in me and I climb over the large table and begin pointing and screaming obscenities at her, charging her with the fact that she knows perfectly well what she has done in the past 19years to me.
I wake up and Im and cold, Im out of breath and my cat is stretched llying down asleep at the foot of the bed...
How, after 19 years of dealing with these feeling do I still harbor such anger and hatred still. Granted it was in the subconscious of my mind, activated by a dream. But still, ..if this energy is in me? How can I follow beside my kin away from the anger and hate. Beside my kin into the future beyond duality....
I want so much to have this over and done with, to know my Son, to know the Truth behind Why? all this had to happen...if any of us can hardly remember what it was back then. It was because I wasn't what Angie expected out of the Father of her child. It wasn't because I didn't take her back after she left me for 6 months in the dark without contact, after dumping me directly after finding out about the pregnancy.
I don't have to ask myself what I am angry at anymore, and though the dream was not directly about her, I know that the image is trying to give it to me lightly, and with some subversive nature, but what I am sure in my conscious mind that I am not welcome in these peoples lives...Angie's (mother of my only born child), Nikki's (best friend to Angie), or Troy's (the Son I don't know).
So with these things happening ....my rage (inside), and their apathy (in the material world) ....where do I find an answer? ...or do I stop looking for an answer, ..do I "move on" and "let go" of all it, ...and forget I even know these people, ..for certainly now we do not know anything of each other in the present. And if I do let go and move on .......am I still within love???
If I abandon the dream, do I forget how much that dream meant to me at one time? ...or does it just get shoved away into the depths to be sadly forgotten; only to reappear in frightening dreams that leave me feeling less than human, and more like an empty shell of a nut eaten by vermin.
My faith is not tested by this anymore. I know I will not have that dream now. As my Son grows into a young adult and matures into his prime, I hope that there is some part of him that knows I'm there for him....in spirit anyway. And if he doesn't, ..well, I'm good with that too, because, some wishes are too great even for a Universe with such vast possibilities as ours.
Thanks to all the people in the past 19years that know what I have gone through and been challenged by.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Social Grace
I have spent a lot of time being social, in and out of bars, groups, friends, family...it's all ebb and flow. Sometimes we can find ourselves surrounded by love and grace, gratitude and respect. When we do it's best to not question the moment too deeply, and just enjoy.
At other times we cannot get what we want in terms of social interaction; we can find ourselves up against prejudice, ignorance, apathy, an whimsy. And while it's probably best to not delve too deeply into these forms, I think it's pretty much a granted that it's best to not judge events too deeply when they transgress. Who knows if in the same position one would be able to be as strong as to not fall prey to the darkness.
I see people everyday, ..busy, busy with all their errands and plans, appointments and meetings. Making times for this or that, making calls on the telephone to finalize, and confirm the days activities. They find in their movement a sense of purpose, or calling; they find their way to a completed agenda everyday. And still they are incomplete inside themselves as they come into their open doors at completion of those days.
Now we all do this, we have good days/bad days, and we live through each, ..some don't (I know), for the most part though ...the majority of us find our beds at night and fall asleep leaving the day and it's events behind, looking forward to another morning ahead full of promise and creative energy.
Some of us choose the high road and give as much as we can to the experiences of our days. It's true that charity and generosity is the path of Mercy, and vampire action and selfishness are that of the darker side of life. But really, do any of us choose the high road in every action, ...I say "no".
I say that certainly the majority will not take the high road. The majority will "take care of themselves" and even go so far as to forget their promises and plans to get into that space of gratification. This is not a reflection necessarily on humanity as a whole, but naturally the obvious choice for most, is to preserve themselves first and then think of others.
This is the fall of social grace, ..when the needs of the one out weigh the needs of the many. The needs of the many being attention, acceptance, love and communication. People want to do the right thing, they just get lost in their own needs and wants...they forget that without the rest of society they would be alone and hungry, without any of those things I just listed.
And still though, people continue in apathy and non-response...hoping that eventually the other half of the world and society will work out their issues on their own. "it's not my problem..." is what they say to themselves to give the passing issues in the world a place beyond themselves. A place beyond where they are not responsible for any of their actions, words, thoughts, ideas, etc.
They put themselves beside their lives, instead of delving into it. The distract themselves with drama, and lies; they create and live life through these forms and fall prey to the great malefic oppressor FEAR. The live in fear and that is why they live it these forms ...why they say one thing and do another, ..why they assign their name(s) to contracts, that they have in truth only assigned themselves to out of fear. This is not the high road in life.
Now, with that said, how can we all find ourselves within love and caring, within respect and abundance? It comes first, through being a creature of conviction, grace, and love. Do what you say, and be honest to yourself about what it is that you actually have to offer, if anything. Don't offer solutions you know you cannot meet, or live up to. Don't pretend you have time if you really don't, ...if you're not available. Being honest about what one has to offer is certainly one key to social grace.
Social grace is certainly not about giving everything else everything that you are and becoming. It's about being candid about the situation of social stumbles/availability, and giving credit where credit is due (regardless of ones own prejudice). Sometimes social grace is about sitting on the sidelines and watching the game happen before one own eyes and not getting involved.
It's certain that there is a power in silence and patience...and still there comes a time when one has to admit the game has already been won, .....by another team. At that point it's best to just walk away and search for another winning situation to appear. Why stay where one is already beat, where the trophy has been taken by another.
At any rate, it's each of our own responsibilities to not only respect ourselves, but to respect the world and the things in it with as much force. I fear though that I am dreaming of two weeks in Paris; we have a long way to go before we are all inside the boundary of the highroad. To forgive is divine, but unbalanced mercy will aid and abet evil.
To the winning moments ahead of me in my life, ..please send Truth and Light, Love and Respect.
To the losing events of my life already lived, ...you are quickly becoming distant memory.
At other times we cannot get what we want in terms of social interaction; we can find ourselves up against prejudice, ignorance, apathy, an whimsy. And while it's probably best to not delve too deeply into these forms, I think it's pretty much a granted that it's best to not judge events too deeply when they transgress. Who knows if in the same position one would be able to be as strong as to not fall prey to the darkness.
I see people everyday, ..busy, busy with all their errands and plans, appointments and meetings. Making times for this or that, making calls on the telephone to finalize, and confirm the days activities. They find in their movement a sense of purpose, or calling; they find their way to a completed agenda everyday. And still they are incomplete inside themselves as they come into their open doors at completion of those days.
Now we all do this, we have good days/bad days, and we live through each, ..some don't (I know), for the most part though ...the majority of us find our beds at night and fall asleep leaving the day and it's events behind, looking forward to another morning ahead full of promise and creative energy.
Some of us choose the high road and give as much as we can to the experiences of our days. It's true that charity and generosity is the path of Mercy, and vampire action and selfishness are that of the darker side of life. But really, do any of us choose the high road in every action, ...I say "no".
I say that certainly the majority will not take the high road. The majority will "take care of themselves" and even go so far as to forget their promises and plans to get into that space of gratification. This is not a reflection necessarily on humanity as a whole, but naturally the obvious choice for most, is to preserve themselves first and then think of others.
This is the fall of social grace, ..when the needs of the one out weigh the needs of the many. The needs of the many being attention, acceptance, love and communication. People want to do the right thing, they just get lost in their own needs and wants...they forget that without the rest of society they would be alone and hungry, without any of those things I just listed.
And still though, people continue in apathy and non-response...hoping that eventually the other half of the world and society will work out their issues on their own. "it's not my problem..." is what they say to themselves to give the passing issues in the world a place beyond themselves. A place beyond where they are not responsible for any of their actions, words, thoughts, ideas, etc.
They put themselves beside their lives, instead of delving into it. The distract themselves with drama, and lies; they create and live life through these forms and fall prey to the great malefic oppressor FEAR. The live in fear and that is why they live it these forms ...why they say one thing and do another, ..why they assign their name(s) to contracts, that they have in truth only assigned themselves to out of fear. This is not the high road in life.
Now, with that said, how can we all find ourselves within love and caring, within respect and abundance? It comes first, through being a creature of conviction, grace, and love. Do what you say, and be honest to yourself about what it is that you actually have to offer, if anything. Don't offer solutions you know you cannot meet, or live up to. Don't pretend you have time if you really don't, ...if you're not available. Being honest about what one has to offer is certainly one key to social grace.
Social grace is certainly not about giving everything else everything that you are and becoming. It's about being candid about the situation of social stumbles/availability, and giving credit where credit is due (regardless of ones own prejudice). Sometimes social grace is about sitting on the sidelines and watching the game happen before one own eyes and not getting involved.
It's certain that there is a power in silence and patience...and still there comes a time when one has to admit the game has already been won, .....by another team. At that point it's best to just walk away and search for another winning situation to appear. Why stay where one is already beat, where the trophy has been taken by another.
At any rate, it's each of our own responsibilities to not only respect ourselves, but to respect the world and the things in it with as much force. I fear though that I am dreaming of two weeks in Paris; we have a long way to go before we are all inside the boundary of the highroad. To forgive is divine, but unbalanced mercy will aid and abet evil.
To the winning moments ahead of me in my life, ..please send Truth and Light, Love and Respect.
To the losing events of my life already lived, ...you are quickly becoming distant memory.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
And about waking up in the morning...
Often I find I have these challenges in life, ...we all have them. It's really, on one level, all we really encounter in life...one puzzle to be solved after another; solutions waiting to be uncovered from the dark spaces inside our psyche(s). It's not surprising that some people shatter under the pressure. . Whatever we turn to to help with those solutions is what defines who we are and how we interact with the world. Everyone has a puzzle they wake up to in the morning, the same puzzle you prepared in the days/hours/weeks/years before you woke up, and the same puzzle which can overcome you.
Now just because there is a puzzle doesn't mean there is a challenge, or rather sometimes the challenges we set up for ourselves are not the most difficult. People set themselves against solutions that are not worthy of their higher self, and we find the masses grouped in this area. Instead of choosing a puzzle that will change their view of the world and the people in it. They choose a puzzle that is a reflection of themselves, and choose to fashion their work around naivety and denial, avarice and ignorance. Rather around honesty and open mindedness, liberty and truth, where the truth source of love can be found.
Recently, I won't lie, I have not been challenging myself much. I have been in a terrible downward spiral emotionally. I wonder constantly: "How do I solve this...?"... and I have yet to find a clear answer that is going to fit into a greater purpose for my evolution. I am meeting new people, and that is going okay, it seems that I actually can get along with people if they are respectful ones.
My Gran, the other day, said something quite profound to me the other day about me. I was complaining about my situation a bit, just casually as usual, and this is what it is.
She said, " Stewart everyone that meets you adores and loves you. They know that they don't have to doubt you. You are a genuine and unique person."
I was totally surprised at this comment, my Gran does not usually hand out compliments like this. And if she does, she certainly has not given any to me like that since before I can remember. It was great to feel appreciated in that moment. If only we all could feel that emotion constantly and unwaveringly without any interruptions.
I guess on some level that is what I feel I have been missing...the feeling of being "appreciated". I am surrounded by so much abundance and love. I am in contact with dozens of people everyday on so many different levels. Im an interesting person and if you haven't realized it yet, you truly don't belong in my field of existence. I acknowledge peoples individuality constantly, ..I try to raise them up in there quest to be themselves, and would not ever want to silence someone who is expressing their true nature.
Unfortunately, there are many others that do not feel the same way. Governments and Corporations, media and peers, even some friends and family are content to sit back and let the censorship happen without any resistance. Well, ...to that? ...I'll say "fuck you". You will not achieve the goal of silencing the peoples truth of the world; ...not on my watch, buddy.
Another thing happened to me the other day, and it was not as pleasant as my Grans affectionate compliments. I was walking, looking for breakfast, and bumped into a girl I know, and this girl is like a sister to me in this moment. We don't hang out "a lot" but there is definite a greater connection with something when we are laughing and getting along with one another. She was with another close friend of hers and they were also thinking about food. We decided to get some eggs and sausage to feed the three of us and some spinach to go in the eggs.
Everything seemed to be going just fine, ...we walked slowly across the East Side from where we were, taking the alley straight to my friends place. We sat down did the usual settle in after being out, and my friends, friend is the cook so he went into the kitchen and started cooking while my friend and I talked in the living room. Now usually when I am with this friend I don't not have to hold myself back in conversation. And I was talking about a date that I had had with a old buddy of mine.
I commented, "Him and I spent eight hours naked together in bed", and she piped up and loud clear, "...READING THE PAPER?!" I kind of looked at her funny and said, "Huh?"...and she repeated herself loud and clear, and quite confident in her words.
I was kind of confused for a split moment as I weighed up the reasons why she would say something like this. And it hit me like a brick truck on a highway....she had just attempted to censor me. Probably in the face of her other friend, which I suspect is a raging homophobic. (happily cooking in the next room). I had helped pay for breakfast already so I didn't take off like I probably should have. I let her silence me in that moment, and I didn't talk any "gay" talk any further.
As breakfast finished though, a lovely lovely meal that was pleasant and with smiles and happy belly's, I decided that I was going to leave and not keep them from each other. And in the following days I tried to call my friend to get some sort of clarification as to what had exactly happened, with no return call or message. I don't know what to do now. More cleaning of the shelves to make room for better things, I suppose.
It's horrible when we as individuals have to hide there true natures expression in the face of those that want to silence communication. It's horrible that my friend feels that this expression of mine is worth silencing in the face of her other friend. I know what it's like to be censored, I know what it's like to be in disregard because of my sexuality, or even the other things that I do in my life. She and everyone else can judge me and censor me as much as they want. In the end stroke though, ..it will be me that is on the higher ground with my own power and strength.
I will share that power and strength in the world, as I always have. I have always sought to help and not hinder those around me. I have made poor judgements just as much as any other human. I accept those mistakes, attempt to forgive on as many levels as I can, and move onto something that has more of a higher vibration. I am, even in my downward spiral, thankful for all that has been attracted to my life. I know that not everything is forever, ...certainly not any job, or love, or friendship. And though that can be hard to swallow some days, I would rather be swallowing someones rejection, than their poisonous words/actions.
As for that feeling of appreciation? I get it from time to time, and it feels good when it happens. I will however not look for it from my friend anymore. She's made it quite clear that I am not what she said I was. If I was a brother like she said I was, she wouldn't have to hide who I am to the people in her life. I realize that, and I also accept that. I have no other choice when faced with my higher purpose. It's either realization and acceptance or shadow. The decision is not a hard one.
We make the decisions as hard or easy as we want to. I struggled with this for a couple days, ..but I know the answer is not anywhere but inside me, and I can hear it. It's telling me to move on and not let other people ignorance askew my perceptions of myself. I hope my friend is happy with her other friend, I learned very young in my life that there is always someone better to take ones place in any relationship. It seems that lesson has become bright and shining again.
I may spend most of my time alone and sitting in front of this computer, questing for the next event of interest. I know that I am alone though, only because I search for relationships with meaning and depth. And that those types of relationships are not easy to find or maintain. I challenge myself to find depth, and also value, in the world around me. I have found so much wealth in my heart from my own experiences in life. It makes me sad when people cannot accept people as who they are.
I accept everyone first as they are, ....but I can also make my choice to be around that energy or without it.
Now just because there is a puzzle doesn't mean there is a challenge, or rather sometimes the challenges we set up for ourselves are not the most difficult. People set themselves against solutions that are not worthy of their higher self, and we find the masses grouped in this area. Instead of choosing a puzzle that will change their view of the world and the people in it. They choose a puzzle that is a reflection of themselves, and choose to fashion their work around naivety and denial, avarice and ignorance. Rather around honesty and open mindedness, liberty and truth, where the truth source of love can be found.
Recently, I won't lie, I have not been challenging myself much. I have been in a terrible downward spiral emotionally. I wonder constantly: "How do I solve this...?"... and I have yet to find a clear answer that is going to fit into a greater purpose for my evolution. I am meeting new people, and that is going okay, it seems that I actually can get along with people if they are respectful ones.
My Gran, the other day, said something quite profound to me the other day about me. I was complaining about my situation a bit, just casually as usual, and this is what it is.
She said, " Stewart everyone that meets you adores and loves you. They know that they don't have to doubt you. You are a genuine and unique person."
I was totally surprised at this comment, my Gran does not usually hand out compliments like this. And if she does, she certainly has not given any to me like that since before I can remember. It was great to feel appreciated in that moment. If only we all could feel that emotion constantly and unwaveringly without any interruptions.
I guess on some level that is what I feel I have been missing...the feeling of being "appreciated". I am surrounded by so much abundance and love. I am in contact with dozens of people everyday on so many different levels. Im an interesting person and if you haven't realized it yet, you truly don't belong in my field of existence. I acknowledge peoples individuality constantly, ..I try to raise them up in there quest to be themselves, and would not ever want to silence someone who is expressing their true nature.
Unfortunately, there are many others that do not feel the same way. Governments and Corporations, media and peers, even some friends and family are content to sit back and let the censorship happen without any resistance. Well, ...to that? ...I'll say "fuck you". You will not achieve the goal of silencing the peoples truth of the world; ...not on my watch, buddy.
Another thing happened to me the other day, and it was not as pleasant as my Grans affectionate compliments. I was walking, looking for breakfast, and bumped into a girl I know, and this girl is like a sister to me in this moment. We don't hang out "a lot" but there is definite a greater connection with something when we are laughing and getting along with one another. She was with another close friend of hers and they were also thinking about food. We decided to get some eggs and sausage to feed the three of us and some spinach to go in the eggs.
Everything seemed to be going just fine, ...we walked slowly across the East Side from where we were, taking the alley straight to my friends place. We sat down did the usual settle in after being out, and my friends, friend is the cook so he went into the kitchen and started cooking while my friend and I talked in the living room. Now usually when I am with this friend I don't not have to hold myself back in conversation. And I was talking about a date that I had had with a old buddy of mine.
I commented, "Him and I spent eight hours naked together in bed", and she piped up and loud clear, "...READING THE PAPER?!" I kind of looked at her funny and said, "Huh?"...and she repeated herself loud and clear, and quite confident in her words.
I was kind of confused for a split moment as I weighed up the reasons why she would say something like this. And it hit me like a brick truck on a highway....she had just attempted to censor me. Probably in the face of her other friend, which I suspect is a raging homophobic. (happily cooking in the next room). I had helped pay for breakfast already so I didn't take off like I probably should have. I let her silence me in that moment, and I didn't talk any "gay" talk any further.
As breakfast finished though, a lovely lovely meal that was pleasant and with smiles and happy belly's, I decided that I was going to leave and not keep them from each other. And in the following days I tried to call my friend to get some sort of clarification as to what had exactly happened, with no return call or message. I don't know what to do now. More cleaning of the shelves to make room for better things, I suppose.
It's horrible when we as individuals have to hide there true natures expression in the face of those that want to silence communication. It's horrible that my friend feels that this expression of mine is worth silencing in the face of her other friend. I know what it's like to be censored, I know what it's like to be in disregard because of my sexuality, or even the other things that I do in my life. She and everyone else can judge me and censor me as much as they want. In the end stroke though, ..it will be me that is on the higher ground with my own power and strength.
I will share that power and strength in the world, as I always have. I have always sought to help and not hinder those around me. I have made poor judgements just as much as any other human. I accept those mistakes, attempt to forgive on as many levels as I can, and move onto something that has more of a higher vibration. I am, even in my downward spiral, thankful for all that has been attracted to my life. I know that not everything is forever, ...certainly not any job, or love, or friendship. And though that can be hard to swallow some days, I would rather be swallowing someones rejection, than their poisonous words/actions.
As for that feeling of appreciation? I get it from time to time, and it feels good when it happens. I will however not look for it from my friend anymore. She's made it quite clear that I am not what she said I was. If I was a brother like she said I was, she wouldn't have to hide who I am to the people in her life. I realize that, and I also accept that. I have no other choice when faced with my higher purpose. It's either realization and acceptance or shadow. The decision is not a hard one.
We make the decisions as hard or easy as we want to. I struggled with this for a couple days, ..but I know the answer is not anywhere but inside me, and I can hear it. It's telling me to move on and not let other people ignorance askew my perceptions of myself. I hope my friend is happy with her other friend, I learned very young in my life that there is always someone better to take ones place in any relationship. It seems that lesson has become bright and shining again.
I may spend most of my time alone and sitting in front of this computer, questing for the next event of interest. I know that I am alone though, only because I search for relationships with meaning and depth. And that those types of relationships are not easy to find or maintain. I challenge myself to find depth, and also value, in the world around me. I have found so much wealth in my heart from my own experiences in life. It makes me sad when people cannot accept people as who they are.
I accept everyone first as they are, ....but I can also make my choice to be around that energy or without it.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Upon waking up..
When I woke up this morning it was earlier than usual; I had decided to start getting ready for bed last night a couple hours earlier than late; it would prove to get me up earlier than usual as well. I had just finished an epic night of dreamcasting, and the sleep wasn't even out of my body entirely. I did something in my first moments of awake consciousness, and it really made me think. I made a wish, a horrible selfish wish. A dark wish that most would call foolishness.
Now we all wish for pieces of this world to improve or be more appealing, and when I made this wish this morning I took a good look at myself, with reflection. Why had in my first moments of intention for a Saturday turn to the dark and the shadow to shelter me. In my selfish, loathing moment I have set up the entire weekend to be one long dragged out event that will prove nothing, and serve as only a reminder of what I have lost. Which really isn't what anyone can describe as appealing.
Maybe it's the two friends that died a month ago one after another on two separate days. Maybe it was getting fired on the 3rd day of that 7 day stretch of horrible. It could have been the nearly 200$ I was over due with Telus on the first day that needed to get paid or they were going to cut me off. And one can be certain breaking up with my Lo'bo on the 6th day did nothing more than add rain to the bucket.
So I had this week, and sometimes I guess those weeks happen, and I accept that. I am willing to go the distance to get through that week and find another week to find more gifts in. And still I am drifting off this week further and further from the future I so want for myself. I am still recovering from all this uncertainty. Where once I felt surrounded, there is now an open expanse of water, and I am in the middle of it, ...underwater, alone, but still breathing. I want to speak but the water rushes in when I open my lips, the increasing weight of the water looming over my body. It's heavy, but clear and free of shadow. I look around in the water and there is nothing ...just water, and lots of it.
In my dreams there is much going on. Busy times, and people all on their way to something very important. New roads, new horizons and parks to explore, new people and new ways of getting around, new power and new light. I feel like there is still something to be found, and am searching always inside those dreams for places to learn, or disappear into the aether to have a moment of silence as I look for new places to fall my steps. The Sun shines in my dreams, and the people are not as mean as they are here in Vancouver. It's good to have a place to escape.
I know I am surrounded by Love, and that there is Light in that love as well. I know that my enemies are few, and that I could forgive myself and any of them in an instant for any disrespect/err on either parts. I know that I can imagine the world that I want. I can taste it, feel it, see it in my mind like it was reality, ..the World of Love, the World of Light. I am free enough to know that this fantasy is within my mind mostly. The real world, the material world, is not as close to these as I am to my image of the perfect world. And when I wake up wishing for those worlds to become one, I wonder if I am spending my waking hours dreaming as well.
Dreaming that my future has warmth and security, and dreaming that I will be taken care of by the Universe until the end of my days. I have to dream these things, without the dream of these simple things I cannot survive. And that is why I wake up in the morning and make selfish, horrible wishes...so that I can create something out of nothing, so that I can look and find some sort of thing that has come from me. My contribution perhaps, or maybe something simple like a smile when another leasts expects it. Deep down I am in full conversation with the "score". I know what I have done on both sides of the coin, I know that right now I am in limbo, standing on the edge of that coin, poised to fall on one side or the other.
Until that fall though, and the side has be revealed. I will continue making selfish, horrible wishes...because if I can't wish for what I really want in my own private world. What's the use of wishing at all?
Now we all wish for pieces of this world to improve or be more appealing, and when I made this wish this morning I took a good look at myself, with reflection. Why had in my first moments of intention for a Saturday turn to the dark and the shadow to shelter me. In my selfish, loathing moment I have set up the entire weekend to be one long dragged out event that will prove nothing, and serve as only a reminder of what I have lost. Which really isn't what anyone can describe as appealing.
Maybe it's the two friends that died a month ago one after another on two separate days. Maybe it was getting fired on the 3rd day of that 7 day stretch of horrible. It could have been the nearly 200$ I was over due with Telus on the first day that needed to get paid or they were going to cut me off. And one can be certain breaking up with my Lo'bo on the 6th day did nothing more than add rain to the bucket.
So I had this week, and sometimes I guess those weeks happen, and I accept that. I am willing to go the distance to get through that week and find another week to find more gifts in. And still I am drifting off this week further and further from the future I so want for myself. I am still recovering from all this uncertainty. Where once I felt surrounded, there is now an open expanse of water, and I am in the middle of it, ...underwater, alone, but still breathing. I want to speak but the water rushes in when I open my lips, the increasing weight of the water looming over my body. It's heavy, but clear and free of shadow. I look around in the water and there is nothing ...just water, and lots of it.
In my dreams there is much going on. Busy times, and people all on their way to something very important. New roads, new horizons and parks to explore, new people and new ways of getting around, new power and new light. I feel like there is still something to be found, and am searching always inside those dreams for places to learn, or disappear into the aether to have a moment of silence as I look for new places to fall my steps. The Sun shines in my dreams, and the people are not as mean as they are here in Vancouver. It's good to have a place to escape.
I know I am surrounded by Love, and that there is Light in that love as well. I know that my enemies are few, and that I could forgive myself and any of them in an instant for any disrespect/err on either parts. I know that I can imagine the world that I want. I can taste it, feel it, see it in my mind like it was reality, ..the World of Love, the World of Light. I am free enough to know that this fantasy is within my mind mostly. The real world, the material world, is not as close to these as I am to my image of the perfect world. And when I wake up wishing for those worlds to become one, I wonder if I am spending my waking hours dreaming as well.
Dreaming that my future has warmth and security, and dreaming that I will be taken care of by the Universe until the end of my days. I have to dream these things, without the dream of these simple things I cannot survive. And that is why I wake up in the morning and make selfish, horrible wishes...so that I can create something out of nothing, so that I can look and find some sort of thing that has come from me. My contribution perhaps, or maybe something simple like a smile when another leasts expects it. Deep down I am in full conversation with the "score". I know what I have done on both sides of the coin, I know that right now I am in limbo, standing on the edge of that coin, poised to fall on one side or the other.
Until that fall though, and the side has be revealed. I will continue making selfish, horrible wishes...because if I can't wish for what I really want in my own private world. What's the use of wishing at all?
Saturday, March 19, 2011
What we learn from new beginings..
When I started this blog, I had a number of ideas of what it would be like. Expectations one might call them if you are so inclined. I had an expectation that I would be able to "share" the experience, and maybe someone who needed the same lesson could, put my words into some action against their own situation. How ego driven that must sound, for we truly know in the months after the purge, it was the ego which started the path of addiction in the first place.
Coming to the realization that it is myself that is responsible was easy enough. Making the change to NOT do the things I was addicted to was more harder, not harder than expected, but more harder. The point I find myself at now is this: What is the lesson? (it's not a short answer, you ll find the message in the details)
The lesson is that Ego drives all of us, it drives your thoughts, your ability to love and receive love. The ego is every emotion you have ever felt, and every fire that burns in your hear with passion, or in your eyes with lust. For every time you made a decision in life your ego was there, pulling the proverbial strings and you along with it. I found that in the months after quitting smoking, and the years after quitting hard drugs, that time, or my life in time, seemed to be somewhat "lifted". I began to not be doing the things that I was associating with negativity. Even the relationships I had that were not working, ..they just with some magick, began falling away.
Now listen, there are still many points to improve on, at this time though, let's just say the ground to deciding what the lesson is has come under my feet. Many lessons come after this writing if not as many that have come before.
The Ego, ..my ego that had brought me to my ends. I did not necessarily have much to do with it's formation. They say the lessons our characters learn as coping mechanisms are taught to us before we are 7 years of age. All that we learn before 7years old is the baseline for our self education, or rather what we "choose" to let educate us. Im not going to get into everything that happened to me before I was 7. What I will tell you is, I almost died getting through those seven years. And I don't mean this at all figuratively, or with a metaphor in mind. I literally fought for my very life at several point events. One of which I was in a coma for almost over 3 weeks..
The pattern I learned was that live was about survival, and that to survive was "important". On into my teen years that survival instinct,the one that had me hyper sensitive to almost everything that moved, it changed into a sort of "hunger". ( I remember my mom commenting that her children were too thin and started buying case lots of Ichiban Noodles in hopes of helping us gain weight). Survival turned into this hunger, and that hunger was my introduction to addiction...at first is was attention I needed, and when I had my fill of that it then turned towards substances (alcohol, lsd, pot during those years). In my case alcohol and pot got me closer to the harder stuff, and yeah, there was peer pressure from friends that now have nothing to do/say to me. Pretty shitty trade off to tell you honestly, not impressed with them.
If you ever have children, please promise yourself to provide for that child not only it's needs as a human being, but as a member of society. When raising children I believe it's most certain that a ounce of prevention is worth a pound discontent. Give them a life you can be grateful for, not one you have to ignore and lie about to get past the mirror every day. Don't give your children your bad karma and let them stand trial for you mistakes. Give them the very best of everything (and I mean the things from the heart). Without it, well guarantees on success get slimmer and increasingly few. Teach your children about the world as you want to create it. Not out of fear, but out of love, create a family, not a postcard photo. Read to your children, you have no clue how much this important, be there for your children and share your life with them; right from the beginning let them know that there is more than beats the eyes. And that blood runs thicker than water, there is none that are left behind.
I've tried many ways to get over the negative patterns in my life, ...and someday I hope there will be an end to more of them, paralleling now(s) moment. These patterns are there by you, and for you. They are there to test your endurance, they are there as teachers, and patterns are students as well. Patterns learn how to get under your skin, when you least expect it. Patterns tell you what you want/don't want, when you can have them in the foreground of thought. Patterns will attempt to control you, but you must be strong to not let negative ones find a foundation; with a foundation there comes a home for the tragedy.
Negative patterns for the most part can be the most powerful enemy we all have. Sometime it's true that it's not about oneself and that it's about others. There are other times though, that our "patterns", they control us...and therein is the birth of the real problem.
The problem is not the alcohol in the world, or drugs, or addiction. The problem is that we are all stuck in our respective patterns, bouncing off of one another in out daily events, sometimes like explosions and sometimes like the soft "bup" of a balloon on a finger tip. We find that without an answer to these patterns, we become attracted to fear, and that it is a possibility that we may never be "free" of them. This of course is the lie, for we are all soul providers for our respective reality, and we can infinitely change all things within it.
Some of us are born into a world where there are healthy patterns bred early in life by parents to their children. Others, of course, don't. Neither of them being in anyway a guarantee of success, exept all possibilities being at the whim of "lessons": learned/forgotten/destroyed.
What am I going to do now with all these new lessons? With many more to become reality rather than fiction, Im going to try and just keep positive and try not to fall apart. I am beginning to understand/control the ego for the most part (I still have bad days too). I rein it in some days, ..others not. ..it's a process.
I spend much time on my own these days/weeks/months after the big purge, ...and I enjoy that for the most part. The people I see regularily are not within a total deluge of drama, so I can be grateful for that. Drama happens, ...that's life, but letting it control a situation? ...well, that's easy enough to deal with (*steps aside*).
Nobody is so great that they are perfect, if they were they wouldn't be here. Perfection happens in a place where there is no matter, just light/love/grace. Perfection can, if you let it, be the crown of silence.
Coming to the realization that it is myself that is responsible was easy enough. Making the change to NOT do the things I was addicted to was more harder, not harder than expected, but more harder. The point I find myself at now is this: What is the lesson? (it's not a short answer, you ll find the message in the details)
The lesson is that Ego drives all of us, it drives your thoughts, your ability to love and receive love. The ego is every emotion you have ever felt, and every fire that burns in your hear with passion, or in your eyes with lust. For every time you made a decision in life your ego was there, pulling the proverbial strings and you along with it. I found that in the months after quitting smoking, and the years after quitting hard drugs, that time, or my life in time, seemed to be somewhat "lifted". I began to not be doing the things that I was associating with negativity. Even the relationships I had that were not working, ..they just with some magick, began falling away.
Now listen, there are still many points to improve on, at this time though, let's just say the ground to deciding what the lesson is has come under my feet. Many lessons come after this writing if not as many that have come before.
The Ego, ..my ego that had brought me to my ends. I did not necessarily have much to do with it's formation. They say the lessons our characters learn as coping mechanisms are taught to us before we are 7 years of age. All that we learn before 7years old is the baseline for our self education, or rather what we "choose" to let educate us. Im not going to get into everything that happened to me before I was 7. What I will tell you is, I almost died getting through those seven years. And I don't mean this at all figuratively, or with a metaphor in mind. I literally fought for my very life at several point events. One of which I was in a coma for almost over 3 weeks..
The pattern I learned was that live was about survival, and that to survive was "important". On into my teen years that survival instinct,the one that had me hyper sensitive to almost everything that moved, it changed into a sort of "hunger". ( I remember my mom commenting that her children were too thin and started buying case lots of Ichiban Noodles in hopes of helping us gain weight). Survival turned into this hunger, and that hunger was my introduction to addiction...at first is was attention I needed, and when I had my fill of that it then turned towards substances (alcohol, lsd, pot during those years). In my case alcohol and pot got me closer to the harder stuff, and yeah, there was peer pressure from friends that now have nothing to do/say to me. Pretty shitty trade off to tell you honestly, not impressed with them.
If you ever have children, please promise yourself to provide for that child not only it's needs as a human being, but as a member of society. When raising children I believe it's most certain that a ounce of prevention is worth a pound discontent. Give them a life you can be grateful for, not one you have to ignore and lie about to get past the mirror every day. Don't give your children your bad karma and let them stand trial for you mistakes. Give them the very best of everything (and I mean the things from the heart). Without it, well guarantees on success get slimmer and increasingly few. Teach your children about the world as you want to create it. Not out of fear, but out of love, create a family, not a postcard photo. Read to your children, you have no clue how much this important, be there for your children and share your life with them; right from the beginning let them know that there is more than beats the eyes. And that blood runs thicker than water, there is none that are left behind.
I've tried many ways to get over the negative patterns in my life, ...and someday I hope there will be an end to more of them, paralleling now(s) moment. These patterns are there by you, and for you. They are there to test your endurance, they are there as teachers, and patterns are students as well. Patterns learn how to get under your skin, when you least expect it. Patterns tell you what you want/don't want, when you can have them in the foreground of thought. Patterns will attempt to control you, but you must be strong to not let negative ones find a foundation; with a foundation there comes a home for the tragedy.
Negative patterns for the most part can be the most powerful enemy we all have. Sometime it's true that it's not about oneself and that it's about others. There are other times though, that our "patterns", they control us...and therein is the birth of the real problem.
The problem is not the alcohol in the world, or drugs, or addiction. The problem is that we are all stuck in our respective patterns, bouncing off of one another in out daily events, sometimes like explosions and sometimes like the soft "bup" of a balloon on a finger tip. We find that without an answer to these patterns, we become attracted to fear, and that it is a possibility that we may never be "free" of them. This of course is the lie, for we are all soul providers for our respective reality, and we can infinitely change all things within it.
Some of us are born into a world where there are healthy patterns bred early in life by parents to their children. Others, of course, don't. Neither of them being in anyway a guarantee of success, exept all possibilities being at the whim of "lessons": learned/forgotten/destroyed.
What am I going to do now with all these new lessons? With many more to become reality rather than fiction, Im going to try and just keep positive and try not to fall apart. I am beginning to understand/control the ego for the most part (I still have bad days too). I rein it in some days, ..others not. ..it's a process.
I spend much time on my own these days/weeks/months after the big purge, ...and I enjoy that for the most part. The people I see regularily are not within a total deluge of drama, so I can be grateful for that. Drama happens, ...that's life, but letting it control a situation? ...well, that's easy enough to deal with (*steps aside*).
Nobody is so great that they are perfect, if they were they wouldn't be here. Perfection happens in a place where there is no matter, just light/love/grace. Perfection can, if you let it, be the crown of silence.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Getting what one wishes for ...what happens then??
Well, ..it's been a while. The last post was a little scattered I don't know if I even posted it, ...I will have to look. I have regrouped though and found some new insights into possibility. And when I say possibility, I am talking about the choices we make. Choices are like a wish in a sense, when we make them, we set in motion the things that will come to be. Certainly all that comes our way can be looked at as learning experience, but often dealing more than being dealt life has it's way of showing us we are on the right track with out choices.
Intentions are best when they are clear, and on the concise side. Too much in the mix of intentions, ..well, it can become complicated and dysphoric. With too much going on, we are not able to focus on what our "duty" may be. When we can find out our duties inside our own intentions, we make our choice in life. The trick is, of course, that we can always change our choice on a dime, and not just one dime ...but many dimes. It's foolish to believe that for every answer there is only one choice to be the winner, as an option there's always the most appealing and the worst ends. Leading of course to the twist of fate that options, like intentions, are the driving force behind change.
All of us have an innate fate that we will succeed at or not, when we make the proper choice for our individual growth and evolution, we cause change in and towards our fate, even change our fate completely. Why cannot we weave our own lives? The fact is "we can" and "we do" ..all the time.
Some of the unfortunate, and mundane, they are bothered not by any of these ideas. And that is one path one can take, to look forward with tunnel vision and only see the cold matter of the Earth, to feed endlessly into self preservation and in some desperate attempt to have control over people or the ego. I have met and left many people like this, and will again without any doubt.
Im not here to lay judgment, or land accusations of dis-honor. Nor am I charged with any notion of what other people "think" they are doing when they promise friendship, in action or word, and deliver nothing but prejudice and avarice. Those people are happy fools and they will not find there feet in the inner circle of my heart and soul. And when I walk away, I don't look back, there are certain things that are unforgivable in my world of existence. Sometimes I don't know what they are until they happen to me...
Lately, I must admit, there has been considerable less drama. Some by design... it can be so apparent when a cycle ends and a new one begins. One looks around, and they notice the fact/truth of their choices, and there is a knowing/acceptance that sparks ...eventually. And other times ...thing can be so subtle and behind the eyes that one doesn't notice what they don't have anymore, and suddenly "gratitude" is in the place of "wanting" and "despair".
And people say thank you all the time, ...but how many actually feel the gratefulness inside their words. Or realize the power of their own words/actions. Instead of flopping their useless ideas of love on the floor. Who actually stands with their passion? Nobody is perfect, but it's way easier to get into a social engagement when one is operating inside gratitude. People will make you a burden if they aren't inside gratitude/respect. Nobody is going to tell you that but me.
Im not a burden on those that truly love me. It's not a chore to be with me, or around me. It's not a lacking or a missed connection. And Im really okay with that, Im learning more and more as I grow up, that I have been vulnerable for a long time. And also, I have learned, that most will expedite and capitalize on someones vulnerability. Thank you Mom, for raising me not to believe I can live life by this ends.
I may have made mistakes, and I admit to them. These days my burdens, though present, do not hold me to the ground, they enlighten me, and I see things as they always were, but with new perspectives.
I choose the Future. Not the one given to me, but the one I made, the one I wished for. Without any of the strings that the massed and ignorant would snip in a second, and only because they can. I know what counts on the scroll of my life, and I know who matters as well.
If you're reading this and your mind is full of question, then my job is just begun. What will you choose tomorrow for the benefit of the many? What will you do that counts to someone that thinks they are nothing? Maybe that person is you.. if it is, trust me when I say. We must all complete our Great Work eventually, without it we have nothing but death to look forward to. Without the Great Work of our own there is only failure and darkness without life. Good luck. (you'll most certainly need it.)
Intentions are best when they are clear, and on the concise side. Too much in the mix of intentions, ..well, it can become complicated and dysphoric. With too much going on, we are not able to focus on what our "duty" may be. When we can find out our duties inside our own intentions, we make our choice in life. The trick is, of course, that we can always change our choice on a dime, and not just one dime ...but many dimes. It's foolish to believe that for every answer there is only one choice to be the winner, as an option there's always the most appealing and the worst ends. Leading of course to the twist of fate that options, like intentions, are the driving force behind change.
All of us have an innate fate that we will succeed at or not, when we make the proper choice for our individual growth and evolution, we cause change in and towards our fate, even change our fate completely. Why cannot we weave our own lives? The fact is "we can" and "we do" ..all the time.
Some of the unfortunate, and mundane, they are bothered not by any of these ideas. And that is one path one can take, to look forward with tunnel vision and only see the cold matter of the Earth, to feed endlessly into self preservation and in some desperate attempt to have control over people or the ego. I have met and left many people like this, and will again without any doubt.
Im not here to lay judgment, or land accusations of dis-honor. Nor am I charged with any notion of what other people "think" they are doing when they promise friendship, in action or word, and deliver nothing but prejudice and avarice. Those people are happy fools and they will not find there feet in the inner circle of my heart and soul. And when I walk away, I don't look back, there are certain things that are unforgivable in my world of existence. Sometimes I don't know what they are until they happen to me...
Lately, I must admit, there has been considerable less drama. Some by design... it can be so apparent when a cycle ends and a new one begins. One looks around, and they notice the fact/truth of their choices, and there is a knowing/acceptance that sparks ...eventually. And other times ...thing can be so subtle and behind the eyes that one doesn't notice what they don't have anymore, and suddenly "gratitude" is in the place of "wanting" and "despair".
And people say thank you all the time, ...but how many actually feel the gratefulness inside their words. Or realize the power of their own words/actions. Instead of flopping their useless ideas of love on the floor. Who actually stands with their passion? Nobody is perfect, but it's way easier to get into a social engagement when one is operating inside gratitude. People will make you a burden if they aren't inside gratitude/respect. Nobody is going to tell you that but me.
Im not a burden on those that truly love me. It's not a chore to be with me, or around me. It's not a lacking or a missed connection. And Im really okay with that, Im learning more and more as I grow up, that I have been vulnerable for a long time. And also, I have learned, that most will expedite and capitalize on someones vulnerability. Thank you Mom, for raising me not to believe I can live life by this ends.
I may have made mistakes, and I admit to them. These days my burdens, though present, do not hold me to the ground, they enlighten me, and I see things as they always were, but with new perspectives.
I choose the Future. Not the one given to me, but the one I made, the one I wished for. Without any of the strings that the massed and ignorant would snip in a second, and only because they can. I know what counts on the scroll of my life, and I know who matters as well.
If you're reading this and your mind is full of question, then my job is just begun. What will you choose tomorrow for the benefit of the many? What will you do that counts to someone that thinks they are nothing? Maybe that person is you.. if it is, trust me when I say. We must all complete our Great Work eventually, without it we have nothing but death to look forward to. Without the Great Work of our own there is only failure and darkness without life. Good luck. (you'll most certainly need it.)
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Peace finds a home when you give it one...
Lately, I have begun more and more to get drama out of my life. I have told myself, I will no longer invite drama into my home. At first there were some waves, but those waves are gone now, and in it's place is a quiet and comfortable "now". No more loudness and disturbance fills my days. I am even sleeping better.
It's nice to find the place, and time, to get into the moment. Not have to worry about having someone in your space, causing drama. No more is my house filled with drama, at least for a week now. And it's welcome..it's funny you really notice how much it is present, when you notice how much it's gone. The phrase: "you don't know what you got until it's gone.", could not be anymore poignant. Though, some of the time we work at doing just that, getting the overdone, gone and gone for good.
I know that the important parts of my life are not without their value. Regardless of meaning, if it even exists, those moments are the story, and chapters of my now told tale of life. There's another phrase: "NAM MYOHO RENGE KYO". There are several Buddhist philosophies that exist in terms to this phrase. One of them being the potential of the lotus seed, being derived from the depth in the mud. The deeper the seed of the lotus, the many more petals the flower will have. It is a metaphor for the transmutation of the mundane to the divine, through the material world.
I often use this mantra when Im doing my training in the gym, it always brings such fire with it for movement. Which is another mode I have been exploring, movement and motion itself. There's a certain ecstatic nature to moving when one wants to move. (spent many days under the covers hiding from movement) For now though there is movement, and it seems the pace is picking up as well. Which is welcome, ..the days are getting longer now after all.
This Spring is going to be quite the trip to the Okanagan, .and the spaces beyond...big plans to make a difference in my life, and maybe some of the ones close to me. It's good to have the support of those who are close and intimate. Not sexually, but emotionally, for health of all the bodies..intimacy can happen when we share out secrets, our inner dreams, our hopes, ever how we express faith, or belief.
The new job is treating me like a charm, ..seem to have a firm grasp on things I need to know so far. Like any new position in a new industry, ..you learn the rules first so you can learn to break them later, if/only if need be. The owners, and stylist, and my reception trainer(s), they have been so great to me. I haven't made too many mistakes yet, and don't anticipate it either. I assure myself several times a day, that this is where I want to be, where I belong in this now, ..I fought very hard for a position at this salon, and manifested it, ...so far, ..I have learning by leaps and bounds. I am being challenged to think out of my normal box of intention/projection, and that is always welcome. Im a smart kid, ..I sure whatever happens the world is not going to blow up on me.
Three months of probation, and I should be well on my way into the Hair Salon Industry. Searching options is always a good idea, especially when ones like myself tend to operate with some boundary on option. There are things that I will just not do anymore. I have made some strong choices over the past year and six months. Let us hope Ive made the right choice for me, the right choice for the "future" which I so honestly want to find.
Whatever happens, I have a new learning mode, and the blood is rushing through the veins quite full on now. I ran nearly a 3.5m stretch in 30mins. on the elliptical trainer at the gym. And really seeing the difference in breath in long cardiovascular training sessions. Pretty eye opening, to say the least..over eight months of non-smoking of cigarettes, ...pretty awesome.
All in all ...there is a balance forming beneath the surface, ..one I haven't seen for a while. I am learning finally how to be less vulnerable in social situations, ...by a most obvious tactic. Simply let people think what they want to think, ..don't throw them off by opening your mouth too soon. One last phrase: ..."Silence is Golden" ...we all want to be part of the divine innate in ourselves. There is the mantra, and then there is silence.
It's nice to find the place, and time, to get into the moment. Not have to worry about having someone in your space, causing drama. No more is my house filled with drama, at least for a week now. And it's welcome..it's funny you really notice how much it is present, when you notice how much it's gone. The phrase: "you don't know what you got until it's gone.", could not be anymore poignant. Though, some of the time we work at doing just that, getting the overdone, gone and gone for good.
I know that the important parts of my life are not without their value. Regardless of meaning, if it even exists, those moments are the story, and chapters of my now told tale of life. There's another phrase: "NAM MYOHO RENGE KYO". There are several Buddhist philosophies that exist in terms to this phrase. One of them being the potential of the lotus seed, being derived from the depth in the mud. The deeper the seed of the lotus, the many more petals the flower will have. It is a metaphor for the transmutation of the mundane to the divine, through the material world.
I often use this mantra when Im doing my training in the gym, it always brings such fire with it for movement. Which is another mode I have been exploring, movement and motion itself. There's a certain ecstatic nature to moving when one wants to move. (spent many days under the covers hiding from movement) For now though there is movement, and it seems the pace is picking up as well. Which is welcome, ..the days are getting longer now after all.
This Spring is going to be quite the trip to the Okanagan, .and the spaces beyond...big plans to make a difference in my life, and maybe some of the ones close to me. It's good to have the support of those who are close and intimate. Not sexually, but emotionally, for health of all the bodies..intimacy can happen when we share out secrets, our inner dreams, our hopes, ever how we express faith, or belief.
The new job is treating me like a charm, ..seem to have a firm grasp on things I need to know so far. Like any new position in a new industry, ..you learn the rules first so you can learn to break them later, if/only if need be. The owners, and stylist, and my reception trainer(s), they have been so great to me. I haven't made too many mistakes yet, and don't anticipate it either. I assure myself several times a day, that this is where I want to be, where I belong in this now, ..I fought very hard for a position at this salon, and manifested it, ...so far, ..I have learning by leaps and bounds. I am being challenged to think out of my normal box of intention/projection, and that is always welcome. Im a smart kid, ..I sure whatever happens the world is not going to blow up on me.
Three months of probation, and I should be well on my way into the Hair Salon Industry. Searching options is always a good idea, especially when ones like myself tend to operate with some boundary on option. There are things that I will just not do anymore. I have made some strong choices over the past year and six months. Let us hope Ive made the right choice for me, the right choice for the "future" which I so honestly want to find.
Whatever happens, I have a new learning mode, and the blood is rushing through the veins quite full on now. I ran nearly a 3.5m stretch in 30mins. on the elliptical trainer at the gym. And really seeing the difference in breath in long cardiovascular training sessions. Pretty eye opening, to say the least..over eight months of non-smoking of cigarettes, ...pretty awesome.
All in all ...there is a balance forming beneath the surface, ..one I haven't seen for a while. I am learning finally how to be less vulnerable in social situations, ...by a most obvious tactic. Simply let people think what they want to think, ..don't throw them off by opening your mouth too soon. One last phrase: ..."Silence is Golden" ...we all want to be part of the divine innate in ourselves. There is the mantra, and then there is silence.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Patterns in the Aethyr.....
There is one, I know it there, a pattern. Beneath all of the busyness and contradiction, between the spaces of our minds and streets of concrete, it's there like the yolk of a egg, protected and safe from harm. But the balance of it is always so fragile, just like the shell of the egg. With just the littlest of disrespects we can lose the perfection of the egg, and have to find other uses for it contents.
Some people say you have to break eggs to make an omelet, and I have no argument with that. I do though have a nagging suspicion, that people tend to break more eggs than they have to. In their eternal quest for the perfect omelet, they end up not being able to eat what they cook, eventually leading to the wasted egg. I feel I have become that wasted egg in some respects. (probably of my own design)
A good friend told me recently that I was aware. I looked at the text on my computer screen, and for a moment stopped to consider her statement. I found, quite quickly actually, she was correct. Even with all that goes on behind the scenes, ..I am aware of more than I often give myself credit for. I didn't mention to my friend the point of clarity she had invoked in me, or the fact that I would be writing about it. Honestly though, I spend so much time in my Virgo body, analyzing, being a neat and tidy critic, classifying my life away into little folders or correspondence. I forget the "why?" behind the actions that I grasp so desperately for.
I have this awareness, and still I often ignore my intuitions, leaving them in the folder of "not real". Meanwhile damning myself to follow a path which is sometimes definitely not for me, ..and I force the issue anyway. I always said that I wasn't really the type of guy that would "push" a situation. But really..? that's a total lie. I push the boundaries of people all the time. I look for buttons to push, whether they are for jest or enlightenment, ...yes. I do that. Most people with any brain are able to discern some social cues in any conversation. Trust me though, ...some don't, and it can be painfully obvious at social gatherings and meetings.
So as this wave of clarity is washing over me, ..Im having all these different situations/pictures flashing through my eyes, and I stop for a second on how I react when something triggers me into a loop. And I think, ...wow, painfully obvious: drink and party down in Chinatown. I chuckled as I could see the pattern, but not totally rejecting it ......yet. I was just going to follow the regular pattern of reaction, and then simply didn't. So along the way with thoughts flying through my head, I decide to do "nothing". I decide to stay exactly where I am ....and write this passage.
There is so much more that we can do each day to face the inner parts of ourselves. Whether we view them as problems/gifts, demons/angels, light/dark, positive/negative, there is one thing that we have to remember when facing these things. The work we are doing is toward Balance, for balance to happen there must be two equal opposites. Once we are able to see those opposites, once we are able to accept them as well, that is when we mature, ..that is when we find the "knowing of thyself". Not until we are able to look at things and accept them beyond our prejudice. Once we can see everything outside of the realm of attachment, and personal needs, ..we can move to higher ground.
So break eggs, make your omelet with as many eggs as you wish, and with as many dressings as you wish. Just make sure that you are saving the best for last, because when the egg carton is empty, there's gonna be no more omelet. Don't waste your time making omelets that your not going to eat, regardless of how fun** it could be to make an omelet, the eggs will keep for a while.
I though, won't be making omelets, I prefer scrambled w/cheese, go figure...
Good luck.
Some people say you have to break eggs to make an omelet, and I have no argument with that. I do though have a nagging suspicion, that people tend to break more eggs than they have to. In their eternal quest for the perfect omelet, they end up not being able to eat what they cook, eventually leading to the wasted egg. I feel I have become that wasted egg in some respects. (probably of my own design)
A good friend told me recently that I was aware. I looked at the text on my computer screen, and for a moment stopped to consider her statement. I found, quite quickly actually, she was correct. Even with all that goes on behind the scenes, ..I am aware of more than I often give myself credit for. I didn't mention to my friend the point of clarity she had invoked in me, or the fact that I would be writing about it. Honestly though, I spend so much time in my Virgo body, analyzing, being a neat and tidy critic, classifying my life away into little folders or correspondence. I forget the "why?" behind the actions that I grasp so desperately for.
I have this awareness, and still I often ignore my intuitions, leaving them in the folder of "not real". Meanwhile damning myself to follow a path which is sometimes definitely not for me, ..and I force the issue anyway. I always said that I wasn't really the type of guy that would "push" a situation. But really..? that's a total lie. I push the boundaries of people all the time. I look for buttons to push, whether they are for jest or enlightenment, ...yes. I do that. Most people with any brain are able to discern some social cues in any conversation. Trust me though, ...some don't, and it can be painfully obvious at social gatherings and meetings.
So as this wave of clarity is washing over me, ..Im having all these different situations/pictures flashing through my eyes, and I stop for a second on how I react when something triggers me into a loop. And I think, ...wow, painfully obvious: drink and party down in Chinatown. I chuckled as I could see the pattern, but not totally rejecting it ......yet. I was just going to follow the regular pattern of reaction, and then simply didn't. So along the way with thoughts flying through my head, I decide to do "nothing". I decide to stay exactly where I am ....and write this passage.
There is so much more that we can do each day to face the inner parts of ourselves. Whether we view them as problems/gifts, demons/angels, light/dark, positive/negative, there is one thing that we have to remember when facing these things. The work we are doing is toward Balance, for balance to happen there must be two equal opposites. Once we are able to see those opposites, once we are able to accept them as well, that is when we mature, ..that is when we find the "knowing of thyself". Not until we are able to look at things and accept them beyond our prejudice. Once we can see everything outside of the realm of attachment, and personal needs, ..we can move to higher ground.
So break eggs, make your omelet with as many eggs as you wish, and with as many dressings as you wish. Just make sure that you are saving the best for last, because when the egg carton is empty, there's gonna be no more omelet. Don't waste your time making omelets that your not going to eat, regardless of how fun** it could be to make an omelet, the eggs will keep for a while.
I though, won't be making omelets, I prefer scrambled w/cheese, go figure...
Good luck.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)