Life is transformation..there is only cyclic natures

Since my last entry, ..which was only "drafted" and released today was from June's End.  I also read a couple of blogs back ...and found some interesting developments.

Namely the sick boy with the rare type of cancer.  Seems after some serious surgery, travel and more he's doing better, and has his hair back.  The father of this child, my former bully..he sent me a request via social media, and asked that we find some common ground.  I had aggressively and in a drunk I believe sent him a very poisonous letter.  I didn't even really remember the letter to be honest, ...I looked 2011 was when I sent the letter, ...far before his child was ever sick.  Really struck that he had atoned for  his trespasses against me. 

We didn't go through the paces of picking things apart, and he assured me that he is a much different person these days compared to his youth.  He said also that we had worked together and thought that it would have been a great time to do it then.  20 years ago.  I was not even able to relate at the time with him.  Youth...

I was though in this converse able to let go of that part of the puzzle...and knowing that his son is safer now from disease, does give me some joy.  And not anymore just for the boy or his mother, ...for my former bully.  Operative word "former".  I need to drop all the baggage I can right now.

Also since my last entry ...the ex, come working on it, has turned into oblivion.  (pretty much).  It's hard for us to be even around each other any longer, ..so much loss we are both dealing with.  He's protected though, and so I am in some respects in not on different levels.  My soul is intact, ...my mind is stronger, my heart is ...in pain, my spirit discouraged (as my counselor describes me) and still I have the gratitude that I did do my very best with the shit show I was given.

I actually don't know what is next for me.  I have, as so many have before me, sacrificed all in my pure lust of result.   Foolish to bring your all, some will say.  I don't though, ...I say bring your best and be disappointed at nothing in the end.  Maybe bringing ones best is not enough to win every battle.  But I know that I am a man of means after this year.  I certainly know how to survive when my everything has been cut loose.  There isn't a part of my life not affected this year.

Finances, ...Love, Family, Friends, Home, Personal Growth, Death, Rest, Play, Work. Magick. nothing was spared.

All of them falling away from me, ..slowly leaving me in a place of total solitude..and silence.  My birthday spent with two good friends, was mild and eventful only in the caliber that there were not a lot of people around to celebrate it with.  I was actually fine on my birthday, ...regardless of the cliche` want for attention.  It's what followed which burns.

My Father and I had a great fight where he termed me as a "bum fucking, cum drinking, cock breathed tubby that had accomplished nothing"  Needless to say I felt pretty justified in calling him a prick ...and he better hope he doesn't see me face to face before he's a corpse, There will be no nicety from me to him any longer.  I should have given up on him a long time ago.  Only I saw so much of him in me, and wanted to believe that he could be saved to.  But it's not like that , ..people have to make their own choice.  Something I have been learning over and over throughout the years as people choose their lives away from me.

He was the last drop really,...nothing really is in my inner circle other than me right now.   I'd like to say I have a partner in crime, or a hot tamale who has my interest.  I'd love to say that I am in a community that understands me and accepts me, respects me and supports me.  And someday's that gets me down.  I am grateful, regardless. .....funny really.

Yet, lately , ..I've been even letting go of the need for anything.  I don't feel hungry for food like I have in past recent years.  I can do the things that are important to me, and not have to have another with me to make it valuable.  My Hermit year is at an end, ..and in my quest to find meaning in the universe, I have found there is no meaning, ...the whole experience is abstract and chaotic, ..and even thought there is patterns ...there is always the cycle of death, ...it will claim all life on earth one day, ..and for that I am grateful as well

I really am, ..Im grateful I have come through the dark night and realized there's nothing but existence and nothing.  Love and Life may not be separate, yet they exist in different parts of our mind, ...love for me being a want or need to serve and find enjoyment, ..and life being the expression of that love. Any ways...the past is the past, ..and yes, ..we all make mistakes.  We trust when we shouldn't, we deny our instincts and chase that thing that is impossible, that's what really makes us human.  We can choose to follow our instincts or choose to ignore them.  What that really translates into I have no idea.

But around the corner there is a good space for us all to find celebration.  This year of Growth for me is about finding the opportunities and gifts that I have built in my past for this future,...because they are there, waiting to be revealed.  I have something up my sleeve, ..I just have to find out what it's going to be, and how it will correspond with my next steps.  

I have taken on some new friends and some new energy this year already in the cusp.  I know I can make some goals and stick to them ...so much more to write about really but ...honestly it will just have to wait....don't want to jinx the sphinx.

Love and Blessing of Great Abundant Creation.  May we all find wealth in Gratitude.

We have a chance to break the cycle and still keep our love.

2014 the year my life change reputedly in a vast number of ways.  Between the loss of close friends just after Winter Solstice in 2013, and then the separating of myself, and my beloved, live in, boyfriend of 2.5 years  on the 2nd day and 2hr of our new year 2014.  We were 800km from home, me in a slightly odd position socially, as a bit of an outsider, but always welcome by the hosts...my sense of humor is not always received as jovially as it is delivered....I cried like I have never done before with a couple on a plane home alone.

I forget their names Kate?...and fiance`.  She literally had her wedding dress in her hands as she shuffled in the seat next to me.  Lovely couple, cute and completely thrilled to be on their way back to Vancouver, and both self remarkably successful.  ...as soon as we reached the BC border in the air though...something hit very strong in my core as my headphones played a special song  "Watching the World Go By" by Sahran ...it was a particular mix, by a particular DJ whom I adore.

Tears filled my eyes as like a great block had been removed in my mind and emotional parts, i rushed with feelings that had been buried deep.  And I realized in a small way...it was over; finally after all that my lover and I had come through...Wow.

The following six months were a wash of anger, hurt, leavings, poison, ...my cat was deathly ill and almost died, I spent every favor I had in the world....and we saved him.  I cried for two weeks when Jules my not so little anymore, orange tabby, kitty cakes was sick.  The doctor and I talked in depth about what could have caused this, ...and after some meditation, the answers that came were the darkest things that I have ever experienced in my life.

I've seen some terrible and horrible things, ...maybe not war, maybe not famine, maybe not drought.  I have seen suffering, as so many have these days,  how we manage is completely beyond me, I may never know.  But when the Vet talked to me about Jules, I learned that there are really people in the world that want to harm.  It was a big wake up call to me...not everyone was like me in the sense of camaraderie, and universal brother/sister hood.  People have problems, ...issues, neurosis, things they don't want to face or challenge themselves to overcome.  I just didn't think I would meet with such horror in my life.  I thought I was on an upward swing.

Matt was moving out the same time that Jules was sick, ...so not only was my best furbaby in the world dying, ..my love, my heart and literally my souls journey, being altered immensely without me in any control.  I left another friend of mine behind during this period, her and I have come to ending of our lessons together as well.

Shortly after I had a couple breaks, ...work began to become an option again.  Not having a lover really does free up a lot of time.  I met a new friend that has been teaching me some good lessons in friendship and being true, and supportive.  I've began to explore different sides of myself that I was unable to before.  I didn't think that I was in a box, ...but ladies and gentleman.  I SO WAS.

I was letting go, ...letting go of people, and drama.  In an effort to find reason in the world, ..I had to bring the sum of my parts to zero.  Even my own twin brother and mother didn't really make the cut.  I don't talk to them right now much.

I often wonder why these things happen all at once.

A friend of mine described it to me.  He said on an emotional level some times people come into a presence of what is called "deep tide".  And how each of us has a pendulum in us, ...swinging between balance and moderation, and excess and imbalance.  He described it I believe as a drawing down of the emotions into the darker parts of the psyche.  I believe into the places that are undiscovered inside ones own inherent talents.  I never really looked it up or anything, ..but I have used it as bit of food for thought, ...which is usually quite satisfying.

I have been seeing a counsellor ...he's a good man, and understands the complex nature of some of my spiritual philosophies, and how all of us have a part that can be victorious.  He brings so much clarity, I don't know what I would do without him some times.  I tell him usually about all the drama in my life...drama he's is successfully helping me find boundaries against.  I have found that most people will fling shit if they get the chance...sounds pretty messy, as I was described by several I am certain.  but maybe not for the same reason.

My Grandmother died June17th, after a very short term with cancer.  One day she was the one saving me from certain disaster, and starvation.  The next week she was  battling with life itself, ...she was unable to even breath or talk in the final days.   All my aunts and uncles were able to say their good-byes.  I even was able to find a moment on the phone with Gran to tell her how much she had meant to me, and that it was okay to go.  She said she was going to wait for my Mom, who was arriving in the following week ...and she did...passing on the eve of the following day.

Not so secretly, I wished it had been me...She had so much to give the world, and she did in so many ways.  All through the service, the pastors (both women) spoke of all the food that she had shared, ...and even asked the congregation to all give a show of hands to the word that they had been fed sometime by my Grandmother.  So many hands in the air.  ...it was almost enough to make me cry.  I didn't though...I was surrounded by mourners, my family, all in the throws of sorrow.  And I didn't cry, ...I wanted to ...to release some of my feeling of loss.  There was something inside me that want to be silent thought.

And it was the fact that I was happy she was able to be with her God, and her Son in those moments as we watched.  She was in an a urn at the front of the church, ....long sheer swaths of cloths in fiery colors of the Sun drawing down from the window beyond the alter.  She was with the Light, she was free from the mortal coil of suffering,  and the rest of us here have to persevere through to our own eventual deaths.

I hope that I can be as loved as she was, and have all the support I need.  I don't think she lived her final days lonely.  She had her husband, my Grandfather by her side since they were teens.  A big family, two adorable great grand children all left behind ....she was the life in any room she entered.  And there were a lot of smiles together at the tea afterward.  People celebrated her life, and the times they were able to share with my Granny.

I'll love her in my own way, ...I have felt her with me since, ..I can feel her smile and her big arms around me some moments when I have the time to look.

And now....June's end.   Since Decembers end, ....I have seen some things.  Cried.  Wished.  Written into hopeless abandonment in my writings, ...trying to find an answer to all this "stuff".  It's not even drama anymore, ...it's just life.  I have very little drama now.  I don't cry so much.  Since the Summer Solstice, the lover and I are officially "working on" getting to some common ground.  We have been able to stay friends throughout the entire year, and events.  He's been there for me as much as he could...his mother has been very sick with cancer herself.  She's gonna make it though, ....treatments are over and she's on the mend slowly.

He's learned a lot about himself, ...and feels sincerely that he wants to be be together now.  He's had lots of thinking time, ...being off work as well himself it's hard not to have some reflection as the world turns.  The lessons he says he's learned are amazing.  I have a total renewed interest in being a part of things with him.  Yet, ...consciously I am aware that all may not be as it seems.  More on that in the future maybe.  Im trying to be a trusting as I can in spite of all the hurt.  he's tried to be honest with me, ..I see where he's been making positive changes...it's all very confusing.  And he says he's going to be making his best efforts.  I hope i believe him.

So many times in the past 6months I have been witnessing patterns.  Not necessarily ones that I can read, ...but I can see the patterns.  So much more I could write about...but Im going to stick to what matters tonight.  My lover, and my Gran, and me ....who after all is not so bad of a person.  Regardless of what what other will say about me.  I know I'm doing the Greater Work in my life, ...right now.   I know now a bit more about what I need to do to stay out of naivety ....out of ignorance.  It really starts by just making solid, healthy, character actualizing, boundaries, being bold.and sticking to those boundaries.

Peace everyone, ..<3