Been a long time since the last entry into this blog, ..I suppose in the last four weeks I have been taking a different road, and a more private one as well. I have started this project and the results are coming by the numbers and quick. This week in the project, I am on "reading deprivation" ...so naturally on day four of the week ahead, ...I turn to my pen by those same numbers, ...I'm much more accustomed to writing anyways.
...I'm not sure what will be happening next week but it's still interesting being cut off from facebook an texting, researching, ...I wanted to look up this rock the other day that was giving me vibes at Amethyst Creations on 4th and Macdonald, ..but had to put it on a list of to do , ..once the reading dep. is done. Images are coming quicker with the new work I'm doing, ..and Im writing everyday for the last month up to 5 pages most of those days , ..and sometimes much more than that, and rarely less. I have been growing and looking within to find answers, and those answers, which I set as goals, ...gently are revealed.
I am hopeful that the continued program in the next 8weeks proves more and more into the well of my creative, as they put it. And even as I traverse these weeks with many faces of family and laughter, ..it's in the quite moments I'm writing that I truly begin to understand more and more, what I am, who I am and what I have come from, ...I worry sometimes, ...but more or less often than not, I a kept inside some feelings of relief and solace: a thing that doesn't always put it's name on my tongue, but when it does, it so healing and positive.
I am moving toward further healing, ...keeping close to myself and finding new areas inside that I have not necessarily been in much contact with. Fears, ..dormant, hidden. Joys, ...equally behind a veil. Both of them in some tidal push towards happiness in the things I do in my life. And I am finding air to breath more and more, ..and those dark thoughts that used to plague me at sleep time while I lie awake, they are gone. And my life is not perfect, and that's just fine, ..because I realize and and recognize that there is a great gift that I have, ...that I have worked to keep safe through-out my entire life.
Maybe I live in a bit of a fantasy about , ...past lives, and star crossed lovers. But I can love still, where some have lost the ability. It's so much a part of me these dreams and images, that I cannot deny their meaning and force. I know that within me there is a place where I am the one that is making creation, just as everyone does. And this reduces no energy or flow to the Universe in turn to that meaning I have found.
I have an entire story of how and why I am here, and it's quite the doozy, ...yet, be still, and remember the powers of Belief. They show so many faces of control, and grace....but when we release what we believe...? What happens?
The powers of Belief can truly raise us up, and cast us aside,...I suppose I have sometimes forgotten my beliefs and gave into some transgression. Some may even look at me as an apologist, but if we cannot be humble enough to accept our responsibilities, and give credit, or accolades if due, where are we going to find honor in ourselves as we look in the mirror. Surely integrity is included in the quest to have balance, and favor and also give room for a current and forthright forgiveness if it is asked of us. Most I have found don't ever even bother to really give a proper apology.
I was watching a you tube video about this professor and his Last Lecture. There were a ton of juicy little tid bits in the video to keep one interested. But one thing was on this video that stuck out to me. and it was about apologies. The exist in three Parts: The first being the "sorry" part and expressing it, ..the second including responsibility for the actions, and thirdly (and this is the important part for me) offering to restitution by some deed or sort of reaction in turn for the transgression. People have forgotten this simple process in their cool needs for ego and pride.
It really is such a shame that apologist are looked down upon by some sorts or intellectuals. They themselves in their cynicism probably sucking the people around them dry as a bone for any water or LIFE. Not saying apologetic natures are the only way to "fix" the problems of the world, little and large, we often forget in our ego and pride that there is certainly always a solution to every obstacle. I have just found that there is little forgiving, because people fail to properly ask for it, often they just remove the actual event from history through denial and worse...sad.
Yet, ...as one, I don't feel any shame. I have apologized to myself for the things that I have done wrong to myself, ...and I have attempted mostly to find balance with the people and things that I have hurt in my past, ..things I loved, and still do somewhere. There were of a lot of heavy to tackle conversations in my life in the past and the presents as well. All coming closer to the thing that is object of desire...Happiness. This is what we are all looking for right? ..Joy, Ecstasy, Compassion, Giving, Gratitude? Non?
Im glad I know what it is that I am wanting for....hopefully one day we all will be able to be on the foundations of the Stars and be connected with something bigger than what we are now. Something that can be in all moments, in Peace and Balance. A guy can dream...
