As we shed our lifes, and the parts of our lives, during life, that we do not need, we must certainly find something to fill in the spaces left by those subtractions. Except, how does one fill in those spaces with something of not only meaning and value, but also of quality and skill. I have to be honest, it's not an easy question to answer.
We can choose to fill our lives with Knowledge, and hope that Wisdom follows, for sure there is a big line between the two. One can know something, and still not know how to exact it's delivery. Is seems that this is where I stand currently.
There is Knowledge, however an illusion, still bubbling from the stove, and yet without a plate, I will have to eat it from the pot. Who wants to eat from a pot? I don't know if it's some morality inside that tells me I need a plate, ..it's just how things are done.
I keep thinking that Love is going to save us from ourselves, on and off with the switch on faith; I want to believe, but when I see it for what it is Im just going to real back in horror. The shit we have all done to eachother, what we do to ourselves privately. the platypus effect of hating our differences, ..I suppose some of us don't have that.
I guess it comes to Forgiveness eventually...letting go involves forgiving our mistakes. Instead of beating a sack of potatoes for not being able to cook themselves. Maybe I should eat out of the pot, ...careless of the stupidity all around me, ..the contradiction of wills/forces, contending energies ...pulling in one direction or the next.
I guess one just have to go beyond their own thoughts and keep into the imagination. Truly mankind has never failed at having an imagination to invent and create with. It truly is an amazing and grand thing, and it can even stated that imagination has few limits. One being, we can only imagine what we want to believe; whether consciously or not, if we don't want to believe it we won't dream it.
Coming back to the begining, ..I suppose we must fill those empty spaces left in place of the things which do not serve us, with the the dreams of the imagination.
Our souls true wish... what we desire/want on a base level. If you only knew the truth behind that, reader and friend. I would have no need for these writings...
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
"Meeting the 'right' person starts with becoming the 'right' person"
This is what one of my Facebook friends posted on his page this morning; and, frankly, if not certainly there is point to be taken from it. I want to know though, what exactly "right" is in a society where morals and ethics barely have any clout any longer. Society is degrading at such a fast rate.
I mean, with everyone and their lives crumbling in on themselves, the fact that some peoples words are without any value. Where a promise isn't trust. Where respect is argued rather than displayed naturally. We all fight against ourselves in our ignorance. Sometimes we don't even realize that we are more lost than we were when we discovered we were lost.
Being the "right" person, is not going to save any of us from the plight of the modern age...economic/social collapse. There are still going to be the vampires/masses of the world sucking us dry. There still, will be all the lies that were told, and the cheats we've all acted out in our daily lives. The things we tell ourselves so that we can get along with our days, ...what we defend to the death, or let go without notice. It all shows in each of us, not only to others, but ourselves as well. (if we are looking) It shows us just how shallow our bottom lines are.
I have turned my eye blind to so many different situations which were painful and hurtful. And put those moments aside, so that I could carry on, deal, cope, whichever I needed to do to continue. And inside those exact things that I was ignoring, they ate away at my insides. Changing me into a empty, vacuous, pit ......leaving me with no choice but to fill my head with drugs, and sex, and booze.
And now that I have completely fallen off one of the wagons I put myself on, perspective is all so very clear. One sees things for what they are in reality, ....and I tell you: It's not pretty. I am the very definition of cynic, I believe at my very core that people will take care of their own needs over the needs of the many or even the few at times. People will protect their own interests, purely out of survival. I tried to ignore this fact as well, but it's there....always. I think it's part of growing into Knowledge.
Spirituality teaches us to Trust and Love the things in our lives. Trust/Love the Path your on, Trust/Love your lover or friends/family, Trust/Love yourself. But in this action there is a vulnerability that Spirituality does not speak about, the fact that one cannot expect these things to be reflected back to you. You have to just give it out unconditional and as pure as possible. Seriously though, ...and when we are without light it tells us to have "faith" ....meanwhile, the masses are growing and growing killing and raping the planet.
Most people, even the good ones, when presented with Love/Trust, will not only reject it, they will not even Respect it with acceptance. We aren't taught these things...we are taught how to build, and create, and finish all these tasks in our daily lifes...some more important than others. But we are not taught how to Love, or how to Trust, or how to Respect works. We all have to discover it for ourselves through trial and err, in life, by chance.. One would think after 25,000 years of civilization we could find some common ground on where to find these things, ...but we don't. We are so lost.
There's no order in the world, that's why we are all addicted, ...we have to be addicted to something to crush the knowing that there is no order. We hide in food, or drugs, or exercise, or alcohol, or expensive toys....at the end of the day , ...we are all trying hold it together, so that we don't lose some imaginary trophy.
Well, I say , ...fuck it. Im tired of being told to be the "right" person, Im refuse to hold myself together any longer so that I can hold onto the belief for a minute that I'm right for someone or something. It's ridiculous to try and meet other peoples expectations, ...I have had my own, and they are enough to handle. People just take what appeals to them, ...there's so much more. I don't care if Im the right person or not, ...Im going to be me, and if that isn't enough, well, tough titty. I have better things to do that be right for someone else.
I've met a lot of people, and I tell you, ...some were not right, but they are still in my life regardless, I didn't judge them and throw them to the dogs like so many others would without hardly a blink. Just because I dont' agree, or we don't agree, it doesn't mean there is no value. People still have value whether they are right or not.....
Im not going to be the right person for someone that has no sense of Love, Trust, or Respect...what a waste of my time. I'd rather be alone than with someone that views me as the right guy...please. Look at the big picture people ...it's not all about what we want ya know. There's plenty more beyond "desire"...
Stop looking for the "right" person, ...and consider what "fits" ....
I mean, with everyone and their lives crumbling in on themselves, the fact that some peoples words are without any value. Where a promise isn't trust. Where respect is argued rather than displayed naturally. We all fight against ourselves in our ignorance. Sometimes we don't even realize that we are more lost than we were when we discovered we were lost.
Being the "right" person, is not going to save any of us from the plight of the modern age...economic/social collapse. There are still going to be the vampires/masses of the world sucking us dry. There still, will be all the lies that were told, and the cheats we've all acted out in our daily lives. The things we tell ourselves so that we can get along with our days, ...what we defend to the death, or let go without notice. It all shows in each of us, not only to others, but ourselves as well. (if we are looking) It shows us just how shallow our bottom lines are.
I have turned my eye blind to so many different situations which were painful and hurtful. And put those moments aside, so that I could carry on, deal, cope, whichever I needed to do to continue. And inside those exact things that I was ignoring, they ate away at my insides. Changing me into a empty, vacuous, pit ......leaving me with no choice but to fill my head with drugs, and sex, and booze.
And now that I have completely fallen off one of the wagons I put myself on, perspective is all so very clear. One sees things for what they are in reality, ....and I tell you: It's not pretty. I am the very definition of cynic, I believe at my very core that people will take care of their own needs over the needs of the many or even the few at times. People will protect their own interests, purely out of survival. I tried to ignore this fact as well, but it's there....always. I think it's part of growing into Knowledge.
Spirituality teaches us to Trust and Love the things in our lives. Trust/Love the Path your on, Trust/Love your lover or friends/family, Trust/Love yourself. But in this action there is a vulnerability that Spirituality does not speak about, the fact that one cannot expect these things to be reflected back to you. You have to just give it out unconditional and as pure as possible. Seriously though, ...and when we are without light it tells us to have "faith" ....meanwhile, the masses are growing and growing killing and raping the planet.
Most people, even the good ones, when presented with Love/Trust, will not only reject it, they will not even Respect it with acceptance. We aren't taught these things...we are taught how to build, and create, and finish all these tasks in our daily lifes...some more important than others. But we are not taught how to Love, or how to Trust, or how to Respect works. We all have to discover it for ourselves through trial and err, in life, by chance.. One would think after 25,000 years of civilization we could find some common ground on where to find these things, ...but we don't. We are so lost.
There's no order in the world, that's why we are all addicted, ...we have to be addicted to something to crush the knowing that there is no order. We hide in food, or drugs, or exercise, or alcohol, or expensive toys....at the end of the day , ...we are all trying hold it together, so that we don't lose some imaginary trophy.
Well, I say , ...fuck it. Im tired of being told to be the "right" person, Im refuse to hold myself together any longer so that I can hold onto the belief for a minute that I'm right for someone or something. It's ridiculous to try and meet other peoples expectations, ...I have had my own, and they are enough to handle. People just take what appeals to them, ...there's so much more. I don't care if Im the right person or not, ...Im going to be me, and if that isn't enough, well, tough titty. I have better things to do that be right for someone else.
I've met a lot of people, and I tell you, ...some were not right, but they are still in my life regardless, I didn't judge them and throw them to the dogs like so many others would without hardly a blink. Just because I dont' agree, or we don't agree, it doesn't mean there is no value. People still have value whether they are right or not.....
Im not going to be the right person for someone that has no sense of Love, Trust, or Respect...what a waste of my time. I'd rather be alone than with someone that views me as the right guy...please. Look at the big picture people ...it's not all about what we want ya know. There's plenty more beyond "desire"...
Stop looking for the "right" person, ...and consider what "fits" ....
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Steps backwards in the journey...
In all of our journeys there are steps back wards. Sometimes we take a step too close to the edge, we take a step back ...and yes we can all find a objective view of ourselves in that instance. Life has definitely stepped up a notch as I watch all the pictures before me in that step back. Suddenly and with little introduction, we are forced to see the image we don't want to see.
Now I see all those things as they are I suppose, the connection is unmistakable. None of us are perfect, and trying to achieve perfect "all" the time is virtually impossible. We all have to look back at some point and realize where we come from, not just from family, but from out own choices and even fate (if we can dream a bit). I chose the life I have today, possibly in ignorance, yet still all of this is of my design.
The estrangement(s), abuse(s), the rise(s), the epiphany moment(s). Some more fleeting than others, I have made a choice to do somethings one way and other things another way. All definitely for the sake of Ego...so that I could get what my "Self" wanted. Throwing caution to the wind, professing I am opening my mind, but really just running as long and far as I could from the things which plague me. Things like negative thoughts, negative people (vampires), negative behavior. There comes a point where everything needs to be considered.
I am at that point, there is no denying it any longer, new choices need to be made ...choices for a future from now, ...not from my past. To truly shed all that doesn't serve us, we have to shed our very Ego, so that we don't even posses the moment ....the moment is there, and it is alive in love, and then it passes...any attachment we have must be shed as well. Holding onto the moment seems to be the very thing dragging me down in my moment with those images flashing before my senses. Somehow I believe that holding onto the moment is going to save me or make me happy. That is a true Lie...
Thinking positive is fine and useful, but that's not all one has to be in happiness. Letting ones own Ego and even Righteousness ....we may be each unique and full of power. Untapped that power lies in us all waiting to be explored. What happens after we have explored that power? What happens when we see it? Are we to all let that go as well?
Perhaps is just comes down to moderation...
Now I see all those things as they are I suppose, the connection is unmistakable. None of us are perfect, and trying to achieve perfect "all" the time is virtually impossible. We all have to look back at some point and realize where we come from, not just from family, but from out own choices and even fate (if we can dream a bit). I chose the life I have today, possibly in ignorance, yet still all of this is of my design.
The estrangement(s), abuse(s), the rise(s), the epiphany moment(s). Some more fleeting than others, I have made a choice to do somethings one way and other things another way. All definitely for the sake of Ego...so that I could get what my "Self" wanted. Throwing caution to the wind, professing I am opening my mind, but really just running as long and far as I could from the things which plague me. Things like negative thoughts, negative people (vampires), negative behavior. There comes a point where everything needs to be considered.
I am at that point, there is no denying it any longer, new choices need to be made ...choices for a future from now, ...not from my past. To truly shed all that doesn't serve us, we have to shed our very Ego, so that we don't even posses the moment ....the moment is there, and it is alive in love, and then it passes...any attachment we have must be shed as well. Holding onto the moment seems to be the very thing dragging me down in my moment with those images flashing before my senses. Somehow I believe that holding onto the moment is going to save me or make me happy. That is a true Lie...
Thinking positive is fine and useful, but that's not all one has to be in happiness. Letting ones own Ego and even Righteousness ....we may be each unique and full of power. Untapped that power lies in us all waiting to be explored. What happens after we have explored that power? What happens when we see it? Are we to all let that go as well?
Perhaps is just comes down to moderation...
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Difficulty in the letting go..
Through all of this letting go, ...one finds the blocks and obstacles of their own design bubbling to the surface and rearing their horrid head. It's been 18 days since I quit marijuana, and to be honest, it is most certainly making ripples on the surface of the pond.
I told myself that I would try not to drink in this period too much, but have found myself, more and more, turning to spirits to combat the myriad of emotions flying around me constantly. It's like all the things that were driving me to do drugs, smoke cigarettes, and pot...they are all coming into the open. Ive tried to face them head on, and for the most part it's a positive experience. I've tried to be strong, but still....there is alcohol. And I have to find some balance....sigh*
Usually alcohol isn't a problem with me, ..I don't drink socially most of the time, I drink occasionally. Yet, since I began this process of letting go, ...I have just grabbed a hold of alcohol in my attempt to find peace. Of course, no peace is going to be found in alcohol, ...only drama and more addiction.
I am actually finding myself with two hangovers in the last week, which is like a first in years and years...two in one week? .(it's almost a oddity). I fall further away from part of my goal which is independence from substance....but with all this going on inside me, ...how should I find that peace that I am so desperately seeking?
Ive tried spirituality, and it only brought me to further from the light as I was surrounded by vampires and tyrants..people who claim to be the light, except they are only shadows of Divinity. As soon as they have extinguished any use for me, I am discarded. I have done meditation, and the rituals that can help to balance, and still though, balance does not erase the past, ..nor, in my experience, does it make peace. If anything Balance requires much work ....and often without the same reward a drug or alcohol can bring.
To tell you the truth, ...Im not really changed at all by the experience of quitting all this foolery and addiction. An acquaintance of mine said I had changed very little on the inside. The problem it seems is not in the substance, but in my sight of the world. Negative feelings, negative emotions, negative associations with the world is what drove me to addiction. It wasn't the drug that I was addicted to ...it was the constant fight with ones self to stay the course in my battle to find balance. And so I find that balance does not come from the things we do but rather how we do them, and how we feel while we do them.
I don't know where things are going to head from here. Today is Thanksgiving Day, and there is a turkey dinner waiting for me somewhere in the heights of Coal Harbor. I am going to try and be positive about the experience...regardless of my instincts (probably not smart). And hopefully, just maybe I can finally find the peace I am looking for...I have to try. (otherwise I won't be able to look at myself in the mirror)
I expect nothing of the sort I might add, ..it will be as it always is ...with people all around living out their lives. Indulgent and full of heathen debauchery, and with no care for the pain and suffering in the world , ....stuffing their faces, and loosening their belts in gluttony at the end of the meal. And I will join in , ...because that is what is expected of me... some of them won't even be able to finish their meals , ....because the will have taken too much on their plate. (not unlike me in this project towards health).
I don't expect to make more friends in this process of letting go, ...and probably at the end of it there is going to be so much change around me, that I will hardly recognize myself in the mirror when I look. I was told last night that I speak the "truth". Well, if one knows anything about truth, it's that, at the beginning ...nobody wants to hear it.
I told myself that I would try not to drink in this period too much, but have found myself, more and more, turning to spirits to combat the myriad of emotions flying around me constantly. It's like all the things that were driving me to do drugs, smoke cigarettes, and pot...they are all coming into the open. Ive tried to face them head on, and for the most part it's a positive experience. I've tried to be strong, but still....there is alcohol. And I have to find some balance....sigh*
Usually alcohol isn't a problem with me, ..I don't drink socially most of the time, I drink occasionally. Yet, since I began this process of letting go, ...I have just grabbed a hold of alcohol in my attempt to find peace. Of course, no peace is going to be found in alcohol, ...only drama and more addiction.
I am actually finding myself with two hangovers in the last week, which is like a first in years and years...two in one week? .(it's almost a oddity). I fall further away from part of my goal which is independence from substance....but with all this going on inside me, ...how should I find that peace that I am so desperately seeking?
Ive tried spirituality, and it only brought me to further from the light as I was surrounded by vampires and tyrants..people who claim to be the light, except they are only shadows of Divinity. As soon as they have extinguished any use for me, I am discarded. I have done meditation, and the rituals that can help to balance, and still though, balance does not erase the past, ..nor, in my experience, does it make peace. If anything Balance requires much work ....and often without the same reward a drug or alcohol can bring.
To tell you the truth, ...Im not really changed at all by the experience of quitting all this foolery and addiction. An acquaintance of mine said I had changed very little on the inside. The problem it seems is not in the substance, but in my sight of the world. Negative feelings, negative emotions, negative associations with the world is what drove me to addiction. It wasn't the drug that I was addicted to ...it was the constant fight with ones self to stay the course in my battle to find balance. And so I find that balance does not come from the things we do but rather how we do them, and how we feel while we do them.
I don't know where things are going to head from here. Today is Thanksgiving Day, and there is a turkey dinner waiting for me somewhere in the heights of Coal Harbor. I am going to try and be positive about the experience...regardless of my instincts (probably not smart). And hopefully, just maybe I can finally find the peace I am looking for...I have to try. (otherwise I won't be able to look at myself in the mirror)
I expect nothing of the sort I might add, ..it will be as it always is ...with people all around living out their lives. Indulgent and full of heathen debauchery, and with no care for the pain and suffering in the world , ....stuffing their faces, and loosening their belts in gluttony at the end of the meal. And I will join in , ...because that is what is expected of me... some of them won't even be able to finish their meals , ....because the will have taken too much on their plate. (not unlike me in this project towards health).
I don't expect to make more friends in this process of letting go, ...and probably at the end of it there is going to be so much change around me, that I will hardly recognize myself in the mirror when I look. I was told last night that I speak the "truth". Well, if one knows anything about truth, it's that, at the beginning ...nobody wants to hear it.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Still on the road to happiness...
So with all this dropping away of the things that don't serve me, I decided to send my lost Father a letter to remind him of what he has done to me generally, and specifically. Im not sure what will come out of it. I figured after the amount of ignorant dismissal by him that is was time I leveled the field and let him know, that I know what he has done. I am an adult now and can see clearly the events of my past in the bigger picture.
I spent a mere 20 minutes writing the letter, outlining in not so many words, that he should reconsider what he is and what he has contributed in the present and past towards not only me but my twin. (which is quite menial) It' wasn't a kind letter, but it wasn't brushing with any malice either. I did nothing but tell the truth, which, my father told me once "sets us free".
In my adult years, even I see the long lasting effects of the years before my parents divorce have had on me. Im not going to get into specifics, but needless to say he fell short of responsible, and caring. He also fell short of hero and mentor as well. A fate I might comment is not unusual for many children and their Fathers. I don't know why this is. I know that through faults of my own and others I with my own Son, have fallen very short of hero and mentor as well. (but that is not what we are talking about).
I set the situation free, it was quite late, ..after 4am. I couldn't sleep ..a usual happening in the last week. And I was thinking "what do I have to lose?". I mean, my father isn't in my life, ..he doesn't want to be, and I don't want him to be either. He's an uneducated, socially inept fool..who has practically tossed all three of his children to the curb at some time or another, for childish and immature reasons. Holding children responsible for the choices they are forced to make.
We always hope that our parents can be bigger than the children they are raising, but when it come s to the true nature of the man, we all are reacting emotional creatures. This morning I didn't react I did what needed to be done, and laid the truth down. I stood and delivered my story without any inhibition. I don't expect a reply...(he ignored my greeting s on his birthday and Fathers Day this year, while acknowledging my sisters.) I fear my love is not what he is looking for, and frankly I have grown tired of waiting for him to come around. Im moving on.
He doesn't know what he has done to me, and I also fear he will not ever understand the complexity that he has created. What I will say is that I am a survivor of abuse...beyond neglect.
I remember being quite young and the family was sitting down to dinner for KFC, we were quite poor and even at that young age I knew it was a treat to get fried chicken and the fixings for dinner. When it came time to eat though, I was denied chicken on the grounds that my doctor had diagnosed me, at the time, with an ulcer...a five year old with a ulcer? What in the world would be stressing out a five year old in 1980 so much that he would develop an ulcer? I let you draw your own conclusions.
Needless to say, I didn't get the answer to that question until I was much past graduation and deep in mental disease after years of drug abuse and consequently drug psychosis.
My Mother had saved me from even more damage by divorcing my Father, and I felt for the first time "loved" and "safe". My twin brother didn't have the same experience unfortunately...for him there was something much different, except that is his story, not mine.
I have come out of those days alive and intact, but the things I learned in those young formative years have stayed with me. I can sense danger from a far distance away, ....like a sixth sense, a knowing, and hyper sensitivity. I can determine very quickly what will be safe and what will not. Sometimes it serves me, and sometime, I fear it can hold me back and slow me down. My constant weighing of each situation is not always complete I must admit. For the most part though, I haven't strayed totally off track in life, regardless of my social or financial status.
Regardless of my past, I didn't not repeat the cycle and become the image of my Father to my own Son. In fact, I had no hand in my Sons life (other than sperm donor). Something I know is his power, ...who knows what would have become of me if I had been tasked to help his Mother raise him. I may have become my Father and turned my Sons life into a nightmare, instead of the safety that I am sure he experienced. I may have not totally consciously made that choice ...but I made that choice through my inaction's.
I can be thankful for that, even if the consequence was my own health. I can be at peace that my Son never had to go through what I did. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, enemy or otherwise. I have to admit, I doubt I would have not ever been ready to raise a child. I feel still, sometimes, that I still am that child, or that that child is buried in me deep .....hiding from the world and the pain in it.
If you are an adult now, and are a survivor of abuse, be sure to give yourself the respect that you didn't give up, and that you are reading this, and still learning. People like my Father, they cannot learn any new skills...their growth has ended and they will stand in stasis for the entire completion of their lives.
I felt better after I wrote the letter, in fact, soon after I returned to bed this morning after completing it, I did fall asleep like a babe. ...so my actions have brought peace, and even if that peace is temporary, ...I will take it.
I spent a mere 20 minutes writing the letter, outlining in not so many words, that he should reconsider what he is and what he has contributed in the present and past towards not only me but my twin. (which is quite menial) It' wasn't a kind letter, but it wasn't brushing with any malice either. I did nothing but tell the truth, which, my father told me once "sets us free".
In my adult years, even I see the long lasting effects of the years before my parents divorce have had on me. Im not going to get into specifics, but needless to say he fell short of responsible, and caring. He also fell short of hero and mentor as well. A fate I might comment is not unusual for many children and their Fathers. I don't know why this is. I know that through faults of my own and others I with my own Son, have fallen very short of hero and mentor as well. (but that is not what we are talking about).
I set the situation free, it was quite late, ..after 4am. I couldn't sleep ..a usual happening in the last week. And I was thinking "what do I have to lose?". I mean, my father isn't in my life, ..he doesn't want to be, and I don't want him to be either. He's an uneducated, socially inept fool..who has practically tossed all three of his children to the curb at some time or another, for childish and immature reasons. Holding children responsible for the choices they are forced to make.
We always hope that our parents can be bigger than the children they are raising, but when it come s to the true nature of the man, we all are reacting emotional creatures. This morning I didn't react I did what needed to be done, and laid the truth down. I stood and delivered my story without any inhibition. I don't expect a reply...(he ignored my greeting s on his birthday and Fathers Day this year, while acknowledging my sisters.) I fear my love is not what he is looking for, and frankly I have grown tired of waiting for him to come around. Im moving on.
He doesn't know what he has done to me, and I also fear he will not ever understand the complexity that he has created. What I will say is that I am a survivor of abuse...beyond neglect.
I remember being quite young and the family was sitting down to dinner for KFC, we were quite poor and even at that young age I knew it was a treat to get fried chicken and the fixings for dinner. When it came time to eat though, I was denied chicken on the grounds that my doctor had diagnosed me, at the time, with an ulcer...a five year old with a ulcer? What in the world would be stressing out a five year old in 1980 so much that he would develop an ulcer? I let you draw your own conclusions.
Needless to say, I didn't get the answer to that question until I was much past graduation and deep in mental disease after years of drug abuse and consequently drug psychosis.
My Mother had saved me from even more damage by divorcing my Father, and I felt for the first time "loved" and "safe". My twin brother didn't have the same experience unfortunately...for him there was something much different, except that is his story, not mine.
I have come out of those days alive and intact, but the things I learned in those young formative years have stayed with me. I can sense danger from a far distance away, ....like a sixth sense, a knowing, and hyper sensitivity. I can determine very quickly what will be safe and what will not. Sometimes it serves me, and sometime, I fear it can hold me back and slow me down. My constant weighing of each situation is not always complete I must admit. For the most part though, I haven't strayed totally off track in life, regardless of my social or financial status.
Regardless of my past, I didn't not repeat the cycle and become the image of my Father to my own Son. In fact, I had no hand in my Sons life (other than sperm donor). Something I know is his power, ...who knows what would have become of me if I had been tasked to help his Mother raise him. I may have become my Father and turned my Sons life into a nightmare, instead of the safety that I am sure he experienced. I may have not totally consciously made that choice ...but I made that choice through my inaction's.
I can be thankful for that, even if the consequence was my own health. I can be at peace that my Son never had to go through what I did. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, enemy or otherwise. I have to admit, I doubt I would have not ever been ready to raise a child. I feel still, sometimes, that I still am that child, or that that child is buried in me deep .....hiding from the world and the pain in it.
If you are an adult now, and are a survivor of abuse, be sure to give yourself the respect that you didn't give up, and that you are reading this, and still learning. People like my Father, they cannot learn any new skills...their growth has ended and they will stand in stasis for the entire completion of their lives.
I felt better after I wrote the letter, in fact, soon after I returned to bed this morning after completing it, I did fall asleep like a babe. ...so my actions have brought peace, and even if that peace is temporary, ...I will take it.
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