I started this project long before I started this blog, I was at Saturn Returns 6 years ago when I quit hard drugs. The details surrounding that even are beyond normal communications, and not appropriate for this medium. But, needless to say, like any addict that has quit for good, I did (for myself) find the motivation to stop the cycle with hard drugs. ..and then again with cigarettes this last June 1st, and now marajuana in the present now.
I'm on day 3 without, and I am doing fine. The flash anxiety and thoughts from the past bubbling to the surface make me wonder "Why am I doing this?". To what end will these events lead me? ..or rather where do I prefer these events to lead me.
When I quit hard drugs in 2004 all I could think in general was, .."don't fall away from love" (meaning mostly family and friends). At the time my drug addiction had left me with a telephone that did not ring; when merely months before I was flooded with requests for attention. I have to say though it was attention that I didn't need.
When I quit cigarettes in June 2010, what I was thinking of in general was "money" and how to keep it in my wallet for as long as possible, and also "health" because I was hacking and coughing up some pretty scary stuff. I also had some great motivation from a great friend who offered new shoes if I managed to make it a month without nicotine.
And now we have the final draw... I have quit my favorite...marajuana. The first 3 days were pretty tough, ..but now, I think I maybe have it under control. The anxiety and the moodiness were pretty crazy. But then, it's like that all the time no matter what we are rejecting in terms of our addictions.
My dreams have been nothing short of EPIC, since I quit. And aside from the irritable mood, and insomnia, I think that I am going to make it the six months to Spring Equinox and not smoke it.
But I digress, a bit, ...the theme of this entry is to acknowledge the end I hope to accomplish with all this. And it's simple... I want to have a future. My family failed to provide me with one as a child, so now, ..at 35 I am tasked with finding it myself. A task, I suspect, will become more clear as my body begins to get all the free radicals from smoking out.
I want a life I can respect, and that doesn't necessarily suggest that, I can't respect my life now. Just that, in general, respect comes from work and trials, and also sometimes perseverance. I will find my future beyond substance abuse, I will find a "now" I can look at and not be too critical. When I quit smoking cigarettes, ..I began to toke like it was going out of style. The money alone was getting out of control.
I guess that brings me to my next "ends". I want control over my life as well. Being the slave to the addictions of drugs, cigarettes, and marajuana brought me out of control in my life. And though control is a illusion, I fear also that totally giving in to every whim and passing desire, will not feed my higher purpose. Which is what I am hoping to serve eventually...somehow.
I guess the next step is to find that higher purpose...to find that thing in my life that has always been there waiting to be nurtured, but hasn't because of the constant "dis-sobriety". I don't expect any of this to bring me what I want. I am still going to have to play an active part in the motion I am creating. I will have to become a greater Magi that I already am. One that can manifest beyond his own, and others expectations.
My will is strong, my head is on my shoulders, ...my heart, though cut and bleeding, is healing and full of so much love that sometimes I surprise myself with the amount of forgiveness I have. Not only for others, but also for the parts in myself that need forgiveness. (we all need this)
As I go further into this experience, I am certain things will become more lucid and have less clouds around them in general. But, one thing at a time, and all things in time...patience is my most treasured friend now. And I cannot forget the "ends" that I hope to accomplish... all this is happening for a larger purpose, and though there may be a lot of neglect in my past, the future I create will be mine, and not some drugs.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Fate came looking for me on my phone.
It's so great when one states their purpose or active notion, and that statement grows and comes back to them.
I have had this "friend" for a number of years now (2-3), she's a nice woman most of the time, aging and menopausal at times, and other times an absolute pleasure to ignore. She grew a liking for me straight off the bat, ..Im not sure what attracted her to me, or why I responded so readily at her request to take me out for dinner on occasion to hash over her multiple failed relationships with law enforcement members.
She's straight, and clean, and professional; fairly attractive and drives a nice car....it's green, sporty and a convertible, she drives it so slowly sometimes I want to scream, cause the car is built to move. She has spent hundreds of dollars feeding me steak and pasta, all you can eat sushi, and Indian Buffet. She never said no to any of my requests, but then, I did know what was polite to ask for and what was off limits.
She was always talking about some guy she was seeing or dating or fucking. Sometimes she would talk about men who treated her with zero respect, and other times about how great they were in bed or in conversation. And still, she never settled down with any of them, not even to enjoy for a period. She always held them at a certain distance in my mind; I thought that I was exempt from that until recently.
What happened was she was having a considerable hard time dealing with one of her "toys". She had called me to come see her 4 times in 7 days, ...two of those meeting in one day. Needless to say, for me, this was an abuse of our relationship, and also my time. Granted I was fed and drunk to my satisfaction, but her conversations were getting quite heated, and she had clearly lost control of the situation with one of her boys.
He had visited her, after some period away from her, ..he had blown her mind with the emotion he possessed in the bedroom. Something that made her of course have an emotional reaction of her own. And he had left her with this idea that he was not going to return for a second show (so to speak). This left her feeling quite unstable and unsure what to do next.
Now, let us go back to before the return of this guy. He had lied to her, gave her grief that caused her much upheaval, and then he had dissipated in nothing and was gone. Leaving her abandoned and alone, without any way of contacting him on a regular basis.
I told her in the first place to stay away from this guy, that he was trouble, that she could not trust him. (not unlike i have done before with others) But still, she pursued this man, ...and consequently was hurt. I basically told her that she should have listen to me. I may have lost my temper a bit, but I didn't swear, I just told her she knew what she was getting into when she started. She disagreed.. and I said, I told you he wasn't going to treat you well. I don't know exactly what it was that triggers me to tell her that in the beginning. And she chose to ignore the warning...to her own downfall.
Well, ..after the four meeting in less than 7 days, ..I left dinner.. she wasn't happy, she was hurting. I tried to protect her from it. She messaged me the next day, ...she didn't even have the balls to tell me in person. She had decided I had crossed the line, and not for the first time, and that we could no longer be friends.
OMG...she is lost.
I don't know what your meaning of friendship is, but frankly, buying someone dinner once or twice a month for 2-3 years, and using that person to look good in public, and satisfy some childish game of "look who Im with" does not constitute a friendship. One can be friendly and not be friends is what Im saying...
She dumped me as her friend, but all I am without is a paid meal and a tonne of stress from listening to a child s dirty little secrets all the time. Im not going to say I am not going to miss the "dates". I will say though, that when and if she ever shows up again, ..which I suspect is closer than I am comfortable with, I will plainly just deny her.
There is nothing to be gained from this situation for me. I let it continue because I was being kind and caring, and knew I possessed what she needed to deal. I fear though what she will do without my skills of deduction and intuition in terms with her relationships. It's funny, she may have actually helped me tune my gift a little more so that I am stronger.
This Blog is about New beginnings and casting the old that doesn't serve me away and into the Abyss. Well, ...CatWoman, you just made it into the Abyss. I deny you access into my life any longer, you have no control over me.
I have had this "friend" for a number of years now (2-3), she's a nice woman most of the time, aging and menopausal at times, and other times an absolute pleasure to ignore. She grew a liking for me straight off the bat, ..Im not sure what attracted her to me, or why I responded so readily at her request to take me out for dinner on occasion to hash over her multiple failed relationships with law enforcement members.
She's straight, and clean, and professional; fairly attractive and drives a nice car....it's green, sporty and a convertible, she drives it so slowly sometimes I want to scream, cause the car is built to move. She has spent hundreds of dollars feeding me steak and pasta, all you can eat sushi, and Indian Buffet. She never said no to any of my requests, but then, I did know what was polite to ask for and what was off limits.
She was always talking about some guy she was seeing or dating or fucking. Sometimes she would talk about men who treated her with zero respect, and other times about how great they were in bed or in conversation. And still, she never settled down with any of them, not even to enjoy for a period. She always held them at a certain distance in my mind; I thought that I was exempt from that until recently.
What happened was she was having a considerable hard time dealing with one of her "toys". She had called me to come see her 4 times in 7 days, ...two of those meeting in one day. Needless to say, for me, this was an abuse of our relationship, and also my time. Granted I was fed and drunk to my satisfaction, but her conversations were getting quite heated, and she had clearly lost control of the situation with one of her boys.
He had visited her, after some period away from her, ..he had blown her mind with the emotion he possessed in the bedroom. Something that made her of course have an emotional reaction of her own. And he had left her with this idea that he was not going to return for a second show (so to speak). This left her feeling quite unstable and unsure what to do next.
Now, let us go back to before the return of this guy. He had lied to her, gave her grief that caused her much upheaval, and then he had dissipated in nothing and was gone. Leaving her abandoned and alone, without any way of contacting him on a regular basis.
I told her in the first place to stay away from this guy, that he was trouble, that she could not trust him. (not unlike i have done before with others) But still, she pursued this man, ...and consequently was hurt. I basically told her that she should have listen to me. I may have lost my temper a bit, but I didn't swear, I just told her she knew what she was getting into when she started. She disagreed.. and I said, I told you he wasn't going to treat you well. I don't know exactly what it was that triggers me to tell her that in the beginning. And she chose to ignore the warning...to her own downfall.
Well, ..after the four meeting in less than 7 days, ..I left dinner.. she wasn't happy, she was hurting. I tried to protect her from it. She messaged me the next day, ...she didn't even have the balls to tell me in person. She had decided I had crossed the line, and not for the first time, and that we could no longer be friends.
OMG...she is lost.
I don't know what your meaning of friendship is, but frankly, buying someone dinner once or twice a month for 2-3 years, and using that person to look good in public, and satisfy some childish game of "look who Im with" does not constitute a friendship. One can be friendly and not be friends is what Im saying...
She dumped me as her friend, but all I am without is a paid meal and a tonne of stress from listening to a child s dirty little secrets all the time. Im not going to say I am not going to miss the "dates". I will say though, that when and if she ever shows up again, ..which I suspect is closer than I am comfortable with, I will plainly just deny her.
There is nothing to be gained from this situation for me. I let it continue because I was being kind and caring, and knew I possessed what she needed to deal. I fear though what she will do without my skills of deduction and intuition in terms with her relationships. It's funny, she may have actually helped me tune my gift a little more so that I am stronger.
This Blog is about New beginnings and casting the old that doesn't serve me away and into the Abyss. Well, ...CatWoman, you just made it into the Abyss. I deny you access into my life any longer, you have no control over me.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Quitting all that doesn't serve me...
It's time to stop the lie, that the level of self medicating I attend is "working". I have spent years doing all sorts of things to find some satisfaction, and..sometimes, somethings did get me there, ..but not without a price, a price not only to the wallet but to the body and mind, and in some cases even the soul. (I believe in the soul)
Addiction is not only a killer of the corporal body, I truly believe that hard core addiction degrades the soul body, and even though I quit hard drugs over 6 years ago, I still feel the effects of those substances on my body, mind and soul. I wonder if I have lost a part of myself in that process, a piece I may never possibly be able to find, or reconnect with. Do I still even have the voice or will to call back the wonder that I experienced in those times?
Surely I do have the voice, and yet it wasn't always there, it's a recent development actually. After 6 years, I can finally breathe out and exhale a bit in relief. I didn't relapse into hard core addiction, but I have only quit smoking cigarettes a mere 3months20days ago. This is good too, ...I have beat nicotine, for now. I have quit before and fallen off the wagon at 6months (due to stress). This time though, I have positive friends, and people of great importance in my life. I am not on the edge of life, and nor am I close to danger...safety is the most important thing a person needs to do the things they want to do.
There is alcohol, the wonderful friend of the world with it's liquid intoxication..though I might add I didn't mix too well with that spirit. I have been smashed drunk but found in moderation alcohol can be quite soothing. I have been lucky to have not been sucked into this possible possession. Alcohol and me have a unique understanding, an understanding not present with most other things I have just talked about...
In less than 2 1/2 days on the fall of the 2010 Autumnal Equinox I will cast aside one more substance I am in unbalance with...I have partaken in it everyday for the past 17years at least (with few exceptions), sometimes over a dozen times in one day, often (if not "today" itself) woken up and went straight to it for comfort.
To what end? (some may ask)
To the end that I find myself as I am, and not as I am on any drug/alcohol/cigarette... looking to find a pure self beyond addiction, beyond action from substance. I prefer to actually see with my own eyes now, not the eyes of another spirit. I am ready to see the world as it truly is, in all it's wonder and matter of proportion it stands for.
I know there is change in the world, I want to be apart of the change toward evolution.
Addiction is not only a killer of the corporal body, I truly believe that hard core addiction degrades the soul body, and even though I quit hard drugs over 6 years ago, I still feel the effects of those substances on my body, mind and soul. I wonder if I have lost a part of myself in that process, a piece I may never possibly be able to find, or reconnect with. Do I still even have the voice or will to call back the wonder that I experienced in those times?
Surely I do have the voice, and yet it wasn't always there, it's a recent development actually. After 6 years, I can finally breathe out and exhale a bit in relief. I didn't relapse into hard core addiction, but I have only quit smoking cigarettes a mere 3months20days ago. This is good too, ...I have beat nicotine, for now. I have quit before and fallen off the wagon at 6months (due to stress). This time though, I have positive friends, and people of great importance in my life. I am not on the edge of life, and nor am I close to danger...safety is the most important thing a person needs to do the things they want to do.
There is alcohol, the wonderful friend of the world with it's liquid intoxication..though I might add I didn't mix too well with that spirit. I have been smashed drunk but found in moderation alcohol can be quite soothing. I have been lucky to have not been sucked into this possible possession. Alcohol and me have a unique understanding, an understanding not present with most other things I have just talked about...
In less than 2 1/2 days on the fall of the 2010 Autumnal Equinox I will cast aside one more substance I am in unbalance with...I have partaken in it everyday for the past 17years at least (with few exceptions), sometimes over a dozen times in one day, often (if not "today" itself) woken up and went straight to it for comfort.
To what end? (some may ask)
To the end that I find myself as I am, and not as I am on any drug/alcohol/cigarette... looking to find a pure self beyond addiction, beyond action from substance. I prefer to actually see with my own eyes now, not the eyes of another spirit. I am ready to see the world as it truly is, in all it's wonder and matter of proportion it stands for.
I know there is change in the world, I want to be apart of the change toward evolution.
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