I've been reading some interesting literature lately, ...more specifically Taoism. I've picked up a set of old books from an long friend who was moving away. They still sit in piles in boxes under my desk in my apt. I happen to pull out two to four that were of immediate interest...a double volume on crystals, and making elixirs from crystals. ...some interesting alchemy channeled by a man Gurudas ..of St. Peters account to correspondences to precious/semi-precious stones( ..it's incredibly technical, and my beginning attempts seemed useful ...but lacking a certain something.). And these other two by Benjamin Hoff "The Tao of Pooh" & "The Tei of Piglet", of which I have sunken my teeth into quite readily.
What what the books discuss through allegory and example in "Winnie the Pooh" stories of common archetypes ...illustrating as it progresses a wide range of new images to "fix" my mind to. I strongly suggest both of the Benjamin Hoff books, ..he's other ones, yet I haven't read them or possesed them yet. He's quite lirical, and has a great understanding of the subject he's writing about.
As with most philosophy books, and I have to choose the ones I read wisely, I tend to find ways to synthesize the info into new ways of dealing with everyday happenings. That combined with a great interest in Kundalini Yoga. Seems I have found a untapped fountain through an old friend whom I trust greatly, she's been my instructor in yoga for over 2.5 months now, ...and I am through the classes, and the work we are doing, drawing closer to whichever it is that is at my core.
She starts with some warm up exercises, ...in the beginning they were easier, but we are doing lots of great stuff that is very difficult in some part...working out our chakras inside a total philosophy of itself. We've seen some great progress in all of us in the recents weeks, ..I even had one of my school mates from highschool join me for several classes.
We're strengthening the lower chakras first, and it's quite a nice thing to be in able hands with a proper yogi instructor, than with the other "teachers" I have attracted in my past. Gratitude for them all, always.
I've had to keep busy any which way that I can...things on the social/personal front have taken a major shift and change of frequency and form. Even though Im out of my Hermit year, ..and into the Wheel of Fortune for Growth Cycles, Im still spending lots of time alone. I have been forgiving the past mostly within from the fall out of the past year before September. So much hardship, ...karma balancing inside the inner dimension of my experience.
Such dynamic energy...Full Moon Lunar Eclipse on the 8th of October ...it brought out some important notes on where I need to find growth and open up to possibility again. I fear I may not recognise myself though ...by this time next year. Who knows what new adventure I will be on....not a lot holding me back any more. Not my friends, or work, or family, or some days even myself.
One of the more notable anecdotes in the second book "The Tei of Piglet" ..is ability of underdog to overcome through it's own understanding of itself. That when we are able to see ourselves for what we are in our totality we can then decide to take that first step in intention towards virtues.
I haven't finished it yet, the second book..Im about half way through...yet what I am understanding is when we find true virtue, ...that is harmony with nature; we find ourselves suddenly surrounded by all the abundance we had our own cheek turned to. Maybe that's just a long way of saying, "You, don't know what you love until it's gone." ...superfluously. And still though, there's no virtue I believe in missing something that is lost. ...of course, until it's almost found again. (if ever found again at all)
I have not always really looked to virtue to for answers, ..maybe I thought to not kill, and rape, and thief, and manipulate in my my life. And anyone who knows me closely, Im not cherub stock. ...I guess I just chose some different battles this lifetime. Understanding the body(ies) I attend seems the most important part of living. Being inside virtue, ...kind of dodgy ground in todays apathetic society and masses. Just looking to get eaten if you're "too good". ha ha
I've started using this new App to log and analyze my dreams...needless to say when I spend my leaving hours of the day going over the morning recordings, ..I sometimes don't remember a thing from the images in the morning recordings of my dreams...so something that which would have been lost is found already in the first week.
Im even going as far as to when going through my writings lately to digitally log my journals, to record in the App the dreams that made it into my "morning pages". Which I admittedly am still keeping with after a year and a half. I sometimes miss a day or two over a couple weeks, and my morning ritual has changed surprisingly in a twist.
I basically have my ex's and I's last year journaled every day ...reading through it is "ridiculous" ..to say the least.
So much to tell...but really, I have to keep something for later.
These Taoism books are great, very easy to read, and giving a good synapse of the material...I think Im going to have to read the rest of his books and just see what's his end note is on his work. Getting through the "The Tei of Piglet" is an adventure I was not expecting. Let alone the first book...I am doing it out of a keen interest to just stay open (as I said earlier) to possibilities. Staying in a dimension where I can be in harmony with the environment. Taoism is all about that. ...
Less is more, ...force is friction, ..flow and be like water.
<3
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Life is transformation..there is only cyclic natures
Since my last entry, ..which was only "drafted" and released today was from June's End. I also read a couple of blogs back ...and found some interesting developments.
Namely the sick boy with the rare type of cancer. Seems after some serious surgery, travel and more he's doing better, and has his hair back. The father of this child, my former bully..he sent me a request via social media, and asked that we find some common ground. I had aggressively and in a drunk I believe sent him a very poisonous letter. I didn't even really remember the letter to be honest, ...I looked 2011 was when I sent the letter, ...far before his child was ever sick. Really struck that he had atoned for his trespasses against me.
We didn't go through the paces of picking things apart, and he assured me that he is a much different person these days compared to his youth. He said also that we had worked together and thought that it would have been a great time to do it then. 20 years ago. I was not even able to relate at the time with him. Youth...
I was though in this converse able to let go of that part of the puzzle...and knowing that his son is safer now from disease, does give me some joy. And not anymore just for the boy or his mother, ...for my former bully. Operative word "former". I need to drop all the baggage I can right now.
Also since my last entry ...the ex, come working on it, has turned into oblivion. (pretty much). It's hard for us to be even around each other any longer, ..so much loss we are both dealing with. He's protected though, and so I am in some respects in not on different levels. My soul is intact, ...my mind is stronger, my heart is ...in pain, my spirit discouraged (as my counselor describes me) and still I have the gratitude that I did do my very best with the shit show I was given.
I actually don't know what is next for me. I have, as so many have before me, sacrificed all in my pure lust of result. Foolish to bring your all, some will say. I don't though, ...I say bring your best and be disappointed at nothing in the end. Maybe bringing ones best is not enough to win every battle. But I know that I am a man of means after this year. I certainly know how to survive when my everything has been cut loose. There isn't a part of my life not affected this year.
Finances, ...Love, Family, Friends, Home, Personal Growth, Death, Rest, Play, Work. Magick. nothing was spared.
All of them falling away from me, ..slowly leaving me in a place of total solitude..and silence. My birthday spent with two good friends, was mild and eventful only in the caliber that there were not a lot of people around to celebrate it with. I was actually fine on my birthday, ...regardless of the cliche` want for attention. It's what followed which burns.
My Father and I had a great fight where he termed me as a "bum fucking, cum drinking, cock breathed tubby that had accomplished nothing" Needless to say I felt pretty justified in calling him a prick ...and he better hope he doesn't see me face to face before he's a corpse, There will be no nicety from me to him any longer. I should have given up on him a long time ago. Only I saw so much of him in me, and wanted to believe that he could be saved to. But it's not like that , ..people have to make their own choice. Something I have been learning over and over throughout the years as people choose their lives away from me.
He was the last drop really,...nothing really is in my inner circle other than me right now. I'd like to say I have a partner in crime, or a hot tamale who has my interest. I'd love to say that I am in a community that understands me and accepts me, respects me and supports me. And someday's that gets me down. I am grateful, regardless. .....funny really.
Yet, lately , ..I've been even letting go of the need for anything. I don't feel hungry for food like I have in past recent years. I can do the things that are important to me, and not have to have another with me to make it valuable. My Hermit year is at an end, ..and in my quest to find meaning in the universe, I have found there is no meaning, ...the whole experience is abstract and chaotic, ..and even thought there is patterns ...there is always the cycle of death, ...it will claim all life on earth one day, ..and for that I am grateful as well
I really am, ..Im grateful I have come through the dark night and realized there's nothing but existence and nothing. Love and Life may not be separate, yet they exist in different parts of our mind, ...love for me being a want or need to serve and find enjoyment, ..and life being the expression of that love. Any ways...the past is the past, ..and yes, ..we all make mistakes. We trust when we shouldn't, we deny our instincts and chase that thing that is impossible, that's what really makes us human. We can choose to follow our instincts or choose to ignore them. What that really translates into I have no idea.
But around the corner there is a good space for us all to find celebration. This year of Growth for me is about finding the opportunities and gifts that I have built in my past for this future,...because they are there, waiting to be revealed. I have something up my sleeve, ..I just have to find out what it's going to be, and how it will correspond with my next steps.
I have taken on some new friends and some new energy this year already in the cusp. I know I can make some goals and stick to them ...so much more to write about really but ...honestly it will just have to wait....don't want to jinx the sphinx.
Love and Blessing of Great Abundant Creation. May we all find wealth in Gratitude.
We have a chance to break the cycle and still keep our love.
2014 the year my life change reputedly in a vast number of ways. Between the loss of close friends just after Winter Solstice in 2013, and then the separating of myself, and my beloved, live in, boyfriend of 2.5 years on the 2nd day and 2hr of our new year 2014. We were 800km from home, me in a slightly odd position socially, as a bit of an outsider, but always welcome by the hosts...my sense of humor is not always received as jovially as it is delivered....I cried like I have never done before with a couple on a plane home alone.
I forget their names Kate?...and fiance`. She literally had her wedding dress in her hands as she shuffled in the seat next to me. Lovely couple, cute and completely thrilled to be on their way back to Vancouver, and both self remarkably successful. ...as soon as we reached the BC border in the air though...something hit very strong in my core as my headphones played a special song "Watching the World Go By" by Sahran ...it was a particular mix, by a particular DJ whom I adore.
Tears filled my eyes as like a great block had been removed in my mind and emotional parts, i rushed with feelings that had been buried deep. And I realized in a small way...it was over; finally after all that my lover and I had come through...Wow.
The following six months were a wash of anger, hurt, leavings, poison, ...my cat was deathly ill and almost died, I spent every favor I had in the world....and we saved him. I cried for two weeks when Jules my not so little anymore, orange tabby, kitty cakes was sick. The doctor and I talked in depth about what could have caused this, ...and after some meditation, the answers that came were the darkest things that I have ever experienced in my life.
I've seen some terrible and horrible things, ...maybe not war, maybe not famine, maybe not drought. I have seen suffering, as so many have these days, how we manage is completely beyond me, I may never know. But when the Vet talked to me about Jules, I learned that there are really people in the world that want to harm. It was a big wake up call to me...not everyone was like me in the sense of camaraderie, and universal brother/sister hood. People have problems, ...issues, neurosis, things they don't want to face or challenge themselves to overcome. I just didn't think I would meet with such horror in my life. I thought I was on an upward swing.
Matt was moving out the same time that Jules was sick, ...so not only was my best furbaby in the world dying, ..my love, my heart and literally my souls journey, being altered immensely without me in any control. I left another friend of mine behind during this period, her and I have come to ending of our lessons together as well.
Shortly after I had a couple breaks, ...work began to become an option again. Not having a lover really does free up a lot of time. I met a new friend that has been teaching me some good lessons in friendship and being true, and supportive. I've began to explore different sides of myself that I was unable to before. I didn't think that I was in a box, ...but ladies and gentleman. I SO WAS.
I was letting go, ...letting go of people, and drama. In an effort to find reason in the world, ..I had to bring the sum of my parts to zero. Even my own twin brother and mother didn't really make the cut. I don't talk to them right now much.
I often wonder why these things happen all at once.
A friend of mine described it to me. He said on an emotional level some times people come into a presence of what is called "deep tide". And how each of us has a pendulum in us, ...swinging between balance and moderation, and excess and imbalance. He described it I believe as a drawing down of the emotions into the darker parts of the psyche. I believe into the places that are undiscovered inside ones own inherent talents. I never really looked it up or anything, ..but I have used it as bit of food for thought, ...which is usually quite satisfying.
I have been seeing a counsellor ...he's a good man, and understands the complex nature of some of my spiritual philosophies, and how all of us have a part that can be victorious. He brings so much clarity, I don't know what I would do without him some times. I tell him usually about all the drama in my life...drama he's is successfully helping me find boundaries against. I have found that most people will fling shit if they get the chance...sounds pretty messy, as I was described by several I am certain. but maybe not for the same reason.
My Grandmother died June17th, after a very short term with cancer. One day she was the one saving me from certain disaster, and starvation. The next week she was battling with life itself, ...she was unable to even breath or talk in the final days. All my aunts and uncles were able to say their good-byes. I even was able to find a moment on the phone with Gran to tell her how much she had meant to me, and that it was okay to go. She said she was going to wait for my Mom, who was arriving in the following week ...and she did...passing on the eve of the following day.
Not so secretly, I wished it had been me...She had so much to give the world, and she did in so many ways. All through the service, the pastors (both women) spoke of all the food that she had shared, ...and even asked the congregation to all give a show of hands to the word that they had been fed sometime by my Grandmother. So many hands in the air. ...it was almost enough to make me cry. I didn't though...I was surrounded by mourners, my family, all in the throws of sorrow. And I didn't cry, ...I wanted to ...to release some of my feeling of loss. There was something inside me that want to be silent thought.
And it was the fact that I was happy she was able to be with her God, and her Son in those moments as we watched. She was in an a urn at the front of the church, ....long sheer swaths of cloths in fiery colors of the Sun drawing down from the window beyond the alter. She was with the Light, she was free from the mortal coil of suffering, and the rest of us here have to persevere through to our own eventual deaths.
I hope that I can be as loved as she was, and have all the support I need. I don't think she lived her final days lonely. She had her husband, my Grandfather by her side since they were teens. A big family, two adorable great grand children all left behind ....she was the life in any room she entered. And there were a lot of smiles together at the tea afterward. People celebrated her life, and the times they were able to share with my Granny.
I'll love her in my own way, ...I have felt her with me since, ..I can feel her smile and her big arms around me some moments when I have the time to look.
And now....June's end. Since Decembers end, ....I have seen some things. Cried. Wished. Written into hopeless abandonment in my writings, ...trying to find an answer to all this "stuff". It's not even drama anymore, ...it's just life. I have very little drama now. I don't cry so much. Since the Summer Solstice, the lover and I are officially "working on" getting to some common ground. We have been able to stay friends throughout the entire year, and events. He's been there for me as much as he could...his mother has been very sick with cancer herself. She's gonna make it though, ....treatments are over and she's on the mend slowly.
He's learned a lot about himself, ...and feels sincerely that he wants to be be together now. He's had lots of thinking time, ...being off work as well himself it's hard not to have some reflection as the world turns. The lessons he says he's learned are amazing. I have a total renewed interest in being a part of things with him. Yet, ...consciously I am aware that all may not be as it seems. More on that in the future maybe. Im trying to be a trusting as I can in spite of all the hurt. he's tried to be honest with me, ..I see where he's been making positive changes...it's all very confusing. And he says he's going to be making his best efforts. I hope i believe him.
So many times in the past 6months I have been witnessing patterns. Not necessarily ones that I can read, ...but I can see the patterns. So much more I could write about...but Im going to stick to what matters tonight. My lover, and my Gran, and me ....who after all is not so bad of a person. Regardless of what what other will say about me. I know I'm doing the Greater Work in my life, ...right now. I know now a bit more about what I need to do to stay out of naivety ....out of ignorance. It really starts by just making solid, healthy, character actualizing, boundaries, being bold.and sticking to those boundaries.
Peace everyone, ..<3
I forget their names Kate?...and fiance`. She literally had her wedding dress in her hands as she shuffled in the seat next to me. Lovely couple, cute and completely thrilled to be on their way back to Vancouver, and both self remarkably successful. ...as soon as we reached the BC border in the air though...something hit very strong in my core as my headphones played a special song "Watching the World Go By" by Sahran ...it was a particular mix, by a particular DJ whom I adore.
Tears filled my eyes as like a great block had been removed in my mind and emotional parts, i rushed with feelings that had been buried deep. And I realized in a small way...it was over; finally after all that my lover and I had come through...Wow.
The following six months were a wash of anger, hurt, leavings, poison, ...my cat was deathly ill and almost died, I spent every favor I had in the world....and we saved him. I cried for two weeks when Jules my not so little anymore, orange tabby, kitty cakes was sick. The doctor and I talked in depth about what could have caused this, ...and after some meditation, the answers that came were the darkest things that I have ever experienced in my life.
I've seen some terrible and horrible things, ...maybe not war, maybe not famine, maybe not drought. I have seen suffering, as so many have these days, how we manage is completely beyond me, I may never know. But when the Vet talked to me about Jules, I learned that there are really people in the world that want to harm. It was a big wake up call to me...not everyone was like me in the sense of camaraderie, and universal brother/sister hood. People have problems, ...issues, neurosis, things they don't want to face or challenge themselves to overcome. I just didn't think I would meet with such horror in my life. I thought I was on an upward swing.
Matt was moving out the same time that Jules was sick, ...so not only was my best furbaby in the world dying, ..my love, my heart and literally my souls journey, being altered immensely without me in any control. I left another friend of mine behind during this period, her and I have come to ending of our lessons together as well.
Shortly after I had a couple breaks, ...work began to become an option again. Not having a lover really does free up a lot of time. I met a new friend that has been teaching me some good lessons in friendship and being true, and supportive. I've began to explore different sides of myself that I was unable to before. I didn't think that I was in a box, ...but ladies and gentleman. I SO WAS.
I was letting go, ...letting go of people, and drama. In an effort to find reason in the world, ..I had to bring the sum of my parts to zero. Even my own twin brother and mother didn't really make the cut. I don't talk to them right now much.
I often wonder why these things happen all at once.
A friend of mine described it to me. He said on an emotional level some times people come into a presence of what is called "deep tide". And how each of us has a pendulum in us, ...swinging between balance and moderation, and excess and imbalance. He described it I believe as a drawing down of the emotions into the darker parts of the psyche. I believe into the places that are undiscovered inside ones own inherent talents. I never really looked it up or anything, ..but I have used it as bit of food for thought, ...which is usually quite satisfying.
I have been seeing a counsellor ...he's a good man, and understands the complex nature of some of my spiritual philosophies, and how all of us have a part that can be victorious. He brings so much clarity, I don't know what I would do without him some times. I tell him usually about all the drama in my life...drama he's is successfully helping me find boundaries against. I have found that most people will fling shit if they get the chance...sounds pretty messy, as I was described by several I am certain. but maybe not for the same reason.
My Grandmother died June17th, after a very short term with cancer. One day she was the one saving me from certain disaster, and starvation. The next week she was battling with life itself, ...she was unable to even breath or talk in the final days. All my aunts and uncles were able to say their good-byes. I even was able to find a moment on the phone with Gran to tell her how much she had meant to me, and that it was okay to go. She said she was going to wait for my Mom, who was arriving in the following week ...and she did...passing on the eve of the following day.
Not so secretly, I wished it had been me...She had so much to give the world, and she did in so many ways. All through the service, the pastors (both women) spoke of all the food that she had shared, ...and even asked the congregation to all give a show of hands to the word that they had been fed sometime by my Grandmother. So many hands in the air. ...it was almost enough to make me cry. I didn't though...I was surrounded by mourners, my family, all in the throws of sorrow. And I didn't cry, ...I wanted to ...to release some of my feeling of loss. There was something inside me that want to be silent thought.
And it was the fact that I was happy she was able to be with her God, and her Son in those moments as we watched. She was in an a urn at the front of the church, ....long sheer swaths of cloths in fiery colors of the Sun drawing down from the window beyond the alter. She was with the Light, she was free from the mortal coil of suffering, and the rest of us here have to persevere through to our own eventual deaths.
I hope that I can be as loved as she was, and have all the support I need. I don't think she lived her final days lonely. She had her husband, my Grandfather by her side since they were teens. A big family, two adorable great grand children all left behind ....she was the life in any room she entered. And there were a lot of smiles together at the tea afterward. People celebrated her life, and the times they were able to share with my Granny.
I'll love her in my own way, ...I have felt her with me since, ..I can feel her smile and her big arms around me some moments when I have the time to look.
And now....June's end. Since Decembers end, ....I have seen some things. Cried. Wished. Written into hopeless abandonment in my writings, ...trying to find an answer to all this "stuff". It's not even drama anymore, ...it's just life. I have very little drama now. I don't cry so much. Since the Summer Solstice, the lover and I are officially "working on" getting to some common ground. We have been able to stay friends throughout the entire year, and events. He's been there for me as much as he could...his mother has been very sick with cancer herself. She's gonna make it though, ....treatments are over and she's on the mend slowly.
He's learned a lot about himself, ...and feels sincerely that he wants to be be together now. He's had lots of thinking time, ...being off work as well himself it's hard not to have some reflection as the world turns. The lessons he says he's learned are amazing. I have a total renewed interest in being a part of things with him. Yet, ...consciously I am aware that all may not be as it seems. More on that in the future maybe. Im trying to be a trusting as I can in spite of all the hurt. he's tried to be honest with me, ..I see where he's been making positive changes...it's all very confusing. And he says he's going to be making his best efforts. I hope i believe him.
So many times in the past 6months I have been witnessing patterns. Not necessarily ones that I can read, ...but I can see the patterns. So much more I could write about...but Im going to stick to what matters tonight. My lover, and my Gran, and me ....who after all is not so bad of a person. Regardless of what what other will say about me. I know I'm doing the Greater Work in my life, ...right now. I know now a bit more about what I need to do to stay out of naivety ....out of ignorance. It really starts by just making solid, healthy, character actualizing, boundaries, being bold.and sticking to those boundaries.
Peace everyone, ..<3
Monday, April 7, 2014
What is and what is for naught.
I've been silent in this blog for a while; and since August, a week before my birthday, a lot of changes have happened. My lover and I, after over 2.5years of trying to make it work together in romance, decided it best we keep our relationship platonic for the time at hand, as well as separate the co-habitation agreement as well, ...all culminating from a series of events happening in a place over 800km from home. Needless to say this years Winter was truly full of hard lessons.
Aside from some pride lost, there are two friends that were quite close to me that have fallen out of closeness. Both of them basically charging me to figure my shit out without them, they both have their own lives now to manage. And I respectfully have less drama in my life, and for that I am very grateful.
Sometimes when people are spending all their time telling others how wrong/bad/unusual/chaotic they are as they deny, essentially any real solution. They just want compliance, and frankly I'm not in the mood for that. Life is a strange a power thing and perceptions lately are quite strong that I am in a proper place for the growth that I so much am needing. I am doing what is right for me.
I've managed to let go of a lot lately; and Im not even talking about the facts behind this hard necessity. It is though leaving me with a veritable blank canvas to create on, and in some ways that's what we have to look at each day as we wake up and carry our daily routine. A new beginning happening with each canvas, a new possibility for creation...we are a our core all creators.
Myself as an esoteric artist often needs to express, in certain terms, a thing that is a feeling or a flash of a image behind my minds eye, ...much like a expressionist painter/sculptor will do. Only the paints and brushes I use are crystals and tarot cards. I can create any picture through gridding my crystals to form a field to work in, and the cards are philosophies that I must balance against each other, the colors of the rainbow & beyond.
I open my senses and I ask, ....is the answer in me. And it always is.
I felt the pull of a certain feeling from this Winter, ....and one would think that I would feel vulnerable or maybe even weak as I let go of these relationship, and more. I don't though, I feel strong, I kept my power and didn't give into their obvious ignorance. And yes I was at the end of some pretty amazing psychic energy, most of it pretty negative. There was tears, and anger, and even some unsuspecting strangers have been pulled into the gravity.But I am dealing with the drama in my life by removing myself from the vicinity of it's power.
One person even when as far to say "it's easy to avoid judgement when you avoid relationships" ...and I just laugh at their total disregard to their own contribution the the equation, ....the judgement. So I'm pretty clear that I don't need these people in my life. As for my bf and I ....we are trying to remain friends, which still plays out some emotions...emotions both of us are pretty honest about.
I guess there is a point where we just realize there are no more lessons to be learned in a certain school, and must be wise and move to a place where there can be growth.
Seems my growth currently means to be me with myself. And I will find a greater mood from within, and not have to look to others for qualification of my own worth. I know my worth, ...it's others that don't understand it. And that's not their duty to either, ...it's their loss. A loss they are sadly unaware of for the most part due to fact that they are more concerned with being right than anything. I don't need to be right, I need to be safe, and in that Im letting go of that drama, and finding myself as my own hero.
I'd rather be alone right now that be on the end of flaky, and also admittedly fake relationships...fake as in they really are not supportive, ...not to my spirit, or soul at least.
it's nobody fault, Im not looking to blame others. I am walking away though and finding my power. Im not a slave to a relationship just to make it work. I have better things to do, like have my own life. Something I don't think I've ever been able to give myself.
Aside from some pride lost, there are two friends that were quite close to me that have fallen out of closeness. Both of them basically charging me to figure my shit out without them, they both have their own lives now to manage. And I respectfully have less drama in my life, and for that I am very grateful.
Sometimes when people are spending all their time telling others how wrong/bad/unusual/chaotic they are as they deny, essentially any real solution. They just want compliance, and frankly I'm not in the mood for that. Life is a strange a power thing and perceptions lately are quite strong that I am in a proper place for the growth that I so much am needing. I am doing what is right for me.
I've managed to let go of a lot lately; and Im not even talking about the facts behind this hard necessity. It is though leaving me with a veritable blank canvas to create on, and in some ways that's what we have to look at each day as we wake up and carry our daily routine. A new beginning happening with each canvas, a new possibility for creation...we are a our core all creators.
Myself as an esoteric artist often needs to express, in certain terms, a thing that is a feeling or a flash of a image behind my minds eye, ...much like a expressionist painter/sculptor will do. Only the paints and brushes I use are crystals and tarot cards. I can create any picture through gridding my crystals to form a field to work in, and the cards are philosophies that I must balance against each other, the colors of the rainbow & beyond.
I open my senses and I ask, ....is the answer in me. And it always is.
I felt the pull of a certain feeling from this Winter, ....and one would think that I would feel vulnerable or maybe even weak as I let go of these relationship, and more. I don't though, I feel strong, I kept my power and didn't give into their obvious ignorance. And yes I was at the end of some pretty amazing psychic energy, most of it pretty negative. There was tears, and anger, and even some unsuspecting strangers have been pulled into the gravity.But I am dealing with the drama in my life by removing myself from the vicinity of it's power.
One person even when as far to say "it's easy to avoid judgement when you avoid relationships" ...and I just laugh at their total disregard to their own contribution the the equation, ....the judgement. So I'm pretty clear that I don't need these people in my life. As for my bf and I ....we are trying to remain friends, which still plays out some emotions...emotions both of us are pretty honest about.
I guess there is a point where we just realize there are no more lessons to be learned in a certain school, and must be wise and move to a place where there can be growth.
Seems my growth currently means to be me with myself. And I will find a greater mood from within, and not have to look to others for qualification of my own worth. I know my worth, ...it's others that don't understand it. And that's not their duty to either, ...it's their loss. A loss they are sadly unaware of for the most part due to fact that they are more concerned with being right than anything. I don't need to be right, I need to be safe, and in that Im letting go of that drama, and finding myself as my own hero.
I'd rather be alone right now that be on the end of flaky, and also admittedly fake relationships...fake as in they really are not supportive, ...not to my spirit, or soul at least.
it's nobody fault, Im not looking to blame others. I am walking away though and finding my power. Im not a slave to a relationship just to make it work. I have better things to do, like have my own life. Something I don't think I've ever been able to give myself.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Sometimes, it's not just about what we want
I have this friend; we've been close for over 20years, after starting out as boyfriend/girlfriend we became very good friends. I don't see her often, ...but I see what she does in this world everyday. I see how she puts her own needs aside, I see how she helps those in need, and also teaches others the lessons that she has learned herself. I've often looked to her for answers, ..but sadly, she rarely gives me one. This is not a mistake on her part, but rather a reminder to "keep" my own truth and find the answer for myself. I've never liked that part of our relationship.
What I do like though is the amount of love this person has for the people around her. In my opinion, this girls has been through some pretty scary stuff. Her family to say the least is "colorful" and full of dynamic energy. Her twin brother is a successful musician, and her parents are divorced, but both very much a part of her life and her childrens life as well. Everyone in that family really sticking in to fight for the freedom, honor, and love that they all work for. Im very proud to be a part of her life in the little bits that I get to share.
Recently, her best friends child has been very sick with a super rare form of cancer; a cancer so rare only 4 people, up until now, have been diagnosed, in Canada, with this type of cancer. A blow to the confidence of his parents, Im sure, as they mull about the possibility of burying their child, if he doesn't recover. No parent looks at their life and expects this thing, this couple equally so, I assume.
But that is not what this is about...
My friend, who loves here besty fully, has come to the aid of this family, and organized, planned and hosted a number of "fundraising events"...everything from perogie sales, to garages sales, pub nights, and even haircuts, all to help this family keep their son, and keep their love intact. It's amazing what one person can do when they have the motivation to do it. Im sure my friend doesn't do it all alone, but she has spearheaded this project and made thousands of dollars to help this boy not succumb to his disease. It really gives me hope.
I'd love to say that I have given my support to my friend and offered my assistance in her mission to save this boys life. But, what I haven't told you yet, is that this child is the child of one of my most biggest bullies from grade school into high school. And though that ended 20 years ago, I cannot yet let go of the hurt that person brought me, ..the constant fear this person created in me, the constant hate he threw in my direction, ...causing me literal pain both in my heart and my body, as he would hit and pick on me incessantly.
I can't say that I am smug in any way about what is happening to his child. I cannot say that I would be in forgiveness of his trespassing s in my life either. ...and that is what this is about. Why?
Why, after so many years, cannot I find forgiveness for this man, even as his own son is suffering from cancer? Am I so full of hate and resentment to him that I have become the thing that I never thought possible...the perpetrator of evil. I cannot help but see the Universe working to show him what he can lose through his own evil. (in the past)
It disgusts me that I have these thoughts, these feeling towards a man I have not shared one word with in twenty years. I want to let go of the evil, the hate, the resentment. But, in my life, forgiveness is something that is of a request...not just a idle doing in turn to help the pain go away. How can I forgive those years without this person asking for it. He doesn't care about my forgiveness, I don't expect that on any level...and yet I feel that there is a need for me to let go of all of it.
It's put me into a sense of no comfortableness ...how can I wish this boy who is sick a good life, when I secretly wish his father was in as much pain as his father caused me. This, I believe, may be all a part of me finding compassion in the now. And I do have compassion for the boy and his mother, ...they have done me no wrong. In fact his mother was very kind to me at a party I was at this past holiday season at my friends place. So many conflicting emotions, thoughts, feelings.
Essentially, this situation has nothing to do with me, ...my friend and I don't see each other much, I never see my bully, and this boy, I have never met. So why am I so attached to the past?
I will put it to this...when I graduated in 1993, I became very sick with schizophrenia from two bad hits of LSD. I didn't have the support that this boy had, ...I ended up in a very dark place in life, ...and nobody caught my fall. I had to break out of the shadow, on my own, and fight my way back into the light/life of the Sun. I cannot let go of the past because "I" didn't have the support that this boy has. Im not jealous or even envious of his support. I actually in my own way am routing for everything to be alright in the end. I want this boy to live, and experience the world of JOY. Something I have found myself to be so very very hard to find.
It's not about what happened to me, ...or what happened in my days while i lived in Chilliwack. It's about having compassion and loving frogiveness , ...even in the face of perceived evil. That is my lesson.
What I do like though is the amount of love this person has for the people around her. In my opinion, this girls has been through some pretty scary stuff. Her family to say the least is "colorful" and full of dynamic energy. Her twin brother is a successful musician, and her parents are divorced, but both very much a part of her life and her childrens life as well. Everyone in that family really sticking in to fight for the freedom, honor, and love that they all work for. Im very proud to be a part of her life in the little bits that I get to share.
Recently, her best friends child has been very sick with a super rare form of cancer; a cancer so rare only 4 people, up until now, have been diagnosed, in Canada, with this type of cancer. A blow to the confidence of his parents, Im sure, as they mull about the possibility of burying their child, if he doesn't recover. No parent looks at their life and expects this thing, this couple equally so, I assume.
But that is not what this is about...
My friend, who loves here besty fully, has come to the aid of this family, and organized, planned and hosted a number of "fundraising events"...everything from perogie sales, to garages sales, pub nights, and even haircuts, all to help this family keep their son, and keep their love intact. It's amazing what one person can do when they have the motivation to do it. Im sure my friend doesn't do it all alone, but she has spearheaded this project and made thousands of dollars to help this boy not succumb to his disease. It really gives me hope.
I'd love to say that I have given my support to my friend and offered my assistance in her mission to save this boys life. But, what I haven't told you yet, is that this child is the child of one of my most biggest bullies from grade school into high school. And though that ended 20 years ago, I cannot yet let go of the hurt that person brought me, ..the constant fear this person created in me, the constant hate he threw in my direction, ...causing me literal pain both in my heart and my body, as he would hit and pick on me incessantly.
I can't say that I am smug in any way about what is happening to his child. I cannot say that I would be in forgiveness of his trespassing s in my life either. ...and that is what this is about. Why?
Why, after so many years, cannot I find forgiveness for this man, even as his own son is suffering from cancer? Am I so full of hate and resentment to him that I have become the thing that I never thought possible...the perpetrator of evil. I cannot help but see the Universe working to show him what he can lose through his own evil. (in the past)
It disgusts me that I have these thoughts, these feeling towards a man I have not shared one word with in twenty years. I want to let go of the evil, the hate, the resentment. But, in my life, forgiveness is something that is of a request...not just a idle doing in turn to help the pain go away. How can I forgive those years without this person asking for it. He doesn't care about my forgiveness, I don't expect that on any level...and yet I feel that there is a need for me to let go of all of it.
It's put me into a sense of no comfortableness ...how can I wish this boy who is sick a good life, when I secretly wish his father was in as much pain as his father caused me. This, I believe, may be all a part of me finding compassion in the now. And I do have compassion for the boy and his mother, ...they have done me no wrong. In fact his mother was very kind to me at a party I was at this past holiday season at my friends place. So many conflicting emotions, thoughts, feelings.
Essentially, this situation has nothing to do with me, ...my friend and I don't see each other much, I never see my bully, and this boy, I have never met. So why am I so attached to the past?
I will put it to this...when I graduated in 1993, I became very sick with schizophrenia from two bad hits of LSD. I didn't have the support that this boy had, ...I ended up in a very dark place in life, ...and nobody caught my fall. I had to break out of the shadow, on my own, and fight my way back into the light/life of the Sun. I cannot let go of the past because "I" didn't have the support that this boy has. Im not jealous or even envious of his support. I actually in my own way am routing for everything to be alright in the end. I want this boy to live, and experience the world of JOY. Something I have found myself to be so very very hard to find.
It's not about what happened to me, ...or what happened in my days while i lived in Chilliwack. It's about having compassion and loving frogiveness , ...even in the face of perceived evil. That is my lesson.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Writings and within..
Been a long time since the last entry into this blog, ..I suppose in the last four weeks I have been taking a different road, and a more private one as well. I have started this project and the results are coming by the numbers and quick. This week in the project, I am on "reading deprivation" ...so naturally on day four of the week ahead, ...I turn to my pen by those same numbers, ...I'm much more accustomed to writing anyways.
...I'm not sure what will be happening next week but it's still interesting being cut off from facebook an texting, researching, ...I wanted to look up this rock the other day that was giving me vibes at Amethyst Creations on 4th and Macdonald, ..but had to put it on a list of to do , ..once the reading dep. is done. Images are coming quicker with the new work I'm doing, ..and Im writing everyday for the last month up to 5 pages most of those days , ..and sometimes much more than that, and rarely less. I have been growing and looking within to find answers, and those answers, which I set as goals, ...gently are revealed.
I am hopeful that the continued program in the next 8weeks proves more and more into the well of my creative, as they put it. And even as I traverse these weeks with many faces of family and laughter, ..it's in the quite moments I'm writing that I truly begin to understand more and more, what I am, who I am and what I have come from, ...I worry sometimes, ...but more or less often than not, I a kept inside some feelings of relief and solace: a thing that doesn't always put it's name on my tongue, but when it does, it so healing and positive.
I am moving toward further healing, ...keeping close to myself and finding new areas inside that I have not necessarily been in much contact with. Fears, ..dormant, hidden. Joys, ...equally behind a veil. Both of them in some tidal push towards happiness in the things I do in my life. And I am finding air to breath more and more, ..and those dark thoughts that used to plague me at sleep time while I lie awake, they are gone. And my life is not perfect, and that's just fine, ..because I realize and and recognize that there is a great gift that I have, ...that I have worked to keep safe through-out my entire life.
Maybe I live in a bit of a fantasy about , ...past lives, and star crossed lovers. But I can love still, where some have lost the ability. It's so much a part of me these dreams and images, that I cannot deny their meaning and force. I know that within me there is a place where I am the one that is making creation, just as everyone does. And this reduces no energy or flow to the Universe in turn to that meaning I have found.
I have an entire story of how and why I am here, and it's quite the doozy, ...yet, be still, and remember the powers of Belief. They show so many faces of control, and grace....but when we release what we believe...? What happens?
The powers of Belief can truly raise us up, and cast us aside,...I suppose I have sometimes forgotten my beliefs and gave into some transgression. Some may even look at me as an apologist, but if we cannot be humble enough to accept our responsibilities, and give credit, or accolades if due, where are we going to find honor in ourselves as we look in the mirror. Surely integrity is included in the quest to have balance, and favor and also give room for a current and forthright forgiveness if it is asked of us. Most I have found don't ever even bother to really give a proper apology.
I was watching a you tube video about this professor and his Last Lecture. There were a ton of juicy little tid bits in the video to keep one interested. But one thing was on this video that stuck out to me. and it was about apologies. The exist in three Parts: The first being the "sorry" part and expressing it, ..the second including responsibility for the actions, and thirdly (and this is the important part for me) offering to restitution by some deed or sort of reaction in turn for the transgression. People have forgotten this simple process in their cool needs for ego and pride.
It really is such a shame that apologist are looked down upon by some sorts or intellectuals. They themselves in their cynicism probably sucking the people around them dry as a bone for any water or LIFE. Not saying apologetic natures are the only way to "fix" the problems of the world, little and large, we often forget in our ego and pride that there is certainly always a solution to every obstacle. I have just found that there is little forgiving, because people fail to properly ask for it, often they just remove the actual event from history through denial and worse...sad.
Yet, ...as one, I don't feel any shame. I have apologized to myself for the things that I have done wrong to myself, ...and I have attempted mostly to find balance with the people and things that I have hurt in my past, ..things I loved, and still do somewhere. There were of a lot of heavy to tackle conversations in my life in the past and the presents as well. All coming closer to the thing that is object of desire...Happiness. This is what we are all looking for right? ..Joy, Ecstasy, Compassion, Giving, Gratitude? Non?
Im glad I know what it is that I am wanting for....hopefully one day we all will be able to be on the foundations of the Stars and be connected with something bigger than what we are now. Something that can be in all moments, in Peace and Balance. A guy can dream...
...I'm not sure what will be happening next week but it's still interesting being cut off from facebook an texting, researching, ...I wanted to look up this rock the other day that was giving me vibes at Amethyst Creations on 4th and Macdonald, ..but had to put it on a list of to do , ..once the reading dep. is done. Images are coming quicker with the new work I'm doing, ..and Im writing everyday for the last month up to 5 pages most of those days , ..and sometimes much more than that, and rarely less. I have been growing and looking within to find answers, and those answers, which I set as goals, ...gently are revealed.
I am hopeful that the continued program in the next 8weeks proves more and more into the well of my creative, as they put it. And even as I traverse these weeks with many faces of family and laughter, ..it's in the quite moments I'm writing that I truly begin to understand more and more, what I am, who I am and what I have come from, ...I worry sometimes, ...but more or less often than not, I a kept inside some feelings of relief and solace: a thing that doesn't always put it's name on my tongue, but when it does, it so healing and positive.
I am moving toward further healing, ...keeping close to myself and finding new areas inside that I have not necessarily been in much contact with. Fears, ..dormant, hidden. Joys, ...equally behind a veil. Both of them in some tidal push towards happiness in the things I do in my life. And I am finding air to breath more and more, ..and those dark thoughts that used to plague me at sleep time while I lie awake, they are gone. And my life is not perfect, and that's just fine, ..because I realize and and recognize that there is a great gift that I have, ...that I have worked to keep safe through-out my entire life.
Maybe I live in a bit of a fantasy about , ...past lives, and star crossed lovers. But I can love still, where some have lost the ability. It's so much a part of me these dreams and images, that I cannot deny their meaning and force. I know that within me there is a place where I am the one that is making creation, just as everyone does. And this reduces no energy or flow to the Universe in turn to that meaning I have found.
I have an entire story of how and why I am here, and it's quite the doozy, ...yet, be still, and remember the powers of Belief. They show so many faces of control, and grace....but when we release what we believe...? What happens?
The powers of Belief can truly raise us up, and cast us aside,...I suppose I have sometimes forgotten my beliefs and gave into some transgression. Some may even look at me as an apologist, but if we cannot be humble enough to accept our responsibilities, and give credit, or accolades if due, where are we going to find honor in ourselves as we look in the mirror. Surely integrity is included in the quest to have balance, and favor and also give room for a current and forthright forgiveness if it is asked of us. Most I have found don't ever even bother to really give a proper apology.
I was watching a you tube video about this professor and his Last Lecture. There were a ton of juicy little tid bits in the video to keep one interested. But one thing was on this video that stuck out to me. and it was about apologies. The exist in three Parts: The first being the "sorry" part and expressing it, ..the second including responsibility for the actions, and thirdly (and this is the important part for me) offering to restitution by some deed or sort of reaction in turn for the transgression. People have forgotten this simple process in their cool needs for ego and pride.
It really is such a shame that apologist are looked down upon by some sorts or intellectuals. They themselves in their cynicism probably sucking the people around them dry as a bone for any water or LIFE. Not saying apologetic natures are the only way to "fix" the problems of the world, little and large, we often forget in our ego and pride that there is certainly always a solution to every obstacle. I have just found that there is little forgiving, because people fail to properly ask for it, often they just remove the actual event from history through denial and worse...sad.
Yet, ...as one, I don't feel any shame. I have apologized to myself for the things that I have done wrong to myself, ...and I have attempted mostly to find balance with the people and things that I have hurt in my past, ..things I loved, and still do somewhere. There were of a lot of heavy to tackle conversations in my life in the past and the presents as well. All coming closer to the thing that is object of desire...Happiness. This is what we are all looking for right? ..Joy, Ecstasy, Compassion, Giving, Gratitude? Non?
Im glad I know what it is that I am wanting for....hopefully one day we all will be able to be on the foundations of the Stars and be connected with something bigger than what we are now. Something that can be in all moments, in Peace and Balance. A guy can dream...
Sunday, April 21, 2013
We learn through error.
Im certain there's a better way to be happy than just serving the higher intentions? .........or is there? lately, somebody (me) seems to be the one dropping the ball in some peoples eyes, it's hard to excite the things I look up to with respect, maybe they are just tired those things. so much Work ahead, with only my inside voice as the real teacher. I see a lot of cool stares...oh wait, that's a mirror.
Why am I failing in these people eyes? (including my own)
I feel the draw of energy, ..I feel the pull of gravity, and knowing inside heart. Yet, somehow that feeling of belonging doesn't always make a lot of sense inside my brain. I see disconnection in myself, even when there is knowledge of Unity inter laced between my fractured waves of thought.
I know where I'm supposed to be,...Im there some moments. I feel a sense of urgency, ..but have fumbled so greatly that I can hardly begin without feeling the emotions of fear grow. How do we really grow past fear?...I mean, it's so impressed in our daily lives, how do we escape it forever? Maybe we need to face those fears, ...hopefully identify and eventually control it. But methods to means are not always clear, and when they are clear, it seems that there is things in my life that draw me away from my source. I don't want that, but there it is.
I try to be patient, and kind, and tolerate this place, and myself. But honestly, there's a part of me that is so done, and over the drama of living, the constant struggle for sustenance, and food for our souls, minds, bodies. Are we ever truly fed? Will we as a society every truly be "earth quenched ineffably into eternity?"
or will we Die? leaving cities and countrysides bare of humanity, to grow into disrepair and neglect like the weakest in our ranks? When do we find it, that thing, that changes us? ...And when we find it...I want us to be able to hold it, and be in being with it. Not to just be a moving body of light, on a body of light, in a body of light, moving to a body of light.. but a acquisition of force and conscious fixed thought. When will we build this as our strength, and not weapons/devices of fear/war/hate...?
We really all need to be working together, and sometimes I see it, ...mixing energies, finding solution and dissolution of negativity, I want to have it everyday ...every moment, ...but it's all it flux, ..man.....drives me to insanity to always be the bending reed, the passive, the tolerant, the patient, the kind. And know, in my deepest sense, that those things that I live and breathe, and foster...
...well, not everyone thinks like that...many are rigid, with no yielding, or care. Caught in their own senses, with little empathy, and boundless benevolence, seeking nothing but gratification. They force, and push, and pull away in ego, leaving often with no dignity or reason to anger. Again tripped out on the sensation of their wanting, obsession, and avarice. Leaving everything upturned in their effort to satisfy their needs.
I have often compromised my basic needs for others, in an effort to "get along" and "respect". But truly what respect is there in denying oneself the voice to find those things that are important to ones soul. I am grateful for my gifts, but I do not use them to the potential that would be necessary for any moment of peace. I am sad to say that conflict seems to be a parasite to my growing. Secretly I think there is a part of me that knows what will happen if I achieve the things of my dreams. Maybe it's that I will have to make new ones...and imagine a whole new space of existence.
I wish we all could all dream big , ....get it together. So close, inside the distance, between hearts; I will find the love I seek when it is the right time. Until then, as my besty would say ... nonnegotiable self care. For me ..that means, ..meditation, writing, exercise, wellness, healthy diet and work ahead in the schedule. There is no other choice than to forge forward, turning back is not an option. ...thankfully.
Im not afraid to fail anymore, and not so thankfully, failures can be burdensome; especially when they occur in communication, these points need to be admonished and forgiven. Truly the path to enlightenment begins with forgiving the past transgressions of self, not just the ones of others. When we find out selves worthy, we can do this...
I
Why am I failing in these people eyes? (including my own)
I feel the draw of energy, ..I feel the pull of gravity, and knowing inside heart. Yet, somehow that feeling of belonging doesn't always make a lot of sense inside my brain. I see disconnection in myself, even when there is knowledge of Unity inter laced between my fractured waves of thought.
I know where I'm supposed to be,...Im there some moments. I feel a sense of urgency, ..but have fumbled so greatly that I can hardly begin without feeling the emotions of fear grow. How do we really grow past fear?...I mean, it's so impressed in our daily lives, how do we escape it forever? Maybe we need to face those fears, ...hopefully identify and eventually control it. But methods to means are not always clear, and when they are clear, it seems that there is things in my life that draw me away from my source. I don't want that, but there it is.
I try to be patient, and kind, and tolerate this place, and myself. But honestly, there's a part of me that is so done, and over the drama of living, the constant struggle for sustenance, and food for our souls, minds, bodies. Are we ever truly fed? Will we as a society every truly be "earth quenched ineffably into eternity?"
or will we Die? leaving cities and countrysides bare of humanity, to grow into disrepair and neglect like the weakest in our ranks? When do we find it, that thing, that changes us? ...And when we find it...I want us to be able to hold it, and be in being with it. Not to just be a moving body of light, on a body of light, in a body of light, moving to a body of light.. but a acquisition of force and conscious fixed thought. When will we build this as our strength, and not weapons/devices of fear/war/hate...?
We really all need to be working together, and sometimes I see it, ...mixing energies, finding solution and dissolution of negativity, I want to have it everyday ...every moment, ...but it's all it flux, ..man.....drives me to insanity to always be the bending reed, the passive, the tolerant, the patient, the kind. And know, in my deepest sense, that those things that I live and breathe, and foster...
...well, not everyone thinks like that...many are rigid, with no yielding, or care. Caught in their own senses, with little empathy, and boundless benevolence, seeking nothing but gratification. They force, and push, and pull away in ego, leaving often with no dignity or reason to anger. Again tripped out on the sensation of their wanting, obsession, and avarice. Leaving everything upturned in their effort to satisfy their needs.
I have often compromised my basic needs for others, in an effort to "get along" and "respect". But truly what respect is there in denying oneself the voice to find those things that are important to ones soul. I am grateful for my gifts, but I do not use them to the potential that would be necessary for any moment of peace. I am sad to say that conflict seems to be a parasite to my growing. Secretly I think there is a part of me that knows what will happen if I achieve the things of my dreams. Maybe it's that I will have to make new ones...and imagine a whole new space of existence.
I wish we all could all dream big , ....get it together. So close, inside the distance, between hearts; I will find the love I seek when it is the right time. Until then, as my besty would say ... nonnegotiable self care. For me ..that means, ..meditation, writing, exercise, wellness, healthy diet and work ahead in the schedule. There is no other choice than to forge forward, turning back is not an option. ...thankfully.
Im not afraid to fail anymore, and not so thankfully, failures can be burdensome; especially when they occur in communication, these points need to be admonished and forgiven. Truly the path to enlightenment begins with forgiving the past transgressions of self, not just the ones of others. When we find out selves worthy, we can do this...
I
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