As many of you know, I am a practiced Tarot Reader. I have a lot invested into the fine art of interpreting the cards, on several public and not so public levels. I started reading when I was quite young and found quickly that the cards do much much more than just tell the future, The cards have a way of showing us what is not only around us in our energy ...but what our multiple options are. I've been always able to help others with their struggles in love, or money, or family, or home with my art. I found a way to work it into my life pattern. A gift I hope I can share throughout my whole life.
Naturally, with working with the cards, other things fell into place as well. Practicing Meditation, and studying Symblism is when things really started... But, before that, there was a secret, untapped and undeveloped. I found out this summer from my Auntie, that two of my Grandmothers on my Fathers Mothers side had had visions during their life time...I believe I remember it skipping a generation. My Grandmother and her Grandmother...yes, that is what I remember. My Great Great Grandmother was from the Caribbean.
Needless to say, I have this gift, from those women. And with today's modern tolerance of these gifts I am able to practice and continue to help others with it. Recently I met a new client, through a family member in regards to my art, and made arrangements for a phone consultation, one hour long over long distance from Arizona. Now I'm not going to use her name or talk about the details of her reading, but what I will tell you about is how I changed her view of the situation.
After a short period of time after her reading, "Grace" (we will call her) had completely turned her situation around. She had been able to see through the problems that were troubling her, she had found the answer she had been looking for. She was feeling energized at work, and finding success in the world where before she could not.
Now I don't take credit for any of that, for certain Grace did the work that she needed to do to find the ultimate change she was seeking. At the same time though, I was a "door" for Grace to go through in finding this new energy, this new attitude, this new idea of life in her. I was able to, with over 2300km between us, penetrate into her story with the cards, and find in one hour, an option that she had not considered.
The option(s) I found in the reading brought her to clarity of the situation and she requested another reading with me for another one hour session. This time I could see clearly what she was talking about....I could see how fully she had turned her life around to the positive. All through one phone call, to a stranger, she had never spoken to ever in her life.
I don't know about the rest of you, ...but I have very large experience with magick like this in my regular dealings. I, on a regular basis, help others find the very thing that they are missing, and most of the time, ..I only need three things. the cards, a channel, and a voice. It doesn't always help me in a big big way, and that is not the point. The point is even in this world of contending forces pitted against one another, there is always an answer somewhere to found.
For some people it's as easy as making a long distance phone call, for others it can be a life long journey to learn one simple lesson. We are not all fated to find the answers we seek by sending money via post. And that's a good thing, I believe, for if we all had the answers ...what would be left to seek?
The other day I overheard a couple talking on the bus, ...the male of the two said that life is about one thing "experience". I have no doubt in my head that he was speaking truth and wisdom in the same breath. A rare occasion comes when we can do both and not forget our higher purpose.
My higher purpose? ...to continue being that door to the Unknown, to provide for those in need an answer towards a divine ends. To not back down from the gifts that are my birth rite; and to stand apart from the masses that would force irrational ideals onto us.
Freedom is not without structure, and freedom is subjective to whom it is lived by. Don't forget your own when times get dark, remember always your roots and what you are at the core. Forget about the betrayals of common politics and social obligation, they are liars and the thieves of respect. Truly find that place where you can be who you want to be, (whatever it is) ...and you will be free. The rest is in the rear-veiw....it can be behind you now.
I maybe not rich with dollars ...but I have wealth in spirit. I may lack some faith in some corners,.. but I have more love than most can handle. I may believe in the story that world that is spiraling downward, but I have hope that somehow we will not fail, regardless of our human faults. All we can do at the end of the day is be thankful when we wake up the next morning. Truly breath is a blessing.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
What we leave behind doesn't die..
In all our lives we come to the certain clue that not everything can we take with us into the future. And we decide to eventually, to leave things behind and forget them, regardless of the state of the process it is in. We leave behind hats in train stations, ...and lovers, and friends, and even our enemies. We choose to move on and leave behind those things which don't serve us.
And still though, ..those things we leave behind, whatever they are, ...they don't die, ..they don't just magickally find themselves somewhere without need, ...those hats we leave behind are picked up and brought on journeys outside of our dimension. The lovers that we leave behind, go out, and forget themselves and find other people to love and laugh with, even marry and grow old with. The friends we forget, they find other people to rely on, and to look to for support, and our enemies ..well, they will always be in their respective place doing what they do best...
These pieces of our lives grow and change outside of our sight and control. And we have to be aware of this...because it's our karma in these events and people, ...it is who/what we are. Or rather where we are from...what you forget will come back to remind you of your life.
Recently my ex husband from 1998 contacted me. He started by poking me on face book ...and I with an open heart thought he was trying to reconnect, regardless of his new relationship ( I think they are married). He brought up the fact that he had just found out that a common friend of ours had died. A friend that died years ago now. I was irked that he was that out of touch , ...but let it slide.
The email s continued, and to my total disbelief he revealed eventually that he was seeking an apology from me. After telling me that I was a horrid person to him and that he doesn't respect me, that I owe him an apology, ..that I had never offered one.
Now in my world, apologies are for the weak, people who regret and rescind their very actions in the world. I essentially told him he could go stick where the Sun don't shine, but with much different words.
He comes back that he wants peace in his house...I dunno, ..I kind of lost track at this point. But he was trying to be nice, ..so I did the right thing and made the apology that he so desperately was seeking. This is over 10 years after the fact. we separated in 98...
Holding onto this subject for so long...both of us had our soft raw spots. He suggested that I may want an apology for what he did in his reactions to my actions. I told him ...I didn't ever need an apology. I know what happened by my own account. I did my best to protect people from the events that happened back then.. And frankly it seems Im the only one that is still suffering still from those days. He's married and move and living with prayer and faith in his wonderful life. Our mutual friend whom which took his side all those years ago ...she's living it large traveling the West Coast preforming sacred Art and dancing the woman song for all her sisters.
The circle of friends that tore us apart, ...well, I have no idea what happened to them, ..one of them came into a lot of money and was found lip locked with a 7 year old a couple years later, ..not good. Another one, last I heard was in a mental hospital, and they were not going to let her out. ...like ever.
I thought I had a good life, ...Ive done some good things lately. I admit my mistakes. Im honest to the people in my life. I may not always get the point, but I still try regardless. I don't want to believe Im a bad person. (who does)
The thing is ...I left all this behind me. I moved on, I pushed forward and left behind, my ex husband, his best friend and the others that were involved with the thing s that happened back then. I took the high road and carried on alone, as it was written for me.
I ended up in the hospital shortly after my ex's and mine separation...I was very sick. I was in the hospital for a week, ...when I got out. I had to move into my brothers flat so I wouldn't be on the street. His roomate and his friends bullied me incredulously. My brother was flown to Queen Charlette Islands to work with my mom. I didn't have my husband, ...my best friend was gone too. The one person, my brother, who I could still trust abandoned me in my hour of darkness. I was alone, in a psychotic episode, penny-less, and with a cat and kittens. One of the guys the roomate let stay at the house was a homophobe, and used to threaten to beat me if I came out of my room, and would stand over top of me as if he was going to beat me too. This one fellow was so abusive to my cat that she would relieve herself on my while I slept. poor cat, I ended up haveing to give here away. I couldn't take care of her.
I had put it all behind me, ...and then the ex shows up and he's not done. He's ready for another round, ...only it's 10 years later. WTF am I supposed to do? ...
A true apology consists of three parts, ...the apology itself, ...then the acceptance of blame, and of course recourse (what I am going to do to make it better). But after 10 years how can I possibly come back with an apology of true Nature. My ex isn't in my life, ...none of the people I was around are in my life anymore, that life is gone, and Im glad. How am I supposed to make it better? ...really?
I sent my apology to my ex. I hope he stops emailing me. Ive had so much happen to me inside lately, ..it's like Im going through this test, but I don't know the answers and there's this big ticking bomb that's timing away tic tic tic. I don't know if bomb really or if it's just a stopwatch. But I don't have the answers, if I did I would be happy, and would not have had to throw away that life I had with those people and places.
I forgave everyone a long time ago, without their apology. Fortunately, I was brought up with the value that forgiveness happens within, not because we are asked to. I don't know where I learned that, ...but I've written it down now.
Why does this have to happen now?...when Im hardly keeping my head out of the dirt. ...when Im chasing shadows and skimming the surface like some bug. I really am sitting here, like I have been sitting here all day. wondering ...WTF just happened? ....Why now? ...Why this moment? ...I can hardly breath in this exact second because the anxiety is too much, my chest is tight and honestly, I want to just disappear and never be found.
This entry has little form , ...and maybe not a subject necessarily.
I guess deep down when I put those parts of my life in a box and then put that box in the back of my mind, I was hoping others would as well. I just want to have a life I can be proud of. It seems though that the people from my past will have no hand in making that happen. I feel like right now shame is easier than anything, because others think I should be. I don't want to feel like that, ..but there it is on cue with their uprising texting statements. Why should I be proud when everyone else looks at me as damaged goods or dirty or shameless or whatever.
I don't care about what other people think at all, ...but when they start stirring the ghost s of the past, ...it come alive with active processes. Am I ever going to be free of all this pain?...my instincts tell me "no, you get to live with it the rest of your natural life. Enjoy your own doing"
People like my ex, and the others that left me to fend for myself all those years ago, I forgave them. I didn't hold them responsible for their mistakes, and so now I am left with what's left. my broken ego, my empty days, and empty heart. And still I have to be the "right guy" anyways and give them what they want regardless of the pain Im still in. Still reliving those abandonment's over and over.
Why am I this person? What is my purpose here? I may not have complete answers for these questions...but I am seeking them through these writings.
Light provide me with the strength to put this pain away into the past, so that I may grow and flourish. I fear without that exact process I will never be free. And people like this will be coming back over and over and over for the rest of my life. There's no way out of ones life, it is what it is, and all of us have to live with our mistakes. Eventually , ..in time, ...they fade. For the record of Stew ...it takes more than ten years.
this didn't really help much for me...but maybe it will help you.
And still though, ..those things we leave behind, whatever they are, ...they don't die, ..they don't just magickally find themselves somewhere without need, ...those hats we leave behind are picked up and brought on journeys outside of our dimension. The lovers that we leave behind, go out, and forget themselves and find other people to love and laugh with, even marry and grow old with. The friends we forget, they find other people to rely on, and to look to for support, and our enemies ..well, they will always be in their respective place doing what they do best...
These pieces of our lives grow and change outside of our sight and control. And we have to be aware of this...because it's our karma in these events and people, ...it is who/what we are. Or rather where we are from...what you forget will come back to remind you of your life.
Recently my ex husband from 1998 contacted me. He started by poking me on face book ...and I with an open heart thought he was trying to reconnect, regardless of his new relationship ( I think they are married). He brought up the fact that he had just found out that a common friend of ours had died. A friend that died years ago now. I was irked that he was that out of touch , ...but let it slide.
The email s continued, and to my total disbelief he revealed eventually that he was seeking an apology from me. After telling me that I was a horrid person to him and that he doesn't respect me, that I owe him an apology, ..that I had never offered one.
Now in my world, apologies are for the weak, people who regret and rescind their very actions in the world. I essentially told him he could go stick where the Sun don't shine, but with much different words.
He comes back that he wants peace in his house...I dunno, ..I kind of lost track at this point. But he was trying to be nice, ..so I did the right thing and made the apology that he so desperately was seeking. This is over 10 years after the fact. we separated in 98...
Holding onto this subject for so long...both of us had our soft raw spots. He suggested that I may want an apology for what he did in his reactions to my actions. I told him ...I didn't ever need an apology. I know what happened by my own account. I did my best to protect people from the events that happened back then.. And frankly it seems Im the only one that is still suffering still from those days. He's married and move and living with prayer and faith in his wonderful life. Our mutual friend whom which took his side all those years ago ...she's living it large traveling the West Coast preforming sacred Art and dancing the woman song for all her sisters.
The circle of friends that tore us apart, ...well, I have no idea what happened to them, ..one of them came into a lot of money and was found lip locked with a 7 year old a couple years later, ..not good. Another one, last I heard was in a mental hospital, and they were not going to let her out. ...like ever.
I thought I had a good life, ...Ive done some good things lately. I admit my mistakes. Im honest to the people in my life. I may not always get the point, but I still try regardless. I don't want to believe Im a bad person. (who does)
The thing is ...I left all this behind me. I moved on, I pushed forward and left behind, my ex husband, his best friend and the others that were involved with the thing s that happened back then. I took the high road and carried on alone, as it was written for me.
I ended up in the hospital shortly after my ex's and mine separation...I was very sick. I was in the hospital for a week, ...when I got out. I had to move into my brothers flat so I wouldn't be on the street. His roomate and his friends bullied me incredulously. My brother was flown to Queen Charlette Islands to work with my mom. I didn't have my husband, ...my best friend was gone too. The one person, my brother, who I could still trust abandoned me in my hour of darkness. I was alone, in a psychotic episode, penny-less, and with a cat and kittens. One of the guys the roomate let stay at the house was a homophobe, and used to threaten to beat me if I came out of my room, and would stand over top of me as if he was going to beat me too. This one fellow was so abusive to my cat that she would relieve herself on my while I slept. poor cat, I ended up haveing to give here away. I couldn't take care of her.
I had put it all behind me, ...and then the ex shows up and he's not done. He's ready for another round, ...only it's 10 years later. WTF am I supposed to do? ...
A true apology consists of three parts, ...the apology itself, ...then the acceptance of blame, and of course recourse (what I am going to do to make it better). But after 10 years how can I possibly come back with an apology of true Nature. My ex isn't in my life, ...none of the people I was around are in my life anymore, that life is gone, and Im glad. How am I supposed to make it better? ...really?
I sent my apology to my ex. I hope he stops emailing me. Ive had so much happen to me inside lately, ..it's like Im going through this test, but I don't know the answers and there's this big ticking bomb that's timing away tic tic tic. I don't know if bomb really or if it's just a stopwatch. But I don't have the answers, if I did I would be happy, and would not have had to throw away that life I had with those people and places.
I forgave everyone a long time ago, without their apology. Fortunately, I was brought up with the value that forgiveness happens within, not because we are asked to. I don't know where I learned that, ...but I've written it down now.
Why does this have to happen now?...when Im hardly keeping my head out of the dirt. ...when Im chasing shadows and skimming the surface like some bug. I really am sitting here, like I have been sitting here all day. wondering ...WTF just happened? ....Why now? ...Why this moment? ...I can hardly breath in this exact second because the anxiety is too much, my chest is tight and honestly, I want to just disappear and never be found.
This entry has little form , ...and maybe not a subject necessarily.
I guess deep down when I put those parts of my life in a box and then put that box in the back of my mind, I was hoping others would as well. I just want to have a life I can be proud of. It seems though that the people from my past will have no hand in making that happen. I feel like right now shame is easier than anything, because others think I should be. I don't want to feel like that, ..but there it is on cue with their uprising texting statements. Why should I be proud when everyone else looks at me as damaged goods or dirty or shameless or whatever.
I don't care about what other people think at all, ...but when they start stirring the ghost s of the past, ...it come alive with active processes. Am I ever going to be free of all this pain?...my instincts tell me "no, you get to live with it the rest of your natural life. Enjoy your own doing"
People like my ex, and the others that left me to fend for myself all those years ago, I forgave them. I didn't hold them responsible for their mistakes, and so now I am left with what's left. my broken ego, my empty days, and empty heart. And still I have to be the "right guy" anyways and give them what they want regardless of the pain Im still in. Still reliving those abandonment's over and over.
Why am I this person? What is my purpose here? I may not have complete answers for these questions...but I am seeking them through these writings.
Light provide me with the strength to put this pain away into the past, so that I may grow and flourish. I fear without that exact process I will never be free. And people like this will be coming back over and over and over for the rest of my life. There's no way out of ones life, it is what it is, and all of us have to live with our mistakes. Eventually , ..in time, ...they fade. For the record of Stew ...it takes more than ten years.
this didn't really help much for me...but maybe it will help you.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Choosing when love has served its purpose..
Love will save all in it's divine Nature, and hold us warm in the bosom of life will it not? We are taught in spiritual circles to find your bliss, find the LOVE. Some call it AGAPE: Love Transcending The Universe; some feel it, in there bellies, I feel in my chest. We all want love to be safe and worthy of trust.
Mostly what brings us away from love, is abuse. and as we grow older sometimes these abuses lead to more abuse. A wide variety of abuse programs to follow, some directed outward, some directed in on ones own self out of pure desperation to hold onto that starved ego. As long as abuse continues we rarely find our divine self.
Often, maybe usually, we find that these abuses are directed at ourselves from others, and we must walk away, or "get along", to save face, not only for ourselves ...but our families, including the family we can often choose for ourselves.
After all is said and done, we have at all times been guilty of some abuse or another, as a general statement. We can argue levels of abuse by frequency, or vulgarity. We can weigh and measure the spaces between moderation and excess, and recreational and obsessive. It must be said, that at the end of each day, these measurements tell no tale of how to solve their dooming nature.
Brought up in a world of Material Gain and Position, rather than on Knowledge and Love. And certainly we have all touched love on some level, whether it was a large experience..like one from a old close parent, or husbands and wives, lovers, pets. Some of us are sensitive to feel love from plants..(that's another story)...love can be small and effective as well, like holding the door a couple seconds as the next person coming through begins his 3 seconds holding the door open. There is love in that, ..it isn't going to change the world overnight but it shows that there was forethought.
We can all find purpose for our love as well. With purpose, and righteousness as well. We feel it's our birthright to have love in our lives, we are encouraged to find it on so many different levels, I bet we don't even notice how many time a day we are tempted with the thought of love, ..and the possibility that that love may hold for this ever changing now into the future.
And we are blinded by it...love your lover, love your children, love your things, love yourself, love with passion!
But are we taught to love? ...really? I mean we all find information on love in our days of trial and err on Planet Earth. And still I find we are not taught how to define love, for ourselves namely, and secondly to the others. the ones sharing this bounty.
Maybe abuse takes us away from love, maybe love is not taught in the depth it needs to be; Perhaps, somewhere there is an answer to untie the two in my ego. We all need the tools to do this, there is a path towards a solution. And that is where the faith lies. In believing in that path away from abuse, the path away from starved souls.
Finding love is not going to be any true task to find, ...truth is there is love in everything, and there is more light than shadow, we will always have the end of the tunnel to find our way out.
And don't be afraid to let go of love from time to time. It will always follow you secretly without you noticing. It will find you in your darkest thoughts and try to give you the sight to see beyond micro-existence. It will force you to reconsider your dark side behaviors of abuse. It's abuse that is keeping us from love.
Mostly what brings us away from love, is abuse. and as we grow older sometimes these abuses lead to more abuse. A wide variety of abuse programs to follow, some directed outward, some directed in on ones own self out of pure desperation to hold onto that starved ego. As long as abuse continues we rarely find our divine self.
Often, maybe usually, we find that these abuses are directed at ourselves from others, and we must walk away, or "get along", to save face, not only for ourselves ...but our families, including the family we can often choose for ourselves.
After all is said and done, we have at all times been guilty of some abuse or another, as a general statement. We can argue levels of abuse by frequency, or vulgarity. We can weigh and measure the spaces between moderation and excess, and recreational and obsessive. It must be said, that at the end of each day, these measurements tell no tale of how to solve their dooming nature.
Brought up in a world of Material Gain and Position, rather than on Knowledge and Love. And certainly we have all touched love on some level, whether it was a large experience..like one from a old close parent, or husbands and wives, lovers, pets. Some of us are sensitive to feel love from plants..(that's another story)...love can be small and effective as well, like holding the door a couple seconds as the next person coming through begins his 3 seconds holding the door open. There is love in that, ..it isn't going to change the world overnight but it shows that there was forethought.
We can all find purpose for our love as well. With purpose, and righteousness as well. We feel it's our birthright to have love in our lives, we are encouraged to find it on so many different levels, I bet we don't even notice how many time a day we are tempted with the thought of love, ..and the possibility that that love may hold for this ever changing now into the future.
And we are blinded by it...love your lover, love your children, love your things, love yourself, love with passion!
But are we taught to love? ...really? I mean we all find information on love in our days of trial and err on Planet Earth. And still I find we are not taught how to define love, for ourselves namely, and secondly to the others. the ones sharing this bounty.
Maybe abuse takes us away from love, maybe love is not taught in the depth it needs to be; Perhaps, somewhere there is an answer to untie the two in my ego. We all need the tools to do this, there is a path towards a solution. And that is where the faith lies. In believing in that path away from abuse, the path away from starved souls.
Finding love is not going to be any true task to find, ...truth is there is love in everything, and there is more light than shadow, we will always have the end of the tunnel to find our way out.
And don't be afraid to let go of love from time to time. It will always follow you secretly without you noticing. It will find you in your darkest thoughts and try to give you the sight to see beyond micro-existence. It will force you to reconsider your dark side behaviors of abuse. It's abuse that is keeping us from love.
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