I have this friend; we've been close for over 20years, after starting out as boyfriend/girlfriend we became very good friends. I don't see her often, ...but I see what she does in this world everyday. I see how she puts her own needs aside, I see how she helps those in need, and also teaches others the lessons that she has learned herself. I've often looked to her for answers, ..but sadly, she rarely gives me one. This is not a mistake on her part, but rather a reminder to "keep" my own truth and find the answer for myself. I've never liked that part of our relationship.
What I do like though is the amount of love this person has for the people around her. In my opinion, this girls has been through some pretty scary stuff. Her family to say the least is "colorful" and full of dynamic energy. Her twin brother is a successful musician, and her parents are divorced, but both very much a part of her life and her childrens life as well. Everyone in that family really sticking in to fight for the freedom, honor, and love that they all work for. Im very proud to be a part of her life in the little bits that I get to share.
Recently, her best friends child has been very sick with a super rare form of cancer; a cancer so rare only 4 people, up until now, have been diagnosed, in Canada, with this type of cancer. A blow to the confidence of his parents, Im sure, as they mull about the possibility of burying their child, if he doesn't recover. No parent looks at their life and expects this thing, this couple equally so, I assume.
But that is not what this is about...
My friend, who loves here besty fully, has come to the aid of this family, and organized, planned and hosted a number of "fundraising events"...everything from perogie sales, to garages sales, pub nights, and even haircuts, all to help this family keep their son, and keep their love intact. It's amazing what one person can do when they have the motivation to do it. Im sure my friend doesn't do it all alone, but she has spearheaded this project and made thousands of dollars to help this boy not succumb to his disease. It really gives me hope.
I'd love to say that I have given my support to my friend and offered my assistance in her mission to save this boys life. But, what I haven't told you yet, is that this child is the child of one of my most biggest bullies from grade school into high school. And though that ended 20 years ago, I cannot yet let go of the hurt that person brought me, ..the constant fear this person created in me, the constant hate he threw in my direction, ...causing me literal pain both in my heart and my body, as he would hit and pick on me incessantly.
I can't say that I am smug in any way about what is happening to his child. I cannot say that I would be in forgiveness of his trespassing s in my life either. ...and that is what this is about. Why?
Why, after so many years, cannot I find forgiveness for this man, even as his own son is suffering from cancer? Am I so full of hate and resentment to him that I have become the thing that I never thought possible...the perpetrator of evil. I cannot help but see the Universe working to show him what he can lose through his own evil. (in the past)
It disgusts me that I have these thoughts, these feeling towards a man I have not shared one word with in twenty years. I want to let go of the evil, the hate, the resentment. But, in my life, forgiveness is something that is of a request...not just a idle doing in turn to help the pain go away. How can I forgive those years without this person asking for it. He doesn't care about my forgiveness, I don't expect that on any level...and yet I feel that there is a need for me to let go of all of it.
It's put me into a sense of no comfortableness ...how can I wish this boy who is sick a good life, when I secretly wish his father was in as much pain as his father caused me. This, I believe, may be all a part of me finding compassion in the now. And I do have compassion for the boy and his mother, ...they have done me no wrong. In fact his mother was very kind to me at a party I was at this past holiday season at my friends place. So many conflicting emotions, thoughts, feelings.
Essentially, this situation has nothing to do with me, ...my friend and I don't see each other much, I never see my bully, and this boy, I have never met. So why am I so attached to the past?
I will put it to this...when I graduated in 1993, I became very sick with schizophrenia from two bad hits of LSD. I didn't have the support that this boy had, ...I ended up in a very dark place in life, ...and nobody caught my fall. I had to break out of the shadow, on my own, and fight my way back into the light/life of the Sun. I cannot let go of the past because "I" didn't have the support that this boy has. Im not jealous or even envious of his support. I actually in my own way am routing for everything to be alright in the end. I want this boy to live, and experience the world of JOY. Something I have found myself to be so very very hard to find.
It's not about what happened to me, ...or what happened in my days while i lived in Chilliwack. It's about having compassion and loving frogiveness , ...even in the face of perceived evil. That is my lesson.
