Why am I really here?

It's been a little while since I wrote here.  I have felt the need to say less in the face of the all the obstacles I have come through.  What really gets fixed anyway  with a small collection of paragraphs, that may or may not even reach the eyes of understanding.  Here it is though, my attempt to make sense of all of the happenings around me.  I wish that sense finds it way to me, and this feeling that I have made the wrong decision in my life and my work in life, ..professional and spiritual alike.

I have been told by more than one person that I have a spiritually evolved way about me.  I have been told by even more people,  how much I have contributed to their lives, and enriched it with my energy.  Sometimes strangers I don't even know, they pick up on this energy, and are attracted to it...they don't know why.  I do though...

I've tried my best to be a good person, but as humanity goes there is always the break from reality where some hidden part of a person can emerge and reek havoc on the world.  Usually driven by fear, hate these moments, though often fleeting, can have a lasting effect.  People want to care, they want to love, they want to share, I truly believe they want to do good.  And still many make the decision to choose darkness, to choose to complain about their lot, rather than let it go and enjoy the ride.  I want to do this.  I don't want to be that "guy".

I have found that I complain less lately, ..but that in return, there are no rewards.  I have learned that being "good", or "just", or "fair", is not really the goal of the masses.  They care only of the things right in front of them, and what others have to offer, .....and more and more less about what they can offer to the world.  How sick I feel when I see these people around me.

Im a giver, ....it's true.  I've tried to take care of the people around me as best I can.  I've tried to support the people I love and hold close....but what do I get in return? ..how trite is that? ...To actually believe there is a reward for goodness is a lie.  There are no rewards ...there is only work.  That's what it feels like to me.  No matter how much I give there is still not the same in return.  Am I selfish for wanting something in return for my support.  Other than a empty thank-you, ..that is more just manners than actual gratitude.

Ive had to say no to things that actually made me happy, because they vamp my energy and time.   I volunteer my time, my energy, my heart, my money, even my family (when they can) to help others in their quest for happiness and fulfillment.  To serve a higher purpose...that's who I am, and that's who I want to be. 

Over the past six months though I have felt as if I have poured myself out to the world, and the things in it.  My friends, my lover, my work, my family...I give to them as much as I can.  But the more I give the more others have to take.  I just wonder when all this caring and support I am giving is going to pay off. 

Most mornings I wake up and I feel low and worthless.  Why?  I don't want that...yet, there it is.  This incredible emptiness, and longing for something of greater worth and status.  I want to be in the light, I want to be the righteous and the grateful, I truly do.

Something inside me wants to cower away from the world and the people and things in it and only rely on myself...leave them behind and put the drama aside.  Leave the now, and go somewhere where it doesn't matter that I have so much to give, or that others have just as much to give as I do.  Or that they have what they need to get through any storm they come across ...like me. 

I've been through many storms, and still seem carry on in hope of a sunny day.  I have this "faith" inside me that carries on ....Why? (when it's clear others have more to take than give)

I don't know where this post is going actually....  as the title says.  "why am I really here"? ...the truth is ...I don't really know.  I thought it was to love and live, and laugh and be within liberty.  But those things don't make me happy.  Love is an incredible amount of work, life even more work...laughing is so much a receding thing.  I want to laugh, but am too aware of all the hate, and users.  And then sometimes , ..if I don't laugh I will just cry.  Being within liberty is a joke, ...for we are all prisoners here, whether we think so or not.

So I am left without a purpose ...a way to happiness, and fulfillment.  Just sentenced to live life in the service of spirit, with no reward or release.   Seems so empty and meaningless to tire and work towards something that really isn't necessarily real, ...merely a feeling, and knowing, a thought-form deep in the subconscious. 

Have I become so lost that I don't even need an answer anymore.  Am so far off track that all I can hope for is a break from time to time in the silence of my apartment, where I can just be nothing for just a moment in meditation.  I tell you, I feel ten times better being 'nothing' than being something to someone that doesn't understand what is actually being accomplished. 

And others say, ...oh you're great, you're awesome, ..you're invaluable, I love you.  And it doesn't matter like it used to....I know that there is no rewards now.  People say these things , and they bring no solace.  They only remind me of how much I give and not get.  It's horrible.

It's not about money, or friendship, or family or love.  It's about how I feel, ............I feel like shit.  I drink alcohol, ...I smoke marijuana in hopes that I will find some relief.  I eat healthy, and treat others with respect as much as possible, I listen, I learn and teach what I can.  And still no relief...WHY?  What is it that is actually missing? ...and if nothing is missing...why am I so much in this negative field.   If I have everything I need...why am I so empty???

Someday soon, I hope these answers find themselves to me.  And I can live and love and laugh, and feel liberty without emptiness.  It could happen.....

It's been just over two months from my last addition to this blog.  I guess somehow inside I found a place where I was not comfortable being negative all the time about my life and the people in it.  Also, with my relationship with my 19year old son being initiated, I have been reluctant to "let it out" so to speak.  Yet, as they say, "The time has come...!"

The entirety of the last two months, daunting, crazy, revealing, within love, without regret, it has been so many things.   I am learning more and more about this thing around me called "The World" and "Life", and also about how we have none/all the control we need in them.

Sometimes people they want to control you and take your power, and skill and capitalize off it.  Other times we can find in ourselves the strength, and the power to get things done ...not just our way, but the right way as well.  In the times of strength and power I am finding more stability...but I have found also the people that would use me up are closing in.

The majority of effort I've seen and observed from others has been mixed at most.  I think people really do want to help and love, and share and dance in life, but they are too scared to.  Scared senseless, and ineffectual by the crippling fear of something nobody really knows.  It's sad, and in this motion these types of people begin to change. (and not for the better)

And there is also the few, ...the True Lightworkers, working, growing, evolving, sharing their secrets in life to others, building people up, becoming a leader without even being asked, and finding truth in the things they do.  These are the types of people that I notice and want to attract.

The weak and fearful that would have me sit in dirt and forget me out of ignorance, vanity?  They do not have my vote.  People who stuff their pockets and complain about sharing.  Who do not really nurture, but find a way to gain from someones vulnerability....sickening.

I don't mind being vulnerable, and out in the open.  It is no lie, that I have always worn my heart on my sleeve and yet only cried (until recently) by myself.  It's when people find in their vast intelligence, to toy with power and influence in people those states, ...at the same time not providing anything of their own really to build things up.

People have no discipline like they used to.  I remember when I was a kid I was very aware that I was not under a lot of parental control, ..and I got myself into a whole heap of trouble.  And still I just by the skin of my teeth made it through the trees and into the open air again.  Im not proud of everything I have done, nor do I profess that I am perfect. As an adult I have had to rein in discipline and create it for myself.  Most of it to bring it all back to basics and bare bones.

I do though aspire to something greater, and within more power.   I believe I have control over only my feeling, emotions, behavior.  I do not have power over others, and if I did I would give it back.  For what is a person if they have no choice to choose?  (Not anyone I want to know)  I don't want to control others, and never have.  The thought of control should be an inner conversation with the Self, ...not with others.

Still though, there are haters out there that will manipulate, lie, cheat, steal and do whatever it takes to get what they want in life and death.  There are people that will drain your very soul if you let them in enough.  Leaving you feeling as if you have lost a couple pints of blood in a evening or afternoon hour.  It's not their fault...they learned to live as a succubus, or incubus even...psychic vampires.  Beware.

I am in a battle with these types, ...fighting for love in amongst their hateful grins, and fake smiles.  I want us to find the light beyond sight, the True Light ...if it exists.  It is not born out of selfishness, or self preservation alone of thyself.  It's born out of love, simply and honorably without a doubt, ...of self, of others, and to the unseen, Perfect Love alone within the boarders of Perfect Trust is the only thing that will bring us to Union.

The sooner I get used to that ...the sooner I ll be happier with the lot that is around me.