Im certain there's a better way to be happy than just serving the higher intentions? .........or is there? lately, somebody (me) seems to be the one dropping the ball in some peoples eyes, it's hard to excite the things I look up to with respect, maybe they are just tired those things. so much Work ahead, with only my inside voice as the real teacher. I see a lot of cool stares...oh wait, that's a mirror.
Why am I failing in these people eyes? (including my own)
I feel the draw of energy, ..I feel the pull of gravity, and knowing inside heart. Yet, somehow that feeling of belonging doesn't always make a lot of sense inside my brain. I see disconnection in myself, even when there is knowledge of Unity inter laced between my fractured waves of thought.
I know where I'm supposed to be,...Im there some moments. I feel a sense of urgency, ..but have fumbled so greatly that I can hardly begin without feeling the emotions of fear grow. How do we really grow past fear?...I mean, it's so impressed in our daily lives, how do we escape it forever? Maybe we need to face those fears, ...hopefully identify and eventually control it. But methods to means are not always clear, and when they are clear, it seems that there is things in my life that draw me away from my source. I don't want that, but there it is.
I try to be patient, and kind, and tolerate this place, and myself. But honestly, there's a part of me that is so done, and over the drama of living, the constant struggle for sustenance, and food for our souls, minds, bodies. Are we ever truly fed? Will we as a society every truly be "earth quenched ineffably into eternity?"
or will we Die? leaving cities and countrysides bare of humanity, to grow into disrepair and neglect like the weakest in our ranks? When do we find it, that thing, that changes us? ...And when we find it...I want us to be able to hold it, and be in being with it. Not to just be a moving body of light, on a body of light, in a body of light, moving to a body of light.. but a acquisition of force and conscious fixed thought. When will we build this as our strength, and not weapons/devices of fear/war/hate...?
We really all need to be working together, and sometimes I see it, ...mixing energies, finding solution and dissolution of negativity, I want to have it everyday ...every moment, ...but it's all it flux, ..man.....drives me to insanity to always be the bending reed, the passive, the tolerant, the patient, the kind. And know, in my deepest sense, that those things that I live and breathe, and foster...
...well, not everyone thinks like that...many are rigid, with no yielding, or care. Caught in their own senses, with little empathy, and boundless benevolence, seeking nothing but gratification. They force, and push, and pull away in ego, leaving often with no dignity or reason to anger. Again tripped out on the sensation of their wanting, obsession, and avarice. Leaving everything upturned in their effort to satisfy their needs.
I have often compromised my basic needs for others, in an effort to "get along" and "respect". But truly what respect is there in denying oneself the voice to find those things that are important to ones soul. I am grateful for my gifts, but I do not use them to the potential that would be necessary for any moment of peace. I am sad to say that conflict seems to be a parasite to my growing. Secretly I think there is a part of me that knows what will happen if I achieve the things of my dreams. Maybe it's that I will have to make new ones...and imagine a whole new space of existence.
I wish we all could all dream big , ....get it together. So close, inside the distance, between hearts; I will find the love I seek when it is the right time. Until then, as my besty would say ... nonnegotiable self care. For me ..that means, ..meditation, writing, exercise, wellness, healthy diet and work ahead in the schedule. There is no other choice than to forge forward, turning back is not an option. ...thankfully.
Im not afraid to fail anymore, and not so thankfully, failures can be burdensome; especially when they occur in communication, these points need to be admonished and forgiven. Truly the path to enlightenment begins with forgiving the past transgressions of self, not just the ones of others. When we find out selves worthy, we can do this...
I
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Still in the rough..
All the time, I am put in front of equations of possibility, emotions, and change; I often wonder, "What the H am I doing? Am I really where I set out to be?". The wonder continues, ever present and tenacious, sometimes soothing, and very quiet. Like any moment, the Universe could fold in on itself and take us all with it down some proverbial "rabbit hole" of metaphysical probability. Are we getting any closer to "it"...this state of Knowing. I think,"Yes.", yet long, long way to go before light. This can depress me, ...greatly. But it also keeps me very busy.
We all here on this planet, in this matter, and control. Materially, and also mortally, we are all in this together. ( I have said that before). Yet still, people continue with hate, dis-communication, apathetic natures, and just plain actions of ignorance. Ignorance being defined as: a lack of knowledge; we all fall down, for all of us are kept from our Source in our forms in humanity. I feel we really have fallen from grace, to be torn from that safety, and kept in the seasons of Earth.
Some days, I won't make any lie, ..I feel trapped. Like even if I did good in this life, and contributed enough of myself to the spirit in us all, that I would still be the thing that I started out as, that I wouldn't change in death, that I would be drawn back to some duty here. And, still be without the Source...
Certainly there are moments when I think I've found it, a place of gratitude, and caring, ....safety,; and, I am getting better, most time, at extending that feeling and energy. Yet, still, I don't sleep..not like I want to. I get so frustrated when my partner, is asleep within five minutes of hitting the pillow. I stare at the light coming in the window, the shadows in the room, and the clock that seems to be going faster and faster as I grow from insomnia to frantic and into anxiety. I don't tell anyone about this, really. I suffer silently with it. My doctor gave me some pills, ...but, there not really supposed to be used all the time. they work when they work
What I am learning though, ...is most definitely, that trust can be a game of waiting. "I've waited this long..", I tell myself, "What's a little longer to wait, really?" ...and so I wait for another sign from my heart to show me the way back to happiness. But, it's not happiness I'm waiting for, or even love, or solace....it's peace. I am waiting for peace, and though there may not be so much happening right in my face, ...there are things behind my irises, I am so very glad are "not real", not anymore at least.
I want it ....and yet I resist it too. Ironic? No, par for the course, in my life. There's one part that wants peace, and there's one part that wants change. And somehow, the grey area between those things change/peace, keeps me very occupied mentally. I hope to always grow, change is everywhere, ...but how to create it in life with peace? ...totally boggled. It's like you can't expect to get good soup, if you have no ability to stir the pot. I don't want to stir the pot necessarily, ...I was told by a very wise man once that sometimes doing nothing is the best option. Which brings in the argument of stagnation. Ebb and flow, energy and coldness, fluxing, dancing, lights colors. I think Im going to throw up, Im too saturated by all this reality, and control we play ourselves into. When, with compassion, will it ever end?
I really do need to ally together all my gifts, senses, feeling, emotions, actions, and beyond into the next step. Im certain I can handle it, ..just still there seems this daunting, and uneasy, feeling that some evil could be working in me, and I don't know, or see, or care enough to purge these "ghosts". How can I return to the Source ...ever; if I cannot find peace here on Earth, with the lot I was given in this life, as a human and beyond into the metaphysical, is there "HOPE" ...really? or is it a big scam to keep all of us sold into mortality, and this never ending cycle ....that really, really, never ends? ...I grow very uneasy at the prospect of this. Why do I want to not return? Why is paradise so awful to me? Why when I am surrounded by caring, and love, and acceptance, I still find a way to mess around with something that is astonishingly supportive and unstable all at once. It's a mind frack.
I am also learning that this waiting may not be a very practical way to peace, that inherent in love, is it's contradiction ...WAR. The war that happens in all of us, every day when we choose to be here, choose our trials, choose what we eat, and believe, ....we all play the game of "polite" and being nice, but what is it going to get you in the next life? if there is a next life? Or would the next life be more, if we took care of only our integrity, and compassion. And always gave more than take, so that even if there was a moment of starving, there would still be the thought that at some point, one had done good and put themselves out there for another, ...selflessly and without material, physical reward.
Some days, days that are growing in number as they pass each week. I wonder if I could architect another ...me. The lower self, ...the emotional body, animal passions...to be refined, stable, paralleling light, not shadow, and mystery. Does everyone go through this???? I want the knowing to stay; in that moment of motivation, I want the knowing that I can achieve these things that I dream of, and wish for; the things I hope for, and work toward, and there are no guarantees. All the things we work for, there is no guarantee that they will always be supported; there's no guarantee that hard work pays off. Everyone will tell you that, ...hard work makes it worth it. ....Hard work makes it harder, and even if you work and toil and compromise and sacrifice everything in your world, there is still no guarantee. In my life there's always something there to take it away....isn't that horrible? sick.
Change and Peace, like Yin and Yang, not ever existing without one another, and always having a small piece of each other inside. Maybe there are no absolutes in the world, and maybe the Source is just a dream....but I want to return to it. I want that dream. I want that dream in my life, with my closeness with nature, and the people I care for. I want us all to be in the Source, living, loving....communicating, loving more. How can we find our way out of this trap? is this all there is? and if so? ...am I prepared to have that be enough?
Letting go of the old form is getting paramount and moving forward is going to have to happen eventually, ....Im doing the Work. I hope Im doing the right thing. I want always to be in the arms of compassion and love, and mercy mixed with gratefulness. I forgive myself for still being here on Earth. ...maybe I ll sleep now
We all here on this planet, in this matter, and control. Materially, and also mortally, we are all in this together. ( I have said that before). Yet still, people continue with hate, dis-communication, apathetic natures, and just plain actions of ignorance. Ignorance being defined as: a lack of knowledge; we all fall down, for all of us are kept from our Source in our forms in humanity. I feel we really have fallen from grace, to be torn from that safety, and kept in the seasons of Earth.
Some days, I won't make any lie, ..I feel trapped. Like even if I did good in this life, and contributed enough of myself to the spirit in us all, that I would still be the thing that I started out as, that I wouldn't change in death, that I would be drawn back to some duty here. And, still be without the Source...
Certainly there are moments when I think I've found it, a place of gratitude, and caring, ....safety,; and, I am getting better, most time, at extending that feeling and energy. Yet, still, I don't sleep..not like I want to. I get so frustrated when my partner, is asleep within five minutes of hitting the pillow. I stare at the light coming in the window, the shadows in the room, and the clock that seems to be going faster and faster as I grow from insomnia to frantic and into anxiety. I don't tell anyone about this, really. I suffer silently with it. My doctor gave me some pills, ...but, there not really supposed to be used all the time. they work when they work
What I am learning though, ...is most definitely, that trust can be a game of waiting. "I've waited this long..", I tell myself, "What's a little longer to wait, really?" ...and so I wait for another sign from my heart to show me the way back to happiness. But, it's not happiness I'm waiting for, or even love, or solace....it's peace. I am waiting for peace, and though there may not be so much happening right in my face, ...there are things behind my irises, I am so very glad are "not real", not anymore at least.
I want it ....and yet I resist it too. Ironic? No, par for the course, in my life. There's one part that wants peace, and there's one part that wants change. And somehow, the grey area between those things change/peace, keeps me very occupied mentally. I hope to always grow, change is everywhere, ...but how to create it in life with peace? ...totally boggled. It's like you can't expect to get good soup, if you have no ability to stir the pot. I don't want to stir the pot necessarily, ...I was told by a very wise man once that sometimes doing nothing is the best option. Which brings in the argument of stagnation. Ebb and flow, energy and coldness, fluxing, dancing, lights colors. I think Im going to throw up, Im too saturated by all this reality, and control we play ourselves into. When, with compassion, will it ever end?
I really do need to ally together all my gifts, senses, feeling, emotions, actions, and beyond into the next step. Im certain I can handle it, ..just still there seems this daunting, and uneasy, feeling that some evil could be working in me, and I don't know, or see, or care enough to purge these "ghosts". How can I return to the Source ...ever; if I cannot find peace here on Earth, with the lot I was given in this life, as a human and beyond into the metaphysical, is there "HOPE" ...really? or is it a big scam to keep all of us sold into mortality, and this never ending cycle ....that really, really, never ends? ...I grow very uneasy at the prospect of this. Why do I want to not return? Why is paradise so awful to me? Why when I am surrounded by caring, and love, and acceptance, I still find a way to mess around with something that is astonishingly supportive and unstable all at once. It's a mind frack.
I am also learning that this waiting may not be a very practical way to peace, that inherent in love, is it's contradiction ...WAR. The war that happens in all of us, every day when we choose to be here, choose our trials, choose what we eat, and believe, ....we all play the game of "polite" and being nice, but what is it going to get you in the next life? if there is a next life? Or would the next life be more, if we took care of only our integrity, and compassion. And always gave more than take, so that even if there was a moment of starving, there would still be the thought that at some point, one had done good and put themselves out there for another, ...selflessly and without material, physical reward.
Some days, days that are growing in number as they pass each week. I wonder if I could architect another ...me. The lower self, ...the emotional body, animal passions...to be refined, stable, paralleling light, not shadow, and mystery. Does everyone go through this???? I want the knowing to stay; in that moment of motivation, I want the knowing that I can achieve these things that I dream of, and wish for; the things I hope for, and work toward, and there are no guarantees. All the things we work for, there is no guarantee that they will always be supported; there's no guarantee that hard work pays off. Everyone will tell you that, ...hard work makes it worth it. ....Hard work makes it harder, and even if you work and toil and compromise and sacrifice everything in your world, there is still no guarantee. In my life there's always something there to take it away....isn't that horrible? sick.
Change and Peace, like Yin and Yang, not ever existing without one another, and always having a small piece of each other inside. Maybe there are no absolutes in the world, and maybe the Source is just a dream....but I want to return to it. I want that dream. I want that dream in my life, with my closeness with nature, and the people I care for. I want us all to be in the Source, living, loving....communicating, loving more. How can we find our way out of this trap? is this all there is? and if so? ...am I prepared to have that be enough?
Letting go of the old form is getting paramount and moving forward is going to have to happen eventually, ....Im doing the Work. I hope Im doing the right thing. I want always to be in the arms of compassion and love, and mercy mixed with gratefulness. I forgive myself for still being here on Earth. ...maybe I ll sleep now
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)