With anyone who has come in contact with their latent karma, hidden deep within the layers, we can find "conflict" buried and ready to be activated. Sometimes we move through the conflict and not see how we are all progressing. When I look around at our mentors, teachers, friends, family and lovers ...we want to respect them, and honor them.
With my karma I have found that there is a point where honor lies behind events, a part of us that knows the secret truth about ourselves and our own being, that part that is Divine. The one that chooses to seek it will find hardship, and trials on their way back and returning to that light from within. This is how we balance our karma, piece by piece, lifetime over lifetime. Through trial, and choice we activate our own life/karma.
In the past, we create our karma, in time...as we grow, we learn sometimes to let go, and other times, where we need to hold on. Holding onto hope can be an important lesson in karma. I know it was for myself.
I always was attracted to the uncharted parts of humanity..dreams, dimension, perception, and always in a seeking for more information. Never really finishing any project completely, moving on from one hand off to another; leaving behind some teaching and gaining some lessons, I always was stupefied and taken aback (to the negative ) by the visions I saw.
There use to be a time when all I dreamed about at night was War, and hardship, people put in prisons, and broken cities. And after the the war there was this White House. Now this house represented for me a place of purity, and it was every changing as my knowledge grew inside it's walls. Now though, I am in a very very large Hotel.
I'm not sure how I got invited to this opulent, and massive expansive resort quality facility. I'm not sure what I am doing there, ..but on any given night, I can be found in it's hallways or on the grounds, in elevators, ..basements, poolside. And people are everywhere, there's no lonely night for me when I go to sleep. There's work to do when it's the Hotel I see. There's a Mall attached to it too...and a skytrain. It's quite a sight, I dont' think I've even seen the entire place, namely the living quarters...any which way, I digress ...
In my story through these forms in my dreams, I have transformed myself...from a story of war, to a story of seeking/finding, to a story of somehow leisure mixed with light-workings, all on the astral (for conventions sake) plane. How many people can say they have had a lucid dream? How many people even know what a lucid dream is? Some do, yes..but there is a mass of the population that is on this level, and there is a some sort of collective that is coming together there.
I remember going to a wedding, in one dream..only the wedding was in the middle of a Colosseum. Going to research the dream, I found that it was symbolic of the union of the "anima/animus" within me, and other symbols pointed to the rebirth of a purer form. White laced, with flowers, on white gloved hand. Had I found for myself the light within, during this moment? (perhaps)
Hope has been important through all these years, as these dreams come into the material world, and my consciousness, bringing with it many mornings of conflict as a recover from night after night of sorting through these images. Sometimes the conflict wins, and sometimes I see what the solution has been the entire time. Not some answer that told me everything, ...but an answer simple enough to make sense.
If you have the power to keep going, then keep going, keep believing. Giving up on life is easy, and that with an easy life, I assume mostly, some karmic lessons will be missed. One doesn't have to be a PhD. to recognize dogma's downfall. Lest we be victims of them, we must break free of our negative cycles; or they will control us, through our ignorance.
I have learned that some conflicts ARE the solution, and when we can approach solutions creatively, and with honor, we can do whatever we want, desire, wish, and dream for. When we choose our divine source for action, we can accomplish so much more.
Our very population, and culture, are changing fast.....consciousness is growing, and so are our minds and intellects. People are looking for answers more where once there was a silent response. People are able to find the facts, faster and with accuracy never before experienced. When will our perceptions change and evolve out of matter, and possibly into something so much more than mere atoms.
Our work towards these things is our honor, our contribution to humanity. Making and creating our destiny ...we will find our ways back to Light.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
What I am missing, when I live in fear?
On transit often, I sit alone quietly watching the people or the road pass by, and I think about all of us here on Earth, and our trials, and our gains in life, and possibly death. I think about how there are people that are less fortunate than those here, and how quickly the line between have's and have not, is growing. I'm very grateful for all my lessons, and also the people I hold close to me, ..even the bad days are within grace now, I have found something that is worth keeping, worth working for, worth a second mind of attention, worth fixing when it gets broke, something that that I feel needs my love.
When I first started this blog I was in darkness, all I saw was the night and it's obsessions, it's misdirection toward ultimate failure. I hid there, just as quietly as on transit, sending out my intentions, and making opportunity into manifestation where I felt necessary. But always missing the mark...missing the gains I sought, in relationships, in love with friends/lovers alike. I always was a step away from my goals, much like Tantalus in Tartarus, with water and fruit always just out of reach (alone in the dark).
Slowly I was forgetting what it was that I sought, blinded by these things of rejection and judgement. I had forgotten "Love". I had fear in me, deeply and fully, and I was easily controlled by others who would want to manipulate me to their own desire/need. I would let people walk all over me, use me, abuse me, and give me less than balance.
I still battle with this day to day. In the chaos of today, balance takes constant attention, if I'm going to continue being a force of life/light. And with that battle I must as always, mitigate the energies with which I associate with. If I want to grow, then I must surround myself with others that are always willing to grow. If I can, I want to evolve into something of greatness, not necessarily of material wealth, but greatness that people can sense without even knowing me. I do not, and cannot be a model of fear, if I'm to do this work.
And so I learn through others, and others learn from me in return. I find answers, and they find what they are looking for as well; through our correspondence and sharing, something is created. We learn to identify our spaces/environments and therefore have some power to wield our wills in it, in that same moment. This is balance, when we all have sight together.
Living the night, I could see only so far, because of that innate fear/darkness, even negativity. Now that I am living in light more, I see more, and consequently am able to affect the world in greater ways with that sight I have gained. I welcome changes that bring with it grace and forgiveness. And still able to bring facts, together with truth, from a place of vast emptiness, to a place of safety and "love found".
If there is anyone out there reading this, and you fear that you are not loved, or that the love you have is not enough. Step out of the dark and project to the world your love, without limitation, without expectation, and from the heart of TRUSTING. The Universe listened to my intentions, and maybe I didn't get it right the first times I tried to call for it, it is now close and within my inner circle.
Maybe it feels that it's only a one way channel this love, that it's only you giving, and creating the "good" in your relationships. Maybe you feel invisible to love. Perhaps even, you don't believe in love because of so long a time without it close. I don't know everyone's situation, but I can tell you...giving love, and receiving love completely depends on the individuals ability to submit to the force of love, and even in the face of uncertainty extend it regardless of gain/loss.
This is what I learned when I stepped away from the fear in my life. And I still am learning more and more everyday on how to expand that knowledge. I am learning how to heal myself, and to love others who also are healing from their pasts, and not judge them because of their ignorance or prejudice. I have successfully, for the moment, dropped the ego and given myself a chance at life again, by admitting to love more than I will to fear.
What am I missing, when I living in fear? ....Love. (*it's simple)
Have a Great Autumn Everybody..
When I first started this blog I was in darkness, all I saw was the night and it's obsessions, it's misdirection toward ultimate failure. I hid there, just as quietly as on transit, sending out my intentions, and making opportunity into manifestation where I felt necessary. But always missing the mark...missing the gains I sought, in relationships, in love with friends/lovers alike. I always was a step away from my goals, much like Tantalus in Tartarus, with water and fruit always just out of reach (alone in the dark).
Slowly I was forgetting what it was that I sought, blinded by these things of rejection and judgement. I had forgotten "Love". I had fear in me, deeply and fully, and I was easily controlled by others who would want to manipulate me to their own desire/need. I would let people walk all over me, use me, abuse me, and give me less than balance.
I still battle with this day to day. In the chaos of today, balance takes constant attention, if I'm going to continue being a force of life/light. And with that battle I must as always, mitigate the energies with which I associate with. If I want to grow, then I must surround myself with others that are always willing to grow. If I can, I want to evolve into something of greatness, not necessarily of material wealth, but greatness that people can sense without even knowing me. I do not, and cannot be a model of fear, if I'm to do this work.
And so I learn through others, and others learn from me in return. I find answers, and they find what they are looking for as well; through our correspondence and sharing, something is created. We learn to identify our spaces/environments and therefore have some power to wield our wills in it, in that same moment. This is balance, when we all have sight together.
Living the night, I could see only so far, because of that innate fear/darkness, even negativity. Now that I am living in light more, I see more, and consequently am able to affect the world in greater ways with that sight I have gained. I welcome changes that bring with it grace and forgiveness. And still able to bring facts, together with truth, from a place of vast emptiness, to a place of safety and "love found".
If there is anyone out there reading this, and you fear that you are not loved, or that the love you have is not enough. Step out of the dark and project to the world your love, without limitation, without expectation, and from the heart of TRUSTING. The Universe listened to my intentions, and maybe I didn't get it right the first times I tried to call for it, it is now close and within my inner circle.
Maybe it feels that it's only a one way channel this love, that it's only you giving, and creating the "good" in your relationships. Maybe you feel invisible to love. Perhaps even, you don't believe in love because of so long a time without it close. I don't know everyone's situation, but I can tell you...giving love, and receiving love completely depends on the individuals ability to submit to the force of love, and even in the face of uncertainty extend it regardless of gain/loss.
This is what I learned when I stepped away from the fear in my life. And I still am learning more and more everyday on how to expand that knowledge. I am learning how to heal myself, and to love others who also are healing from their pasts, and not judge them because of their ignorance or prejudice. I have successfully, for the moment, dropped the ego and given myself a chance at life again, by admitting to love more than I will to fear.
What am I missing, when I living in fear? ....Love. (*it's simple)
Have a Great Autumn Everybody..
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Struggles Abound
Everything we have close to us, ..all the love, and all the emotions attached to love, people (family/otherwise), work (creative/otherwise), and play; even the simple thoughts which may or may not plague, and the paper-cuts, ..sometimes the larger wounds. All of these things are nothing compared to True Enlightenment. No matter how much we learn to "let go" or "move on" ..there's always going to be another branch to hold again in front of oneself, or a future goal that is where our path takes us.
Our humanity is directly linked to what we experience, if a man is brought up with kindness and gentle natures then he will, more chance, become the same; as we associate we become. Yet if that same man is brought up with hate, and fear, and abuse...he will become that as well through the same method.
As recent as this month I have been going through some serious "struggles" as my Mother would say. Not so much with my lot in life, but with this unrelenting lamenting nostalgia for some things in my past. If I began a list of what's on my plate right now I would be here writing, and writing, and writing all about the different levels of struggle I have been going through, along side people just like you that are reading this. I will concentrate though, and try to stick to basics.
Some one close to me, who will remain private, almost successfully attempted to take their own life. And look away now if you don't think you can handle the rest... I do know that this person has been of service in his life, not only to his family, but also to his peers and greater. I do not see this person often as I would like, but still, I never saw it coming.
I myself could not ever touch on what brings a person to want to give away something so precious as ones own Life. I have had instances where the thought has crossed my mind, ...but only in fantasy of the "letting go" or giving away "pain" to visualization. And woken up the next morning again, to fight again, for the day under our Star, the Sun. I regret that some have not the will to carry on, it's also sadly, a norm people are getting under their skin more and more.
In the backlash of this persons indiscretion, the family, which I know they have love for, have reached out for them. Only to be met with a wounded silent response of broken pride, the Dad needs him, and this person needs their Dad. Please, don't forget that forgiveness is the path to the divine. If we cannot forgive our very children, and our Fathers, what can we do to fight for love? ...unless love is gone; which is a lie.
This and more has been on my mind, as I find more to stack onto the plate of "to do in order to find the divine". This has been my struggle to find the divine, I have been always drawn towards the esoteric, dark, and grey areas of life. It wasn't until my later years that I discovered the very truth about the balance of Light and Dark. And how the alchemy of self happens at some point and we define what is right and wrong, then choose a side to form into...a place where the animus and anima unite. A place of Union.
People are not taught towards Union though, ..they are formed from mostly fear, ignorance and falsity. I have been personally taught, that life is a struggle, and if I'm not strong enough, I will never break free. Even in people close to me there are many that just getting by, by the skin of the teeth, and close calls. Everyone is in the same struggle that I am on some level, maybe not in the same way, but the people like me are asking the same questions about the same things. What goes through your head when you are going into sleep? I bet it's nothing I would ever expect.
Fortunately I am able to be there for the one that truly need me, ...and I am of service to them. There is pride in being there for the long haul, there is hope that there is "enough" will to carry on. I do not fear that that hope will ever die. For I have been in some pretty dark places, far, far away from any light, any savior, and support, and still made it to where I am today. In a place of love, and support, and distancing myself from the dramas of life.
For the people that have cast me and my kin aside, over and over. I understand you. I know why you do these things. I don't agree, or condone..yet I tolerate your ignorance ,for thing that I am is not in darkness. And therefore not in fear. Those that would cast me and my kin aside, you cast away what is the most important gift in life, and you don't even know it.
I was taught how to swim early in life, ...who knew 33 years later it would be a metaphor for life. To just keep the head above water, and learning to dive, learning to "hold your breath". People will take themselves away from me, from you, from family, friends, co-workers, otherwise and we will survive, as will the people that stay close us. We are a power to be reckoned with, when we believe in ourselves enough to demand what is ours to have and keep.
...and still have the power to let it all go and do nothing...that is True Enlightenment.
Maybe for some people enlightenment is about non-action and causality. I agree sometimes it very much is; I also believe enlightenment is being able to identify and overcome any obstacle, no mater which the size, in time, even through many lifetimes, one step at a time. The divine is as close as you want to be, or as far as you make it.
Letting go is great, but letting go of of Power, if the need arises, can be the most catalytic thing. Once one is able to let go of the attachment, and not necessarily the love or energy. Once the attachment is gone ...it's clear what the real priority in this plane is. Finding love, in all thing, even if they are not what we want, expect, dream, hope, or wish for.
In light of my struggles, I have come far; and if you are reading this, you have as well. Don't be afraid to give yourself the love that you want for yourself, not matter what form that love takes, don't be afraid to share it either, there are many that are in need of it. And if you see me ....give me a hug, ...it won't hurt.
Our humanity is directly linked to what we experience, if a man is brought up with kindness and gentle natures then he will, more chance, become the same; as we associate we become. Yet if that same man is brought up with hate, and fear, and abuse...he will become that as well through the same method.
As recent as this month I have been going through some serious "struggles" as my Mother would say. Not so much with my lot in life, but with this unrelenting lamenting nostalgia for some things in my past. If I began a list of what's on my plate right now I would be here writing, and writing, and writing all about the different levels of struggle I have been going through, along side people just like you that are reading this. I will concentrate though, and try to stick to basics.
Some one close to me, who will remain private, almost successfully attempted to take their own life. And look away now if you don't think you can handle the rest... I do know that this person has been of service in his life, not only to his family, but also to his peers and greater. I do not see this person often as I would like, but still, I never saw it coming.
I myself could not ever touch on what brings a person to want to give away something so precious as ones own Life. I have had instances where the thought has crossed my mind, ...but only in fantasy of the "letting go" or giving away "pain" to visualization. And woken up the next morning again, to fight again, for the day under our Star, the Sun. I regret that some have not the will to carry on, it's also sadly, a norm people are getting under their skin more and more.
In the backlash of this persons indiscretion, the family, which I know they have love for, have reached out for them. Only to be met with a wounded silent response of broken pride, the Dad needs him, and this person needs their Dad. Please, don't forget that forgiveness is the path to the divine. If we cannot forgive our very children, and our Fathers, what can we do to fight for love? ...unless love is gone; which is a lie.
This and more has been on my mind, as I find more to stack onto the plate of "to do in order to find the divine". This has been my struggle to find the divine, I have been always drawn towards the esoteric, dark, and grey areas of life. It wasn't until my later years that I discovered the very truth about the balance of Light and Dark. And how the alchemy of self happens at some point and we define what is right and wrong, then choose a side to form into...a place where the animus and anima unite. A place of Union.
People are not taught towards Union though, ..they are formed from mostly fear, ignorance and falsity. I have been personally taught, that life is a struggle, and if I'm not strong enough, I will never break free. Even in people close to me there are many that just getting by, by the skin of the teeth, and close calls. Everyone is in the same struggle that I am on some level, maybe not in the same way, but the people like me are asking the same questions about the same things. What goes through your head when you are going into sleep? I bet it's nothing I would ever expect.
Fortunately I am able to be there for the one that truly need me, ...and I am of service to them. There is pride in being there for the long haul, there is hope that there is "enough" will to carry on. I do not fear that that hope will ever die. For I have been in some pretty dark places, far, far away from any light, any savior, and support, and still made it to where I am today. In a place of love, and support, and distancing myself from the dramas of life.
For the people that have cast me and my kin aside, over and over. I understand you. I know why you do these things. I don't agree, or condone..yet I tolerate your ignorance ,for thing that I am is not in darkness. And therefore not in fear. Those that would cast me and my kin aside, you cast away what is the most important gift in life, and you don't even know it.
I was taught how to swim early in life, ...who knew 33 years later it would be a metaphor for life. To just keep the head above water, and learning to dive, learning to "hold your breath". People will take themselves away from me, from you, from family, friends, co-workers, otherwise and we will survive, as will the people that stay close us. We are a power to be reckoned with, when we believe in ourselves enough to demand what is ours to have and keep.
...and still have the power to let it all go and do nothing...that is True Enlightenment.
Maybe for some people enlightenment is about non-action and causality. I agree sometimes it very much is; I also believe enlightenment is being able to identify and overcome any obstacle, no mater which the size, in time, even through many lifetimes, one step at a time. The divine is as close as you want to be, or as far as you make it.
Letting go is great, but letting go of of Power, if the need arises, can be the most catalytic thing. Once one is able to let go of the attachment, and not necessarily the love or energy. Once the attachment is gone ...it's clear what the real priority in this plane is. Finding love, in all thing, even if they are not what we want, expect, dream, hope, or wish for.
In light of my struggles, I have come far; and if you are reading this, you have as well. Don't be afraid to give yourself the love that you want for yourself, not matter what form that love takes, don't be afraid to share it either, there are many that are in need of it. And if you see me ....give me a hug, ...it won't hurt.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Why am I really here?
It's been a little while since I wrote here. I have felt the need to say less in the face of the all the obstacles I have come through. What really gets fixed anyway with a small collection of paragraphs, that may or may not even reach the eyes of understanding. Here it is though, my attempt to make sense of all of the happenings around me. I wish that sense finds it way to me, and this feeling that I have made the wrong decision in my life and my work in life, ..professional and spiritual alike.
I have been told by more than one person that I have a spiritually evolved way about me. I have been told by even more people, how much I have contributed to their lives, and enriched it with my energy. Sometimes strangers I don't even know, they pick up on this energy, and are attracted to it...they don't know why. I do though...
I've tried my best to be a good person, but as humanity goes there is always the break from reality where some hidden part of a person can emerge and reek havoc on the world. Usually driven by fear, hate these moments, though often fleeting, can have a lasting effect. People want to care, they want to love, they want to share, I truly believe they want to do good. And still many make the decision to choose darkness, to choose to complain about their lot, rather than let it go and enjoy the ride. I want to do this. I don't want to be that "guy".
I have found that I complain less lately, ..but that in return, there are no rewards. I have learned that being "good", or "just", or "fair", is not really the goal of the masses. They care only of the things right in front of them, and what others have to offer, .....and more and more less about what they can offer to the world. How sick I feel when I see these people around me.
Im a giver, ....it's true. I've tried to take care of the people around me as best I can. I've tried to support the people I love and hold close....but what do I get in return? ..how trite is that? ...To actually believe there is a reward for goodness is a lie. There are no rewards ...there is only work. That's what it feels like to me. No matter how much I give there is still not the same in return. Am I selfish for wanting something in return for my support. Other than a empty thank-you, ..that is more just manners than actual gratitude.
Ive had to say no to things that actually made me happy, because they vamp my energy and time. I volunteer my time, my energy, my heart, my money, even my family (when they can) to help others in their quest for happiness and fulfillment. To serve a higher purpose...that's who I am, and that's who I want to be.
Over the past six months though I have felt as if I have poured myself out to the world, and the things in it. My friends, my lover, my work, my family...I give to them as much as I can. But the more I give the more others have to take. I just wonder when all this caring and support I am giving is going to pay off.
Most mornings I wake up and I feel low and worthless. Why? I don't want that...yet, there it is. This incredible emptiness, and longing for something of greater worth and status. I want to be in the light, I want to be the righteous and the grateful, I truly do.
Something inside me wants to cower away from the world and the people and things in it and only rely on myself...leave them behind and put the drama aside. Leave the now, and go somewhere where it doesn't matter that I have so much to give, or that others have just as much to give as I do. Or that they have what they need to get through any storm they come across ...like me.
I've been through many storms, and still seem carry on in hope of a sunny day. I have this "faith" inside me that carries on ....Why? (when it's clear others have more to take than give)
I don't know where this post is going actually.... as the title says. "why am I really here"? ...the truth is ...I don't really know. I thought it was to love and live, and laugh and be within liberty. But those things don't make me happy. Love is an incredible amount of work, life even more work...laughing is so much a receding thing. I want to laugh, but am too aware of all the hate, and users. And then sometimes , ..if I don't laugh I will just cry. Being within liberty is a joke, ...for we are all prisoners here, whether we think so or not.
So I am left without a purpose ...a way to happiness, and fulfillment. Just sentenced to live life in the service of spirit, with no reward or release. Seems so empty and meaningless to tire and work towards something that really isn't necessarily real, ...merely a feeling, and knowing, a thought-form deep in the subconscious.
Have I become so lost that I don't even need an answer anymore. Am so far off track that all I can hope for is a break from time to time in the silence of my apartment, where I can just be nothing for just a moment in meditation. I tell you, I feel ten times better being 'nothing' than being something to someone that doesn't understand what is actually being accomplished.
And others say, ...oh you're great, you're awesome, ..you're invaluable, I love you. And it doesn't matter like it used to....I know that there is no rewards now. People say these things , and they bring no solace. They only remind me of how much I give and not get. It's horrible.
It's not about money, or friendship, or family or love. It's about how I feel, ............I feel like shit. I drink alcohol, ...I smoke marijuana in hopes that I will find some relief. I eat healthy, and treat others with respect as much as possible, I listen, I learn and teach what I can. And still no relief...WHY? What is it that is actually missing? ...and if nothing is missing...why am I so much in this negative field. If I have everything I need...why am I so empty???
Someday soon, I hope these answers find themselves to me. And I can live and love and laugh, and feel liberty without emptiness. It could happen.....
I have been told by more than one person that I have a spiritually evolved way about me. I have been told by even more people, how much I have contributed to their lives, and enriched it with my energy. Sometimes strangers I don't even know, they pick up on this energy, and are attracted to it...they don't know why. I do though...
I've tried my best to be a good person, but as humanity goes there is always the break from reality where some hidden part of a person can emerge and reek havoc on the world. Usually driven by fear, hate these moments, though often fleeting, can have a lasting effect. People want to care, they want to love, they want to share, I truly believe they want to do good. And still many make the decision to choose darkness, to choose to complain about their lot, rather than let it go and enjoy the ride. I want to do this. I don't want to be that "guy".
I have found that I complain less lately, ..but that in return, there are no rewards. I have learned that being "good", or "just", or "fair", is not really the goal of the masses. They care only of the things right in front of them, and what others have to offer, .....and more and more less about what they can offer to the world. How sick I feel when I see these people around me.
Im a giver, ....it's true. I've tried to take care of the people around me as best I can. I've tried to support the people I love and hold close....but what do I get in return? ..how trite is that? ...To actually believe there is a reward for goodness is a lie. There are no rewards ...there is only work. That's what it feels like to me. No matter how much I give there is still not the same in return. Am I selfish for wanting something in return for my support. Other than a empty thank-you, ..that is more just manners than actual gratitude.
Ive had to say no to things that actually made me happy, because they vamp my energy and time. I volunteer my time, my energy, my heart, my money, even my family (when they can) to help others in their quest for happiness and fulfillment. To serve a higher purpose...that's who I am, and that's who I want to be.
Over the past six months though I have felt as if I have poured myself out to the world, and the things in it. My friends, my lover, my work, my family...I give to them as much as I can. But the more I give the more others have to take. I just wonder when all this caring and support I am giving is going to pay off.
Most mornings I wake up and I feel low and worthless. Why? I don't want that...yet, there it is. This incredible emptiness, and longing for something of greater worth and status. I want to be in the light, I want to be the righteous and the grateful, I truly do.
Something inside me wants to cower away from the world and the people and things in it and only rely on myself...leave them behind and put the drama aside. Leave the now, and go somewhere where it doesn't matter that I have so much to give, or that others have just as much to give as I do. Or that they have what they need to get through any storm they come across ...like me.
I've been through many storms, and still seem carry on in hope of a sunny day. I have this "faith" inside me that carries on ....Why? (when it's clear others have more to take than give)
I don't know where this post is going actually.... as the title says. "why am I really here"? ...the truth is ...I don't really know. I thought it was to love and live, and laugh and be within liberty. But those things don't make me happy. Love is an incredible amount of work, life even more work...laughing is so much a receding thing. I want to laugh, but am too aware of all the hate, and users. And then sometimes , ..if I don't laugh I will just cry. Being within liberty is a joke, ...for we are all prisoners here, whether we think so or not.
So I am left without a purpose ...a way to happiness, and fulfillment. Just sentenced to live life in the service of spirit, with no reward or release. Seems so empty and meaningless to tire and work towards something that really isn't necessarily real, ...merely a feeling, and knowing, a thought-form deep in the subconscious.
Have I become so lost that I don't even need an answer anymore. Am so far off track that all I can hope for is a break from time to time in the silence of my apartment, where I can just be nothing for just a moment in meditation. I tell you, I feel ten times better being 'nothing' than being something to someone that doesn't understand what is actually being accomplished.
And others say, ...oh you're great, you're awesome, ..you're invaluable, I love you. And it doesn't matter like it used to....I know that there is no rewards now. People say these things , and they bring no solace. They only remind me of how much I give and not get. It's horrible.
It's not about money, or friendship, or family or love. It's about how I feel, ............I feel like shit. I drink alcohol, ...I smoke marijuana in hopes that I will find some relief. I eat healthy, and treat others with respect as much as possible, I listen, I learn and teach what I can. And still no relief...WHY? What is it that is actually missing? ...and if nothing is missing...why am I so much in this negative field. If I have everything I need...why am I so empty???
Someday soon, I hope these answers find themselves to me. And I can live and love and laugh, and feel liberty without emptiness. It could happen.....
Thursday, July 5, 2012
It's been just over two months from my last addition to this blog. I guess somehow inside I found a place where I was not comfortable being negative all the time about my life and the people in it. Also, with my relationship with my 19year old son being initiated, I have been reluctant to "let it out" so to speak. Yet, as they say, "The time has come...!"
The entirety of the last two months, daunting, crazy, revealing, within love, without regret, it has been so many things. I am learning more and more about this thing around me called "The World" and "Life", and also about how we have none/all the control we need in them.
Sometimes people they want to control you and take your power, and skill and capitalize off it. Other times we can find in ourselves the strength, and the power to get things done ...not just our way, but the right way as well. In the times of strength and power I am finding more stability...but I have found also the people that would use me up are closing in.
The majority of effort I've seen and observed from others has been mixed at most. I think people really do want to help and love, and share and dance in life, but they are too scared to. Scared senseless, and ineffectual by the crippling fear of something nobody really knows. It's sad, and in this motion these types of people begin to change. (and not for the better)
And there is also the few, ...the True Lightworkers, working, growing, evolving, sharing their secrets in life to others, building people up, becoming a leader without even being asked, and finding truth in the things they do. These are the types of people that I notice and want to attract.
The weak and fearful that would have me sit in dirt and forget me out of ignorance, vanity? They do not have my vote. People who stuff their pockets and complain about sharing. Who do not really nurture, but find a way to gain from someones vulnerability....sickening.
I don't mind being vulnerable, and out in the open. It is no lie, that I have always worn my heart on my sleeve and yet only cried (until recently) by myself. It's when people find in their vast intelligence, to toy with power and influence in people those states, ...at the same time not providing anything of their own really to build things up.
People have no discipline like they used to. I remember when I was a kid I was very aware that I was not under a lot of parental control, ..and I got myself into a whole heap of trouble. And still I just by the skin of my teeth made it through the trees and into the open air again. Im not proud of everything I have done, nor do I profess that I am perfect. As an adult I have had to rein in discipline and create it for myself. Most of it to bring it all back to basics and bare bones.
I do though aspire to something greater, and within more power. I believe I have control over only my feeling, emotions, behavior. I do not have power over others, and if I did I would give it back. For what is a person if they have no choice to choose? (Not anyone I want to know) I don't want to control others, and never have. The thought of control should be an inner conversation with the Self, ...not with others.
Still though, there are haters out there that will manipulate, lie, cheat, steal and do whatever it takes to get what they want in life and death. There are people that will drain your very soul if you let them in enough. Leaving you feeling as if you have lost a couple pints of blood in a evening or afternoon hour. It's not their fault...they learned to live as a succubus, or incubus even...psychic vampires. Beware.
I am in a battle with these types, ...fighting for love in amongst their hateful grins, and fake smiles. I want us to find the light beyond sight, the True Light ...if it exists. It is not born out of selfishness, or self preservation alone of thyself. It's born out of love, simply and honorably without a doubt, ...of self, of others, and to the unseen, Perfect Love alone within the boarders of Perfect Trust is the only thing that will bring us to Union.
The sooner I get used to that ...the sooner I ll be happier with the lot that is around me.
The entirety of the last two months, daunting, crazy, revealing, within love, without regret, it has been so many things. I am learning more and more about this thing around me called "The World" and "Life", and also about how we have none/all the control we need in them.
Sometimes people they want to control you and take your power, and skill and capitalize off it. Other times we can find in ourselves the strength, and the power to get things done ...not just our way, but the right way as well. In the times of strength and power I am finding more stability...but I have found also the people that would use me up are closing in.
The majority of effort I've seen and observed from others has been mixed at most. I think people really do want to help and love, and share and dance in life, but they are too scared to. Scared senseless, and ineffectual by the crippling fear of something nobody really knows. It's sad, and in this motion these types of people begin to change. (and not for the better)
And there is also the few, ...the True Lightworkers, working, growing, evolving, sharing their secrets in life to others, building people up, becoming a leader without even being asked, and finding truth in the things they do. These are the types of people that I notice and want to attract.
The weak and fearful that would have me sit in dirt and forget me out of ignorance, vanity? They do not have my vote. People who stuff their pockets and complain about sharing. Who do not really nurture, but find a way to gain from someones vulnerability....sickening.
I don't mind being vulnerable, and out in the open. It is no lie, that I have always worn my heart on my sleeve and yet only cried (until recently) by myself. It's when people find in their vast intelligence, to toy with power and influence in people those states, ...at the same time not providing anything of their own really to build things up.
People have no discipline like they used to. I remember when I was a kid I was very aware that I was not under a lot of parental control, ..and I got myself into a whole heap of trouble. And still I just by the skin of my teeth made it through the trees and into the open air again. Im not proud of everything I have done, nor do I profess that I am perfect. As an adult I have had to rein in discipline and create it for myself. Most of it to bring it all back to basics and bare bones.
I do though aspire to something greater, and within more power. I believe I have control over only my feeling, emotions, behavior. I do not have power over others, and if I did I would give it back. For what is a person if they have no choice to choose? (Not anyone I want to know) I don't want to control others, and never have. The thought of control should be an inner conversation with the Self, ...not with others.
Still though, there are haters out there that will manipulate, lie, cheat, steal and do whatever it takes to get what they want in life and death. There are people that will drain your very soul if you let them in enough. Leaving you feeling as if you have lost a couple pints of blood in a evening or afternoon hour. It's not their fault...they learned to live as a succubus, or incubus even...psychic vampires. Beware.
I am in a battle with these types, ...fighting for love in amongst their hateful grins, and fake smiles. I want us to find the light beyond sight, the True Light ...if it exists. It is not born out of selfishness, or self preservation alone of thyself. It's born out of love, simply and honorably without a doubt, ...of self, of others, and to the unseen, Perfect Love alone within the boarders of Perfect Trust is the only thing that will bring us to Union.
The sooner I get used to that ...the sooner I ll be happier with the lot that is around me.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
As I sit here, knowing it's time, and not knowing what to write, I see days and nights pass inside my head. For every night there is most certainly a day, but as we all know in the Northern Hemisphere, days and night are not equal like the are in other places here on earth. Imagine a place where the sun rises and sets every day at the same time...no seasonal affective disorder or wondering what time of day it is by looking up. Seemingly, I would suppose, a place like this would be simpler than the place I am now. And maybe that's what this post is about, ....find things in a simpler form, or rather finding form in simpler things. (you decide)
This blog when it was started became a way to share what was going on for me in some way. But I have found that the writing often didn't touch people in the way that I felt I wanted. It was New Beginnings and changes abound within life that I had to share to support some catharsis. And someone asked me the other day if it did do that, if I did indeed find catharsis...I couldn't answer affirmatively.
I agree that there is some relief in the "now", I cannot say this blog has no purpose towards catharsis, but it's a far cry from full on dealing with the subject. Being in conversation with something inside, and then trying to explain it to close friend, acquaintances, and strangers on FB, ...well, lets just say the message often falls with empty, less willful reactions. (or maybe it's my words that are too subtle). Either way, I learn as I create this blog, but it doesn't solve a thing. Words are most definitely power, ...but not the power people think they are.
I always knew that words had power, or resonance. I used many foreign words of ancient languages in the rituals that I used to perform on a daily basis. I found the energy that could be created by this power and resonance and boy did I find out the consequences for not heading their power with respect. (that's a different story though)
Power, the stuff within that is, is limitless from the Source. There isn't enough thought to even scrape the surface of what is possible with full connection with it. And yet, we all, even me...find ourselves without the things we need; even with this immense and boundless power at our finger tips, we are left hungry and wanting, ..longing and selling our very short lives even shorter with every breath.
I can hardly imagine when the entitled leaders decide that it's time to cash in on their position, ...what will happen then?
Power at our finger tips indeed, more like stolen by the ones with the biggest pockets. I can imagine what type of world there used to be, alive and brimming with SPIRIT and mysticism. Instead of the horrible greed that exists today within the heart of the masses. I wish so much the world would again see Spirit, alive. I fear though that it may be only in my imagination that these things exist.
I've called and in my own way prayed for mercy from the suffering in my life. I've cried wanting the pain to stop, to end, to die. But it still is inside me. ....the cast off of what was marking me. People and places changing meaning, ..losing meaning. All consciously which is the scariest..I actually see myself pulling away and not caring as much. It's pretty awful.
And still, I and everyone else keep plunging alone the road we are on, ..some on the Path, and some NOT. The only thing keeping me from destroying love is the mere fact that I still believe Im on the Path. And the Path has always been one of love from the beginning.
A world of Spirit and Love ...that would be great.
Not all the concentration of possessions, and monetary survival, will bring to the true Gold that exist within your heart. I just snort and laugh at the people that think they have so much to offer and yet give nothing, and take take, all the while stuffing and filling their pockets with what little others have.
I suppose that is why I sit in this apt. all the time, ...there just isn't the type of people around that I can connect with. I connect with some...no lie. Matt, Leanne ...but even my own family seems more strange than common in my eyes lately. I called my Gran the other day...she's 75 in less than a two months along with my Grandad. ...I didn't know how old they were. Just a sign of how dis-connected we are in my family. I don't know where I get my family values from. I always wanted one I guess, ....I wanted a happy one to be fully honest.
But, ...that's over now isn't it? Im not going to have some family with 2.38 children and a dog. The reality is ...Im almost 37, my only child is estranged, along with my ex who birthed him, my father, a dozen or so lovers, and even more friends I have cut the line on over the years. I've got more people that I've met outside my life than I do within it. And all it's got me is peace and quiet. Not happiness, or the love I need, or wealth...all this shedding the old for new space is pretty much useless.
Everyone is concentrated on themselves with little concern for others...
So few actually attempt to empathize, with me or anything...that's why this blog doesn't prove any catharsis.
It's just the insane, and rambling words of a man they don't understand, when all I want is all to believe in something bigger than all of us: the voice from within.
Have a great life if you can, ..and if you can't, you can always bitch about it on your blog online.
<3
This blog when it was started became a way to share what was going on for me in some way. But I have found that the writing often didn't touch people in the way that I felt I wanted. It was New Beginnings and changes abound within life that I had to share to support some catharsis. And someone asked me the other day if it did do that, if I did indeed find catharsis...I couldn't answer affirmatively.
I agree that there is some relief in the "now", I cannot say this blog has no purpose towards catharsis, but it's a far cry from full on dealing with the subject. Being in conversation with something inside, and then trying to explain it to close friend, acquaintances, and strangers on FB, ...well, lets just say the message often falls with empty, less willful reactions. (or maybe it's my words that are too subtle). Either way, I learn as I create this blog, but it doesn't solve a thing. Words are most definitely power, ...but not the power people think they are.
I always knew that words had power, or resonance. I used many foreign words of ancient languages in the rituals that I used to perform on a daily basis. I found the energy that could be created by this power and resonance and boy did I find out the consequences for not heading their power with respect. (that's a different story though)
Power, the stuff within that is, is limitless from the Source. There isn't enough thought to even scrape the surface of what is possible with full connection with it. And yet, we all, even me...find ourselves without the things we need; even with this immense and boundless power at our finger tips, we are left hungry and wanting, ..longing and selling our very short lives even shorter with every breath.
I can hardly imagine when the entitled leaders decide that it's time to cash in on their position, ...what will happen then?
Power at our finger tips indeed, more like stolen by the ones with the biggest pockets. I can imagine what type of world there used to be, alive and brimming with SPIRIT and mysticism. Instead of the horrible greed that exists today within the heart of the masses. I wish so much the world would again see Spirit, alive. I fear though that it may be only in my imagination that these things exist.
I've called and in my own way prayed for mercy from the suffering in my life. I've cried wanting the pain to stop, to end, to die. But it still is inside me. ....the cast off of what was marking me. People and places changing meaning, ..losing meaning. All consciously which is the scariest..I actually see myself pulling away and not caring as much. It's pretty awful.
And still, I and everyone else keep plunging alone the road we are on, ..some on the Path, and some NOT. The only thing keeping me from destroying love is the mere fact that I still believe Im on the Path. And the Path has always been one of love from the beginning.
A world of Spirit and Love ...that would be great.
Not all the concentration of possessions, and monetary survival, will bring to the true Gold that exist within your heart. I just snort and laugh at the people that think they have so much to offer and yet give nothing, and take take, all the while stuffing and filling their pockets with what little others have.
I suppose that is why I sit in this apt. all the time, ...there just isn't the type of people around that I can connect with. I connect with some...no lie. Matt, Leanne ...but even my own family seems more strange than common in my eyes lately. I called my Gran the other day...she's 75 in less than a two months along with my Grandad. ...I didn't know how old they were. Just a sign of how dis-connected we are in my family. I don't know where I get my family values from. I always wanted one I guess, ....I wanted a happy one to be fully honest.
But, ...that's over now isn't it? Im not going to have some family with 2.38 children and a dog. The reality is ...Im almost 37, my only child is estranged, along with my ex who birthed him, my father, a dozen or so lovers, and even more friends I have cut the line on over the years. I've got more people that I've met outside my life than I do within it. And all it's got me is peace and quiet. Not happiness, or the love I need, or wealth...all this shedding the old for new space is pretty much useless.
Everyone is concentrated on themselves with little concern for others...
So few actually attempt to empathize, with me or anything...that's why this blog doesn't prove any catharsis.
It's just the insane, and rambling words of a man they don't understand, when all I want is all to believe in something bigger than all of us: the voice from within.
Have a great life if you can, ..and if you can't, you can always bitch about it on your blog online.
<3
Sunday, April 8, 2012
beginning of the end, or just to start again?
It funny how simple things that people share, in privacy, find their ways to the hearts of the haters. I see good/bad times come and good/bad times go, along with the people in it. I try to smile and keep them not too close as they part ways into their specific future dimensions. The only person we really have until the very end is ourselves, and I suppose that is the cold fact of life.
I'm told the best way to deal with these moments is with compassion, and understanding, mixed with love and empathy, respect for self/others, and a bit of vulnerably to keep it all open . It can be hard to sit by idly, and watch the things we look to for guidance...leave. Though often it's as if I'm pouring out my cup to a canyon, deep and endless in "good-bye". I have mixed remarks on that subject.
I'm also told to avoid regret, and resentment, and that attachment is downfall and evil; I am pretty sure when these come to light I do my very best to step through the darkness, and not hate with these things. And, yet still, it seems not enough...sadly. I am still plagued with sleeplessness over the things past...some wounds they don't heal, ..they just grow and change us from within.
Some people will still live their hateful ego driven lives..I can't stop them. How do they cope with their reflection? I ask myself.. ( They attach to the fear, and that fear transits to hate; they throw love to the dogs, and their compassion for even themselves is lost somewhere. I know, because, I've done it countless times. )
I don't live like that many days anymore...I would be lying if I said I was perfect, and so would you reading this if you claimed the same. That being said: many brilliant things can happen when someone, somewhere, at the right time ...makes that best mistake, and in return finds the ultimate answer. I've been hoping to do this and see the thing that I really am missing, and it looks like the mistakes I am making are teaching in their special, and also secret ways. I truly am the happiest I can be, in the now at least...is it wrong that I want to achieve more?
It's not about self love anymore, ...I'm pretty sure I think I'm great. And I'm absolutely sure that there is a number of people close to me that feel the same; in their own personal ways, and some more than others, they realize that I totally own my human roots, regardless of it's fault. I am able to admit my trespasses...but with forgiveness comes a bounty of "consequences".
I am learning more and more that dwelling less on the forgiveness of errors is a path to enlightenment. Sometimes we have to take our lessons and not keep the teacher. I know that I have in many situations...most of the teachers I have had have left; or become something unappealing, and therefore without real guidance towards beauty, been set aside. Teachers are complicated.
Some of my thoughts are bringing me closer to an answer that will spring board me through the next decade. And some things tie me down, I was never told that being an adult was thing complicated. Balancing it all: Compassion, Understanding, Empathy, Love, Spirituality, Respect, Trust, Vulnerability....it's quite the bur-goo to swallow when surrounded by ...well, you know..the rest of them, the Masses.
To the Lightworkers out there: the time is now, lets change the world to light again. Keep fighting for righteousness, warriors and ancient ancestors, we will have Union again.
I'm told the best way to deal with these moments is with compassion, and understanding, mixed with love and empathy, respect for self/others, and a bit of vulnerably to keep it all open . It can be hard to sit by idly, and watch the things we look to for guidance...leave. Though often it's as if I'm pouring out my cup to a canyon, deep and endless in "good-bye". I have mixed remarks on that subject.
I'm also told to avoid regret, and resentment, and that attachment is downfall and evil; I am pretty sure when these come to light I do my very best to step through the darkness, and not hate with these things. And, yet still, it seems not enough...sadly. I am still plagued with sleeplessness over the things past...some wounds they don't heal, ..they just grow and change us from within.
Some people will still live their hateful ego driven lives..I can't stop them. How do they cope with their reflection? I ask myself.. ( They attach to the fear, and that fear transits to hate; they throw love to the dogs, and their compassion for even themselves is lost somewhere. I know, because, I've done it countless times. )
I don't live like that many days anymore...I would be lying if I said I was perfect, and so would you reading this if you claimed the same. That being said: many brilliant things can happen when someone, somewhere, at the right time ...makes that best mistake, and in return finds the ultimate answer. I've been hoping to do this and see the thing that I really am missing, and it looks like the mistakes I am making are teaching in their special, and also secret ways. I truly am the happiest I can be, in the now at least...is it wrong that I want to achieve more?
It's not about self love anymore, ...I'm pretty sure I think I'm great. And I'm absolutely sure that there is a number of people close to me that feel the same; in their own personal ways, and some more than others, they realize that I totally own my human roots, regardless of it's fault. I am able to admit my trespasses...but with forgiveness comes a bounty of "consequences".
I am learning more and more that dwelling less on the forgiveness of errors is a path to enlightenment. Sometimes we have to take our lessons and not keep the teacher. I know that I have in many situations...most of the teachers I have had have left; or become something unappealing, and therefore without real guidance towards beauty, been set aside. Teachers are complicated.
Some of my thoughts are bringing me closer to an answer that will spring board me through the next decade. And some things tie me down, I was never told that being an adult was thing complicated. Balancing it all: Compassion, Understanding, Empathy, Love, Spirituality, Respect, Trust, Vulnerability....it's quite the bur-goo to swallow when surrounded by ...well, you know..the rest of them, the Masses.
To the Lightworkers out there: the time is now, lets change the world to light again. Keep fighting for righteousness, warriors and ancient ancestors, we will have Union again.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
more growing
Just past there was a pretty strong Full Moon in Virgo, being a Virgo Sun Sign myself I was feeling pretty balance the actual day of the moon full illumination, yet as the waning moon draws that illumination away, ...I see an incredible wave of energy. My phone, which had until recently been quite understated in incoming calls, began to ring and suddenly there was an aggressive energy happening...
People are finding that in the contemporary world we have to face our fears more; and I believe, as a society there is a certain maturity that is building on itself. As we all become more informed outside our own worlds with internet, technology, art, philosophy...even new spirituality is within our grasp these days. Churches made with meta-physical doctrines, teaching us "the law of attraction" and more. I wonder where we can go when we learn again the ancient wisdom.
I feel sometimes, that lightworkers and darkness are both ruled by the planetary energy, harmonics affected on by galactic shifts, planetary shifts. Solar flares lighting up our very Arctic here on Earth with the Northern Lights. Both sides, they are feeling the pull of the edge that so delicately balances them. Our duality is fading possibly? ....does HUMANITY blend is the question? I think, "Yes."
The answer is inevitable. We are, as the Mayans believe, all heading towards Union. For the lightworker it is as much to maintain as it is for the the darkness to oppose the light. And I am a strong believer that the War will one day be over here on Earth...when we choose it. Not just individually for our own personal futures, ..but when governments become needless and military as well, in different ways other than managing resources for the elimination of humans in war and so on.
I wonder what type of technology we will find here in 50 years, and if any of it is really for the benefit of human life, and not made to destroy it in some way..?
I suppose, there will always be people that want to take and destroy; people that want to walk on others, (...good people that aren't hurting anyone.) I never got how someone that is full of ignorance is given the most trust in society. I guess some people just don't want the responsibility of living life "presently" and think of only conquest for there reward, and not love. I also suppose, that there are people that "just want to burn it all down". I'm not inclined that way, myself, personally. If you've read this far into this blog, I highly doubt you are either.
It's good that we are growing, it's even better that today we can be grateful for some past triumphs. If you're reading this, maybe you do have bigger questions in life, and not just take it all at face value. I know many people that choose honey over vinegar and find the most out of life, within and without.
I choose to keep these type of people close to me. When I see the shadows ..they are in the rear view for the most part, and for that I am also grateful. Look around people there's more than war, and being in greed, and being just plain lazy in life/work/play. I hope we can all try harder. I know I want to , ....and succeed most days at trying harder. We will all get there one day: that place of secret and divine brilliance.
Love you all so much for being the best when you're the best, and still you when you're at your worst. Let's forgive ourselves and stop the chain of lies/fear. Have a great week.
People are finding that in the contemporary world we have to face our fears more; and I believe, as a society there is a certain maturity that is building on itself. As we all become more informed outside our own worlds with internet, technology, art, philosophy...even new spirituality is within our grasp these days. Churches made with meta-physical doctrines, teaching us "the law of attraction" and more. I wonder where we can go when we learn again the ancient wisdom.
I feel sometimes, that lightworkers and darkness are both ruled by the planetary energy, harmonics affected on by galactic shifts, planetary shifts. Solar flares lighting up our very Arctic here on Earth with the Northern Lights. Both sides, they are feeling the pull of the edge that so delicately balances them. Our duality is fading possibly? ....does HUMANITY blend is the question? I think, "Yes."
The answer is inevitable. We are, as the Mayans believe, all heading towards Union. For the lightworker it is as much to maintain as it is for the the darkness to oppose the light. And I am a strong believer that the War will one day be over here on Earth...when we choose it. Not just individually for our own personal futures, ..but when governments become needless and military as well, in different ways other than managing resources for the elimination of humans in war and so on.
I wonder what type of technology we will find here in 50 years, and if any of it is really for the benefit of human life, and not made to destroy it in some way..?
I suppose, there will always be people that want to take and destroy; people that want to walk on others, (...good people that aren't hurting anyone.) I never got how someone that is full of ignorance is given the most trust in society. I guess some people just don't want the responsibility of living life "presently" and think of only conquest for there reward, and not love. I also suppose, that there are people that "just want to burn it all down". I'm not inclined that way, myself, personally. If you've read this far into this blog, I highly doubt you are either.
It's good that we are growing, it's even better that today we can be grateful for some past triumphs. If you're reading this, maybe you do have bigger questions in life, and not just take it all at face value. I know many people that choose honey over vinegar and find the most out of life, within and without.
I choose to keep these type of people close to me. When I see the shadows ..they are in the rear view for the most part, and for that I am also grateful. Look around people there's more than war, and being in greed, and being just plain lazy in life/work/play. I hope we can all try harder. I know I want to , ....and succeed most days at trying harder. We will all get there one day: that place of secret and divine brilliance.
Love you all so much for being the best when you're the best, and still you when you're at your worst. Let's forgive ourselves and stop the chain of lies/fear. Have a great week.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Spreading the Word
Some people talk to me about my blog once in a while, some say that they don't always agree with what I'm writing, but, that the very fact I'm sharing is enough to keep them reading. I won't make any qualms about the fact that this can often be a venting place, somewhere to get it out in the open: the facts of being Stewie. I wish more people could share with me in this project, if it can even be called that anymore...
I understand that most people are private and need some sort of autonomy in there everyday lives, environments, relationships. I mean after all open up with the secrets behind the veil of the body, and into the depths of the mind, feeling, emotion it can scary. People don't want to know the truth, that's what's really bothering me most of the time. It makes me even more annoyed when I realize I'm doing it as well: keeping my distance in a hope of survival inside detachment.
My brother the other day mentioned that that is how the both of us have made it as far as we have...we were born with survival instincts from our pedigree and upbringing. Nobody has it easy, that is certain, Phil and I are an exact example of hard knocks...both of us with some interesting stories for sure hiding beneath the surface of politeness, and manners.
I'm learning though the greatest way to find safety though, is to truly let yourself fall; not all the way into oblivion, but deeper into pure will and trust. I'm learning the greatest way to find strength is to be vulnerable. Putting myself in the way of wind and toil and trouble, and let belief, faith, trust, love guide me.
I may not always look it when I'm bothered by something I'm passionate about, or for some reason I had expectations that did not find manifestation. I know though that even in my dark moments there is something in me that is not in a lot of people. Some call it a sparkle in the eye, or gifted. I believe my Mother said once that even as a small child I was "touched". (Early in my life I had a near death experience...ask me about it if your interested)
This piece of me that has evolved into the person you know today and to whomever is out there, even in my darkness and sometimes veritable hate for the material world. I know deep inside that we are all heading towards love and understanding. That's when we will have be united with our source of life and even maybe consciousness. Who can really say what happens when our lights go out? None...
I come home from work some nights and I am boggled by the sheer ridiculousness of humanity and it's immaturity. How can we be heading to the divine as we exist now? (I ask myself this, and I wonder if I will be always inside it's grasp) I guess we all get lost in our particular orbits, and circles, and cycles. And still though, we have more consequence than reward says my boyfriend. Why?
We may never know for sure, ...does it matter?
I know I am loved, I am not alone, and neither are any of us reading this. We are all within reach of something close to our hearts when we make it important enough. If we seek our ends with trust and love, we will find it.
Thank you all for being here with me. It feels real, and within my world when even in my silent apartment, I am found.
I understand that most people are private and need some sort of autonomy in there everyday lives, environments, relationships. I mean after all open up with the secrets behind the veil of the body, and into the depths of the mind, feeling, emotion it can scary. People don't want to know the truth, that's what's really bothering me most of the time. It makes me even more annoyed when I realize I'm doing it as well: keeping my distance in a hope of survival inside detachment.
My brother the other day mentioned that that is how the both of us have made it as far as we have...we were born with survival instincts from our pedigree and upbringing. Nobody has it easy, that is certain, Phil and I are an exact example of hard knocks...both of us with some interesting stories for sure hiding beneath the surface of politeness, and manners.
I'm learning though the greatest way to find safety though, is to truly let yourself fall; not all the way into oblivion, but deeper into pure will and trust. I'm learning the greatest way to find strength is to be vulnerable. Putting myself in the way of wind and toil and trouble, and let belief, faith, trust, love guide me.
I may not always look it when I'm bothered by something I'm passionate about, or for some reason I had expectations that did not find manifestation. I know though that even in my dark moments there is something in me that is not in a lot of people. Some call it a sparkle in the eye, or gifted. I believe my Mother said once that even as a small child I was "touched". (Early in my life I had a near death experience...ask me about it if your interested)
This piece of me that has evolved into the person you know today and to whomever is out there, even in my darkness and sometimes veritable hate for the material world. I know deep inside that we are all heading towards love and understanding. That's when we will have be united with our source of life and even maybe consciousness. Who can really say what happens when our lights go out? None...
I come home from work some nights and I am boggled by the sheer ridiculousness of humanity and it's immaturity. How can we be heading to the divine as we exist now? (I ask myself this, and I wonder if I will be always inside it's grasp) I guess we all get lost in our particular orbits, and circles, and cycles. And still though, we have more consequence than reward says my boyfriend. Why?
We may never know for sure, ...does it matter?
I know I am loved, I am not alone, and neither are any of us reading this. We are all within reach of something close to our hearts when we make it important enough. If we seek our ends with trust and love, we will find it.
Thank you all for being here with me. It feels real, and within my world when even in my silent apartment, I am found.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Where we are in the now
Often, the masters teach that the now is the place of divine reality, and I have no argument with that. Yet still, I find that there can also be value in other tenses of being, for certain there are more ways to look at now than there is to look at the past/future. Consciousness, mixed with awareness, and a healthy helping of will can go a long way when sorting through the pages of "what's happening". Lets not forget it's not just what's happening on the outside, it happens also within.
There's no thing more important that this being and the now. It comes to basics as the place where not only things happen, but also the place where all things have led to, and furthermore the place where all moments are leading toward. This may be elementary semantic fodder for some, but within it's simple nature, many have lost the ability to stay in the now. (including myself on some occasions...without gratitude).
There's plenty of ways to stay present, and even more ways to lose ones focus, yet the the strongest way to stay in the present is to not give up, no matter how impossible it may seem to the mind. I assure you within reason, and sometimes without it, there are few obstacles to man, the body is quite durable.
A Sensai in martial arts will tell you that the training is 90%mind and 10%body. I've practiced some martial arts, not a lot, and I have found that this little nugget of information quite true to fact. It is the mind that usually gives up first in a conflict, and it is our minds that keep us from being in the now fully and completely. Our distraction from those things that really do matter, whichever they are, is getting larger and larger everyday. If one can hold onto the now without getting lost in ego attachment and distraction there are no limits that we cannot cross.
We take the motion toward the future each breath, and as we decide where we want to go we create, we live. Bring unconditional love, and acceptance to a new experience, or even every experience, and realizing the now comes into sight. How is it that so many choose to see shadows rather than the now, I may never really know, or perhaps may know and not share.
What I do know is that love is changing me, as I get closer to this place I have been manifesting, I see what I am capable of. A lot of my family talk to me about the "future", and how I'm going to provide for myself in my later years. I had another friend of mine tell me that she always found it funny that I was under the belief that there is always more or something, whether it was money, or food, or some material object. And I told them all the same thing:
"The Universe will provide what I need."
Maybe this is naive, maybe I am out of touch with reality, maybe I just don't want to believe my own mortality. Whichever the case is, one thing is clear, and there is is no mistake in this... the Universe has always provided me with a place be healthy. It was my avarice that brought me to my down times. When I was taking more than I was giving to some, and thinking more than doing with myself, and letting the others take what little I had left away, it was always my choice. I know that now, I didn't before.
Maybe I was herded there by my upbringing, or dysfunctional family life, and lack of knowledge. Maybe I just didn't care enough about myself to make a "better future" for myself. I didn't have a lot to go on to tell the truth, I was poorly prepared for what happened after graduation in 1993 when my son was born.
Those are the shadows I talk about, ...things I have forgiven myself for, and apologized when needed/asked/necessary. I may not like everyone, and I may not get along with everyone, either, and yet I can have respect for everyone even without knowing them, seeing them, or even meeting them.
Living in the now requires that we respect the now, and understand (or rather attempt to understand) its power and value. Just as every person and opinion has power, so does the now. Each person, and each moment is totally unique, like a snowflake. Distinct from all others, into eternity and infinity; each moment is a new fixture for the records of time, and we are all creating it simultaneously in the now here on Planet Earth.
Let the now begin within you and without, with love. That's my final word. Forget what isn't serving, and follow positivity to your success...give more, even if you have nothing more but a smile, or a hug. Contribute to your happiness by sharing it with people; people that "get it" will be with you at your side. The people that "don't" ...let them learn at their own pace. (The greatest way to educate is through personal demonstration. I've learned this from the best/worst)
Happy New Year Everyone
There's no thing more important that this being and the now. It comes to basics as the place where not only things happen, but also the place where all things have led to, and furthermore the place where all moments are leading toward. This may be elementary semantic fodder for some, but within it's simple nature, many have lost the ability to stay in the now. (including myself on some occasions...without gratitude).
There's plenty of ways to stay present, and even more ways to lose ones focus, yet the the strongest way to stay in the present is to not give up, no matter how impossible it may seem to the mind. I assure you within reason, and sometimes without it, there are few obstacles to man, the body is quite durable.
A Sensai in martial arts will tell you that the training is 90%mind and 10%body. I've practiced some martial arts, not a lot, and I have found that this little nugget of information quite true to fact. It is the mind that usually gives up first in a conflict, and it is our minds that keep us from being in the now fully and completely. Our distraction from those things that really do matter, whichever they are, is getting larger and larger everyday. If one can hold onto the now without getting lost in ego attachment and distraction there are no limits that we cannot cross.
We take the motion toward the future each breath, and as we decide where we want to go we create, we live. Bring unconditional love, and acceptance to a new experience, or even every experience, and realizing the now comes into sight. How is it that so many choose to see shadows rather than the now, I may never really know, or perhaps may know and not share.
What I do know is that love is changing me, as I get closer to this place I have been manifesting, I see what I am capable of. A lot of my family talk to me about the "future", and how I'm going to provide for myself in my later years. I had another friend of mine tell me that she always found it funny that I was under the belief that there is always more or something, whether it was money, or food, or some material object. And I told them all the same thing:
"The Universe will provide what I need."
Maybe this is naive, maybe I am out of touch with reality, maybe I just don't want to believe my own mortality. Whichever the case is, one thing is clear, and there is is no mistake in this... the Universe has always provided me with a place be healthy. It was my avarice that brought me to my down times. When I was taking more than I was giving to some, and thinking more than doing with myself, and letting the others take what little I had left away, it was always my choice. I know that now, I didn't before.
Maybe I was herded there by my upbringing, or dysfunctional family life, and lack of knowledge. Maybe I just didn't care enough about myself to make a "better future" for myself. I didn't have a lot to go on to tell the truth, I was poorly prepared for what happened after graduation in 1993 when my son was born.
Those are the shadows I talk about, ...things I have forgiven myself for, and apologized when needed/asked/necessary. I may not like everyone, and I may not get along with everyone, either, and yet I can have respect for everyone even without knowing them, seeing them, or even meeting them.
Living in the now requires that we respect the now, and understand (or rather attempt to understand) its power and value. Just as every person and opinion has power, so does the now. Each person, and each moment is totally unique, like a snowflake. Distinct from all others, into eternity and infinity; each moment is a new fixture for the records of time, and we are all creating it simultaneously in the now here on Planet Earth.
Let the now begin within you and without, with love. That's my final word. Forget what isn't serving, and follow positivity to your success...give more, even if you have nothing more but a smile, or a hug. Contribute to your happiness by sharing it with people; people that "get it" will be with you at your side. The people that "don't" ...let them learn at their own pace. (The greatest way to educate is through personal demonstration. I've learned this from the best/worst)
Happy New Year Everyone
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