I have this friend; we've been close for over 20years, after starting out as boyfriend/girlfriend we became very good friends. I don't see her often, ...but I see what she does in this world everyday. I see how she puts her own needs aside, I see how she helps those in need, and also teaches others the lessons that she has learned herself. I've often looked to her for answers, ..but sadly, she rarely gives me one. This is not a mistake on her part, but rather a reminder to "keep" my own truth and find the answer for myself. I've never liked that part of our relationship.
What I do like though is the amount of love this person has for the people around her. In my opinion, this girls has been through some pretty scary stuff. Her family to say the least is "colorful" and full of dynamic energy. Her twin brother is a successful musician, and her parents are divorced, but both very much a part of her life and her childrens life as well. Everyone in that family really sticking in to fight for the freedom, honor, and love that they all work for. Im very proud to be a part of her life in the little bits that I get to share.
Recently, her best friends child has been very sick with a super rare form of cancer; a cancer so rare only 4 people, up until now, have been diagnosed, in Canada, with this type of cancer. A blow to the confidence of his parents, Im sure, as they mull about the possibility of burying their child, if he doesn't recover. No parent looks at their life and expects this thing, this couple equally so, I assume.
But that is not what this is about...
My friend, who loves here besty fully, has come to the aid of this family, and organized, planned and hosted a number of "fundraising events"...everything from perogie sales, to garages sales, pub nights, and even haircuts, all to help this family keep their son, and keep their love intact. It's amazing what one person can do when they have the motivation to do it. Im sure my friend doesn't do it all alone, but she has spearheaded this project and made thousands of dollars to help this boy not succumb to his disease. It really gives me hope.
I'd love to say that I have given my support to my friend and offered my assistance in her mission to save this boys life. But, what I haven't told you yet, is that this child is the child of one of my most biggest bullies from grade school into high school. And though that ended 20 years ago, I cannot yet let go of the hurt that person brought me, ..the constant fear this person created in me, the constant hate he threw in my direction, ...causing me literal pain both in my heart and my body, as he would hit and pick on me incessantly.
I can't say that I am smug in any way about what is happening to his child. I cannot say that I would be in forgiveness of his trespassing s in my life either. ...and that is what this is about. Why?
Why, after so many years, cannot I find forgiveness for this man, even as his own son is suffering from cancer? Am I so full of hate and resentment to him that I have become the thing that I never thought possible...the perpetrator of evil. I cannot help but see the Universe working to show him what he can lose through his own evil. (in the past)
It disgusts me that I have these thoughts, these feeling towards a man I have not shared one word with in twenty years. I want to let go of the evil, the hate, the resentment. But, in my life, forgiveness is something that is of a request...not just a idle doing in turn to help the pain go away. How can I forgive those years without this person asking for it. He doesn't care about my forgiveness, I don't expect that on any level...and yet I feel that there is a need for me to let go of all of it.
It's put me into a sense of no comfortableness ...how can I wish this boy who is sick a good life, when I secretly wish his father was in as much pain as his father caused me. This, I believe, may be all a part of me finding compassion in the now. And I do have compassion for the boy and his mother, ...they have done me no wrong. In fact his mother was very kind to me at a party I was at this past holiday season at my friends place. So many conflicting emotions, thoughts, feelings.
Essentially, this situation has nothing to do with me, ...my friend and I don't see each other much, I never see my bully, and this boy, I have never met. So why am I so attached to the past?
I will put it to this...when I graduated in 1993, I became very sick with schizophrenia from two bad hits of LSD. I didn't have the support that this boy had, ...I ended up in a very dark place in life, ...and nobody caught my fall. I had to break out of the shadow, on my own, and fight my way back into the light/life of the Sun. I cannot let go of the past because "I" didn't have the support that this boy has. Im not jealous or even envious of his support. I actually in my own way am routing for everything to be alright in the end. I want this boy to live, and experience the world of JOY. Something I have found myself to be so very very hard to find.
It's not about what happened to me, ...or what happened in my days while i lived in Chilliwack. It's about having compassion and loving frogiveness , ...even in the face of perceived evil. That is my lesson.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Friday, May 31, 2013
Writings and within..
Been a long time since the last entry into this blog, ..I suppose in the last four weeks I have been taking a different road, and a more private one as well. I have started this project and the results are coming by the numbers and quick. This week in the project, I am on "reading deprivation" ...so naturally on day four of the week ahead, ...I turn to my pen by those same numbers, ...I'm much more accustomed to writing anyways.
...I'm not sure what will be happening next week but it's still interesting being cut off from facebook an texting, researching, ...I wanted to look up this rock the other day that was giving me vibes at Amethyst Creations on 4th and Macdonald, ..but had to put it on a list of to do , ..once the reading dep. is done. Images are coming quicker with the new work I'm doing, ..and Im writing everyday for the last month up to 5 pages most of those days , ..and sometimes much more than that, and rarely less. I have been growing and looking within to find answers, and those answers, which I set as goals, ...gently are revealed.
I am hopeful that the continued program in the next 8weeks proves more and more into the well of my creative, as they put it. And even as I traverse these weeks with many faces of family and laughter, ..it's in the quite moments I'm writing that I truly begin to understand more and more, what I am, who I am and what I have come from, ...I worry sometimes, ...but more or less often than not, I a kept inside some feelings of relief and solace: a thing that doesn't always put it's name on my tongue, but when it does, it so healing and positive.
I am moving toward further healing, ...keeping close to myself and finding new areas inside that I have not necessarily been in much contact with. Fears, ..dormant, hidden. Joys, ...equally behind a veil. Both of them in some tidal push towards happiness in the things I do in my life. And I am finding air to breath more and more, ..and those dark thoughts that used to plague me at sleep time while I lie awake, they are gone. And my life is not perfect, and that's just fine, ..because I realize and and recognize that there is a great gift that I have, ...that I have worked to keep safe through-out my entire life.
Maybe I live in a bit of a fantasy about , ...past lives, and star crossed lovers. But I can love still, where some have lost the ability. It's so much a part of me these dreams and images, that I cannot deny their meaning and force. I know that within me there is a place where I am the one that is making creation, just as everyone does. And this reduces no energy or flow to the Universe in turn to that meaning I have found.
I have an entire story of how and why I am here, and it's quite the doozy, ...yet, be still, and remember the powers of Belief. They show so many faces of control, and grace....but when we release what we believe...? What happens?
The powers of Belief can truly raise us up, and cast us aside,...I suppose I have sometimes forgotten my beliefs and gave into some transgression. Some may even look at me as an apologist, but if we cannot be humble enough to accept our responsibilities, and give credit, or accolades if due, where are we going to find honor in ourselves as we look in the mirror. Surely integrity is included in the quest to have balance, and favor and also give room for a current and forthright forgiveness if it is asked of us. Most I have found don't ever even bother to really give a proper apology.
I was watching a you tube video about this professor and his Last Lecture. There were a ton of juicy little tid bits in the video to keep one interested. But one thing was on this video that stuck out to me. and it was about apologies. The exist in three Parts: The first being the "sorry" part and expressing it, ..the second including responsibility for the actions, and thirdly (and this is the important part for me) offering to restitution by some deed or sort of reaction in turn for the transgression. People have forgotten this simple process in their cool needs for ego and pride.
It really is such a shame that apologist are looked down upon by some sorts or intellectuals. They themselves in their cynicism probably sucking the people around them dry as a bone for any water or LIFE. Not saying apologetic natures are the only way to "fix" the problems of the world, little and large, we often forget in our ego and pride that there is certainly always a solution to every obstacle. I have just found that there is little forgiving, because people fail to properly ask for it, often they just remove the actual event from history through denial and worse...sad.
Yet, ...as one, I don't feel any shame. I have apologized to myself for the things that I have done wrong to myself, ...and I have attempted mostly to find balance with the people and things that I have hurt in my past, ..things I loved, and still do somewhere. There were of a lot of heavy to tackle conversations in my life in the past and the presents as well. All coming closer to the thing that is object of desire...Happiness. This is what we are all looking for right? ..Joy, Ecstasy, Compassion, Giving, Gratitude? Non?
Im glad I know what it is that I am wanting for....hopefully one day we all will be able to be on the foundations of the Stars and be connected with something bigger than what we are now. Something that can be in all moments, in Peace and Balance. A guy can dream...
...I'm not sure what will be happening next week but it's still interesting being cut off from facebook an texting, researching, ...I wanted to look up this rock the other day that was giving me vibes at Amethyst Creations on 4th and Macdonald, ..but had to put it on a list of to do , ..once the reading dep. is done. Images are coming quicker with the new work I'm doing, ..and Im writing everyday for the last month up to 5 pages most of those days , ..and sometimes much more than that, and rarely less. I have been growing and looking within to find answers, and those answers, which I set as goals, ...gently are revealed.
I am hopeful that the continued program in the next 8weeks proves more and more into the well of my creative, as they put it. And even as I traverse these weeks with many faces of family and laughter, ..it's in the quite moments I'm writing that I truly begin to understand more and more, what I am, who I am and what I have come from, ...I worry sometimes, ...but more or less often than not, I a kept inside some feelings of relief and solace: a thing that doesn't always put it's name on my tongue, but when it does, it so healing and positive.
I am moving toward further healing, ...keeping close to myself and finding new areas inside that I have not necessarily been in much contact with. Fears, ..dormant, hidden. Joys, ...equally behind a veil. Both of them in some tidal push towards happiness in the things I do in my life. And I am finding air to breath more and more, ..and those dark thoughts that used to plague me at sleep time while I lie awake, they are gone. And my life is not perfect, and that's just fine, ..because I realize and and recognize that there is a great gift that I have, ...that I have worked to keep safe through-out my entire life.
Maybe I live in a bit of a fantasy about , ...past lives, and star crossed lovers. But I can love still, where some have lost the ability. It's so much a part of me these dreams and images, that I cannot deny their meaning and force. I know that within me there is a place where I am the one that is making creation, just as everyone does. And this reduces no energy or flow to the Universe in turn to that meaning I have found.
I have an entire story of how and why I am here, and it's quite the doozy, ...yet, be still, and remember the powers of Belief. They show so many faces of control, and grace....but when we release what we believe...? What happens?
The powers of Belief can truly raise us up, and cast us aside,...I suppose I have sometimes forgotten my beliefs and gave into some transgression. Some may even look at me as an apologist, but if we cannot be humble enough to accept our responsibilities, and give credit, or accolades if due, where are we going to find honor in ourselves as we look in the mirror. Surely integrity is included in the quest to have balance, and favor and also give room for a current and forthright forgiveness if it is asked of us. Most I have found don't ever even bother to really give a proper apology.
I was watching a you tube video about this professor and his Last Lecture. There were a ton of juicy little tid bits in the video to keep one interested. But one thing was on this video that stuck out to me. and it was about apologies. The exist in three Parts: The first being the "sorry" part and expressing it, ..the second including responsibility for the actions, and thirdly (and this is the important part for me) offering to restitution by some deed or sort of reaction in turn for the transgression. People have forgotten this simple process in their cool needs for ego and pride.
It really is such a shame that apologist are looked down upon by some sorts or intellectuals. They themselves in their cynicism probably sucking the people around them dry as a bone for any water or LIFE. Not saying apologetic natures are the only way to "fix" the problems of the world, little and large, we often forget in our ego and pride that there is certainly always a solution to every obstacle. I have just found that there is little forgiving, because people fail to properly ask for it, often they just remove the actual event from history through denial and worse...sad.
Yet, ...as one, I don't feel any shame. I have apologized to myself for the things that I have done wrong to myself, ...and I have attempted mostly to find balance with the people and things that I have hurt in my past, ..things I loved, and still do somewhere. There were of a lot of heavy to tackle conversations in my life in the past and the presents as well. All coming closer to the thing that is object of desire...Happiness. This is what we are all looking for right? ..Joy, Ecstasy, Compassion, Giving, Gratitude? Non?
Im glad I know what it is that I am wanting for....hopefully one day we all will be able to be on the foundations of the Stars and be connected with something bigger than what we are now. Something that can be in all moments, in Peace and Balance. A guy can dream...
Sunday, April 21, 2013
We learn through error.
Im certain there's a better way to be happy than just serving the higher intentions? .........or is there? lately, somebody (me) seems to be the one dropping the ball in some peoples eyes, it's hard to excite the things I look up to with respect, maybe they are just tired those things. so much Work ahead, with only my inside voice as the real teacher. I see a lot of cool stares...oh wait, that's a mirror.
Why am I failing in these people eyes? (including my own)
I feel the draw of energy, ..I feel the pull of gravity, and knowing inside heart. Yet, somehow that feeling of belonging doesn't always make a lot of sense inside my brain. I see disconnection in myself, even when there is knowledge of Unity inter laced between my fractured waves of thought.
I know where I'm supposed to be,...Im there some moments. I feel a sense of urgency, ..but have fumbled so greatly that I can hardly begin without feeling the emotions of fear grow. How do we really grow past fear?...I mean, it's so impressed in our daily lives, how do we escape it forever? Maybe we need to face those fears, ...hopefully identify and eventually control it. But methods to means are not always clear, and when they are clear, it seems that there is things in my life that draw me away from my source. I don't want that, but there it is.
I try to be patient, and kind, and tolerate this place, and myself. But honestly, there's a part of me that is so done, and over the drama of living, the constant struggle for sustenance, and food for our souls, minds, bodies. Are we ever truly fed? Will we as a society every truly be "earth quenched ineffably into eternity?"
or will we Die? leaving cities and countrysides bare of humanity, to grow into disrepair and neglect like the weakest in our ranks? When do we find it, that thing, that changes us? ...And when we find it...I want us to be able to hold it, and be in being with it. Not to just be a moving body of light, on a body of light, in a body of light, moving to a body of light.. but a acquisition of force and conscious fixed thought. When will we build this as our strength, and not weapons/devices of fear/war/hate...?
We really all need to be working together, and sometimes I see it, ...mixing energies, finding solution and dissolution of negativity, I want to have it everyday ...every moment, ...but it's all it flux, ..man.....drives me to insanity to always be the bending reed, the passive, the tolerant, the patient, the kind. And know, in my deepest sense, that those things that I live and breathe, and foster...
...well, not everyone thinks like that...many are rigid, with no yielding, or care. Caught in their own senses, with little empathy, and boundless benevolence, seeking nothing but gratification. They force, and push, and pull away in ego, leaving often with no dignity or reason to anger. Again tripped out on the sensation of their wanting, obsession, and avarice. Leaving everything upturned in their effort to satisfy their needs.
I have often compromised my basic needs for others, in an effort to "get along" and "respect". But truly what respect is there in denying oneself the voice to find those things that are important to ones soul. I am grateful for my gifts, but I do not use them to the potential that would be necessary for any moment of peace. I am sad to say that conflict seems to be a parasite to my growing. Secretly I think there is a part of me that knows what will happen if I achieve the things of my dreams. Maybe it's that I will have to make new ones...and imagine a whole new space of existence.
I wish we all could all dream big , ....get it together. So close, inside the distance, between hearts; I will find the love I seek when it is the right time. Until then, as my besty would say ... nonnegotiable self care. For me ..that means, ..meditation, writing, exercise, wellness, healthy diet and work ahead in the schedule. There is no other choice than to forge forward, turning back is not an option. ...thankfully.
Im not afraid to fail anymore, and not so thankfully, failures can be burdensome; especially when they occur in communication, these points need to be admonished and forgiven. Truly the path to enlightenment begins with forgiving the past transgressions of self, not just the ones of others. When we find out selves worthy, we can do this...
I
Why am I failing in these people eyes? (including my own)
I feel the draw of energy, ..I feel the pull of gravity, and knowing inside heart. Yet, somehow that feeling of belonging doesn't always make a lot of sense inside my brain. I see disconnection in myself, even when there is knowledge of Unity inter laced between my fractured waves of thought.
I know where I'm supposed to be,...Im there some moments. I feel a sense of urgency, ..but have fumbled so greatly that I can hardly begin without feeling the emotions of fear grow. How do we really grow past fear?...I mean, it's so impressed in our daily lives, how do we escape it forever? Maybe we need to face those fears, ...hopefully identify and eventually control it. But methods to means are not always clear, and when they are clear, it seems that there is things in my life that draw me away from my source. I don't want that, but there it is.
I try to be patient, and kind, and tolerate this place, and myself. But honestly, there's a part of me that is so done, and over the drama of living, the constant struggle for sustenance, and food for our souls, minds, bodies. Are we ever truly fed? Will we as a society every truly be "earth quenched ineffably into eternity?"
or will we Die? leaving cities and countrysides bare of humanity, to grow into disrepair and neglect like the weakest in our ranks? When do we find it, that thing, that changes us? ...And when we find it...I want us to be able to hold it, and be in being with it. Not to just be a moving body of light, on a body of light, in a body of light, moving to a body of light.. but a acquisition of force and conscious fixed thought. When will we build this as our strength, and not weapons/devices of fear/war/hate...?
We really all need to be working together, and sometimes I see it, ...mixing energies, finding solution and dissolution of negativity, I want to have it everyday ...every moment, ...but it's all it flux, ..man.....drives me to insanity to always be the bending reed, the passive, the tolerant, the patient, the kind. And know, in my deepest sense, that those things that I live and breathe, and foster...
...well, not everyone thinks like that...many are rigid, with no yielding, or care. Caught in their own senses, with little empathy, and boundless benevolence, seeking nothing but gratification. They force, and push, and pull away in ego, leaving often with no dignity or reason to anger. Again tripped out on the sensation of their wanting, obsession, and avarice. Leaving everything upturned in their effort to satisfy their needs.
I have often compromised my basic needs for others, in an effort to "get along" and "respect". But truly what respect is there in denying oneself the voice to find those things that are important to ones soul. I am grateful for my gifts, but I do not use them to the potential that would be necessary for any moment of peace. I am sad to say that conflict seems to be a parasite to my growing. Secretly I think there is a part of me that knows what will happen if I achieve the things of my dreams. Maybe it's that I will have to make new ones...and imagine a whole new space of existence.
I wish we all could all dream big , ....get it together. So close, inside the distance, between hearts; I will find the love I seek when it is the right time. Until then, as my besty would say ... nonnegotiable self care. For me ..that means, ..meditation, writing, exercise, wellness, healthy diet and work ahead in the schedule. There is no other choice than to forge forward, turning back is not an option. ...thankfully.
Im not afraid to fail anymore, and not so thankfully, failures can be burdensome; especially when they occur in communication, these points need to be admonished and forgiven. Truly the path to enlightenment begins with forgiving the past transgressions of self, not just the ones of others. When we find out selves worthy, we can do this...
I
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Still in the rough..
All the time, I am put in front of equations of possibility, emotions, and change; I often wonder, "What the H am I doing? Am I really where I set out to be?". The wonder continues, ever present and tenacious, sometimes soothing, and very quiet. Like any moment, the Universe could fold in on itself and take us all with it down some proverbial "rabbit hole" of metaphysical probability. Are we getting any closer to "it"...this state of Knowing. I think,"Yes.", yet long, long way to go before light. This can depress me, ...greatly. But it also keeps me very busy.
We all here on this planet, in this matter, and control. Materially, and also mortally, we are all in this together. ( I have said that before). Yet still, people continue with hate, dis-communication, apathetic natures, and just plain actions of ignorance. Ignorance being defined as: a lack of knowledge; we all fall down, for all of us are kept from our Source in our forms in humanity. I feel we really have fallen from grace, to be torn from that safety, and kept in the seasons of Earth.
Some days, I won't make any lie, ..I feel trapped. Like even if I did good in this life, and contributed enough of myself to the spirit in us all, that I would still be the thing that I started out as, that I wouldn't change in death, that I would be drawn back to some duty here. And, still be without the Source...
Certainly there are moments when I think I've found it, a place of gratitude, and caring, ....safety,; and, I am getting better, most time, at extending that feeling and energy. Yet, still, I don't sleep..not like I want to. I get so frustrated when my partner, is asleep within five minutes of hitting the pillow. I stare at the light coming in the window, the shadows in the room, and the clock that seems to be going faster and faster as I grow from insomnia to frantic and into anxiety. I don't tell anyone about this, really. I suffer silently with it. My doctor gave me some pills, ...but, there not really supposed to be used all the time. they work when they work
What I am learning though, ...is most definitely, that trust can be a game of waiting. "I've waited this long..", I tell myself, "What's a little longer to wait, really?" ...and so I wait for another sign from my heart to show me the way back to happiness. But, it's not happiness I'm waiting for, or even love, or solace....it's peace. I am waiting for peace, and though there may not be so much happening right in my face, ...there are things behind my irises, I am so very glad are "not real", not anymore at least.
I want it ....and yet I resist it too. Ironic? No, par for the course, in my life. There's one part that wants peace, and there's one part that wants change. And somehow, the grey area between those things change/peace, keeps me very occupied mentally. I hope to always grow, change is everywhere, ...but how to create it in life with peace? ...totally boggled. It's like you can't expect to get good soup, if you have no ability to stir the pot. I don't want to stir the pot necessarily, ...I was told by a very wise man once that sometimes doing nothing is the best option. Which brings in the argument of stagnation. Ebb and flow, energy and coldness, fluxing, dancing, lights colors. I think Im going to throw up, Im too saturated by all this reality, and control we play ourselves into. When, with compassion, will it ever end?
I really do need to ally together all my gifts, senses, feeling, emotions, actions, and beyond into the next step. Im certain I can handle it, ..just still there seems this daunting, and uneasy, feeling that some evil could be working in me, and I don't know, or see, or care enough to purge these "ghosts". How can I return to the Source ...ever; if I cannot find peace here on Earth, with the lot I was given in this life, as a human and beyond into the metaphysical, is there "HOPE" ...really? or is it a big scam to keep all of us sold into mortality, and this never ending cycle ....that really, really, never ends? ...I grow very uneasy at the prospect of this. Why do I want to not return? Why is paradise so awful to me? Why when I am surrounded by caring, and love, and acceptance, I still find a way to mess around with something that is astonishingly supportive and unstable all at once. It's a mind frack.
I am also learning that this waiting may not be a very practical way to peace, that inherent in love, is it's contradiction ...WAR. The war that happens in all of us, every day when we choose to be here, choose our trials, choose what we eat, and believe, ....we all play the game of "polite" and being nice, but what is it going to get you in the next life? if there is a next life? Or would the next life be more, if we took care of only our integrity, and compassion. And always gave more than take, so that even if there was a moment of starving, there would still be the thought that at some point, one had done good and put themselves out there for another, ...selflessly and without material, physical reward.
Some days, days that are growing in number as they pass each week. I wonder if I could architect another ...me. The lower self, ...the emotional body, animal passions...to be refined, stable, paralleling light, not shadow, and mystery. Does everyone go through this???? I want the knowing to stay; in that moment of motivation, I want the knowing that I can achieve these things that I dream of, and wish for; the things I hope for, and work toward, and there are no guarantees. All the things we work for, there is no guarantee that they will always be supported; there's no guarantee that hard work pays off. Everyone will tell you that, ...hard work makes it worth it. ....Hard work makes it harder, and even if you work and toil and compromise and sacrifice everything in your world, there is still no guarantee. In my life there's always something there to take it away....isn't that horrible? sick.
Change and Peace, like Yin and Yang, not ever existing without one another, and always having a small piece of each other inside. Maybe there are no absolutes in the world, and maybe the Source is just a dream....but I want to return to it. I want that dream. I want that dream in my life, with my closeness with nature, and the people I care for. I want us all to be in the Source, living, loving....communicating, loving more. How can we find our way out of this trap? is this all there is? and if so? ...am I prepared to have that be enough?
Letting go of the old form is getting paramount and moving forward is going to have to happen eventually, ....Im doing the Work. I hope Im doing the right thing. I want always to be in the arms of compassion and love, and mercy mixed with gratefulness. I forgive myself for still being here on Earth. ...maybe I ll sleep now
We all here on this planet, in this matter, and control. Materially, and also mortally, we are all in this together. ( I have said that before). Yet still, people continue with hate, dis-communication, apathetic natures, and just plain actions of ignorance. Ignorance being defined as: a lack of knowledge; we all fall down, for all of us are kept from our Source in our forms in humanity. I feel we really have fallen from grace, to be torn from that safety, and kept in the seasons of Earth.
Some days, I won't make any lie, ..I feel trapped. Like even if I did good in this life, and contributed enough of myself to the spirit in us all, that I would still be the thing that I started out as, that I wouldn't change in death, that I would be drawn back to some duty here. And, still be without the Source...
Certainly there are moments when I think I've found it, a place of gratitude, and caring, ....safety,; and, I am getting better, most time, at extending that feeling and energy. Yet, still, I don't sleep..not like I want to. I get so frustrated when my partner, is asleep within five minutes of hitting the pillow. I stare at the light coming in the window, the shadows in the room, and the clock that seems to be going faster and faster as I grow from insomnia to frantic and into anxiety. I don't tell anyone about this, really. I suffer silently with it. My doctor gave me some pills, ...but, there not really supposed to be used all the time. they work when they work
What I am learning though, ...is most definitely, that trust can be a game of waiting. "I've waited this long..", I tell myself, "What's a little longer to wait, really?" ...and so I wait for another sign from my heart to show me the way back to happiness. But, it's not happiness I'm waiting for, or even love, or solace....it's peace. I am waiting for peace, and though there may not be so much happening right in my face, ...there are things behind my irises, I am so very glad are "not real", not anymore at least.
I want it ....and yet I resist it too. Ironic? No, par for the course, in my life. There's one part that wants peace, and there's one part that wants change. And somehow, the grey area between those things change/peace, keeps me very occupied mentally. I hope to always grow, change is everywhere, ...but how to create it in life with peace? ...totally boggled. It's like you can't expect to get good soup, if you have no ability to stir the pot. I don't want to stir the pot necessarily, ...I was told by a very wise man once that sometimes doing nothing is the best option. Which brings in the argument of stagnation. Ebb and flow, energy and coldness, fluxing, dancing, lights colors. I think Im going to throw up, Im too saturated by all this reality, and control we play ourselves into. When, with compassion, will it ever end?
I really do need to ally together all my gifts, senses, feeling, emotions, actions, and beyond into the next step. Im certain I can handle it, ..just still there seems this daunting, and uneasy, feeling that some evil could be working in me, and I don't know, or see, or care enough to purge these "ghosts". How can I return to the Source ...ever; if I cannot find peace here on Earth, with the lot I was given in this life, as a human and beyond into the metaphysical, is there "HOPE" ...really? or is it a big scam to keep all of us sold into mortality, and this never ending cycle ....that really, really, never ends? ...I grow very uneasy at the prospect of this. Why do I want to not return? Why is paradise so awful to me? Why when I am surrounded by caring, and love, and acceptance, I still find a way to mess around with something that is astonishingly supportive and unstable all at once. It's a mind frack.
I am also learning that this waiting may not be a very practical way to peace, that inherent in love, is it's contradiction ...WAR. The war that happens in all of us, every day when we choose to be here, choose our trials, choose what we eat, and believe, ....we all play the game of "polite" and being nice, but what is it going to get you in the next life? if there is a next life? Or would the next life be more, if we took care of only our integrity, and compassion. And always gave more than take, so that even if there was a moment of starving, there would still be the thought that at some point, one had done good and put themselves out there for another, ...selflessly and without material, physical reward.
Some days, days that are growing in number as they pass each week. I wonder if I could architect another ...me. The lower self, ...the emotional body, animal passions...to be refined, stable, paralleling light, not shadow, and mystery. Does everyone go through this???? I want the knowing to stay; in that moment of motivation, I want the knowing that I can achieve these things that I dream of, and wish for; the things I hope for, and work toward, and there are no guarantees. All the things we work for, there is no guarantee that they will always be supported; there's no guarantee that hard work pays off. Everyone will tell you that, ...hard work makes it worth it. ....Hard work makes it harder, and even if you work and toil and compromise and sacrifice everything in your world, there is still no guarantee. In my life there's always something there to take it away....isn't that horrible? sick.
Change and Peace, like Yin and Yang, not ever existing without one another, and always having a small piece of each other inside. Maybe there are no absolutes in the world, and maybe the Source is just a dream....but I want to return to it. I want that dream. I want that dream in my life, with my closeness with nature, and the people I care for. I want us all to be in the Source, living, loving....communicating, loving more. How can we find our way out of this trap? is this all there is? and if so? ...am I prepared to have that be enough?
Letting go of the old form is getting paramount and moving forward is going to have to happen eventually, ....Im doing the Work. I hope Im doing the right thing. I want always to be in the arms of compassion and love, and mercy mixed with gratefulness. I forgive myself for still being here on Earth. ...maybe I ll sleep now
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Simple things that people don't teach eachother and themselves.
We all present each other and ourselves with many different tasks and projects to complete. I hear some gurus call it a process of shuffling papers, in an attempt to "sort out" life and it's leisure, laughs, risks, and downfalls in our work here. (as Light). Sometimes, often more than not, this shifting of information least of all helps us all find what we want. Yet, wanting is not the end key. It's the desire and passion, the feeling and emotion that go into that want which creates our personal vibration. I've been learning slowly how to shift vibration, all my life. When I was born here, to earth, in the 70's, it was a much different planet, ...medicine and science, loving and communication, our very social relationships globally are changing. I am starting to scratch the surface finally* now as to what those changes actually mean for the rest of humanity inside the vortex of creation. All I know is when this shift is over, it's going to be an amazing force of energy that will not give many boundaries much mind, in passing.
I know there is something more to all of this. Scientist have been working with ideas about dimensions, holographic reality, law of attraction, and intention, conscious vs the invisible force behind "in sight". It's all exciting as our world begins to unfold, and as they say "down the proverbial rabbit hole". The evolution that is around the corner is going to be somewhat shocking for our existence, but I don't believe it will be an end of anything but pain and possible some suffering in the world. As we follow closer to our goals in a global community we are finding our home to be with some more mysteries to share. How many secrets are there still hiding from the public view, ..aside from politics, but inside fundamentals in natures make-up. The science and meta-science of this place.
We all have a vibration, and with practice we can control that vibration. Yet, everyone's method towards drawing from the source is every changing, and fluxing. Some day's it will be easy to find the strength for an easy smile, or a cool calm of peace. Some day's the soul is going to need deeper challenges to find it's connection, and we need to be able to bend and kneel, stand and dodge between the spaces and movements of our ever fluxing reality. Not always an easy task, sometimes there are just the inevitable ends of evil, that are present with others negativity. Still remembering that there is always a way to diffuse negativity, if we choose not to take on the experience, or feel it speaks to our character personally. I have found, more and more over, that most of the failures in my life, have been miscommunications and fear driven. Part of the new pattern in this world is moving out of that fear, and into something vastly immense in power and force.
...but, how to access this power?
Some people will try to fool you into believing their method is the best, or straightest line, or purest form to the connected line to the Source. The fact of the matter is ...there are infinite ways to find your peace, solace, spirit and abundance of blessing in the world we live. And not so many of them outside the bodies of our consciousness. We can be within our attraction and our power in a moment when we give ourselves the chance to love and honor ourselves and find heart in our behavior and actions. I find that some people often forget in our cities and our countrysides that we are creatures of feeling and emotion, with intellect to guide our lives towards the "right" or innate moral. Granted morals are a cultural thing, even on a good day, but there is, I believe fully, an inherent place inside all of us, that knows the difference between right and wrong. A compass inside that shows us our karma's edge. I will also admit I also believe there are people that are able to forgo karma and use a compass with no North, but just a direction of the next "gain". How this is executed can be a very slippery slope.
Needless to say, I believe we all choose the choices we will be presented with in this and any other life. I also believe that no choice cannot be irreversible, that we are able to change the path we choose at any time, without explanation, even sometimes without purpose in our efforts to find the next step to evolution. There is no bonds for us in this new world of information and growth. We are finding the most out of our technology that we have uncovered recently, and I honestly know that there are many more laws and tools that will be found and revealed to the world and it's inhabitants, both human and otherwise. Stay hopeful we will find them within peace and sharing.
"For there are most certain the spirits of the forests, and inside the desserts and waters; above in the sky and below our feet, that have their magick in all of us." -Anonymous
Have a good weekend everyone
I know there is something more to all of this. Scientist have been working with ideas about dimensions, holographic reality, law of attraction, and intention, conscious vs the invisible force behind "in sight". It's all exciting as our world begins to unfold, and as they say "down the proverbial rabbit hole". The evolution that is around the corner is going to be somewhat shocking for our existence, but I don't believe it will be an end of anything but pain and possible some suffering in the world. As we follow closer to our goals in a global community we are finding our home to be with some more mysteries to share. How many secrets are there still hiding from the public view, ..aside from politics, but inside fundamentals in natures make-up. The science and meta-science of this place.
We all have a vibration, and with practice we can control that vibration. Yet, everyone's method towards drawing from the source is every changing, and fluxing. Some day's it will be easy to find the strength for an easy smile, or a cool calm of peace. Some day's the soul is going to need deeper challenges to find it's connection, and we need to be able to bend and kneel, stand and dodge between the spaces and movements of our ever fluxing reality. Not always an easy task, sometimes there are just the inevitable ends of evil, that are present with others negativity. Still remembering that there is always a way to diffuse negativity, if we choose not to take on the experience, or feel it speaks to our character personally. I have found, more and more over, that most of the failures in my life, have been miscommunications and fear driven. Part of the new pattern in this world is moving out of that fear, and into something vastly immense in power and force.
...but, how to access this power?
Some people will try to fool you into believing their method is the best, or straightest line, or purest form to the connected line to the Source. The fact of the matter is ...there are infinite ways to find your peace, solace, spirit and abundance of blessing in the world we live. And not so many of them outside the bodies of our consciousness. We can be within our attraction and our power in a moment when we give ourselves the chance to love and honor ourselves and find heart in our behavior and actions. I find that some people often forget in our cities and our countrysides that we are creatures of feeling and emotion, with intellect to guide our lives towards the "right" or innate moral. Granted morals are a cultural thing, even on a good day, but there is, I believe fully, an inherent place inside all of us, that knows the difference between right and wrong. A compass inside that shows us our karma's edge. I will also admit I also believe there are people that are able to forgo karma and use a compass with no North, but just a direction of the next "gain". How this is executed can be a very slippery slope.
Needless to say, I believe we all choose the choices we will be presented with in this and any other life. I also believe that no choice cannot be irreversible, that we are able to change the path we choose at any time, without explanation, even sometimes without purpose in our efforts to find the next step to evolution. There is no bonds for us in this new world of information and growth. We are finding the most out of our technology that we have uncovered recently, and I honestly know that there are many more laws and tools that will be found and revealed to the world and it's inhabitants, both human and otherwise. Stay hopeful we will find them within peace and sharing.
"For there are most certain the spirits of the forests, and inside the desserts and waters; above in the sky and below our feet, that have their magick in all of us." -Anonymous
Have a good weekend everyone
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Many Declarations
I feel often that, in this Universe of Creation, we are given tests. Usually a choice between the dark, and the light, the positive and the negative,... always battling together to find balance and union one day. Some days it's not hard to find positive, and others not hard to find negative..and we continue on our journeys in and out of days and nights. The tests that we are given in Life, they make us who we are, and our choices in those tests decide which tests come afterward.
When I was young, as young as 8, I was fantastically interested in "energy". I didn't know why, or how I came to this interest, yet it consumed me. Maybe it was the ghost in the back forest of our school that everyone called "bloody fingers". Some girl was affected by a poison Halloween sucker, and had some experience in this back forest with some of the other kids (not me) and we all began running around trying to find a ghosts and stuff. I knew then that there was something "extra" to the world that the adults were not divulging. Paralleling this experience was the "Ghostbuster Movie" which further spoke of supernatural things amiss in the world. Kids can be so impressionable...
Energy and the supernatural, led me to where I am now in the world as a child. By the time I was in grade 7, I had figured out that I wanted to be a physicist and study the Nature of the Universe, and Energy. Quickly though I realized, along with my parents and teachers, that my math skills were none to compare to what I would need to accomplish to ever even be considered to take physics in Senior High School. So I didn't become a physicist I became some thing different.
When I was 13, my Mother, who was an amazing support at the time, gave me my first tarot deck. I had gotten a book from the Coles Bookstore in the Cottonwood Mall in Chilliwack. White Magic. I still have it. The book was all about seasonal magic and it's pathworkings, and celebrations, for the annual motions of the beautiful Star, the Sun. In this book there were tarot cards corresponding to the Equinox's, Solstices and so on. I asked my Mom for this advanced deck of cards ...with what I thought were the most beautiful pictures.
It was the Haidl Deck, which as I learned recently, has connections with the Thoth Deck (*but that a note for a different conversation) and it taught me how to learn symbols, and elements, and so much more. Little did I know that this simple act would ripple through the vortex and show so many truths throughout my years. They number this year as 25 years with the same deck. Some of them a little faded, and well loved through the lessons it has brought to the surface, they still know the awesome glory that I will begin to explain..
Before I do that though, I want to bring up Lessons. We all have them, ..some more stronger than others, ..some virtually meaningless in practicality, others still ringing in our ears years later. My lessons have been about struggle, and survival. When I started this life, I was bruised and in concussion from being kicked by my brother on his way out the birth canal. So literally, before I even had breathed air for the first time, I had been kicked down. This was a cycle that still continues, ...and Im writing about it in the hopes that I can figure out why, maybe, ..or how it happened like this. I don't want this to come out as baiting for drama or hate mail. ...Truth be told, I was beaten down.
When I was 3 I became very ill with spinal meningitis. I was the first to get it (patient zero) and the doctors didn't know what was going on. I suffered through 3 spinal taps, and fell into a coma before the concluded the diagnosis. I was dying, and whatever happened in that time, brought me closer to who I am. My mother once commented that I was different after that experience. That she could see how it had changed me, aside from being skin and bone after weeks in that coma.
Now I don't remember any of this, and I don't remember any of the abuse that followed from my father doled out in his effort to deal with his own personal troubles in life, and family. My Mother told me she left him in divorce and took me away from him because of this. I was six when they divorced. More seed in the earth for the struggles that were present in my karma.
Through grade school there was a lull after the divorce in terms of my personal struggle, but my Mom was very poor raising two twins boys on her own ..probably for minimum wage. We struggled with money....
Then she met her second husband, who with some shaky beginnings became my stepfather and helped raise my brother and I with my Mom. It seemed that family had come into the fold of the luck. And when my Mom didn't accept his request to get married, it was the beginning of the end for that good time.
I, when we had moved into Yarrow, was pretty much a Momma's boy, ...preppy 80's kid, in lacosste golf shirts, and in dance/acting/modelling lessons. All the girls loved me, but I had the boys to contend with bullying, ...eggs at the house, chased, threatened, insulted not only by students but openly by teachers as well. I wasn't like the other kids still, and never would be. The struggle with bullying went straight through to grade 12. I could examine it ..but why bother. When I graduated, I thought to myself, ..."it's over, it's really over" ...until my Mom kicked me out of the house at 17 and I was expected to take care of myself now.
I found a job through the mail, in Jasper. And quickly got into trouble there with the local men as being "too friendly" with their girlfriends. So I came out of the closet with these individuals...boy did the struggles amp up then. They would bully me, and let the air out of my tires in an effort to deal with their prejudice. I was just trying to get my head around the fact that my girlfriend had had my first born son as her baby six months earlier to all this ...Mother not knowing, hell, nobody in my family knew...I was slated to NOT be in his life for many years to come. Stress. Which lead to schism inside my psyche, Halloween Night 1993 on two hits of bunk LSD. Something happened that night that would catapult me to who I am as a psychic and spiritualist. (maybe you know the story, sorry if you don't)
When that schism began, ...I was one person. It took years to go through the fear, paranoia...I ended up on the street within a year later. Scared, lost, alone, unguided by keepers... it was dark times. I had change from who I had been born as. I had been drawn away from my purpose.
Until I met Gordon Janzen...who had the pleasure of showing me some great tools for life. Tools I still utilize today, thankfully. Maybe I've gone a little astray, but stay with me. He showed me the Tarot, and it's magick and it's secrets, ..he taught me the most powerful lesson, even in his maniacal controlling ways. I had many bullies including him. And more would follow...
So here I am, 2013, years after separating ways from Gordan, Jasper, High School, my son, and all the things I left behind. And still I seem to have these bullies in my life. They contradict themselves with their fake smiles, they blame me for things they should have not overlooked, and they send me this amazing energy of unknowing and detachment from the Source. Because, you see, they didn't choose the same goal I did...they chose greed. Where as through my struggles I learned that giving was more important. This doesn't make me better, by any standard, other than wisdom.
So when I see people around me, and I see them taking it all for themselves, and giving so very little of themselves to get there. I don't forget these struggles, and I know that I planted all this. I know now in 2013 that I cannot control people and their prejudice, and avarice. I am told constantly that I am beacon of light for people, that I make a difference in the world for them. And maybe it's not everyone..but it's the ones that count.
I still have bullies, but they don't bother me as much. And I know why...now. Because they have nothing that is good in their life. They chose greed, fear, avarice, and hate, with a disrespect for the divine in themselves. They don't have the soul that I do, and in this lifetime, I doubt they will. When they do, I will be right there, in the vortex of all good things, waiting for them to acknowledge their input into the machine that is their karma.
I said this the other night, ....when other(s) insult me, or call me down, or manipulate me into their controlling fear, it does NOT say anything about who I am as a person. I am within Light, without their approval, or their Love or Acceptance. I know who I am. I know what I've done. The mistakes I've made, I have made a restitution with forgiveness, with myself. I love myself, and also respect my path. I also forgive those people that would punish me for their ignorance, and unknowing. They are not me, they did not struggle with the same that I did, so how could they come to the same conclusion....LOVE.
Those bullies, they don't love...they are faking it until they make it. And they will make the rest of the world bend around their stupidity, because they have no other choice. They will not learn...until they are ready.
Let's hope it's not too late of a time when that happens...
When I was young, as young as 8, I was fantastically interested in "energy". I didn't know why, or how I came to this interest, yet it consumed me. Maybe it was the ghost in the back forest of our school that everyone called "bloody fingers". Some girl was affected by a poison Halloween sucker, and had some experience in this back forest with some of the other kids (not me) and we all began running around trying to find a ghosts and stuff. I knew then that there was something "extra" to the world that the adults were not divulging. Paralleling this experience was the "Ghostbuster Movie" which further spoke of supernatural things amiss in the world. Kids can be so impressionable...
Energy and the supernatural, led me to where I am now in the world as a child. By the time I was in grade 7, I had figured out that I wanted to be a physicist and study the Nature of the Universe, and Energy. Quickly though I realized, along with my parents and teachers, that my math skills were none to compare to what I would need to accomplish to ever even be considered to take physics in Senior High School. So I didn't become a physicist I became some thing different.
When I was 13, my Mother, who was an amazing support at the time, gave me my first tarot deck. I had gotten a book from the Coles Bookstore in the Cottonwood Mall in Chilliwack. White Magic. I still have it. The book was all about seasonal magic and it's pathworkings, and celebrations, for the annual motions of the beautiful Star, the Sun. In this book there were tarot cards corresponding to the Equinox's, Solstices and so on. I asked my Mom for this advanced deck of cards ...with what I thought were the most beautiful pictures.
It was the Haidl Deck, which as I learned recently, has connections with the Thoth Deck (*but that a note for a different conversation) and it taught me how to learn symbols, and elements, and so much more. Little did I know that this simple act would ripple through the vortex and show so many truths throughout my years. They number this year as 25 years with the same deck. Some of them a little faded, and well loved through the lessons it has brought to the surface, they still know the awesome glory that I will begin to explain..
Before I do that though, I want to bring up Lessons. We all have them, ..some more stronger than others, ..some virtually meaningless in practicality, others still ringing in our ears years later. My lessons have been about struggle, and survival. When I started this life, I was bruised and in concussion from being kicked by my brother on his way out the birth canal. So literally, before I even had breathed air for the first time, I had been kicked down. This was a cycle that still continues, ...and Im writing about it in the hopes that I can figure out why, maybe, ..or how it happened like this. I don't want this to come out as baiting for drama or hate mail. ...Truth be told, I was beaten down.
When I was 3 I became very ill with spinal meningitis. I was the first to get it (patient zero) and the doctors didn't know what was going on. I suffered through 3 spinal taps, and fell into a coma before the concluded the diagnosis. I was dying, and whatever happened in that time, brought me closer to who I am. My mother once commented that I was different after that experience. That she could see how it had changed me, aside from being skin and bone after weeks in that coma.
Now I don't remember any of this, and I don't remember any of the abuse that followed from my father doled out in his effort to deal with his own personal troubles in life, and family. My Mother told me she left him in divorce and took me away from him because of this. I was six when they divorced. More seed in the earth for the struggles that were present in my karma.
Through grade school there was a lull after the divorce in terms of my personal struggle, but my Mom was very poor raising two twins boys on her own ..probably for minimum wage. We struggled with money....
Then she met her second husband, who with some shaky beginnings became my stepfather and helped raise my brother and I with my Mom. It seemed that family had come into the fold of the luck. And when my Mom didn't accept his request to get married, it was the beginning of the end for that good time.
I, when we had moved into Yarrow, was pretty much a Momma's boy, ...preppy 80's kid, in lacosste golf shirts, and in dance/acting/modelling lessons. All the girls loved me, but I had the boys to contend with bullying, ...eggs at the house, chased, threatened, insulted not only by students but openly by teachers as well. I wasn't like the other kids still, and never would be. The struggle with bullying went straight through to grade 12. I could examine it ..but why bother. When I graduated, I thought to myself, ..."it's over, it's really over" ...until my Mom kicked me out of the house at 17 and I was expected to take care of myself now.
I found a job through the mail, in Jasper. And quickly got into trouble there with the local men as being "too friendly" with their girlfriends. So I came out of the closet with these individuals...boy did the struggles amp up then. They would bully me, and let the air out of my tires in an effort to deal with their prejudice. I was just trying to get my head around the fact that my girlfriend had had my first born son as her baby six months earlier to all this ...Mother not knowing, hell, nobody in my family knew...I was slated to NOT be in his life for many years to come. Stress. Which lead to schism inside my psyche, Halloween Night 1993 on two hits of bunk LSD. Something happened that night that would catapult me to who I am as a psychic and spiritualist. (maybe you know the story, sorry if you don't)
When that schism began, ...I was one person. It took years to go through the fear, paranoia...I ended up on the street within a year later. Scared, lost, alone, unguided by keepers... it was dark times. I had change from who I had been born as. I had been drawn away from my purpose.
Until I met Gordon Janzen...who had the pleasure of showing me some great tools for life. Tools I still utilize today, thankfully. Maybe I've gone a little astray, but stay with me. He showed me the Tarot, and it's magick and it's secrets, ..he taught me the most powerful lesson, even in his maniacal controlling ways. I had many bullies including him. And more would follow...
So here I am, 2013, years after separating ways from Gordan, Jasper, High School, my son, and all the things I left behind. And still I seem to have these bullies in my life. They contradict themselves with their fake smiles, they blame me for things they should have not overlooked, and they send me this amazing energy of unknowing and detachment from the Source. Because, you see, they didn't choose the same goal I did...they chose greed. Where as through my struggles I learned that giving was more important. This doesn't make me better, by any standard, other than wisdom.
So when I see people around me, and I see them taking it all for themselves, and giving so very little of themselves to get there. I don't forget these struggles, and I know that I planted all this. I know now in 2013 that I cannot control people and their prejudice, and avarice. I am told constantly that I am beacon of light for people, that I make a difference in the world for them. And maybe it's not everyone..but it's the ones that count.
I still have bullies, but they don't bother me as much. And I know why...now. Because they have nothing that is good in their life. They chose greed, fear, avarice, and hate, with a disrespect for the divine in themselves. They don't have the soul that I do, and in this lifetime, I doubt they will. When they do, I will be right there, in the vortex of all good things, waiting for them to acknowledge their input into the machine that is their karma.
I said this the other night, ....when other(s) insult me, or call me down, or manipulate me into their controlling fear, it does NOT say anything about who I am as a person. I am within Light, without their approval, or their Love or Acceptance. I know who I am. I know what I've done. The mistakes I've made, I have made a restitution with forgiveness, with myself. I love myself, and also respect my path. I also forgive those people that would punish me for their ignorance, and unknowing. They are not me, they did not struggle with the same that I did, so how could they come to the same conclusion....LOVE.
Those bullies, they don't love...they are faking it until they make it. And they will make the rest of the world bend around their stupidity, because they have no other choice. They will not learn...until they are ready.
Let's hope it's not too late of a time when that happens...
Friday, January 25, 2013
Every Moment is a New Beginning
I've been on and off this blog for quite a while, and I've come through some great days in the process of ridding myself of those things that don't serve my highest and greatest vibration. I have been very hopeful along the way, inadvertently finding myself in the best days of my life inside my relationships. Relationships that I have worked in, and around, and for that greater good that I so long for. People come from all sides at me, in my weak moments, and they support me with their words and actions. For the most part I am in the most dynamic days I have ever experienced, compliments and gratitude flowing around freely.
Still though, I am plagued by the specters of fear and loathing, and control and manipulation. I weave my way past their intricate happenings, and I know in my heart that I am better than those things that would call me down , and have me live less of what I truly am, to serve their pride, and also prejudice. People older than me, people who have worked in spiritual communities for over a decade, who should have the care to find gentleness in passing. People that do know better, and choose the negative poise on the subject of finding higher light. I learn from these people in comparison to myself. In the sense, I take that I will never be these people. I am too much inside my vortex of creation, most of the time, to let it get out of control. I have a way of battling the demons that come at my back when I am not looking.
All of us, and I mean all of us have bad days. Days when we don't know which way is up, or whether we even are going anywhere in any direction. Lost in our longing, wanting, suffering, in the material world, in our corporal bodies, feeling, thinking, perceiving in our respective "environments" we often tend to forget the most awesome paradox of living and dying here on Earth. The fact that, while we are here, we have the most divine chance to make a difference in who we are, and what we want to do with the magick that happens inside who we are,and inside our most brightest intentions...we forget that living is about finding bliss, and enjoyment with these forms.
People, myself included, we get lost in the shuffling of our lives to keep them organized and in order. But what standard are most of us doing this? Seriously, think about it...when we go to work, do we think to ourselves "What good will I be doing, today, for the world/people around me?". The answer is more than likely "no", people don't think this. And Im not even suggesting this is the only wise choice, and this is not some ploy to get everyone working with only best intentions for others. It is a realization, that when we think about how our own "work", inside and outside our career, and even the work we pass in relationships, with a sense of caring, and brother/sisterhood. That we can find worth in our social environments and therefore worth in ourselves by being not just a taker, but a generous provider of love and acceptance. For truly what we give this out it is what we will get back, karma is cyclic.
So when I am attacked psychically by vampires, or worse, I know that I am in my life where I want to be, and these things that are happening, with people directing BS to me, are not about me. That is says nothing of where I am in the world and this place and everything about them and their standard of living. That it is about them not being inside their most divine mode, and that I am doing my work in the way I see fit. I am surrounded by more love some days that I don't know what to do with it all. So when people judge me, or call me down, or insult me to my face, ...it's not about me. It's about their judgements of what they disagree with about themselves. I am in a good space, the best space I've been in a very long time. I have distanced myself from the hate. I have chosen Love. I've chosen the Now and a Positive Future.
Be Strong and Beautiful inside the most Divine Place of ones own Creation. This is where I'm going, and this is where I'm from, and I am working on making this the NOW for Always. You can join me and live in bliss, or you can be wherever else yo want to be in life, and forget the gifts that are yours to enjoy. I fear no vampire, no monster, or even death...I am stronger than those things. And you can be as well, if you believe in a working towards your most highest vibration. Starting ....right ....now.
<3<3<3 <3
Still though, I am plagued by the specters of fear and loathing, and control and manipulation. I weave my way past their intricate happenings, and I know in my heart that I am better than those things that would call me down , and have me live less of what I truly am, to serve their pride, and also prejudice. People older than me, people who have worked in spiritual communities for over a decade, who should have the care to find gentleness in passing. People that do know better, and choose the negative poise on the subject of finding higher light. I learn from these people in comparison to myself. In the sense, I take that I will never be these people. I am too much inside my vortex of creation, most of the time, to let it get out of control. I have a way of battling the demons that come at my back when I am not looking.
All of us, and I mean all of us have bad days. Days when we don't know which way is up, or whether we even are going anywhere in any direction. Lost in our longing, wanting, suffering, in the material world, in our corporal bodies, feeling, thinking, perceiving in our respective "environments" we often tend to forget the most awesome paradox of living and dying here on Earth. The fact that, while we are here, we have the most divine chance to make a difference in who we are, and what we want to do with the magick that happens inside who we are,and inside our most brightest intentions...we forget that living is about finding bliss, and enjoyment with these forms.
People, myself included, we get lost in the shuffling of our lives to keep them organized and in order. But what standard are most of us doing this? Seriously, think about it...when we go to work, do we think to ourselves "What good will I be doing, today, for the world/people around me?". The answer is more than likely "no", people don't think this. And Im not even suggesting this is the only wise choice, and this is not some ploy to get everyone working with only best intentions for others. It is a realization, that when we think about how our own "work", inside and outside our career, and even the work we pass in relationships, with a sense of caring, and brother/sisterhood. That we can find worth in our social environments and therefore worth in ourselves by being not just a taker, but a generous provider of love and acceptance. For truly what we give this out it is what we will get back, karma is cyclic.
So when I am attacked psychically by vampires, or worse, I know that I am in my life where I want to be, and these things that are happening, with people directing BS to me, are not about me. That is says nothing of where I am in the world and this place and everything about them and their standard of living. That it is about them not being inside their most divine mode, and that I am doing my work in the way I see fit. I am surrounded by more love some days that I don't know what to do with it all. So when people judge me, or call me down, or insult me to my face, ...it's not about me. It's about their judgements of what they disagree with about themselves. I am in a good space, the best space I've been in a very long time. I have distanced myself from the hate. I have chosen Love. I've chosen the Now and a Positive Future.
Be Strong and Beautiful inside the most Divine Place of ones own Creation. This is where I'm going, and this is where I'm from, and I am working on making this the NOW for Always. You can join me and live in bliss, or you can be wherever else yo want to be in life, and forget the gifts that are yours to enjoy. I fear no vampire, no monster, or even death...I am stronger than those things. And you can be as well, if you believe in a working towards your most highest vibration. Starting ....right ....now.
<3<3<3 <3
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