We all have goals, things we want, desires, things that motivate us. Sometimes it can be our children, or our parents, motivation comes from a large number of sources. I have discovered recently through no action of my own that my focus is largely "relationships" ...not just romantic ones, but the close friendships that can be forged in everyday life. Why I focus on this I am still discovering, and I am certain that this focus is not beneficial to my overall needs.
I'm a giver, Im also quite loyal in situations of friendship. It's not uncommon for me to put the needs of others ahead of my own. Sometimes I feel it is more reflex than anything, something inside of me has this uncontrollable urge to serve a purpose somehow. And what better purpose to attend than helping the ones that mean something to me.
At the end of the day though, this record in my head playing this song it is broken. Being loyal to ones associates, though honorable, is not going to provide any lightening effects on the depth of character. I have found that it's quite the opposite. Suddenly one will find themselves beset with the concerns of others, the problems of other people will sink one down and not lighten the load at all. And that is the purpose of these writings. To lighten the baggage, to find a moment to move on and find more out of life.
Sacrificing certain possessions, not just material, but spiritual as well, and also mental baggage, it has brought me to so pretty ugly truths. When I was a young man around 21 years old I would not have ever imagined that I would have become this terrible cynic. I've talked to some people and they say that it's pretty much inevitable, we all see the ugly truth to the world eventually.
I always thought that the Truth was something that was not only going to free me, it was going to provide an "answer" to the the challenges of my human experience. I cannot deny that I am free, for truly I am, and still though the answer I was seeking was not satisfied in even the smallest sense. We search for truth, and find the ugly world in our face. There is no "one" answer to dispel all the negativity.
Some people can ignore the truth, and keep to their daily events, and errands. They are unmoved by the shortcomings of reality, and it doesn't bother them that the world is full of hate and pain and suffering. They can somehow accept it, when I cannot. I am certain that someday I find a way to deal with it all. Frankly though, I fear there will be a great number of obstacles to overcome, and a number of enemies to overcome in the process, some of those enemies inside me and some without my circle of influence. There will always be something pushing me down to the ground, it was the path I chose for myself. I chose to take this path and now I am finding fore certain, that the Path, isn't always the answer (not to some at least).
I want to believe that there is going to be success, I want to trust to the experience the new world ahead of me is with love and acceptance. But I know others don't live like that, that others are not loyal, they have no connections with the world or the people in it. They are isolated within their own fear of love and acceptance. They don't know how to touch and be present, all they know how to do is follow the bouncing ball, and never move the world.
I give a piece of myself in every action that I do. I do not hold back the sacred part of myself. We all have darkness, we all have light, it's when we make a difference in someones life, that is when I find my smile growing. That is why I focus on relationships, I can move a mountain, ...but who does it help? It's when we open our hearts and our arms that we truly fight the tyranny of the world. I may get smacked down, but at least I can love unconditionally still, and forgive not only others but myself.
The masses don't understand the depth of this writing, they will judge and point and laugh possibly. At the end of the day, I am none of the things of malice and hate. I have experience with hate, but inside, all I want to do is love and protect those that I love. Maybe Im a hopeless romantic, maybe I will not find an answer to that story of love and longing, but I have done much traveling on the path of spirituality, it is certain I have worked. I have worked to be a good person, someone that I could like, someone I would want to know. There is no reward for that though, no guarantee of lightening energy.
The rewards I have received are all within me, in only the experiences of my life. I am balance on the inside, ..it's the world that is tyrannical and sociopathic. I can still feel, I can still love, I don't have to look at the world as a dollar sign. I don't look for reward in material senses. I have all the love I need, I am surrounded by it.
Love isn't enough to keep me "happy" necessarily,(if only love was enough) but it's something others don't have. Some people don't posses that ability, they will smile in your face, and hug you the best they can, but deep inside, they are broken and loveless, all they see is best course of action in terms of how it will serve them. And when they are challenged, they will push into your face how much you "owe" to them and the debt that must be paid for further "transactions". They will turn against you in a fiery instant and burn you to the ground if need be.
What is the search about? ...well for me, ...it was about the Truth and the quest for knowledge. I found the Truth, it's ugly. I also found Knowledge, not so ugly, but more than most can endure. I find it ironic that Truth would be this ugly force, I always thought of freedom as a form of beauty, it's not though unfortunately. And Knowledge is like an unraveling a knitted sweater, one thread keeps going and going, ...into seamless infinity. Good luck to all of you that are seeking, you will most definitely need it on your journey.
For those of you that don't care about Truth, or Knowledge, or Love...you are part of the masses, ...and you will be the object of my ridicule for many years to come. You are weak, and foolish in your quest for material gain, and your only reward will be death in the end. My rewards are already in heart, shining and bright, full of energy and life. The masses you may be laughing at me now, ...but fear not, you will not be the last one with a reason to smile.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
The World Owes You Nothing..
Taking things away to find change in the world, whether it be people, or substance, or even patterns of thinking, ...there is always this hope for change. A hope that the work that we do in terms of bettering our lives , ...actually, in definition, does better our lives. We strive for change so that we may make more love for ourselves, ...or more children in some cases, or of course more money, . (who doesn't need more of that), or happiness. When we change something we are looking for some desired effect.
Really though, I have found that when it's time for change, Im usually taking things away from the formula. I try to simplify and organize the best I can with the sources I have. Like when I quit hard drugs, ..I was working in bars and afterhours, ...so naturally I had to stop working in bars/afterhours and find something more conventional, which I did, and also succeeded at (for a short period). I took away the long nights, in dark corners, and the long sessions of drinking into the early morning.
It was interesting when I quit hard drugs, ..I was grasping desperately at straws to find a way out of the mess I was in. I was going to lose my family, and my closest friends if I didn't quit. It was all snowballing downhill very quickly and frankly, ...another month, and who knows where I would have ended up. And still, regardless of the odds, I did it, ..I got off hard drugs and found, for a time, a renewed connection with the world and some of the people in it that I loved and cared for.
Just over six years later, ....those people I wanted to be close to and keep dear. They have found their respective happiness in the form of new romantic relationships. One had two kids and moved out of town to another province, ...My brother, though I see him still, he's pretty much settled into his lifestyle, ...I don't see him even a quarter as much as I was seeing him at the time. Other friends, ..of course, falling to the wayside, some of them important parts of the plot at that period of time. And others, yes, ..married and in other situations much removed from where I am now.
So here I am six years later, ...I quit drugs, had a short relation ship of about a year and then five straight years of playing the field miserably and with total futility. I found another job, and was with that for a period, ..it kept me busy , ..and I was content I suppose, but only when I had a moment to notice. It wasn't so hard without hard drugs, ....I started to make some new friends and that's good. This is about what the goal was when I quit though...
Wanting to keep those people close to me ....? it didn't work. My sacrifice hadn't been enough to provide the desired ends. Maybe it was fated to that in some book somewhere...but the very thing that helped me get better from hard drugs and quit for good, without looking back, was this belief that if I did it, I would be able to keep the ones I loved in my life. That was a false belief though... and there is a sense of shame and guilt when I think about it ...I had quit hard drugs for purely selfish ends.
I discovered, ..that the sacrifice was not enough to provide me with my wish. And now six years later I am still learning that lesson. It's clearer now, it has stabilized into a cynical philosopher's fart: The World Owes You Nothing. For everything one does to affect change, there is not guarantee to any of it...most of the time you can thank luck for your success.
You can work and strive for you wallets appetite. You can wish for love or you can wish for war as you travel to and from that work. You can wish that your dinner comes to the table hot and tasty by friendly hands. But the world owes you nothing, and it will take from you for no reason, without notice or care even, not because it wants to, not because it can't survive itself without doing, but simply because it CAN.
No book in time has a promise for life, nor is there a promise from any lips that cannot be broken just as quickly. Nobody has to be honest to you, ...nobody has to respect you in any way whatsoever, or trust you. Nobody has to give you the answer they posses, or help you with your trials. No person on earth owes you nothing, ...not your lover/friend, ..not your parents, not your siblings or cousins, nobody.
It's a fighters world, the one that punches the most, gets what they want. Lovers are the weak, the masses tell their story that they believe their false hope, and yet they know some truth somehow in a way I do not. They see it for what it is, ...even behind their denial, ...they work their politics and coax from their relationships the things they desire. They are able to survive the system....
I know the difference between the masses and the light workers, ...and there are wolves and sheep everywhere...holy crap everywhere. Im not a shepherd either, Im as some would say "in the world but not of the world". That doesn't separate me from the experience, I think it shows me a bit more.
Im sorry the masses are driven by the needs of their material desires, ..failing to comprehend the picture beyond their agreed and separate cover stories. We all lie to ourselves and move on when maybe we should reconsider our stance. A friend of mine once said to me "challenge your story" ...and it made some sense. Make sure that the story your making for yourself is the story you want. And not some fear driven drivel for toddler school.
So many times I have lied to myself and not listened to my instinct to stay far away, ....lately I am learning to say no when this comes up. But still, ...I have fallen prey to the self betraying double talk, ..you know the voice that says to do something different than you totally would not do otherwise. You know , ...when your body says, no, but your mind says, yes. So much drama in my life would have been avoided if I had just trusted my first instincts...but no regrets right?
I have had the voice of opportunity in my ear, and I have had that ear cut off by the sound at the same instant. My days ahead are not going to be without their challenges, ...I know the facts. It's not about me, it's about them, and their massing nature to cling to survival. I want to survive too, ..but Im not going to use people in my quest to find happiness. I don't take too much, ....I often take less than I should. I say more than I should in some moments, ...and clearly not enough in others.
There is a balance that happens when a new era come upon an individual. There is renewed activity, and new faces to explore and meet. But don't be fooled by a quick smile, or a solid handshake, .....those are only outward appearances, and can be easily faked. Trust that feeling inside that says "it's okay"....and when you get that pain in your gut and you feel the nausea hit. Yeah, your body, your spirit, your mind, it's telling you to stop and be aware.
Perfect Love and Perfect Trust, are fine and dandy as Ideals for the ultimate key to communication. A large percent of people have no concept of these things though, ....and light workers need to remember that though they are open and with their hearts and changing the world, there is no pay-cheque for being a good spirit.
Really though, I have found that when it's time for change, Im usually taking things away from the formula. I try to simplify and organize the best I can with the sources I have. Like when I quit hard drugs, ..I was working in bars and afterhours, ...so naturally I had to stop working in bars/afterhours and find something more conventional, which I did, and also succeeded at (for a short period). I took away the long nights, in dark corners, and the long sessions of drinking into the early morning.
It was interesting when I quit hard drugs, ..I was grasping desperately at straws to find a way out of the mess I was in. I was going to lose my family, and my closest friends if I didn't quit. It was all snowballing downhill very quickly and frankly, ...another month, and who knows where I would have ended up. And still, regardless of the odds, I did it, ..I got off hard drugs and found, for a time, a renewed connection with the world and some of the people in it that I loved and cared for.
Just over six years later, ....those people I wanted to be close to and keep dear. They have found their respective happiness in the form of new romantic relationships. One had two kids and moved out of town to another province, ...My brother, though I see him still, he's pretty much settled into his lifestyle, ...I don't see him even a quarter as much as I was seeing him at the time. Other friends, ..of course, falling to the wayside, some of them important parts of the plot at that period of time. And others, yes, ..married and in other situations much removed from where I am now.
So here I am six years later, ...I quit drugs, had a short relation ship of about a year and then five straight years of playing the field miserably and with total futility. I found another job, and was with that for a period, ..it kept me busy , ..and I was content I suppose, but only when I had a moment to notice. It wasn't so hard without hard drugs, ....I started to make some new friends and that's good. This is about what the goal was when I quit though...
Wanting to keep those people close to me ....? it didn't work. My sacrifice hadn't been enough to provide the desired ends. Maybe it was fated to that in some book somewhere...but the very thing that helped me get better from hard drugs and quit for good, without looking back, was this belief that if I did it, I would be able to keep the ones I loved in my life. That was a false belief though... and there is a sense of shame and guilt when I think about it ...I had quit hard drugs for purely selfish ends.
I discovered, ..that the sacrifice was not enough to provide me with my wish. And now six years later I am still learning that lesson. It's clearer now, it has stabilized into a cynical philosopher's fart: The World Owes You Nothing. For everything one does to affect change, there is not guarantee to any of it...most of the time you can thank luck for your success.
You can work and strive for you wallets appetite. You can wish for love or you can wish for war as you travel to and from that work. You can wish that your dinner comes to the table hot and tasty by friendly hands. But the world owes you nothing, and it will take from you for no reason, without notice or care even, not because it wants to, not because it can't survive itself without doing, but simply because it CAN.
No book in time has a promise for life, nor is there a promise from any lips that cannot be broken just as quickly. Nobody has to be honest to you, ...nobody has to respect you in any way whatsoever, or trust you. Nobody has to give you the answer they posses, or help you with your trials. No person on earth owes you nothing, ...not your lover/friend, ..not your parents, not your siblings or cousins, nobody.
It's a fighters world, the one that punches the most, gets what they want. Lovers are the weak, the masses tell their story that they believe their false hope, and yet they know some truth somehow in a way I do not. They see it for what it is, ...even behind their denial, ...they work their politics and coax from their relationships the things they desire. They are able to survive the system....
I know the difference between the masses and the light workers, ...and there are wolves and sheep everywhere...holy crap everywhere. Im not a shepherd either, Im as some would say "in the world but not of the world". That doesn't separate me from the experience, I think it shows me a bit more.
Im sorry the masses are driven by the needs of their material desires, ..failing to comprehend the picture beyond their agreed and separate cover stories. We all lie to ourselves and move on when maybe we should reconsider our stance. A friend of mine once said to me "challenge your story" ...and it made some sense. Make sure that the story your making for yourself is the story you want. And not some fear driven drivel for toddler school.
So many times I have lied to myself and not listened to my instinct to stay far away, ....lately I am learning to say no when this comes up. But still, ...I have fallen prey to the self betraying double talk, ..you know the voice that says to do something different than you totally would not do otherwise. You know , ...when your body says, no, but your mind says, yes. So much drama in my life would have been avoided if I had just trusted my first instincts...but no regrets right?
I have had the voice of opportunity in my ear, and I have had that ear cut off by the sound at the same instant. My days ahead are not going to be without their challenges, ...I know the facts. It's not about me, it's about them, and their massing nature to cling to survival. I want to survive too, ..but Im not going to use people in my quest to find happiness. I don't take too much, ....I often take less than I should. I say more than I should in some moments, ...and clearly not enough in others.
There is a balance that happens when a new era come upon an individual. There is renewed activity, and new faces to explore and meet. But don't be fooled by a quick smile, or a solid handshake, .....those are only outward appearances, and can be easily faked. Trust that feeling inside that says "it's okay"....and when you get that pain in your gut and you feel the nausea hit. Yeah, your body, your spirit, your mind, it's telling you to stop and be aware.
Perfect Love and Perfect Trust, are fine and dandy as Ideals for the ultimate key to communication. A large percent of people have no concept of these things though, ....and light workers need to remember that though they are open and with their hearts and changing the world, there is no pay-cheque for being a good spirit.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
What I do for The World
As many of you know, I am a practiced Tarot Reader. I have a lot invested into the fine art of interpreting the cards, on several public and not so public levels. I started reading when I was quite young and found quickly that the cards do much much more than just tell the future, The cards have a way of showing us what is not only around us in our energy ...but what our multiple options are. I've been always able to help others with their struggles in love, or money, or family, or home with my art. I found a way to work it into my life pattern. A gift I hope I can share throughout my whole life.
Naturally, with working with the cards, other things fell into place as well. Practicing Meditation, and studying Symblism is when things really started... But, before that, there was a secret, untapped and undeveloped. I found out this summer from my Auntie, that two of my Grandmothers on my Fathers Mothers side had had visions during their life time...I believe I remember it skipping a generation. My Grandmother and her Grandmother...yes, that is what I remember. My Great Great Grandmother was from the Caribbean.
Needless to say, I have this gift, from those women. And with today's modern tolerance of these gifts I am able to practice and continue to help others with it. Recently I met a new client, through a family member in regards to my art, and made arrangements for a phone consultation, one hour long over long distance from Arizona. Now I'm not going to use her name or talk about the details of her reading, but what I will tell you about is how I changed her view of the situation.
After a short period of time after her reading, "Grace" (we will call her) had completely turned her situation around. She had been able to see through the problems that were troubling her, she had found the answer she had been looking for. She was feeling energized at work, and finding success in the world where before she could not.
Now I don't take credit for any of that, for certain Grace did the work that she needed to do to find the ultimate change she was seeking. At the same time though, I was a "door" for Grace to go through in finding this new energy, this new attitude, this new idea of life in her. I was able to, with over 2300km between us, penetrate into her story with the cards, and find in one hour, an option that she had not considered.
The option(s) I found in the reading brought her to clarity of the situation and she requested another reading with me for another one hour session. This time I could see clearly what she was talking about....I could see how fully she had turned her life around to the positive. All through one phone call, to a stranger, she had never spoken to ever in her life.
I don't know about the rest of you, ...but I have very large experience with magick like this in my regular dealings. I, on a regular basis, help others find the very thing that they are missing, and most of the time, ..I only need three things. the cards, a channel, and a voice. It doesn't always help me in a big big way, and that is not the point. The point is even in this world of contending forces pitted against one another, there is always an answer somewhere to found.
For some people it's as easy as making a long distance phone call, for others it can be a life long journey to learn one simple lesson. We are not all fated to find the answers we seek by sending money via post. And that's a good thing, I believe, for if we all had the answers ...what would be left to seek?
The other day I overheard a couple talking on the bus, ...the male of the two said that life is about one thing "experience". I have no doubt in my head that he was speaking truth and wisdom in the same breath. A rare occasion comes when we can do both and not forget our higher purpose.
My higher purpose? ...to continue being that door to the Unknown, to provide for those in need an answer towards a divine ends. To not back down from the gifts that are my birth rite; and to stand apart from the masses that would force irrational ideals onto us.
Freedom is not without structure, and freedom is subjective to whom it is lived by. Don't forget your own when times get dark, remember always your roots and what you are at the core. Forget about the betrayals of common politics and social obligation, they are liars and the thieves of respect. Truly find that place where you can be who you want to be, (whatever it is) ...and you will be free. The rest is in the rear-veiw....it can be behind you now.
I maybe not rich with dollars ...but I have wealth in spirit. I may lack some faith in some corners,.. but I have more love than most can handle. I may believe in the story that world that is spiraling downward, but I have hope that somehow we will not fail, regardless of our human faults. All we can do at the end of the day is be thankful when we wake up the next morning. Truly breath is a blessing.
Naturally, with working with the cards, other things fell into place as well. Practicing Meditation, and studying Symblism is when things really started... But, before that, there was a secret, untapped and undeveloped. I found out this summer from my Auntie, that two of my Grandmothers on my Fathers Mothers side had had visions during their life time...I believe I remember it skipping a generation. My Grandmother and her Grandmother...yes, that is what I remember. My Great Great Grandmother was from the Caribbean.
Needless to say, I have this gift, from those women. And with today's modern tolerance of these gifts I am able to practice and continue to help others with it. Recently I met a new client, through a family member in regards to my art, and made arrangements for a phone consultation, one hour long over long distance from Arizona. Now I'm not going to use her name or talk about the details of her reading, but what I will tell you about is how I changed her view of the situation.
After a short period of time after her reading, "Grace" (we will call her) had completely turned her situation around. She had been able to see through the problems that were troubling her, she had found the answer she had been looking for. She was feeling energized at work, and finding success in the world where before she could not.
Now I don't take credit for any of that, for certain Grace did the work that she needed to do to find the ultimate change she was seeking. At the same time though, I was a "door" for Grace to go through in finding this new energy, this new attitude, this new idea of life in her. I was able to, with over 2300km between us, penetrate into her story with the cards, and find in one hour, an option that she had not considered.
The option(s) I found in the reading brought her to clarity of the situation and she requested another reading with me for another one hour session. This time I could see clearly what she was talking about....I could see how fully she had turned her life around to the positive. All through one phone call, to a stranger, she had never spoken to ever in her life.
I don't know about the rest of you, ...but I have very large experience with magick like this in my regular dealings. I, on a regular basis, help others find the very thing that they are missing, and most of the time, ..I only need three things. the cards, a channel, and a voice. It doesn't always help me in a big big way, and that is not the point. The point is even in this world of contending forces pitted against one another, there is always an answer somewhere to found.
For some people it's as easy as making a long distance phone call, for others it can be a life long journey to learn one simple lesson. We are not all fated to find the answers we seek by sending money via post. And that's a good thing, I believe, for if we all had the answers ...what would be left to seek?
The other day I overheard a couple talking on the bus, ...the male of the two said that life is about one thing "experience". I have no doubt in my head that he was speaking truth and wisdom in the same breath. A rare occasion comes when we can do both and not forget our higher purpose.
My higher purpose? ...to continue being that door to the Unknown, to provide for those in need an answer towards a divine ends. To not back down from the gifts that are my birth rite; and to stand apart from the masses that would force irrational ideals onto us.
Freedom is not without structure, and freedom is subjective to whom it is lived by. Don't forget your own when times get dark, remember always your roots and what you are at the core. Forget about the betrayals of common politics and social obligation, they are liars and the thieves of respect. Truly find that place where you can be who you want to be, (whatever it is) ...and you will be free. The rest is in the rear-veiw....it can be behind you now.
I maybe not rich with dollars ...but I have wealth in spirit. I may lack some faith in some corners,.. but I have more love than most can handle. I may believe in the story that world that is spiraling downward, but I have hope that somehow we will not fail, regardless of our human faults. All we can do at the end of the day is be thankful when we wake up the next morning. Truly breath is a blessing.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
What we leave behind doesn't die..
In all our lives we come to the certain clue that not everything can we take with us into the future. And we decide to eventually, to leave things behind and forget them, regardless of the state of the process it is in. We leave behind hats in train stations, ...and lovers, and friends, and even our enemies. We choose to move on and leave behind those things which don't serve us.
And still though, ..those things we leave behind, whatever they are, ...they don't die, ..they don't just magickally find themselves somewhere without need, ...those hats we leave behind are picked up and brought on journeys outside of our dimension. The lovers that we leave behind, go out, and forget themselves and find other people to love and laugh with, even marry and grow old with. The friends we forget, they find other people to rely on, and to look to for support, and our enemies ..well, they will always be in their respective place doing what they do best...
These pieces of our lives grow and change outside of our sight and control. And we have to be aware of this...because it's our karma in these events and people, ...it is who/what we are. Or rather where we are from...what you forget will come back to remind you of your life.
Recently my ex husband from 1998 contacted me. He started by poking me on face book ...and I with an open heart thought he was trying to reconnect, regardless of his new relationship ( I think they are married). He brought up the fact that he had just found out that a common friend of ours had died. A friend that died years ago now. I was irked that he was that out of touch , ...but let it slide.
The email s continued, and to my total disbelief he revealed eventually that he was seeking an apology from me. After telling me that I was a horrid person to him and that he doesn't respect me, that I owe him an apology, ..that I had never offered one.
Now in my world, apologies are for the weak, people who regret and rescind their very actions in the world. I essentially told him he could go stick where the Sun don't shine, but with much different words.
He comes back that he wants peace in his house...I dunno, ..I kind of lost track at this point. But he was trying to be nice, ..so I did the right thing and made the apology that he so desperately was seeking. This is over 10 years after the fact. we separated in 98...
Holding onto this subject for so long...both of us had our soft raw spots. He suggested that I may want an apology for what he did in his reactions to my actions. I told him ...I didn't ever need an apology. I know what happened by my own account. I did my best to protect people from the events that happened back then.. And frankly it seems Im the only one that is still suffering still from those days. He's married and move and living with prayer and faith in his wonderful life. Our mutual friend whom which took his side all those years ago ...she's living it large traveling the West Coast preforming sacred Art and dancing the woman song for all her sisters.
The circle of friends that tore us apart, ...well, I have no idea what happened to them, ..one of them came into a lot of money and was found lip locked with a 7 year old a couple years later, ..not good. Another one, last I heard was in a mental hospital, and they were not going to let her out. ...like ever.
I thought I had a good life, ...Ive done some good things lately. I admit my mistakes. Im honest to the people in my life. I may not always get the point, but I still try regardless. I don't want to believe Im a bad person. (who does)
The thing is ...I left all this behind me. I moved on, I pushed forward and left behind, my ex husband, his best friend and the others that were involved with the thing s that happened back then. I took the high road and carried on alone, as it was written for me.
I ended up in the hospital shortly after my ex's and mine separation...I was very sick. I was in the hospital for a week, ...when I got out. I had to move into my brothers flat so I wouldn't be on the street. His roomate and his friends bullied me incredulously. My brother was flown to Queen Charlette Islands to work with my mom. I didn't have my husband, ...my best friend was gone too. The one person, my brother, who I could still trust abandoned me in my hour of darkness. I was alone, in a psychotic episode, penny-less, and with a cat and kittens. One of the guys the roomate let stay at the house was a homophobe, and used to threaten to beat me if I came out of my room, and would stand over top of me as if he was going to beat me too. This one fellow was so abusive to my cat that she would relieve herself on my while I slept. poor cat, I ended up haveing to give here away. I couldn't take care of her.
I had put it all behind me, ...and then the ex shows up and he's not done. He's ready for another round, ...only it's 10 years later. WTF am I supposed to do? ...
A true apology consists of three parts, ...the apology itself, ...then the acceptance of blame, and of course recourse (what I am going to do to make it better). But after 10 years how can I possibly come back with an apology of true Nature. My ex isn't in my life, ...none of the people I was around are in my life anymore, that life is gone, and Im glad. How am I supposed to make it better? ...really?
I sent my apology to my ex. I hope he stops emailing me. Ive had so much happen to me inside lately, ..it's like Im going through this test, but I don't know the answers and there's this big ticking bomb that's timing away tic tic tic. I don't know if bomb really or if it's just a stopwatch. But I don't have the answers, if I did I would be happy, and would not have had to throw away that life I had with those people and places.
I forgave everyone a long time ago, without their apology. Fortunately, I was brought up with the value that forgiveness happens within, not because we are asked to. I don't know where I learned that, ...but I've written it down now.
Why does this have to happen now?...when Im hardly keeping my head out of the dirt. ...when Im chasing shadows and skimming the surface like some bug. I really am sitting here, like I have been sitting here all day. wondering ...WTF just happened? ....Why now? ...Why this moment? ...I can hardly breath in this exact second because the anxiety is too much, my chest is tight and honestly, I want to just disappear and never be found.
This entry has little form , ...and maybe not a subject necessarily.
I guess deep down when I put those parts of my life in a box and then put that box in the back of my mind, I was hoping others would as well. I just want to have a life I can be proud of. It seems though that the people from my past will have no hand in making that happen. I feel like right now shame is easier than anything, because others think I should be. I don't want to feel like that, ..but there it is on cue with their uprising texting statements. Why should I be proud when everyone else looks at me as damaged goods or dirty or shameless or whatever.
I don't care about what other people think at all, ...but when they start stirring the ghost s of the past, ...it come alive with active processes. Am I ever going to be free of all this pain?...my instincts tell me "no, you get to live with it the rest of your natural life. Enjoy your own doing"
People like my ex, and the others that left me to fend for myself all those years ago, I forgave them. I didn't hold them responsible for their mistakes, and so now I am left with what's left. my broken ego, my empty days, and empty heart. And still I have to be the "right guy" anyways and give them what they want regardless of the pain Im still in. Still reliving those abandonment's over and over.
Why am I this person? What is my purpose here? I may not have complete answers for these questions...but I am seeking them through these writings.
Light provide me with the strength to put this pain away into the past, so that I may grow and flourish. I fear without that exact process I will never be free. And people like this will be coming back over and over and over for the rest of my life. There's no way out of ones life, it is what it is, and all of us have to live with our mistakes. Eventually , ..in time, ...they fade. For the record of Stew ...it takes more than ten years.
this didn't really help much for me...but maybe it will help you.
And still though, ..those things we leave behind, whatever they are, ...they don't die, ..they don't just magickally find themselves somewhere without need, ...those hats we leave behind are picked up and brought on journeys outside of our dimension. The lovers that we leave behind, go out, and forget themselves and find other people to love and laugh with, even marry and grow old with. The friends we forget, they find other people to rely on, and to look to for support, and our enemies ..well, they will always be in their respective place doing what they do best...
These pieces of our lives grow and change outside of our sight and control. And we have to be aware of this...because it's our karma in these events and people, ...it is who/what we are. Or rather where we are from...what you forget will come back to remind you of your life.
Recently my ex husband from 1998 contacted me. He started by poking me on face book ...and I with an open heart thought he was trying to reconnect, regardless of his new relationship ( I think they are married). He brought up the fact that he had just found out that a common friend of ours had died. A friend that died years ago now. I was irked that he was that out of touch , ...but let it slide.
The email s continued, and to my total disbelief he revealed eventually that he was seeking an apology from me. After telling me that I was a horrid person to him and that he doesn't respect me, that I owe him an apology, ..that I had never offered one.
Now in my world, apologies are for the weak, people who regret and rescind their very actions in the world. I essentially told him he could go stick where the Sun don't shine, but with much different words.
He comes back that he wants peace in his house...I dunno, ..I kind of lost track at this point. But he was trying to be nice, ..so I did the right thing and made the apology that he so desperately was seeking. This is over 10 years after the fact. we separated in 98...
Holding onto this subject for so long...both of us had our soft raw spots. He suggested that I may want an apology for what he did in his reactions to my actions. I told him ...I didn't ever need an apology. I know what happened by my own account. I did my best to protect people from the events that happened back then.. And frankly it seems Im the only one that is still suffering still from those days. He's married and move and living with prayer and faith in his wonderful life. Our mutual friend whom which took his side all those years ago ...she's living it large traveling the West Coast preforming sacred Art and dancing the woman song for all her sisters.
The circle of friends that tore us apart, ...well, I have no idea what happened to them, ..one of them came into a lot of money and was found lip locked with a 7 year old a couple years later, ..not good. Another one, last I heard was in a mental hospital, and they were not going to let her out. ...like ever.
I thought I had a good life, ...Ive done some good things lately. I admit my mistakes. Im honest to the people in my life. I may not always get the point, but I still try regardless. I don't want to believe Im a bad person. (who does)
The thing is ...I left all this behind me. I moved on, I pushed forward and left behind, my ex husband, his best friend and the others that were involved with the thing s that happened back then. I took the high road and carried on alone, as it was written for me.
I ended up in the hospital shortly after my ex's and mine separation...I was very sick. I was in the hospital for a week, ...when I got out. I had to move into my brothers flat so I wouldn't be on the street. His roomate and his friends bullied me incredulously. My brother was flown to Queen Charlette Islands to work with my mom. I didn't have my husband, ...my best friend was gone too. The one person, my brother, who I could still trust abandoned me in my hour of darkness. I was alone, in a psychotic episode, penny-less, and with a cat and kittens. One of the guys the roomate let stay at the house was a homophobe, and used to threaten to beat me if I came out of my room, and would stand over top of me as if he was going to beat me too. This one fellow was so abusive to my cat that she would relieve herself on my while I slept. poor cat, I ended up haveing to give here away. I couldn't take care of her.
I had put it all behind me, ...and then the ex shows up and he's not done. He's ready for another round, ...only it's 10 years later. WTF am I supposed to do? ...
A true apology consists of three parts, ...the apology itself, ...then the acceptance of blame, and of course recourse (what I am going to do to make it better). But after 10 years how can I possibly come back with an apology of true Nature. My ex isn't in my life, ...none of the people I was around are in my life anymore, that life is gone, and Im glad. How am I supposed to make it better? ...really?
I sent my apology to my ex. I hope he stops emailing me. Ive had so much happen to me inside lately, ..it's like Im going through this test, but I don't know the answers and there's this big ticking bomb that's timing away tic tic tic. I don't know if bomb really or if it's just a stopwatch. But I don't have the answers, if I did I would be happy, and would not have had to throw away that life I had with those people and places.
I forgave everyone a long time ago, without their apology. Fortunately, I was brought up with the value that forgiveness happens within, not because we are asked to. I don't know where I learned that, ...but I've written it down now.
Why does this have to happen now?...when Im hardly keeping my head out of the dirt. ...when Im chasing shadows and skimming the surface like some bug. I really am sitting here, like I have been sitting here all day. wondering ...WTF just happened? ....Why now? ...Why this moment? ...I can hardly breath in this exact second because the anxiety is too much, my chest is tight and honestly, I want to just disappear and never be found.
This entry has little form , ...and maybe not a subject necessarily.
I guess deep down when I put those parts of my life in a box and then put that box in the back of my mind, I was hoping others would as well. I just want to have a life I can be proud of. It seems though that the people from my past will have no hand in making that happen. I feel like right now shame is easier than anything, because others think I should be. I don't want to feel like that, ..but there it is on cue with their uprising texting statements. Why should I be proud when everyone else looks at me as damaged goods or dirty or shameless or whatever.
I don't care about what other people think at all, ...but when they start stirring the ghost s of the past, ...it come alive with active processes. Am I ever going to be free of all this pain?...my instincts tell me "no, you get to live with it the rest of your natural life. Enjoy your own doing"
People like my ex, and the others that left me to fend for myself all those years ago, I forgave them. I didn't hold them responsible for their mistakes, and so now I am left with what's left. my broken ego, my empty days, and empty heart. And still I have to be the "right guy" anyways and give them what they want regardless of the pain Im still in. Still reliving those abandonment's over and over.
Why am I this person? What is my purpose here? I may not have complete answers for these questions...but I am seeking them through these writings.
Light provide me with the strength to put this pain away into the past, so that I may grow and flourish. I fear without that exact process I will never be free. And people like this will be coming back over and over and over for the rest of my life. There's no way out of ones life, it is what it is, and all of us have to live with our mistakes. Eventually , ..in time, ...they fade. For the record of Stew ...it takes more than ten years.
this didn't really help much for me...but maybe it will help you.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Choosing when love has served its purpose..
Love will save all in it's divine Nature, and hold us warm in the bosom of life will it not? We are taught in spiritual circles to find your bliss, find the LOVE. Some call it AGAPE: Love Transcending The Universe; some feel it, in there bellies, I feel in my chest. We all want love to be safe and worthy of trust.
Mostly what brings us away from love, is abuse. and as we grow older sometimes these abuses lead to more abuse. A wide variety of abuse programs to follow, some directed outward, some directed in on ones own self out of pure desperation to hold onto that starved ego. As long as abuse continues we rarely find our divine self.
Often, maybe usually, we find that these abuses are directed at ourselves from others, and we must walk away, or "get along", to save face, not only for ourselves ...but our families, including the family we can often choose for ourselves.
After all is said and done, we have at all times been guilty of some abuse or another, as a general statement. We can argue levels of abuse by frequency, or vulgarity. We can weigh and measure the spaces between moderation and excess, and recreational and obsessive. It must be said, that at the end of each day, these measurements tell no tale of how to solve their dooming nature.
Brought up in a world of Material Gain and Position, rather than on Knowledge and Love. And certainly we have all touched love on some level, whether it was a large experience..like one from a old close parent, or husbands and wives, lovers, pets. Some of us are sensitive to feel love from plants..(that's another story)...love can be small and effective as well, like holding the door a couple seconds as the next person coming through begins his 3 seconds holding the door open. There is love in that, ..it isn't going to change the world overnight but it shows that there was forethought.
We can all find purpose for our love as well. With purpose, and righteousness as well. We feel it's our birthright to have love in our lives, we are encouraged to find it on so many different levels, I bet we don't even notice how many time a day we are tempted with the thought of love, ..and the possibility that that love may hold for this ever changing now into the future.
And we are blinded by it...love your lover, love your children, love your things, love yourself, love with passion!
But are we taught to love? ...really? I mean we all find information on love in our days of trial and err on Planet Earth. And still I find we are not taught how to define love, for ourselves namely, and secondly to the others. the ones sharing this bounty.
Maybe abuse takes us away from love, maybe love is not taught in the depth it needs to be; Perhaps, somewhere there is an answer to untie the two in my ego. We all need the tools to do this, there is a path towards a solution. And that is where the faith lies. In believing in that path away from abuse, the path away from starved souls.
Finding love is not going to be any true task to find, ...truth is there is love in everything, and there is more light than shadow, we will always have the end of the tunnel to find our way out.
And don't be afraid to let go of love from time to time. It will always follow you secretly without you noticing. It will find you in your darkest thoughts and try to give you the sight to see beyond micro-existence. It will force you to reconsider your dark side behaviors of abuse. It's abuse that is keeping us from love.
Mostly what brings us away from love, is abuse. and as we grow older sometimes these abuses lead to more abuse. A wide variety of abuse programs to follow, some directed outward, some directed in on ones own self out of pure desperation to hold onto that starved ego. As long as abuse continues we rarely find our divine self.
Often, maybe usually, we find that these abuses are directed at ourselves from others, and we must walk away, or "get along", to save face, not only for ourselves ...but our families, including the family we can often choose for ourselves.
After all is said and done, we have at all times been guilty of some abuse or another, as a general statement. We can argue levels of abuse by frequency, or vulgarity. We can weigh and measure the spaces between moderation and excess, and recreational and obsessive. It must be said, that at the end of each day, these measurements tell no tale of how to solve their dooming nature.
Brought up in a world of Material Gain and Position, rather than on Knowledge and Love. And certainly we have all touched love on some level, whether it was a large experience..like one from a old close parent, or husbands and wives, lovers, pets. Some of us are sensitive to feel love from plants..(that's another story)...love can be small and effective as well, like holding the door a couple seconds as the next person coming through begins his 3 seconds holding the door open. There is love in that, ..it isn't going to change the world overnight but it shows that there was forethought.
We can all find purpose for our love as well. With purpose, and righteousness as well. We feel it's our birthright to have love in our lives, we are encouraged to find it on so many different levels, I bet we don't even notice how many time a day we are tempted with the thought of love, ..and the possibility that that love may hold for this ever changing now into the future.
And we are blinded by it...love your lover, love your children, love your things, love yourself, love with passion!
But are we taught to love? ...really? I mean we all find information on love in our days of trial and err on Planet Earth. And still I find we are not taught how to define love, for ourselves namely, and secondly to the others. the ones sharing this bounty.
Maybe abuse takes us away from love, maybe love is not taught in the depth it needs to be; Perhaps, somewhere there is an answer to untie the two in my ego. We all need the tools to do this, there is a path towards a solution. And that is where the faith lies. In believing in that path away from abuse, the path away from starved souls.
Finding love is not going to be any true task to find, ...truth is there is love in everything, and there is more light than shadow, we will always have the end of the tunnel to find our way out.
And don't be afraid to let go of love from time to time. It will always follow you secretly without you noticing. It will find you in your darkest thoughts and try to give you the sight to see beyond micro-existence. It will force you to reconsider your dark side behaviors of abuse. It's abuse that is keeping us from love.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Finding the proper air to breath...
As we shed our lifes, and the parts of our lives, during life, that we do not need, we must certainly find something to fill in the spaces left by those subtractions. Except, how does one fill in those spaces with something of not only meaning and value, but also of quality and skill. I have to be honest, it's not an easy question to answer.
We can choose to fill our lives with Knowledge, and hope that Wisdom follows, for sure there is a big line between the two. One can know something, and still not know how to exact it's delivery. Is seems that this is where I stand currently.
There is Knowledge, however an illusion, still bubbling from the stove, and yet without a plate, I will have to eat it from the pot. Who wants to eat from a pot? I don't know if it's some morality inside that tells me I need a plate, ..it's just how things are done.
I keep thinking that Love is going to save us from ourselves, on and off with the switch on faith; I want to believe, but when I see it for what it is Im just going to real back in horror. The shit we have all done to eachother, what we do to ourselves privately. the platypus effect of hating our differences, ..I suppose some of us don't have that.
I guess it comes to Forgiveness eventually...letting go involves forgiving our mistakes. Instead of beating a sack of potatoes for not being able to cook themselves. Maybe I should eat out of the pot, ...careless of the stupidity all around me, ..the contradiction of wills/forces, contending energies ...pulling in one direction or the next.
I guess one just have to go beyond their own thoughts and keep into the imagination. Truly mankind has never failed at having an imagination to invent and create with. It truly is an amazing and grand thing, and it can even stated that imagination has few limits. One being, we can only imagine what we want to believe; whether consciously or not, if we don't want to believe it we won't dream it.
Coming back to the begining, ..I suppose we must fill those empty spaces left in place of the things which do not serve us, with the the dreams of the imagination.
Our souls true wish... what we desire/want on a base level. If you only knew the truth behind that, reader and friend. I would have no need for these writings...
We can choose to fill our lives with Knowledge, and hope that Wisdom follows, for sure there is a big line between the two. One can know something, and still not know how to exact it's delivery. Is seems that this is where I stand currently.
There is Knowledge, however an illusion, still bubbling from the stove, and yet without a plate, I will have to eat it from the pot. Who wants to eat from a pot? I don't know if it's some morality inside that tells me I need a plate, ..it's just how things are done.
I keep thinking that Love is going to save us from ourselves, on and off with the switch on faith; I want to believe, but when I see it for what it is Im just going to real back in horror. The shit we have all done to eachother, what we do to ourselves privately. the platypus effect of hating our differences, ..I suppose some of us don't have that.
I guess it comes to Forgiveness eventually...letting go involves forgiving our mistakes. Instead of beating a sack of potatoes for not being able to cook themselves. Maybe I should eat out of the pot, ...careless of the stupidity all around me, ..the contradiction of wills/forces, contending energies ...pulling in one direction or the next.
I guess one just have to go beyond their own thoughts and keep into the imagination. Truly mankind has never failed at having an imagination to invent and create with. It truly is an amazing and grand thing, and it can even stated that imagination has few limits. One being, we can only imagine what we want to believe; whether consciously or not, if we don't want to believe it we won't dream it.
Coming back to the begining, ..I suppose we must fill those empty spaces left in place of the things which do not serve us, with the the dreams of the imagination.
Our souls true wish... what we desire/want on a base level. If you only knew the truth behind that, reader and friend. I would have no need for these writings...
Friday, October 29, 2010
"Meeting the 'right' person starts with becoming the 'right' person"
This is what one of my Facebook friends posted on his page this morning; and, frankly, if not certainly there is point to be taken from it. I want to know though, what exactly "right" is in a society where morals and ethics barely have any clout any longer. Society is degrading at such a fast rate.
I mean, with everyone and their lives crumbling in on themselves, the fact that some peoples words are without any value. Where a promise isn't trust. Where respect is argued rather than displayed naturally. We all fight against ourselves in our ignorance. Sometimes we don't even realize that we are more lost than we were when we discovered we were lost.
Being the "right" person, is not going to save any of us from the plight of the modern age...economic/social collapse. There are still going to be the vampires/masses of the world sucking us dry. There still, will be all the lies that were told, and the cheats we've all acted out in our daily lives. The things we tell ourselves so that we can get along with our days, ...what we defend to the death, or let go without notice. It all shows in each of us, not only to others, but ourselves as well. (if we are looking) It shows us just how shallow our bottom lines are.
I have turned my eye blind to so many different situations which were painful and hurtful. And put those moments aside, so that I could carry on, deal, cope, whichever I needed to do to continue. And inside those exact things that I was ignoring, they ate away at my insides. Changing me into a empty, vacuous, pit ......leaving me with no choice but to fill my head with drugs, and sex, and booze.
And now that I have completely fallen off one of the wagons I put myself on, perspective is all so very clear. One sees things for what they are in reality, ....and I tell you: It's not pretty. I am the very definition of cynic, I believe at my very core that people will take care of their own needs over the needs of the many or even the few at times. People will protect their own interests, purely out of survival. I tried to ignore this fact as well, but it's there....always. I think it's part of growing into Knowledge.
Spirituality teaches us to Trust and Love the things in our lives. Trust/Love the Path your on, Trust/Love your lover or friends/family, Trust/Love yourself. But in this action there is a vulnerability that Spirituality does not speak about, the fact that one cannot expect these things to be reflected back to you. You have to just give it out unconditional and as pure as possible. Seriously though, ...and when we are without light it tells us to have "faith" ....meanwhile, the masses are growing and growing killing and raping the planet.
Most people, even the good ones, when presented with Love/Trust, will not only reject it, they will not even Respect it with acceptance. We aren't taught these things...we are taught how to build, and create, and finish all these tasks in our daily lifes...some more important than others. But we are not taught how to Love, or how to Trust, or how to Respect works. We all have to discover it for ourselves through trial and err, in life, by chance.. One would think after 25,000 years of civilization we could find some common ground on where to find these things, ...but we don't. We are so lost.
There's no order in the world, that's why we are all addicted, ...we have to be addicted to something to crush the knowing that there is no order. We hide in food, or drugs, or exercise, or alcohol, or expensive toys....at the end of the day , ...we are all trying hold it together, so that we don't lose some imaginary trophy.
Well, I say , ...fuck it. Im tired of being told to be the "right" person, Im refuse to hold myself together any longer so that I can hold onto the belief for a minute that I'm right for someone or something. It's ridiculous to try and meet other peoples expectations, ...I have had my own, and they are enough to handle. People just take what appeals to them, ...there's so much more. I don't care if Im the right person or not, ...Im going to be me, and if that isn't enough, well, tough titty. I have better things to do that be right for someone else.
I've met a lot of people, and I tell you, ...some were not right, but they are still in my life regardless, I didn't judge them and throw them to the dogs like so many others would without hardly a blink. Just because I dont' agree, or we don't agree, it doesn't mean there is no value. People still have value whether they are right or not.....
Im not going to be the right person for someone that has no sense of Love, Trust, or Respect...what a waste of my time. I'd rather be alone than with someone that views me as the right guy...please. Look at the big picture people ...it's not all about what we want ya know. There's plenty more beyond "desire"...
Stop looking for the "right" person, ...and consider what "fits" ....
I mean, with everyone and their lives crumbling in on themselves, the fact that some peoples words are without any value. Where a promise isn't trust. Where respect is argued rather than displayed naturally. We all fight against ourselves in our ignorance. Sometimes we don't even realize that we are more lost than we were when we discovered we were lost.
Being the "right" person, is not going to save any of us from the plight of the modern age...economic/social collapse. There are still going to be the vampires/masses of the world sucking us dry. There still, will be all the lies that were told, and the cheats we've all acted out in our daily lives. The things we tell ourselves so that we can get along with our days, ...what we defend to the death, or let go without notice. It all shows in each of us, not only to others, but ourselves as well. (if we are looking) It shows us just how shallow our bottom lines are.
I have turned my eye blind to so many different situations which were painful and hurtful. And put those moments aside, so that I could carry on, deal, cope, whichever I needed to do to continue. And inside those exact things that I was ignoring, they ate away at my insides. Changing me into a empty, vacuous, pit ......leaving me with no choice but to fill my head with drugs, and sex, and booze.
And now that I have completely fallen off one of the wagons I put myself on, perspective is all so very clear. One sees things for what they are in reality, ....and I tell you: It's not pretty. I am the very definition of cynic, I believe at my very core that people will take care of their own needs over the needs of the many or even the few at times. People will protect their own interests, purely out of survival. I tried to ignore this fact as well, but it's there....always. I think it's part of growing into Knowledge.
Spirituality teaches us to Trust and Love the things in our lives. Trust/Love the Path your on, Trust/Love your lover or friends/family, Trust/Love yourself. But in this action there is a vulnerability that Spirituality does not speak about, the fact that one cannot expect these things to be reflected back to you. You have to just give it out unconditional and as pure as possible. Seriously though, ...and when we are without light it tells us to have "faith" ....meanwhile, the masses are growing and growing killing and raping the planet.
Most people, even the good ones, when presented with Love/Trust, will not only reject it, they will not even Respect it with acceptance. We aren't taught these things...we are taught how to build, and create, and finish all these tasks in our daily lifes...some more important than others. But we are not taught how to Love, or how to Trust, or how to Respect works. We all have to discover it for ourselves through trial and err, in life, by chance.. One would think after 25,000 years of civilization we could find some common ground on where to find these things, ...but we don't. We are so lost.
There's no order in the world, that's why we are all addicted, ...we have to be addicted to something to crush the knowing that there is no order. We hide in food, or drugs, or exercise, or alcohol, or expensive toys....at the end of the day , ...we are all trying hold it together, so that we don't lose some imaginary trophy.
Well, I say , ...fuck it. Im tired of being told to be the "right" person, Im refuse to hold myself together any longer so that I can hold onto the belief for a minute that I'm right for someone or something. It's ridiculous to try and meet other peoples expectations, ...I have had my own, and they are enough to handle. People just take what appeals to them, ...there's so much more. I don't care if Im the right person or not, ...Im going to be me, and if that isn't enough, well, tough titty. I have better things to do that be right for someone else.
I've met a lot of people, and I tell you, ...some were not right, but they are still in my life regardless, I didn't judge them and throw them to the dogs like so many others would without hardly a blink. Just because I dont' agree, or we don't agree, it doesn't mean there is no value. People still have value whether they are right or not.....
Im not going to be the right person for someone that has no sense of Love, Trust, or Respect...what a waste of my time. I'd rather be alone than with someone that views me as the right guy...please. Look at the big picture people ...it's not all about what we want ya know. There's plenty more beyond "desire"...
Stop looking for the "right" person, ...and consider what "fits" ....
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Steps backwards in the journey...
In all of our journeys there are steps back wards. Sometimes we take a step too close to the edge, we take a step back ...and yes we can all find a objective view of ourselves in that instance. Life has definitely stepped up a notch as I watch all the pictures before me in that step back. Suddenly and with little introduction, we are forced to see the image we don't want to see.
Now I see all those things as they are I suppose, the connection is unmistakable. None of us are perfect, and trying to achieve perfect "all" the time is virtually impossible. We all have to look back at some point and realize where we come from, not just from family, but from out own choices and even fate (if we can dream a bit). I chose the life I have today, possibly in ignorance, yet still all of this is of my design.
The estrangement(s), abuse(s), the rise(s), the epiphany moment(s). Some more fleeting than others, I have made a choice to do somethings one way and other things another way. All definitely for the sake of Ego...so that I could get what my "Self" wanted. Throwing caution to the wind, professing I am opening my mind, but really just running as long and far as I could from the things which plague me. Things like negative thoughts, negative people (vampires), negative behavior. There comes a point where everything needs to be considered.
I am at that point, there is no denying it any longer, new choices need to be made ...choices for a future from now, ...not from my past. To truly shed all that doesn't serve us, we have to shed our very Ego, so that we don't even posses the moment ....the moment is there, and it is alive in love, and then it passes...any attachment we have must be shed as well. Holding onto the moment seems to be the very thing dragging me down in my moment with those images flashing before my senses. Somehow I believe that holding onto the moment is going to save me or make me happy. That is a true Lie...
Thinking positive is fine and useful, but that's not all one has to be in happiness. Letting ones own Ego and even Righteousness ....we may be each unique and full of power. Untapped that power lies in us all waiting to be explored. What happens after we have explored that power? What happens when we see it? Are we to all let that go as well?
Perhaps is just comes down to moderation...
Now I see all those things as they are I suppose, the connection is unmistakable. None of us are perfect, and trying to achieve perfect "all" the time is virtually impossible. We all have to look back at some point and realize where we come from, not just from family, but from out own choices and even fate (if we can dream a bit). I chose the life I have today, possibly in ignorance, yet still all of this is of my design.
The estrangement(s), abuse(s), the rise(s), the epiphany moment(s). Some more fleeting than others, I have made a choice to do somethings one way and other things another way. All definitely for the sake of Ego...so that I could get what my "Self" wanted. Throwing caution to the wind, professing I am opening my mind, but really just running as long and far as I could from the things which plague me. Things like negative thoughts, negative people (vampires), negative behavior. There comes a point where everything needs to be considered.
I am at that point, there is no denying it any longer, new choices need to be made ...choices for a future from now, ...not from my past. To truly shed all that doesn't serve us, we have to shed our very Ego, so that we don't even posses the moment ....the moment is there, and it is alive in love, and then it passes...any attachment we have must be shed as well. Holding onto the moment seems to be the very thing dragging me down in my moment with those images flashing before my senses. Somehow I believe that holding onto the moment is going to save me or make me happy. That is a true Lie...
Thinking positive is fine and useful, but that's not all one has to be in happiness. Letting ones own Ego and even Righteousness ....we may be each unique and full of power. Untapped that power lies in us all waiting to be explored. What happens after we have explored that power? What happens when we see it? Are we to all let that go as well?
Perhaps is just comes down to moderation...
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Difficulty in the letting go..
Through all of this letting go, ...one finds the blocks and obstacles of their own design bubbling to the surface and rearing their horrid head. It's been 18 days since I quit marijuana, and to be honest, it is most certainly making ripples on the surface of the pond.
I told myself that I would try not to drink in this period too much, but have found myself, more and more, turning to spirits to combat the myriad of emotions flying around me constantly. It's like all the things that were driving me to do drugs, smoke cigarettes, and pot...they are all coming into the open. Ive tried to face them head on, and for the most part it's a positive experience. I've tried to be strong, but still....there is alcohol. And I have to find some balance....sigh*
Usually alcohol isn't a problem with me, ..I don't drink socially most of the time, I drink occasionally. Yet, since I began this process of letting go, ...I have just grabbed a hold of alcohol in my attempt to find peace. Of course, no peace is going to be found in alcohol, ...only drama and more addiction.
I am actually finding myself with two hangovers in the last week, which is like a first in years and years...two in one week? .(it's almost a oddity). I fall further away from part of my goal which is independence from substance....but with all this going on inside me, ...how should I find that peace that I am so desperately seeking?
Ive tried spirituality, and it only brought me to further from the light as I was surrounded by vampires and tyrants..people who claim to be the light, except they are only shadows of Divinity. As soon as they have extinguished any use for me, I am discarded. I have done meditation, and the rituals that can help to balance, and still though, balance does not erase the past, ..nor, in my experience, does it make peace. If anything Balance requires much work ....and often without the same reward a drug or alcohol can bring.
To tell you the truth, ...Im not really changed at all by the experience of quitting all this foolery and addiction. An acquaintance of mine said I had changed very little on the inside. The problem it seems is not in the substance, but in my sight of the world. Negative feelings, negative emotions, negative associations with the world is what drove me to addiction. It wasn't the drug that I was addicted to ...it was the constant fight with ones self to stay the course in my battle to find balance. And so I find that balance does not come from the things we do but rather how we do them, and how we feel while we do them.
I don't know where things are going to head from here. Today is Thanksgiving Day, and there is a turkey dinner waiting for me somewhere in the heights of Coal Harbor. I am going to try and be positive about the experience...regardless of my instincts (probably not smart). And hopefully, just maybe I can finally find the peace I am looking for...I have to try. (otherwise I won't be able to look at myself in the mirror)
I expect nothing of the sort I might add, ..it will be as it always is ...with people all around living out their lives. Indulgent and full of heathen debauchery, and with no care for the pain and suffering in the world , ....stuffing their faces, and loosening their belts in gluttony at the end of the meal. And I will join in , ...because that is what is expected of me... some of them won't even be able to finish their meals , ....because the will have taken too much on their plate. (not unlike me in this project towards health).
I don't expect to make more friends in this process of letting go, ...and probably at the end of it there is going to be so much change around me, that I will hardly recognize myself in the mirror when I look. I was told last night that I speak the "truth". Well, if one knows anything about truth, it's that, at the beginning ...nobody wants to hear it.
I told myself that I would try not to drink in this period too much, but have found myself, more and more, turning to spirits to combat the myriad of emotions flying around me constantly. It's like all the things that were driving me to do drugs, smoke cigarettes, and pot...they are all coming into the open. Ive tried to face them head on, and for the most part it's a positive experience. I've tried to be strong, but still....there is alcohol. And I have to find some balance....sigh*
Usually alcohol isn't a problem with me, ..I don't drink socially most of the time, I drink occasionally. Yet, since I began this process of letting go, ...I have just grabbed a hold of alcohol in my attempt to find peace. Of course, no peace is going to be found in alcohol, ...only drama and more addiction.
I am actually finding myself with two hangovers in the last week, which is like a first in years and years...two in one week? .(it's almost a oddity). I fall further away from part of my goal which is independence from substance....but with all this going on inside me, ...how should I find that peace that I am so desperately seeking?
Ive tried spirituality, and it only brought me to further from the light as I was surrounded by vampires and tyrants..people who claim to be the light, except they are only shadows of Divinity. As soon as they have extinguished any use for me, I am discarded. I have done meditation, and the rituals that can help to balance, and still though, balance does not erase the past, ..nor, in my experience, does it make peace. If anything Balance requires much work ....and often without the same reward a drug or alcohol can bring.
To tell you the truth, ...Im not really changed at all by the experience of quitting all this foolery and addiction. An acquaintance of mine said I had changed very little on the inside. The problem it seems is not in the substance, but in my sight of the world. Negative feelings, negative emotions, negative associations with the world is what drove me to addiction. It wasn't the drug that I was addicted to ...it was the constant fight with ones self to stay the course in my battle to find balance. And so I find that balance does not come from the things we do but rather how we do them, and how we feel while we do them.
I don't know where things are going to head from here. Today is Thanksgiving Day, and there is a turkey dinner waiting for me somewhere in the heights of Coal Harbor. I am going to try and be positive about the experience...regardless of my instincts (probably not smart). And hopefully, just maybe I can finally find the peace I am looking for...I have to try. (otherwise I won't be able to look at myself in the mirror)
I expect nothing of the sort I might add, ..it will be as it always is ...with people all around living out their lives. Indulgent and full of heathen debauchery, and with no care for the pain and suffering in the world , ....stuffing their faces, and loosening their belts in gluttony at the end of the meal. And I will join in , ...because that is what is expected of me... some of them won't even be able to finish their meals , ....because the will have taken too much on their plate. (not unlike me in this project towards health).
I don't expect to make more friends in this process of letting go, ...and probably at the end of it there is going to be so much change around me, that I will hardly recognize myself in the mirror when I look. I was told last night that I speak the "truth". Well, if one knows anything about truth, it's that, at the beginning ...nobody wants to hear it.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Still on the road to happiness...
So with all this dropping away of the things that don't serve me, I decided to send my lost Father a letter to remind him of what he has done to me generally, and specifically. Im not sure what will come out of it. I figured after the amount of ignorant dismissal by him that is was time I leveled the field and let him know, that I know what he has done. I am an adult now and can see clearly the events of my past in the bigger picture.
I spent a mere 20 minutes writing the letter, outlining in not so many words, that he should reconsider what he is and what he has contributed in the present and past towards not only me but my twin. (which is quite menial) It' wasn't a kind letter, but it wasn't brushing with any malice either. I did nothing but tell the truth, which, my father told me once "sets us free".
In my adult years, even I see the long lasting effects of the years before my parents divorce have had on me. Im not going to get into specifics, but needless to say he fell short of responsible, and caring. He also fell short of hero and mentor as well. A fate I might comment is not unusual for many children and their Fathers. I don't know why this is. I know that through faults of my own and others I with my own Son, have fallen very short of hero and mentor as well. (but that is not what we are talking about).
I set the situation free, it was quite late, ..after 4am. I couldn't sleep ..a usual happening in the last week. And I was thinking "what do I have to lose?". I mean, my father isn't in my life, ..he doesn't want to be, and I don't want him to be either. He's an uneducated, socially inept fool..who has practically tossed all three of his children to the curb at some time or another, for childish and immature reasons. Holding children responsible for the choices they are forced to make.
We always hope that our parents can be bigger than the children they are raising, but when it come s to the true nature of the man, we all are reacting emotional creatures. This morning I didn't react I did what needed to be done, and laid the truth down. I stood and delivered my story without any inhibition. I don't expect a reply...(he ignored my greeting s on his birthday and Fathers Day this year, while acknowledging my sisters.) I fear my love is not what he is looking for, and frankly I have grown tired of waiting for him to come around. Im moving on.
He doesn't know what he has done to me, and I also fear he will not ever understand the complexity that he has created. What I will say is that I am a survivor of abuse...beyond neglect.
I remember being quite young and the family was sitting down to dinner for KFC, we were quite poor and even at that young age I knew it was a treat to get fried chicken and the fixings for dinner. When it came time to eat though, I was denied chicken on the grounds that my doctor had diagnosed me, at the time, with an ulcer...a five year old with a ulcer? What in the world would be stressing out a five year old in 1980 so much that he would develop an ulcer? I let you draw your own conclusions.
Needless to say, I didn't get the answer to that question until I was much past graduation and deep in mental disease after years of drug abuse and consequently drug psychosis.
My Mother had saved me from even more damage by divorcing my Father, and I felt for the first time "loved" and "safe". My twin brother didn't have the same experience unfortunately...for him there was something much different, except that is his story, not mine.
I have come out of those days alive and intact, but the things I learned in those young formative years have stayed with me. I can sense danger from a far distance away, ....like a sixth sense, a knowing, and hyper sensitivity. I can determine very quickly what will be safe and what will not. Sometimes it serves me, and sometime, I fear it can hold me back and slow me down. My constant weighing of each situation is not always complete I must admit. For the most part though, I haven't strayed totally off track in life, regardless of my social or financial status.
Regardless of my past, I didn't not repeat the cycle and become the image of my Father to my own Son. In fact, I had no hand in my Sons life (other than sperm donor). Something I know is his power, ...who knows what would have become of me if I had been tasked to help his Mother raise him. I may have become my Father and turned my Sons life into a nightmare, instead of the safety that I am sure he experienced. I may have not totally consciously made that choice ...but I made that choice through my inaction's.
I can be thankful for that, even if the consequence was my own health. I can be at peace that my Son never had to go through what I did. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, enemy or otherwise. I have to admit, I doubt I would have not ever been ready to raise a child. I feel still, sometimes, that I still am that child, or that that child is buried in me deep .....hiding from the world and the pain in it.
If you are an adult now, and are a survivor of abuse, be sure to give yourself the respect that you didn't give up, and that you are reading this, and still learning. People like my Father, they cannot learn any new skills...their growth has ended and they will stand in stasis for the entire completion of their lives.
I felt better after I wrote the letter, in fact, soon after I returned to bed this morning after completing it, I did fall asleep like a babe. ...so my actions have brought peace, and even if that peace is temporary, ...I will take it.
I spent a mere 20 minutes writing the letter, outlining in not so many words, that he should reconsider what he is and what he has contributed in the present and past towards not only me but my twin. (which is quite menial) It' wasn't a kind letter, but it wasn't brushing with any malice either. I did nothing but tell the truth, which, my father told me once "sets us free".
In my adult years, even I see the long lasting effects of the years before my parents divorce have had on me. Im not going to get into specifics, but needless to say he fell short of responsible, and caring. He also fell short of hero and mentor as well. A fate I might comment is not unusual for many children and their Fathers. I don't know why this is. I know that through faults of my own and others I with my own Son, have fallen very short of hero and mentor as well. (but that is not what we are talking about).
I set the situation free, it was quite late, ..after 4am. I couldn't sleep ..a usual happening in the last week. And I was thinking "what do I have to lose?". I mean, my father isn't in my life, ..he doesn't want to be, and I don't want him to be either. He's an uneducated, socially inept fool..who has practically tossed all three of his children to the curb at some time or another, for childish and immature reasons. Holding children responsible for the choices they are forced to make.
We always hope that our parents can be bigger than the children they are raising, but when it come s to the true nature of the man, we all are reacting emotional creatures. This morning I didn't react I did what needed to be done, and laid the truth down. I stood and delivered my story without any inhibition. I don't expect a reply...(he ignored my greeting s on his birthday and Fathers Day this year, while acknowledging my sisters.) I fear my love is not what he is looking for, and frankly I have grown tired of waiting for him to come around. Im moving on.
He doesn't know what he has done to me, and I also fear he will not ever understand the complexity that he has created. What I will say is that I am a survivor of abuse...beyond neglect.
I remember being quite young and the family was sitting down to dinner for KFC, we were quite poor and even at that young age I knew it was a treat to get fried chicken and the fixings for dinner. When it came time to eat though, I was denied chicken on the grounds that my doctor had diagnosed me, at the time, with an ulcer...a five year old with a ulcer? What in the world would be stressing out a five year old in 1980 so much that he would develop an ulcer? I let you draw your own conclusions.
Needless to say, I didn't get the answer to that question until I was much past graduation and deep in mental disease after years of drug abuse and consequently drug psychosis.
My Mother had saved me from even more damage by divorcing my Father, and I felt for the first time "loved" and "safe". My twin brother didn't have the same experience unfortunately...for him there was something much different, except that is his story, not mine.
I have come out of those days alive and intact, but the things I learned in those young formative years have stayed with me. I can sense danger from a far distance away, ....like a sixth sense, a knowing, and hyper sensitivity. I can determine very quickly what will be safe and what will not. Sometimes it serves me, and sometime, I fear it can hold me back and slow me down. My constant weighing of each situation is not always complete I must admit. For the most part though, I haven't strayed totally off track in life, regardless of my social or financial status.
Regardless of my past, I didn't not repeat the cycle and become the image of my Father to my own Son. In fact, I had no hand in my Sons life (other than sperm donor). Something I know is his power, ...who knows what would have become of me if I had been tasked to help his Mother raise him. I may have become my Father and turned my Sons life into a nightmare, instead of the safety that I am sure he experienced. I may have not totally consciously made that choice ...but I made that choice through my inaction's.
I can be thankful for that, even if the consequence was my own health. I can be at peace that my Son never had to go through what I did. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, enemy or otherwise. I have to admit, I doubt I would have not ever been ready to raise a child. I feel still, sometimes, that I still am that child, or that that child is buried in me deep .....hiding from the world and the pain in it.
If you are an adult now, and are a survivor of abuse, be sure to give yourself the respect that you didn't give up, and that you are reading this, and still learning. People like my Father, they cannot learn any new skills...their growth has ended and they will stand in stasis for the entire completion of their lives.
I felt better after I wrote the letter, in fact, soon after I returned to bed this morning after completing it, I did fall asleep like a babe. ...so my actions have brought peace, and even if that peace is temporary, ...I will take it.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
To What End ...?
I started this project long before I started this blog, I was at Saturn Returns 6 years ago when I quit hard drugs. The details surrounding that even are beyond normal communications, and not appropriate for this medium. But, needless to say, like any addict that has quit for good, I did (for myself) find the motivation to stop the cycle with hard drugs. ..and then again with cigarettes this last June 1st, and now marajuana in the present now.
I'm on day 3 without, and I am doing fine. The flash anxiety and thoughts from the past bubbling to the surface make me wonder "Why am I doing this?". To what end will these events lead me? ..or rather where do I prefer these events to lead me.
When I quit hard drugs in 2004 all I could think in general was, .."don't fall away from love" (meaning mostly family and friends). At the time my drug addiction had left me with a telephone that did not ring; when merely months before I was flooded with requests for attention. I have to say though it was attention that I didn't need.
When I quit cigarettes in June 2010, what I was thinking of in general was "money" and how to keep it in my wallet for as long as possible, and also "health" because I was hacking and coughing up some pretty scary stuff. I also had some great motivation from a great friend who offered new shoes if I managed to make it a month without nicotine.
And now we have the final draw... I have quit my favorite...marajuana. The first 3 days were pretty tough, ..but now, I think I maybe have it under control. The anxiety and the moodiness were pretty crazy. But then, it's like that all the time no matter what we are rejecting in terms of our addictions.
My dreams have been nothing short of EPIC, since I quit. And aside from the irritable mood, and insomnia, I think that I am going to make it the six months to Spring Equinox and not smoke it.
But I digress, a bit, ...the theme of this entry is to acknowledge the end I hope to accomplish with all this. And it's simple... I want to have a future. My family failed to provide me with one as a child, so now, ..at 35 I am tasked with finding it myself. A task, I suspect, will become more clear as my body begins to get all the free radicals from smoking out.
I want a life I can respect, and that doesn't necessarily suggest that, I can't respect my life now. Just that, in general, respect comes from work and trials, and also sometimes perseverance. I will find my future beyond substance abuse, I will find a "now" I can look at and not be too critical. When I quit smoking cigarettes, ..I began to toke like it was going out of style. The money alone was getting out of control.
I guess that brings me to my next "ends". I want control over my life as well. Being the slave to the addictions of drugs, cigarettes, and marajuana brought me out of control in my life. And though control is a illusion, I fear also that totally giving in to every whim and passing desire, will not feed my higher purpose. Which is what I am hoping to serve eventually...somehow.
I guess the next step is to find that higher purpose...to find that thing in my life that has always been there waiting to be nurtured, but hasn't because of the constant "dis-sobriety". I don't expect any of this to bring me what I want. I am still going to have to play an active part in the motion I am creating. I will have to become a greater Magi that I already am. One that can manifest beyond his own, and others expectations.
My will is strong, my head is on my shoulders, ...my heart, though cut and bleeding, is healing and full of so much love that sometimes I surprise myself with the amount of forgiveness I have. Not only for others, but also for the parts in myself that need forgiveness. (we all need this)
As I go further into this experience, I am certain things will become more lucid and have less clouds around them in general. But, one thing at a time, and all things in time...patience is my most treasured friend now. And I cannot forget the "ends" that I hope to accomplish... all this is happening for a larger purpose, and though there may be a lot of neglect in my past, the future I create will be mine, and not some drugs.
I'm on day 3 without, and I am doing fine. The flash anxiety and thoughts from the past bubbling to the surface make me wonder "Why am I doing this?". To what end will these events lead me? ..or rather where do I prefer these events to lead me.
When I quit hard drugs in 2004 all I could think in general was, .."don't fall away from love" (meaning mostly family and friends). At the time my drug addiction had left me with a telephone that did not ring; when merely months before I was flooded with requests for attention. I have to say though it was attention that I didn't need.
When I quit cigarettes in June 2010, what I was thinking of in general was "money" and how to keep it in my wallet for as long as possible, and also "health" because I was hacking and coughing up some pretty scary stuff. I also had some great motivation from a great friend who offered new shoes if I managed to make it a month without nicotine.
And now we have the final draw... I have quit my favorite...marajuana. The first 3 days were pretty tough, ..but now, I think I maybe have it under control. The anxiety and the moodiness were pretty crazy. But then, it's like that all the time no matter what we are rejecting in terms of our addictions.
My dreams have been nothing short of EPIC, since I quit. And aside from the irritable mood, and insomnia, I think that I am going to make it the six months to Spring Equinox and not smoke it.
But I digress, a bit, ...the theme of this entry is to acknowledge the end I hope to accomplish with all this. And it's simple... I want to have a future. My family failed to provide me with one as a child, so now, ..at 35 I am tasked with finding it myself. A task, I suspect, will become more clear as my body begins to get all the free radicals from smoking out.
I want a life I can respect, and that doesn't necessarily suggest that, I can't respect my life now. Just that, in general, respect comes from work and trials, and also sometimes perseverance. I will find my future beyond substance abuse, I will find a "now" I can look at and not be too critical. When I quit smoking cigarettes, ..I began to toke like it was going out of style. The money alone was getting out of control.
I guess that brings me to my next "ends". I want control over my life as well. Being the slave to the addictions of drugs, cigarettes, and marajuana brought me out of control in my life. And though control is a illusion, I fear also that totally giving in to every whim and passing desire, will not feed my higher purpose. Which is what I am hoping to serve eventually...somehow.
I guess the next step is to find that higher purpose...to find that thing in my life that has always been there waiting to be nurtured, but hasn't because of the constant "dis-sobriety". I don't expect any of this to bring me what I want. I am still going to have to play an active part in the motion I am creating. I will have to become a greater Magi that I already am. One that can manifest beyond his own, and others expectations.
My will is strong, my head is on my shoulders, ...my heart, though cut and bleeding, is healing and full of so much love that sometimes I surprise myself with the amount of forgiveness I have. Not only for others, but also for the parts in myself that need forgiveness. (we all need this)
As I go further into this experience, I am certain things will become more lucid and have less clouds around them in general. But, one thing at a time, and all things in time...patience is my most treasured friend now. And I cannot forget the "ends" that I hope to accomplish... all this is happening for a larger purpose, and though there may be a lot of neglect in my past, the future I create will be mine, and not some drugs.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Fate came looking for me on my phone.
It's so great when one states their purpose or active notion, and that statement grows and comes back to them.
I have had this "friend" for a number of years now (2-3), she's a nice woman most of the time, aging and menopausal at times, and other times an absolute pleasure to ignore. She grew a liking for me straight off the bat, ..Im not sure what attracted her to me, or why I responded so readily at her request to take me out for dinner on occasion to hash over her multiple failed relationships with law enforcement members.
She's straight, and clean, and professional; fairly attractive and drives a nice car....it's green, sporty and a convertible, she drives it so slowly sometimes I want to scream, cause the car is built to move. She has spent hundreds of dollars feeding me steak and pasta, all you can eat sushi, and Indian Buffet. She never said no to any of my requests, but then, I did know what was polite to ask for and what was off limits.
She was always talking about some guy she was seeing or dating or fucking. Sometimes she would talk about men who treated her with zero respect, and other times about how great they were in bed or in conversation. And still, she never settled down with any of them, not even to enjoy for a period. She always held them at a certain distance in my mind; I thought that I was exempt from that until recently.
What happened was she was having a considerable hard time dealing with one of her "toys". She had called me to come see her 4 times in 7 days, ...two of those meeting in one day. Needless to say, for me, this was an abuse of our relationship, and also my time. Granted I was fed and drunk to my satisfaction, but her conversations were getting quite heated, and she had clearly lost control of the situation with one of her boys.
He had visited her, after some period away from her, ..he had blown her mind with the emotion he possessed in the bedroom. Something that made her of course have an emotional reaction of her own. And he had left her with this idea that he was not going to return for a second show (so to speak). This left her feeling quite unstable and unsure what to do next.
Now, let us go back to before the return of this guy. He had lied to her, gave her grief that caused her much upheaval, and then he had dissipated in nothing and was gone. Leaving her abandoned and alone, without any way of contacting him on a regular basis.
I told her in the first place to stay away from this guy, that he was trouble, that she could not trust him. (not unlike i have done before with others) But still, she pursued this man, ...and consequently was hurt. I basically told her that she should have listen to me. I may have lost my temper a bit, but I didn't swear, I just told her she knew what she was getting into when she started. She disagreed.. and I said, I told you he wasn't going to treat you well. I don't know exactly what it was that triggers me to tell her that in the beginning. And she chose to ignore the warning...to her own downfall.
Well, ..after the four meeting in less than 7 days, ..I left dinner.. she wasn't happy, she was hurting. I tried to protect her from it. She messaged me the next day, ...she didn't even have the balls to tell me in person. She had decided I had crossed the line, and not for the first time, and that we could no longer be friends.
OMG...she is lost.
I don't know what your meaning of friendship is, but frankly, buying someone dinner once or twice a month for 2-3 years, and using that person to look good in public, and satisfy some childish game of "look who Im with" does not constitute a friendship. One can be friendly and not be friends is what Im saying...
She dumped me as her friend, but all I am without is a paid meal and a tonne of stress from listening to a child s dirty little secrets all the time. Im not going to say I am not going to miss the "dates". I will say though, that when and if she ever shows up again, ..which I suspect is closer than I am comfortable with, I will plainly just deny her.
There is nothing to be gained from this situation for me. I let it continue because I was being kind and caring, and knew I possessed what she needed to deal. I fear though what she will do without my skills of deduction and intuition in terms with her relationships. It's funny, she may have actually helped me tune my gift a little more so that I am stronger.
This Blog is about New beginnings and casting the old that doesn't serve me away and into the Abyss. Well, ...CatWoman, you just made it into the Abyss. I deny you access into my life any longer, you have no control over me.
I have had this "friend" for a number of years now (2-3), she's a nice woman most of the time, aging and menopausal at times, and other times an absolute pleasure to ignore. She grew a liking for me straight off the bat, ..Im not sure what attracted her to me, or why I responded so readily at her request to take me out for dinner on occasion to hash over her multiple failed relationships with law enforcement members.
She's straight, and clean, and professional; fairly attractive and drives a nice car....it's green, sporty and a convertible, she drives it so slowly sometimes I want to scream, cause the car is built to move. She has spent hundreds of dollars feeding me steak and pasta, all you can eat sushi, and Indian Buffet. She never said no to any of my requests, but then, I did know what was polite to ask for and what was off limits.
She was always talking about some guy she was seeing or dating or fucking. Sometimes she would talk about men who treated her with zero respect, and other times about how great they were in bed or in conversation. And still, she never settled down with any of them, not even to enjoy for a period. She always held them at a certain distance in my mind; I thought that I was exempt from that until recently.
What happened was she was having a considerable hard time dealing with one of her "toys". She had called me to come see her 4 times in 7 days, ...two of those meeting in one day. Needless to say, for me, this was an abuse of our relationship, and also my time. Granted I was fed and drunk to my satisfaction, but her conversations were getting quite heated, and she had clearly lost control of the situation with one of her boys.
He had visited her, after some period away from her, ..he had blown her mind with the emotion he possessed in the bedroom. Something that made her of course have an emotional reaction of her own. And he had left her with this idea that he was not going to return for a second show (so to speak). This left her feeling quite unstable and unsure what to do next.
Now, let us go back to before the return of this guy. He had lied to her, gave her grief that caused her much upheaval, and then he had dissipated in nothing and was gone. Leaving her abandoned and alone, without any way of contacting him on a regular basis.
I told her in the first place to stay away from this guy, that he was trouble, that she could not trust him. (not unlike i have done before with others) But still, she pursued this man, ...and consequently was hurt. I basically told her that she should have listen to me. I may have lost my temper a bit, but I didn't swear, I just told her she knew what she was getting into when she started. She disagreed.. and I said, I told you he wasn't going to treat you well. I don't know exactly what it was that triggers me to tell her that in the beginning. And she chose to ignore the warning...to her own downfall.
Well, ..after the four meeting in less than 7 days, ..I left dinner.. she wasn't happy, she was hurting. I tried to protect her from it. She messaged me the next day, ...she didn't even have the balls to tell me in person. She had decided I had crossed the line, and not for the first time, and that we could no longer be friends.
OMG...she is lost.
I don't know what your meaning of friendship is, but frankly, buying someone dinner once or twice a month for 2-3 years, and using that person to look good in public, and satisfy some childish game of "look who Im with" does not constitute a friendship. One can be friendly and not be friends is what Im saying...
She dumped me as her friend, but all I am without is a paid meal and a tonne of stress from listening to a child s dirty little secrets all the time. Im not going to say I am not going to miss the "dates". I will say though, that when and if she ever shows up again, ..which I suspect is closer than I am comfortable with, I will plainly just deny her.
There is nothing to be gained from this situation for me. I let it continue because I was being kind and caring, and knew I possessed what she needed to deal. I fear though what she will do without my skills of deduction and intuition in terms with her relationships. It's funny, she may have actually helped me tune my gift a little more so that I am stronger.
This Blog is about New beginnings and casting the old that doesn't serve me away and into the Abyss. Well, ...CatWoman, you just made it into the Abyss. I deny you access into my life any longer, you have no control over me.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Quitting all that doesn't serve me...
It's time to stop the lie, that the level of self medicating I attend is "working". I have spent years doing all sorts of things to find some satisfaction, and..sometimes, somethings did get me there, ..but not without a price, a price not only to the wallet but to the body and mind, and in some cases even the soul. (I believe in the soul)
Addiction is not only a killer of the corporal body, I truly believe that hard core addiction degrades the soul body, and even though I quit hard drugs over 6 years ago, I still feel the effects of those substances on my body, mind and soul. I wonder if I have lost a part of myself in that process, a piece I may never possibly be able to find, or reconnect with. Do I still even have the voice or will to call back the wonder that I experienced in those times?
Surely I do have the voice, and yet it wasn't always there, it's a recent development actually. After 6 years, I can finally breathe out and exhale a bit in relief. I didn't relapse into hard core addiction, but I have only quit smoking cigarettes a mere 3months20days ago. This is good too, ...I have beat nicotine, for now. I have quit before and fallen off the wagon at 6months (due to stress). This time though, I have positive friends, and people of great importance in my life. I am not on the edge of life, and nor am I close to danger...safety is the most important thing a person needs to do the things they want to do.
There is alcohol, the wonderful friend of the world with it's liquid intoxication..though I might add I didn't mix too well with that spirit. I have been smashed drunk but found in moderation alcohol can be quite soothing. I have been lucky to have not been sucked into this possible possession. Alcohol and me have a unique understanding, an understanding not present with most other things I have just talked about...
In less than 2 1/2 days on the fall of the 2010 Autumnal Equinox I will cast aside one more substance I am in unbalance with...I have partaken in it everyday for the past 17years at least (with few exceptions), sometimes over a dozen times in one day, often (if not "today" itself) woken up and went straight to it for comfort.
To what end? (some may ask)
To the end that I find myself as I am, and not as I am on any drug/alcohol/cigarette... looking to find a pure self beyond addiction, beyond action from substance. I prefer to actually see with my own eyes now, not the eyes of another spirit. I am ready to see the world as it truly is, in all it's wonder and matter of proportion it stands for.
I know there is change in the world, I want to be apart of the change toward evolution.
Addiction is not only a killer of the corporal body, I truly believe that hard core addiction degrades the soul body, and even though I quit hard drugs over 6 years ago, I still feel the effects of those substances on my body, mind and soul. I wonder if I have lost a part of myself in that process, a piece I may never possibly be able to find, or reconnect with. Do I still even have the voice or will to call back the wonder that I experienced in those times?
Surely I do have the voice, and yet it wasn't always there, it's a recent development actually. After 6 years, I can finally breathe out and exhale a bit in relief. I didn't relapse into hard core addiction, but I have only quit smoking cigarettes a mere 3months20days ago. This is good too, ...I have beat nicotine, for now. I have quit before and fallen off the wagon at 6months (due to stress). This time though, I have positive friends, and people of great importance in my life. I am not on the edge of life, and nor am I close to danger...safety is the most important thing a person needs to do the things they want to do.
There is alcohol, the wonderful friend of the world with it's liquid intoxication..though I might add I didn't mix too well with that spirit. I have been smashed drunk but found in moderation alcohol can be quite soothing. I have been lucky to have not been sucked into this possible possession. Alcohol and me have a unique understanding, an understanding not present with most other things I have just talked about...
In less than 2 1/2 days on the fall of the 2010 Autumnal Equinox I will cast aside one more substance I am in unbalance with...I have partaken in it everyday for the past 17years at least (with few exceptions), sometimes over a dozen times in one day, often (if not "today" itself) woken up and went straight to it for comfort.
To what end? (some may ask)
To the end that I find myself as I am, and not as I am on any drug/alcohol/cigarette... looking to find a pure self beyond addiction, beyond action from substance. I prefer to actually see with my own eyes now, not the eyes of another spirit. I am ready to see the world as it truly is, in all it's wonder and matter of proportion it stands for.
I know there is change in the world, I want to be apart of the change toward evolution.
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