What the search is about..

We all have goals, things we want, desires, things that motivate us. Sometimes it can be our children, or our parents, motivation comes from a large number of sources. I have discovered recently through no action of my own that my focus is largely "relationships" ...not just romantic ones, but the close friendships that can be forged in everyday life. Why I focus on this I am still discovering, and I am certain that this focus is not beneficial to my overall needs.

I'm a giver, Im also quite loyal in situations of friendship. It's not uncommon for me to put the needs of others ahead of my own. Sometimes I feel it is more reflex than anything, something inside of me has this uncontrollable urge to serve a purpose somehow. And what better purpose to attend than helping the ones that mean something to me.

At the end of the day though, this record in my head playing this song it is broken. Being loyal to ones associates, though honorable, is not going to provide any lightening effects on the depth of character. I have found that it's quite the opposite. Suddenly one will find themselves beset with the concerns of others, the problems of other people will sink one down and not lighten the load at all. And that is the purpose of these writings. To lighten the baggage, to find a moment to move on and find more out of life.

Sacrificing certain possessions, not just material, but spiritual as well, and also mental baggage, it has brought me to so pretty ugly truths. When I was a young man around 21 years old I would not have ever imagined that I would have become this terrible cynic. I've talked to some people and they say that it's pretty much inevitable, we all see the ugly truth to the world eventually.

I always thought that the Truth was something that was not only going to free me, it was going to provide an "answer" to the the challenges of my human experience. I cannot deny that I am free, for truly I am, and still though the answer I was seeking was not satisfied in even the smallest sense. We search for truth, and find the ugly world in our face. There is no "one" answer to dispel all the negativity.

Some people can ignore the truth, and keep to their daily events, and errands. They are unmoved by the shortcomings of reality, and it doesn't bother them that the world is full of hate and pain and suffering. They can somehow accept it, when I cannot. I am certain that someday I find a way to deal with it all. Frankly though, I fear there will be a great number of obstacles to overcome, and a number of enemies to overcome in the process, some of those enemies inside me and some without my circle of influence. There will always be something pushing me down to the ground, it was the path I chose for myself. I chose to take this path and now I am finding fore certain, that the Path, isn't always the answer (not to some at least).

I want to believe that there is going to be success, I want to trust to the experience the new world ahead of me is with love and acceptance. But I know others don't live like that, that others are not loyal, they have no connections with the world or the people in it. They are isolated within their own fear of love and acceptance. They don't know how to touch and be present, all they know how to do is follow the bouncing ball, and never move the world.

I give a piece of myself in every action that I do. I do not hold back the sacred part of myself. We all have darkness, we all have light, it's when we make a difference in someones life, that is when I find my smile growing. That is why I focus on relationships, I can move a mountain, ...but who does it help? It's when we open our hearts and our arms that we truly fight the tyranny of the world. I may get smacked down, but at least I can love unconditionally still, and forgive not only others but myself.

The masses don't understand the depth of this writing, they will judge and point and laugh possibly. At the end of the day, I am none of the things of malice and hate. I have experience with hate, but inside, all I want to do is love and protect those that I love. Maybe Im a hopeless romantic, maybe I will not find an answer to that story of love and longing, but I have done much traveling on the path of spirituality, it is certain I have worked. I have worked to be a good person, someone that I could like, someone I would want to know. There is no reward for that though, no guarantee of lightening energy.

The rewards I have received are all within me, in only the experiences of my life. I am balance on the inside, ..it's the world that is tyrannical and sociopathic. I can still feel, I can still love, I don't have to look at the world as a dollar sign. I don't look for reward in material senses. I have all the love I need, I am surrounded by it.

Love isn't enough to keep me "happy" necessarily,(if only love was enough) but it's something others don't have. Some people don't posses that ability, they will smile in your face, and hug you the best they can, but deep inside, they are broken and loveless, all they see is best course of action in terms of how it will serve them. And when they are challenged, they will push into your face how much you "owe" to them and the debt that must be paid for further "transactions". They will turn against you in a fiery instant and burn you to the ground if need be.

What is the search about? ...well for me, ...it was about the Truth and the quest for knowledge. I found the Truth, it's ugly. I also found Knowledge, not so ugly, but more than most can endure. I find it ironic that Truth would be this ugly force, I always thought of freedom as a form of beauty, it's not though unfortunately. And Knowledge is like an unraveling a knitted sweater, one thread keeps going and going, ...into seamless infinity. Good luck to all of you that are seeking, you will most definitely need it on your journey.

For those of you that don't care about Truth, or Knowledge, or Love...you are part of the masses, ...and you will be the object of my ridicule for many years to come. You are weak, and foolish in your quest for material gain, and your only reward will be death in the end. My rewards are already in heart, shining and bright, full of energy and life. The masses you may be laughing at me now, ...but fear not, you will not be the last one with a reason to smile.

The World Owes You Nothing..

Taking things away to find change in the world, whether it be people, or substance, or even patterns of thinking, ...there is always this hope for change.  A hope that the work that we do in terms of bettering our lives , ...actually, in definition, does better our lives.  We strive for change so that we may make more love for ourselves, ...or more children in some cases, or of course more money, .  (who doesn't need more of that), or happiness.  When we change something we are looking for some desired effect.

Really though, I have found that when it's time for change, Im usually taking things away from the formula.  I try to simplify and organize the best I can with the sources I have.  Like when I quit hard drugs, ..I was working in bars and afterhours, ...so naturally I had to stop working in bars/afterhours and find something more conventional,   which I did, and also succeeded at (for a short period). I took away the long nights, in dark corners, and the long sessions of drinking into the early morning.


It was interesting when I quit hard drugs, ..I was grasping desperately at straws to find a way out of the mess I was in.  I was going to lose my family, and my closest friends if I didn't quit.  It was all snowballing downhill very quickly and frankly, ...another month, and who knows where I would have ended up.  And still, regardless of the odds, I did it, ..I got off hard drugs and found, for a time, a renewed connection with the world and some of the people in it that I loved and cared for.

Just over six years later, ....those people I wanted to be close to and keep dear.  They have found their respective happiness in the form of new romantic relationships.  One had two kids and moved out of town to another province, ...My brother, though I see him still, he's pretty much settled into his lifestyle, ...I don't see him even a quarter as much as I was seeing him at the time.  Other friends, ..of course, falling to the wayside, some of them important parts of the plot at that period of time.  And others, yes, ..married and in other situations much removed from where I am now.

So here I am six years later, ...I quit drugs, had a short relation ship of about a year and then five straight years of playing the field miserably and with total futility.  I found another job, and was with that for a period, ..it kept me busy , ..and I was content I suppose, but only when I had a moment to notice.  It wasn't so hard without hard drugs, ....I started to make some new friends and that's good.  This is about what the goal was when I quit though...

Wanting to keep those people close to me ....?  it didn't work.  My sacrifice hadn't been enough to provide the desired ends.  Maybe it was fated to that in some book somewhere...but the very thing that helped me get better from hard drugs and quit for good, without looking back, was this belief that if I did it, I would be able to keep the ones I loved in my life.  That was a false belief though... and there is a sense of shame and guilt when I think about it ...I had quit hard drugs for purely selfish ends. 

I discovered, ..that the sacrifice was not enough to provide me with my wish.  And now six years later I am still learning that lesson.   It's clearer now, it has stabilized into a cynical philosopher's fart:  The World Owes You Nothing. For everything one does to affect change, there is not guarantee to any of it...most of the time you can thank luck for your success. 

You can work and strive for you wallets appetite. You can wish for love or you can wish for war as you travel to and from that work.  You can wish that your dinner comes to the table hot and tasty by friendly hands.  But the world owes you nothing, and it will take from you for no reason, without notice or care even, not because it wants to, not because it can't survive itself without doing, but simply because it CAN.

No book in time has a promise for life, nor is there a promise from any lips that cannot be broken just as quickly.  Nobody has to be honest to you, ...nobody has to respect you in any way whatsoever, or trust you.  Nobody has to give you the answer they posses, or help you with your trials.  No person on earth owes you nothing, ...not your lover/friend, ..not your parents, not your siblings or cousins, nobody.

It's a fighters world, the one that punches the most, gets what they want.  Lovers are the weak, the masses tell their story that they believe their false hope, and yet they know some truth somehow in a way I do not.  They see it for what it is, ...even behind their denial, ...they work their politics and coax from their relationships the things they desire.  They are able to survive the system....

I know the difference between the masses and the light workers, ...and there are wolves and sheep everywhere...holy crap everywhere.  Im not a shepherd either, Im as some would say "in the world but not of the world".  That doesn't separate me from the experience, I think it shows me a bit more.

Im sorry the masses are driven by the needs of their material desires, ..failing to comprehend the picture beyond their agreed and separate cover stories.  We all lie to ourselves and move on when maybe we should reconsider our stance.  A friend of mine once said to me "challenge your story" ...and it made some sense.  Make sure that the story your making for yourself is the story you want.  And not some fear driven drivel for toddler school.

So many times I have lied to myself and not listened to my instinct to stay far away, ....lately I am learning to say no when this comes up.  But still, ...I have fallen prey to the self betraying double talk, ..you know the voice that says to do something different than you totally would not do otherwise.  You know , ...when your body says, no, but your mind says, yes.  So much drama in my life would have been avoided if I had just trusted my first instincts...but no regrets right?

I have had the voice of opportunity in my ear, and I have had that ear cut off by the sound at the same instant. My days ahead are not going to be without their challenges, ...I know the facts.  It's not about me, it's about them, and their massing nature to cling to survival.  I want to survive too, ..but Im not going to use people in my quest to find happiness.  I don't take too much, ....I often take less than I should.  I say more than I should in some moments, ...and clearly not enough in others. 

There is a balance that happens when a new era  come upon an individual.  There is renewed activity, and new faces to explore and meet.  But don't be fooled by a quick smile, or a solid handshake, .....those are only outward appearances, and can be easily faked. Trust that feeling inside that says "it's okay"....and when you get that pain in your gut and you feel the nausea hit.  Yeah, your body, your spirit, your mind, it's telling you to stop and be aware.  


Perfect Love and Perfect Trust, are fine and dandy as Ideals for the ultimate key to communication.  A large percent of people have no concept of these things though, ....and light workers need to remember that though they are open and with their hearts and changing the world, there is no pay-cheque for being a good spirit.