And about waking up in the morning...

Often I find I have these challenges in life, ...we all have them.  It's really, on one level, all we really encounter in life...one puzzle to be solved after another; solutions waiting to be uncovered from the dark spaces inside our psyche(s).  It's not surprising that some people shatter under the pressure.  .  Whatever we turn to to help with those solutions is what defines who we are and how we interact with the world.  Everyone has a puzzle they wake up to in the morning, the same puzzle you prepared in the days/hours/weeks/years before you woke up, and the same puzzle which can overcome you.

Now just because there is a puzzle doesn't mean there is a challenge, or rather sometimes the challenges we set up for ourselves are not the most difficult.  People set themselves against solutions that are not worthy of their higher self, and we find the masses grouped in this area.  Instead of choosing a puzzle that will change their view of the world and the people in it.  They choose a puzzle that is a reflection of themselves, and choose to fashion their work around naivety and denial, avarice and ignorance.  Rather around honesty and open mindedness, liberty and truth, where the truth source of love can be found.

Recently, I won't lie, I have not been challenging myself much.  I have been in a terrible downward spiral emotionally.  I wonder constantly:  "How do I solve this...?"... and I have yet to find a clear answer that is going to fit into a greater purpose for my evolution.  I am meeting new people, and that is going okay, it seems that I actually can get along with people if they are respectful ones.

My Gran, the other day, said something quite profound to me the other day about me.  I was complaining about my situation a bit, just casually as usual, and this is what it is. 

She said, " Stewart everyone that meets you adores and loves you.  They know that they don't have to doubt you. You are a genuine and unique person."

I was totally surprised at this comment, my Gran does not usually hand out compliments like this.  And if she does, she certainly has not given any to me like that since before I can remember.  It was great to feel appreciated in that moment.  If only we all could feel that emotion constantly and unwaveringly without any interruptions.

I guess on some level that is what I feel I have been missing...the feeling of being "appreciated".  I am surrounded by so much abundance and love.  I am in contact with dozens of people everyday on so many different levels.  Im an interesting person and if you haven't realized it yet, you truly don't belong in my field of existence.  I acknowledge peoples individuality constantly, ..I try to raise them up in there quest to be themselves, and would not ever want to silence someone who is expressing their true nature.

Unfortunately, there are many others that do not feel the same way.  Governments and Corporations, media and peers, even some friends and family are content to sit back and let the censorship happen without any resistance.  Well, ...to that? ...I'll say "fuck you".  You will not achieve the goal of silencing the peoples truth of the world; ...not on my watch, buddy.

Another thing happened to me the other day, and it was not as pleasant as my Grans affectionate compliments.  I was walking, looking for breakfast, and bumped into a girl I know, and this girl is like a sister to me in this moment.  We don't hang out "a lot" but there is definite a greater connection with something when we are laughing and getting along with one another.  She was with another close friend of hers and they were also thinking about food.  We decided to get some eggs and sausage to feed the three of us and some spinach to go in the eggs.

Everything seemed to be going just fine, ...we walked slowly across the East Side from where we were, taking the alley straight to my friends place.  We sat down did the usual settle in after being out, and my friends, friend is the cook so he went into the kitchen and started cooking while my friend and I talked in the living room.  Now usually when I am with this friend I don't not have to hold myself back in conversation.  And I was talking about a date that I had had with a old buddy of mine. 

I commented,  "Him and I spent eight hours naked together in bed", and she piped up and loud clear, "...READING THE PAPER?!"  I kind of looked at her funny and said, "Huh?"...and she repeated herself loud and clear, and quite confident in her words.

I was kind of confused for a  split moment as I weighed up the reasons why she would say something like this.  And it hit me like a brick truck on a highway....she had just attempted to censor me.  Probably in the face of her other friend, which I suspect is a raging homophobic. (happily cooking in the next room).  I had helped pay for breakfast already so I didn't take off like I probably should have.  I let her silence me in that moment, and I didn't talk any "gay" talk any further.

As breakfast finished though, a lovely lovely meal that was pleasant and with smiles and happy belly's, I decided that I was going to leave and not keep them from each other.  And in the following days I tried to call my friend to get some sort of clarification as to what had exactly happened, with no return call or message.  I don't know what to do now.  More cleaning of the shelves to make room for better things, I suppose.

It's horrible when we as individuals have to hide there true natures expression in the face of those that want to silence communication.  It's horrible that my friend feels that this expression of mine is worth silencing in the face of her other friend.  I know what it's like to be censored, I know what it's like to be in disregard because of my sexuality, or even the other things that I do in my life.  She and everyone else can judge me and censor me as much as they want.  In the end stroke though, ..it will be me that is on the higher ground with my own power and strength.

I will share that power and strength in the world, as I always have.  I have always sought to help and not hinder those around me.  I have made poor judgements just as much as any other human.  I accept those mistakes, attempt to forgive on as many levels as I can, and move onto something that has more of a higher vibration.  I am, even in my downward spiral, thankful for all that has been attracted to my life.  I know that not everything is forever, ...certainly not any job, or love, or friendship.  And though that can be hard to swallow some days, I would rather be swallowing someones rejection, than their poisonous words/actions.

As for that feeling of appreciation?  I get it from time to time, and it feels good when it happens.  I will however not look for it from my friend anymore.   She's made it quite clear that I am not what she said I was.  If I was a brother like she said I was, she wouldn't have to hide who I am to the people in her life.  I realize that, and I also accept that.  I have no other choice when faced with my higher purpose.  It's either realization and acceptance or shadow.  The decision is not a hard one.

We make the decisions as hard or easy as we want to.  I struggled with this for a couple days, ..but I know the answer is not anywhere but inside me, and I can hear it.  It's telling me to move on and not let other people ignorance askew my perceptions of myself.  I hope my friend is happy with her other friend,  I learned very young in my life that there is always someone better to take ones place in any relationship.  It seems that lesson has become bright and shining again.

I may spend most of my time alone and sitting in front of this computer, questing for the next event of interest.  I know that I am alone though, only because I search for relationships with meaning and depth.  And that those types of relationships are not easy to find or maintain.  I challenge myself to find depth, and also value, in the world around me.   I have found so much wealth in my heart from my own experiences in life.  It makes me sad when people cannot accept people as who they are.

I accept everyone first as they are, ....but I can also make my choice to be around that energy or without it.

Upon waking up..

When I woke up this morning it was earlier than usual; I had decided to start getting ready for bed last night a couple hours earlier than late; it would prove to get me up earlier than usual as well.  I had just finished an epic night of dreamcasting, and the sleep wasn't even out of my body entirely.  I did something in my first moments of awake consciousness, and it really made me think.  I made a wish, a horrible selfish wish.  A dark wish that most would call foolishness.

Now we all wish for pieces of this world to improve or be more appealing, and when I made this wish this morning I took a good look at myself, with reflection.  Why had in my first moments of intention for a Saturday turn to the dark and the shadow to shelter me.  In my selfish, loathing moment I have set up the entire weekend to be one long dragged out event that will prove nothing, and serve as only a reminder of what I have lost.  Which really isn't what anyone can describe as appealing.

Maybe it's the two friends that died a month ago one after another on two separate days.  Maybe it was getting fired on the 3rd day of that 7 day stretch of horrible.  It could have been the nearly 200$ I was over due with Telus on the first day that needed to get paid or they were going to cut me off.   And one can be certain breaking up with my Lo'bo on the 6th day did nothing more than add rain to the bucket. 

So I had this week, and sometimes I guess those weeks happen, and I accept that.  I am willing to go the distance to get through that week and find another week to find more gifts in.  And still I am drifting off this week further and further from the future I so want for myself.  I am still recovering from all this uncertainty.  Where once I felt surrounded, there is now an open expanse of water, and I am in the middle of it, ...underwater, alone, but still breathing.  I want to speak but the water rushes in when I open my lips, the increasing weight of the water looming over my body.  It's heavy, but clear and free of shadow.  I look around in the water and there is nothing ...just water, and lots of it.

In my dreams there is much going on.  Busy times, and people all on their way to something very important.  New roads, new horizons and parks to explore, new people and new ways of getting around, new power and new light.  I feel like there is still something to be found, and am searching always inside those dreams for places to learn, or disappear into the aether to have a moment of silence as I look for new places to fall my steps. The Sun shines in my dreams, and the people are not as mean as they are here in Vancouver.  It's good to have a place to escape.

I know I am surrounded by Love, and that there is Light in that love as well.  I know that my enemies are few, and that I could forgive myself and any of them in an instant for any disrespect/err on either parts.  I know that I can imagine the world that I want.  I can taste it, feel it, see it in my mind like it was reality, ..the World of Love, the World of Light.  I am free enough to know that this fantasy is within my mind mostly.  The real world, the material world, is not as close to these as I am to my image of the perfect world.  And when I wake up wishing for those worlds to become one, I wonder if I am spending my waking hours dreaming as well.

Dreaming that my future has warmth and security, and dreaming that I will be taken care of by the Universe until the end of my days.  I have to dream these things, without the dream of these simple things I cannot survive.  And that is why I wake up in the morning and make selfish, horrible wishes...so that I can create something out of nothing, so that I can look and find some sort of thing that has come from me.  My contribution perhaps, or maybe something simple like a smile when another leasts expects it.  Deep down I am in full conversation with the "score".  I know what I have done on both sides of the coin, I know that right now I am in limbo, standing on the edge of that coin, poised to fall on one side or the other.

Until that fall though, and the side has be revealed.  I will continue making selfish, horrible wishes...because if I can't wish for what I really want in my own private world.  What's the use of wishing at all?