In all our lives we come to the certain clue that not everything can we take with us into the future. And we decide to eventually, to leave things behind and forget them, regardless of the state of the process it is in. We leave behind hats in train stations, ...and lovers, and friends, and even our enemies. We choose to move on and leave behind those things which don't serve us.
And still though, ..those things we leave behind, whatever they are, ...they don't die, ..they don't just magickally find themselves somewhere without need, ...those hats we leave behind are picked up and brought on journeys outside of our dimension. The lovers that we leave behind, go out, and forget themselves and find other people to love and laugh with, even marry and grow old with. The friends we forget, they find other people to rely on, and to look to for support, and our enemies ..well, they will always be in their respective place doing what they do best...
These pieces of our lives grow and change outside of our sight and control. And we have to be aware of this...because it's our karma in these events and people, ...it is who/what we are. Or rather where we are from...what you forget will come back to remind you of your life.
Recently my ex husband from 1998 contacted me. He started by poking me on face book ...and I with an open heart thought he was trying to reconnect, regardless of his new relationship ( I think they are married). He brought up the fact that he had just found out that a common friend of ours had died. A friend that died years ago now. I was irked that he was that out of touch , ...but let it slide.
The email s continued, and to my total disbelief he revealed eventually that he was seeking an apology from me. After telling me that I was a horrid person to him and that he doesn't respect me, that I owe him an apology, ..that I had never offered one.
Now in my world, apologies are for the weak, people who regret and rescind their very actions in the world. I essentially told him he could go stick where the Sun don't shine, but with much different words.
He comes back that he wants peace in his house...I dunno, ..I kind of lost track at this point. But he was trying to be nice, ..so I did the right thing and made the apology that he so desperately was seeking. This is over 10 years after the fact. we separated in 98...
Holding onto this subject for so long...both of us had our soft raw spots. He suggested that I may want an apology for what he did in his reactions to my actions. I told him ...I didn't ever need an apology. I know what happened by my own account. I did my best to protect people from the events that happened back then.. And frankly it seems Im the only one that is still suffering still from those days. He's married and move and living with prayer and faith in his wonderful life. Our mutual friend whom which took his side all those years ago ...she's living it large traveling the West Coast preforming sacred Art and dancing the woman song for all her sisters.
The circle of friends that tore us apart, ...well, I have no idea what happened to them, ..one of them came into a lot of money and was found lip locked with a 7 year old a couple years later, ..not good. Another one, last I heard was in a mental hospital, and they were not going to let her out. ...like ever.
I thought I had a good life, ...Ive done some good things lately. I admit my mistakes. Im honest to the people in my life. I may not always get the point, but I still try regardless. I don't want to believe Im a bad person. (who does)
The thing is ...I left all this behind me. I moved on, I pushed forward and left behind, my ex husband, his best friend and the others that were involved with the thing s that happened back then. I took the high road and carried on alone, as it was written for me.
I ended up in the hospital shortly after my ex's and mine separation...I was very sick. I was in the hospital for a week, ...when I got out. I had to move into my brothers flat so I wouldn't be on the street. His roomate and his friends bullied me incredulously. My brother was flown to Queen Charlette Islands to work with my mom. I didn't have my husband, ...my best friend was gone too. The one person, my brother, who I could still trust abandoned me in my hour of darkness. I was alone, in a psychotic episode, penny-less, and with a cat and kittens. One of the guys the roomate let stay at the house was a homophobe, and used to threaten to beat me if I came out of my room, and would stand over top of me as if he was going to beat me too. This one fellow was so abusive to my cat that she would relieve herself on my while I slept. poor cat, I ended up haveing to give here away. I couldn't take care of her.
I had put it all behind me, ...and then the ex shows up and he's not done. He's ready for another round, ...only it's 10 years later. WTF am I supposed to do? ...
A true apology consists of three parts, ...the apology itself, ...then the acceptance of blame, and of course recourse (what I am going to do to make it better). But after 10 years how can I possibly come back with an apology of true Nature. My ex isn't in my life, ...none of the people I was around are in my life anymore, that life is gone, and Im glad. How am I supposed to make it better? ...really?
I sent my apology to my ex. I hope he stops emailing me. Ive had so much happen to me inside lately, ..it's like Im going through this test, but I don't know the answers and there's this big ticking bomb that's timing away tic tic tic. I don't know if bomb really or if it's just a stopwatch. But I don't have the answers, if I did I would be happy, and would not have had to throw away that life I had with those people and places.
I forgave everyone a long time ago, without their apology. Fortunately, I was brought up with the value that forgiveness happens within, not because we are asked to. I don't know where I learned that, ...but I've written it down now.
Why does this have to happen now?...when Im hardly keeping my head out of the dirt. ...when Im chasing shadows and skimming the surface like some bug. I really am sitting here, like I have been sitting here all day. wondering ...WTF just happened? ....Why now? ...Why this moment? ...I can hardly breath in this exact second because the anxiety is too much, my chest is tight and honestly, I want to just disappear and never be found.
This entry has little form , ...and maybe not a subject necessarily.
I guess deep down when I put those parts of my life in a box and then put that box in the back of my mind, I was hoping others would as well. I just want to have a life I can be proud of. It seems though that the people from my past will have no hand in making that happen. I feel like right now shame is easier than anything, because others think I should be. I don't want to feel like that, ..but there it is on cue with their uprising texting statements. Why should I be proud when everyone else looks at me as damaged goods or dirty or shameless or whatever.
I don't care about what other people think at all, ...but when they start stirring the ghost s of the past, ...it come alive with active processes. Am I ever going to be free of all this pain?...my instincts tell me "no, you get to live with it the rest of your natural life. Enjoy your own doing"
People like my ex, and the others that left me to fend for myself all those years ago, I forgave them. I didn't hold them responsible for their mistakes, and so now I am left with what's left. my broken ego, my empty days, and empty heart. And still I have to be the "right guy" anyways and give them what they want regardless of the pain Im still in. Still reliving those abandonment's over and over.
Why am I this person? What is my purpose here? I may not have complete answers for these questions...but I am seeking them through these writings.
Light provide me with the strength to put this pain away into the past, so that I may grow and flourish. I fear without that exact process I will never be free. And people like this will be coming back over and over and over for the rest of my life. There's no way out of ones life, it is what it is, and all of us have to live with our mistakes. Eventually , ..in time, ...they fade. For the record of Stew ...it takes more than ten years.
this didn't really help much for me...but maybe it will help you.
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