Taking things away to find change in the world, whether it be people, or substance, or even patterns of thinking, ...there is always this hope for change. A hope that the work that we do in terms of bettering our lives , ...actually, in definition, does better our lives. We strive for change so that we may make more love for ourselves, ...or more children in some cases, or of course more money, . (who doesn't need more of that), or happiness. When we change something we are looking for some desired effect.
Really though, I have found that when it's time for change, Im usually taking things away from the formula. I try to simplify and organize the best I can with the sources I have. Like when I quit hard drugs, ..I was working in bars and afterhours, ...so naturally I had to stop working in bars/afterhours and find something more conventional, which I did, and also succeeded at (for a short period). I took away the long nights, in dark corners, and the long sessions of drinking into the early morning.
It was interesting when I quit hard drugs, ..I was grasping desperately at straws to find a way out of the mess I was in. I was going to lose my family, and my closest friends if I didn't quit. It was all snowballing downhill very quickly and frankly, ...another month, and who knows where I would have ended up. And still, regardless of the odds, I did it, ..I got off hard drugs and found, for a time, a renewed connection with the world and some of the people in it that I loved and cared for.
Just over six years later, ....those people I wanted to be close to and keep dear. They have found their respective happiness in the form of new romantic relationships. One had two kids and moved out of town to another province, ...My brother, though I see him still, he's pretty much settled into his lifestyle, ...I don't see him even a quarter as much as I was seeing him at the time. Other friends, ..of course, falling to the wayside, some of them important parts of the plot at that period of time. And others, yes, ..married and in other situations much removed from where I am now.
So here I am six years later, ...I quit drugs, had a short relation ship of about a year and then five straight years of playing the field miserably and with total futility. I found another job, and was with that for a period, ..it kept me busy , ..and I was content I suppose, but only when I had a moment to notice. It wasn't so hard without hard drugs, ....I started to make some new friends and that's good. This is about what the goal was when I quit though...
Wanting to keep those people close to me ....? it didn't work. My sacrifice hadn't been enough to provide the desired ends. Maybe it was fated to that in some book somewhere...but the very thing that helped me get better from hard drugs and quit for good, without looking back, was this belief that if I did it, I would be able to keep the ones I loved in my life. That was a false belief though... and there is a sense of shame and guilt when I think about it ...I had quit hard drugs for purely selfish ends.
I discovered, ..that the sacrifice was not enough to provide me with my wish. And now six years later I am still learning that lesson. It's clearer now, it has stabilized into a cynical philosopher's fart: The World Owes You Nothing. For everything one does to affect change, there is not guarantee to any of it...most of the time you can thank luck for your success.
You can work and strive for you wallets appetite. You can wish for love or you can wish for war as you travel to and from that work. You can wish that your dinner comes to the table hot and tasty by friendly hands. But the world owes you nothing, and it will take from you for no reason, without notice or care even, not because it wants to, not because it can't survive itself without doing, but simply because it CAN.
No book in time has a promise for life, nor is there a promise from any lips that cannot be broken just as quickly. Nobody has to be honest to you, ...nobody has to respect you in any way whatsoever, or trust you. Nobody has to give you the answer they posses, or help you with your trials. No person on earth owes you nothing, ...not your lover/friend, ..not your parents, not your siblings or cousins, nobody.
It's a fighters world, the one that punches the most, gets what they want. Lovers are the weak, the masses tell their story that they believe their false hope, and yet they know some truth somehow in a way I do not. They see it for what it is, ...even behind their denial, ...they work their politics and coax from their relationships the things they desire. They are able to survive the system....
I know the difference between the masses and the light workers, ...and there are wolves and sheep everywhere...holy crap everywhere. Im not a shepherd either, Im as some would say "in the world but not of the world". That doesn't separate me from the experience, I think it shows me a bit more.
Im sorry the masses are driven by the needs of their material desires, ..failing to comprehend the picture beyond their agreed and separate cover stories. We all lie to ourselves and move on when maybe we should reconsider our stance. A friend of mine once said to me "challenge your story" ...and it made some sense. Make sure that the story your making for yourself is the story you want. And not some fear driven drivel for toddler school.
So many times I have lied to myself and not listened to my instinct to stay far away, ....lately I am learning to say no when this comes up. But still, ...I have fallen prey to the self betraying double talk, ..you know the voice that says to do something different than you totally would not do otherwise. You know , ...when your body says, no, but your mind says, yes. So much drama in my life would have been avoided if I had just trusted my first instincts...but no regrets right?
I have had the voice of opportunity in my ear, and I have had that ear cut off by the sound at the same instant. My days ahead are not going to be without their challenges, ...I know the facts. It's not about me, it's about them, and their massing nature to cling to survival. I want to survive too, ..but Im not going to use people in my quest to find happiness. I don't take too much, ....I often take less than I should. I say more than I should in some moments, ...and clearly not enough in others.
There is a balance that happens when a new era come upon an individual. There is renewed activity, and new faces to explore and meet. But don't be fooled by a quick smile, or a solid handshake, .....those are only outward appearances, and can be easily faked. Trust that feeling inside that says "it's okay"....and when you get that pain in your gut and you feel the nausea hit. Yeah, your body, your spirit, your mind, it's telling you to stop and be aware.
Perfect Love and Perfect Trust, are fine and dandy as Ideals for the ultimate key to communication. A large percent of people have no concept of these things though, ....and light workers need to remember that though they are open and with their hearts and changing the world, there is no pay-cheque for being a good spirit.
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