When I woke up this morning it was earlier than usual; I had decided to start getting ready for bed last night a couple hours earlier than late; it would prove to get me up earlier than usual as well. I had just finished an epic night of dreamcasting, and the sleep wasn't even out of my body entirely. I did something in my first moments of awake consciousness, and it really made me think. I made a wish, a horrible selfish wish. A dark wish that most would call foolishness.
Now we all wish for pieces of this world to improve or be more appealing, and when I made this wish this morning I took a good look at myself, with reflection. Why had in my first moments of intention for a Saturday turn to the dark and the shadow to shelter me. In my selfish, loathing moment I have set up the entire weekend to be one long dragged out event that will prove nothing, and serve as only a reminder of what I have lost. Which really isn't what anyone can describe as appealing.
Maybe it's the two friends that died a month ago one after another on two separate days. Maybe it was getting fired on the 3rd day of that 7 day stretch of horrible. It could have been the nearly 200$ I was over due with Telus on the first day that needed to get paid or they were going to cut me off. And one can be certain breaking up with my Lo'bo on the 6th day did nothing more than add rain to the bucket.
So I had this week, and sometimes I guess those weeks happen, and I accept that. I am willing to go the distance to get through that week and find another week to find more gifts in. And still I am drifting off this week further and further from the future I so want for myself. I am still recovering from all this uncertainty. Where once I felt surrounded, there is now an open expanse of water, and I am in the middle of it, ...underwater, alone, but still breathing. I want to speak but the water rushes in when I open my lips, the increasing weight of the water looming over my body. It's heavy, but clear and free of shadow. I look around in the water and there is nothing ...just water, and lots of it.
In my dreams there is much going on. Busy times, and people all on their way to something very important. New roads, new horizons and parks to explore, new people and new ways of getting around, new power and new light. I feel like there is still something to be found, and am searching always inside those dreams for places to learn, or disappear into the aether to have a moment of silence as I look for new places to fall my steps. The Sun shines in my dreams, and the people are not as mean as they are here in Vancouver. It's good to have a place to escape.
I know I am surrounded by Love, and that there is Light in that love as well. I know that my enemies are few, and that I could forgive myself and any of them in an instant for any disrespect/err on either parts. I know that I can imagine the world that I want. I can taste it, feel it, see it in my mind like it was reality, ..the World of Love, the World of Light. I am free enough to know that this fantasy is within my mind mostly. The real world, the material world, is not as close to these as I am to my image of the perfect world. And when I wake up wishing for those worlds to become one, I wonder if I am spending my waking hours dreaming as well.
Dreaming that my future has warmth and security, and dreaming that I will be taken care of by the Universe until the end of my days. I have to dream these things, without the dream of these simple things I cannot survive. And that is why I wake up in the morning and make selfish, horrible wishes...so that I can create something out of nothing, so that I can look and find some sort of thing that has come from me. My contribution perhaps, or maybe something simple like a smile when another leasts expects it. Deep down I am in full conversation with the "score". I know what I have done on both sides of the coin, I know that right now I am in limbo, standing on the edge of that coin, poised to fall on one side or the other.
Until that fall though, and the side has be revealed. I will continue making selfish, horrible wishes...because if I can't wish for what I really want in my own private world. What's the use of wishing at all?
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