Many Declarations

I feel often that, in this Universe of Creation, we are given tests.  Usually a choice between the dark, and the light, the positive and the negative,... always battling together to find balance and union one day.  Some days it's not hard to find positive, and others not hard to find negative..and we continue on our journeys in and out of days and nights.  The tests that we are given in Life, they make us who we are, and our choices in those tests decide which tests come afterward. 

When I was young, as young as 8, I was fantastically interested in "energy".  I didn't know why, or how I came to this interest, yet it consumed me. Maybe it was the ghost in the back forest of our school that everyone called "bloody fingers".  Some girl was affected by a poison Halloween sucker, and had some experience in this back forest with some of the other kids (not me) and we all began running around trying to find a ghosts and stuff.  I knew then that there was something "extra" to the world that the adults were not divulging.  Paralleling this experience was the "Ghostbuster Movie" which further spoke of supernatural things amiss in the world.  Kids can be so impressionable...

Energy and the supernatural, led me to where I am now in the world as a child.  By the time I was in grade 7, I had figured out that I wanted to be a physicist and study the Nature of the Universe, and Energy.  Quickly though I realized, along with my parents and teachers, that my math skills were none to compare to what I would need to accomplish to ever even be considered to take physics in Senior High School.  So I didn't become a physicist I became some thing different.

When I was 13, my Mother, who was an amazing support at the time, gave me my first tarot deck.  I had gotten a book from the Coles Bookstore in the Cottonwood Mall in Chilliwack.  White Magic. I still have it.  The book was all about seasonal magic and it's pathworkings, and celebrations, for the annual motions of the beautiful Star, the Sun.  In this book there were tarot cards corresponding to the Equinox's, Solstices and so on.  I asked my Mom for this advanced deck of cards ...with what I thought were the most beautiful pictures. 

It was the Haidl Deck, which as I learned recently, has connections with the Thoth Deck  (*but that a note for a different conversation) and it taught me how to learn symbols, and elements, and so much more.  Little did I know that this simple act would ripple through the vortex and show so many truths throughout my years.  They number this year as 25 years with the same deck.  Some of them a little faded, and well loved through the lessons it has brought to the surface, they still know the awesome glory that I will begin to explain..

Before I do that though, I want to bring up Lessons.  We all have them, ..some more stronger than others, ..some virtually meaningless in practicality, others still ringing in our ears years later.  My lessons have been about struggle, and survival.  When I started this life, I was bruised and in concussion from being kicked by my brother on his way out the birth canal.  So literally, before I even had breathed air for the first time, I had been kicked down.  This was a cycle that still continues, ...and Im writing about it in the hopes that I can figure out why, maybe, ..or how it happened like this.  I don't want this to come out as baiting for drama or hate mail. ...Truth be told, I was beaten down.

When I was 3 I became very ill with spinal meningitis.  I was the first to get it (patient zero) and the doctors didn't know what was going on.  I suffered through 3 spinal taps, and fell into a coma before the concluded the diagnosis. I was dying, and whatever happened in that time, brought me closer to who I am.  My mother once commented that I was different after that experience.  That she could see how it had changed me, aside from being skin and bone after weeks in that coma.

Now I don't remember any of this, and I don't remember any of the abuse that followed from my father doled out in his effort to deal with his own personal troubles in life, and family. My Mother told me she left him in divorce and took me away from him because of this.  I was six when they divorced.  More seed in the earth for the struggles that were present in my karma.

Through grade school there was a lull after the divorce in terms of my personal struggle, but my Mom was very poor raising two twins boys on her own ..probably for minimum wage.  We struggled with money....

Then she met her second husband, who with some shaky beginnings became my stepfather and helped raise my brother and I with my Mom.  It seemed that family had come into the fold of the luck.  And when my Mom didn't accept his request to get married, it was the beginning of the end for that good time. 

I, when we had moved into Yarrow, was pretty much a Momma's boy, ...preppy 80's kid, in lacosste golf shirts, and in dance/acting/modelling lessons.  All the girls loved me, but I had the boys to contend with bullying, ...eggs at the house, chased, threatened, insulted not only by students but openly by teachers as well.  I wasn't like the other kids still, and never would be.  The struggle with bullying went straight through to grade 12.  I could examine it ..but why bother.  When I graduated, I thought to myself, ..."it's over, it's really over"   ...until my Mom kicked me out of the house at 17 and I was expected to take care of myself now.

I found a job through the mail, in Jasper.  And quickly got into trouble there with the local men as being "too friendly" with their girlfriends.  So I came out of the closet with these individuals...boy did the struggles amp up then.  They would bully me, and let the air out of my tires in an effort to deal with their prejudice.  I was just trying to get my head around the fact that my girlfriend had had my first born son as her baby six months earlier to all this ...Mother not knowing, hell, nobody in my family knew...I was slated to NOT be in his life for many years to come.  Stress.  Which lead to schism inside my psyche, Halloween Night 1993 on two hits of bunk LSD.  Something happened that night that would catapult me to who I am as a psychic and spiritualist.  (maybe you know the story, sorry if you don't)

When that schism began, ...I was one person. It took years to go through the fear, paranoia...I ended up on the street within a year later. Scared, lost, alone, unguided by keepers... it was dark times.  I had change from who I had been born as.  I had been drawn away from my purpose.

Until I met Gordon Janzen...who had the pleasure of showing me some great tools for life.  Tools I still utilize today, thankfully.  Maybe I've gone a little astray, but stay with me.  He showed me the Tarot, and it's magick and it's secrets, ..he taught me the most powerful lesson, even in his maniacal controlling ways.  I had many bullies including him. And more would follow...

So here I am, 2013, years after separating ways from Gordan, Jasper, High School, my son, and all the things I left behind.  And still I seem to have these bullies in my life.  They contradict themselves with their fake smiles, they blame me for things they should have not overlooked, and they send me this amazing energy of unknowing and detachment from the Source.  Because, you see, they didn't choose the same goal I did...they chose greed.  Where as through my struggles I learned that giving was more important.  This doesn't make me better, by any standard, other than wisdom.

So when I see people around me, and I see them taking it all for themselves, and giving so very little of themselves to get there. I don't forget these struggles, and I know that I planted all this.  I know now in 2013 that I cannot control people and their prejudice, and avarice.   I am told constantly that I am beacon of light for people, that I make a difference in the world for them.  And maybe it's not everyone..but it's the ones that count. 

I still have bullies, but they don't bother me as much.  And I know why...now.  Because they have nothing that is good in their life.  They chose greed, fear, avarice, and hate, with a disrespect for the divine in themselves.  They don't have the soul that I do, and in this lifetime, I doubt they will.  When they do, I will be right there, in the vortex of all good things, waiting for them to acknowledge their input into the machine that is their karma. 

I said this the other night, ....when other(s) insult me, or call me down, or manipulate me into their controlling fear, it does NOT say anything about who I am as a person.  I am within Light, without their approval, or their Love or Acceptance.  I know who I am.  I know what I've done.  The mistakes I've made, I have made a restitution with forgiveness, with myself.  I love myself, and also respect my path. I also forgive those people that would punish me for their ignorance, and unknowing.   They are not me, they did not struggle with the same that I did, so how could they come to the same conclusion....LOVE. 

Those bullies, they don't love...they are faking it until they make it.  And they will make the rest of the world bend around their stupidity, because they have no other  choice.  They will not learn...until they are ready.

Let's hope it's not too late of a time when that happens...