Im certain there's a better way to be happy than just serving the higher intentions? .........or is there? lately, somebody (me) seems to be the one dropping the ball in some peoples eyes, it's hard to excite the things I look up to with respect, maybe they are just tired those things. so much Work ahead, with only my inside voice as the real teacher. I see a lot of cool stares...oh wait, that's a mirror.
Why am I failing in these people eyes? (including my own)
I feel the draw of energy, ..I feel the pull of gravity, and knowing inside heart. Yet, somehow that feeling of belonging doesn't always make a lot of sense inside my brain. I see disconnection in myself, even when there is knowledge of Unity inter laced between my fractured waves of thought.
I know where I'm supposed to be,...Im there some moments. I feel a sense of urgency, ..but have fumbled so greatly that I can hardly begin without feeling the emotions of fear grow. How do we really grow past fear?...I mean, it's so impressed in our daily lives, how do we escape it forever? Maybe we need to face those fears, ...hopefully identify and eventually control it. But methods to means are not always clear, and when they are clear, it seems that there is things in my life that draw me away from my source. I don't want that, but there it is.
I try to be patient, and kind, and tolerate this place, and myself. But honestly, there's a part of me that is so done, and over the drama of living, the constant struggle for sustenance, and food for our souls, minds, bodies. Are we ever truly fed? Will we as a society every truly be "earth quenched ineffably into eternity?"
or will we Die? leaving cities and countrysides bare of humanity, to grow into disrepair and neglect like the weakest in our ranks? When do we find it, that thing, that changes us? ...And when we find it...I want us to be able to hold it, and be in being with it. Not to just be a moving body of light, on a body of light, in a body of light, moving to a body of light.. but a acquisition of force and conscious fixed thought. When will we build this as our strength, and not weapons/devices of fear/war/hate...?
We really all need to be working together, and sometimes I see it, ...mixing energies, finding solution and dissolution of negativity, I want to have it everyday ...every moment, ...but it's all it flux, ..man.....drives me to insanity to always be the bending reed, the passive, the tolerant, the patient, the kind. And know, in my deepest sense, that those things that I live and breathe, and foster...
...well, not everyone thinks like that...many are rigid, with no yielding, or care. Caught in their own senses, with little empathy, and boundless benevolence, seeking nothing but gratification. They force, and push, and pull away in ego, leaving often with no dignity or reason to anger. Again tripped out on the sensation of their wanting, obsession, and avarice. Leaving everything upturned in their effort to satisfy their needs.
I have often compromised my basic needs for others, in an effort to "get along" and "respect". But truly what respect is there in denying oneself the voice to find those things that are important to ones soul. I am grateful for my gifts, but I do not use them to the potential that would be necessary for any moment of peace. I am sad to say that conflict seems to be a parasite to my growing. Secretly I think there is a part of me that knows what will happen if I achieve the things of my dreams. Maybe it's that I will have to make new ones...and imagine a whole new space of existence.
I wish we all could all dream big , ....get it together. So close, inside the distance, between hearts; I will find the love I seek when it is the right time. Until then, as my besty would say ... nonnegotiable self care. For me ..that means, ..meditation, writing, exercise, wellness, healthy diet and work ahead in the schedule. There is no other choice than to forge forward, turning back is not an option. ...thankfully.
Im not afraid to fail anymore, and not so thankfully, failures can be burdensome; especially when they occur in communication, these points need to be admonished and forgiven. Truly the path to enlightenment begins with forgiving the past transgressions of self, not just the ones of others. When we find out selves worthy, we can do this...
I
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