I've been silent in this blog for a while; and since August, a week before my birthday, a lot of changes have happened. My lover and I, after over 2.5years of trying to make it work together in romance, decided it best we keep our relationship platonic for the time at hand, as well as separate the co-habitation agreement as well, ...all culminating from a series of events happening in a place over 800km from home. Needless to say this years Winter was truly full of hard lessons.
Aside from some pride lost, there are two friends that were quite close to me that have fallen out of closeness. Both of them basically charging me to figure my shit out without them, they both have their own lives now to manage. And I respectfully have less drama in my life, and for that I am very grateful.
Sometimes when people are spending all their time telling others how wrong/bad/unusual/chaotic they are as they deny, essentially any real solution. They just want compliance, and frankly I'm not in the mood for that. Life is a strange a power thing and perceptions lately are quite strong that I am in a proper place for the growth that I so much am needing. I am doing what is right for me.
I've managed to let go of a lot lately; and Im not even talking about the facts behind this hard necessity. It is though leaving me with a veritable blank canvas to create on, and in some ways that's what we have to look at each day as we wake up and carry our daily routine. A new beginning happening with each canvas, a new possibility for creation...we are a our core all creators.
Myself as an esoteric artist often needs to express, in certain terms, a thing that is a feeling or a flash of a image behind my minds eye, ...much like a expressionist painter/sculptor will do. Only the paints and brushes I use are crystals and tarot cards. I can create any picture through gridding my crystals to form a field to work in, and the cards are philosophies that I must balance against each other, the colors of the rainbow & beyond.
I open my senses and I ask, ....is the answer in me. And it always is.
I felt the pull of a certain feeling from this Winter, ....and one would think that I would feel vulnerable or maybe even weak as I let go of these relationship, and more. I don't though, I feel strong, I kept my power and didn't give into their obvious ignorance. And yes I was at the end of some pretty amazing psychic energy, most of it pretty negative. There was tears, and anger, and even some unsuspecting strangers have been pulled into the gravity.But I am dealing with the drama in my life by removing myself from the vicinity of it's power.
One person even when as far to say "it's easy to avoid judgement when you avoid relationships" ...and I just laugh at their total disregard to their own contribution the the equation, ....the judgement. So I'm pretty clear that I don't need these people in my life. As for my bf and I ....we are trying to remain friends, which still plays out some emotions...emotions both of us are pretty honest about.
I guess there is a point where we just realize there are no more lessons to be learned in a certain school, and must be wise and move to a place where there can be growth.
Seems my growth currently means to be me with myself. And I will find a greater mood from within, and not have to look to others for qualification of my own worth. I know my worth, ...it's others that don't understand it. And that's not their duty to either, ...it's their loss. A loss they are sadly unaware of for the most part due to fact that they are more concerned with being right than anything. I don't need to be right, I need to be safe, and in that Im letting go of that drama, and finding myself as my own hero.
I'd rather be alone right now that be on the end of flaky, and also admittedly fake relationships...fake as in they really are not supportive, ...not to my spirit, or soul at least.
it's nobody fault, Im not looking to blame others. I am walking away though and finding my power. Im not a slave to a relationship just to make it work. I have better things to do, like have my own life. Something I don't think I've ever been able to give myself.
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