Namely the sick boy with the rare type of cancer. Seems after some serious surgery, travel and more he's doing better, and has his hair back. The father of this child, my former bully..he sent me a request via social media, and asked that we find some common ground. I had aggressively and in a drunk I believe sent him a very poisonous letter. I didn't even really remember the letter to be honest, ...I looked 2011 was when I sent the letter, ...far before his child was ever sick. Really struck that he had atoned for his trespasses against me.
We didn't go through the paces of picking things apart, and he assured me that he is a much different person these days compared to his youth. He said also that we had worked together and thought that it would have been a great time to do it then. 20 years ago. I was not even able to relate at the time with him. Youth...
I was though in this converse able to let go of that part of the puzzle...and knowing that his son is safer now from disease, does give me some joy. And not anymore just for the boy or his mother, ...for my former bully. Operative word "former". I need to drop all the baggage I can right now.
Also since my last entry ...the ex, come working on it, has turned into oblivion. (pretty much). It's hard for us to be even around each other any longer, ..so much loss we are both dealing with. He's protected though, and so I am in some respects in not on different levels. My soul is intact, ...my mind is stronger, my heart is ...in pain, my spirit discouraged (as my counselor describes me) and still I have the gratitude that I did do my very best with the shit show I was given.
I actually don't know what is next for me. I have, as so many have before me, sacrificed all in my pure lust of result. Foolish to bring your all, some will say. I don't though, ...I say bring your best and be disappointed at nothing in the end. Maybe bringing ones best is not enough to win every battle. But I know that I am a man of means after this year. I certainly know how to survive when my everything has been cut loose. There isn't a part of my life not affected this year.
Finances, ...Love, Family, Friends, Home, Personal Growth, Death, Rest, Play, Work. Magick. nothing was spared.
All of them falling away from me, ..slowly leaving me in a place of total solitude..and silence. My birthday spent with two good friends, was mild and eventful only in the caliber that there were not a lot of people around to celebrate it with. I was actually fine on my birthday, ...regardless of the cliche` want for attention. It's what followed which burns.
My Father and I had a great fight where he termed me as a "bum fucking, cum drinking, cock breathed tubby that had accomplished nothing" Needless to say I felt pretty justified in calling him a prick ...and he better hope he doesn't see me face to face before he's a corpse, There will be no nicety from me to him any longer. I should have given up on him a long time ago. Only I saw so much of him in me, and wanted to believe that he could be saved to. But it's not like that , ..people have to make their own choice. Something I have been learning over and over throughout the years as people choose their lives away from me.
He was the last drop really,...nothing really is in my inner circle other than me right now. I'd like to say I have a partner in crime, or a hot tamale who has my interest. I'd love to say that I am in a community that understands me and accepts me, respects me and supports me. And someday's that gets me down. I am grateful, regardless. .....funny really.
Yet, lately , ..I've been even letting go of the need for anything. I don't feel hungry for food like I have in past recent years. I can do the things that are important to me, and not have to have another with me to make it valuable. My Hermit year is at an end, ..and in my quest to find meaning in the universe, I have found there is no meaning, ...the whole experience is abstract and chaotic, ..and even thought there is patterns ...there is always the cycle of death, ...it will claim all life on earth one day, ..and for that I am grateful as well
I really am, ..Im grateful I have come through the dark night and realized there's nothing but existence and nothing. Love and Life may not be separate, yet they exist in different parts of our mind, ...love for me being a want or need to serve and find enjoyment, ..and life being the expression of that love. Any ways...the past is the past, ..and yes, ..we all make mistakes. We trust when we shouldn't, we deny our instincts and chase that thing that is impossible, that's what really makes us human. We can choose to follow our instincts or choose to ignore them. What that really translates into I have no idea.
But around the corner there is a good space for us all to find celebration. This year of Growth for me is about finding the opportunities and gifts that I have built in my past for this future,...because they are there, waiting to be revealed. I have something up my sleeve, ..I just have to find out what it's going to be, and how it will correspond with my next steps.
I have taken on some new friends and some new energy this year already in the cusp. I know I can make some goals and stick to them ...so much more to write about really but ...honestly it will just have to wait....don't want to jinx the sphinx.
Love and Blessing of Great Abundant Creation. May we all find wealth in Gratitude.
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