This morning, in a dream, I fought with my past, and the things I have left in my subconscious from the past. I can say, I see many things day to day (just like anyone)... I see love and greatness in the world, not only in the the things that exist in it ..but also the energy within those things that exist.
I'm dreaming, and I see people riding bicycles through trees just off the property of my grandparents old property. I'm inside the front door looking out through the glass part of the screen door to the front yard. Instead of a street directly in front there are what look like hemlock trees (tall tall with the trunks all close together).
The bicycles are colored, one is white with a unknown man riding, and a red bike...the others are nondescript. The red bike emerges from the trees and an old friend of mine who I share some considerable negative past with hangs her head as she walks up the grade of the lawn.
I charge out the screen door, screaming and yelling for her to get off the property to leave and not bother me with her presence. She disappears....
Later, after some time walking down the hallway of Yarrow Elementary, I drop a container of something resembling hair product on the stairs to the front entrance. It bounces around wildly, but does not spill its contents and I exit the school to find two students outside, ..strangers ..teens ...well dressed, clean, polite. And the male of the two people he says something that catches my ear...I tell him he better not be talking to me and he begins to apologize for any disrespect and that he wasn't talking to me. ...I back off and tell him if he's not talking to me, ..Im not concerned.
...I find myself at a large black marble table with dark wood tiles around the edge of it's corners. Across from me is my friend again, ...she is very grey colored and she asks clearly "What have I done to you?" ....rage fills in me and I climb over the large table and begin pointing and screaming obscenities at her, charging her with the fact that she knows perfectly well what she has done in the past 19years to me.
I wake up and Im and cold, Im out of breath and my cat is stretched llying down asleep at the foot of the bed...
How, after 19 years of dealing with these feeling do I still harbor such anger and hatred still. Granted it was in the subconscious of my mind, activated by a dream. But still, ..if this energy is in me? How can I follow beside my kin away from the anger and hate. Beside my kin into the future beyond duality....
I want so much to have this over and done with, to know my Son, to know the Truth behind Why? all this had to happen...if any of us can hardly remember what it was back then. It was because I wasn't what Angie expected out of the Father of her child. It wasn't because I didn't take her back after she left me for 6 months in the dark without contact, after dumping me directly after finding out about the pregnancy.
I don't have to ask myself what I am angry at anymore, and though the dream was not directly about her, I know that the image is trying to give it to me lightly, and with some subversive nature, but what I am sure in my conscious mind that I am not welcome in these peoples lives...Angie's (mother of my only born child), Nikki's (best friend to Angie), or Troy's (the Son I don't know).
So with these things happening ....my rage (inside), and their apathy (in the material world) ....where do I find an answer? ...or do I stop looking for an answer, ..do I "move on" and "let go" of all it, ...and forget I even know these people, ..for certainly now we do not know anything of each other in the present. And if I do let go and move on .......am I still within love???
If I abandon the dream, do I forget how much that dream meant to me at one time? ...or does it just get shoved away into the depths to be sadly forgotten; only to reappear in frightening dreams that leave me feeling less than human, and more like an empty shell of a nut eaten by vermin.
My faith is not tested by this anymore. I know I will not have that dream now. As my Son grows into a young adult and matures into his prime, I hope that there is some part of him that knows I'm there for him....in spirit anyway. And if he doesn't, ..well, I'm good with that too, because, some wishes are too great even for a Universe with such vast possibilities as ours.
Thanks to all the people in the past 19years that know what I have gone through and been challenged by.
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