Spreading the Word

Some people talk to me about my blog once in a while, some say that they don't always agree with what I'm writing, but, that the very fact I'm sharing is enough to keep them reading.  I won't make any qualms about the fact that this can often be a venting place, somewhere to get it out in the open:  the facts of being Stewie.  I wish more people could share with me in this project, if it can even be called that anymore...

I understand that most people are private and need some sort of autonomy in there everyday lives, environments, relationships.  I mean after all open up with the secrets behind the veil of the body, and into the depths of the mind, feeling, emotion it can scary.  People don't want to know the truth, that's what's really bothering me most of the time.  It makes me even more annoyed when I realize I'm doing it as well:  keeping my distance in a hope of survival inside detachment. 

My brother the other day mentioned that that is how the both of us have made it as far as we have...we were born with survival instincts from our pedigree and upbringing.  Nobody has it easy, that is certain, Phil and I are an exact example of hard knocks...both of us with some interesting stories for sure hiding beneath the surface of politeness, and manners.

I'm learning though the greatest way to find safety though, is to truly let yourself fall; not all the way into oblivion, but deeper into pure will and trust.  I'm learning the greatest way to find strength is to be vulnerable.  Putting myself in the way of wind and toil and trouble, and let belief, faith, trust, love guide me. 

I may not always look it when I'm bothered by something I'm passionate about, or for some reason I had expectations that did not find manifestation.  I know though that even in my dark moments there is something in me that is not in a lot of people.  Some call it a sparkle in the eye, or gifted.  I believe my Mother said once that even as a small child I was "touched".  (Early in my life I had a near death experience...ask me about it if your interested)

This piece of me that has evolved into the person you know today and to whomever is out there, even in my darkness and sometimes veritable hate for the material world.  I know deep inside that we are all heading towards love and understanding.  That's when we will have be united with our source of life and even maybe consciousness.  Who can really say what happens when our lights go out? None...

I come home from work some nights and I am boggled by the sheer ridiculousness of humanity and it's immaturity.  How can we be heading to the divine as we exist now?  (I ask myself this, and I wonder if I will be always inside it's grasp)  I guess we all get lost in our particular orbits, and circles, and cycles.  And still though, we have more consequence than reward says my boyfriend.  Why?

We may never know for sure, ...does it matter?

I know I am loved, I am not alone, and neither are any of us reading this.  We are all within reach of something close to our hearts when we make it important enough.  If we seek our ends with trust and love, we will find it.

Thank you all for being here with me.  It feels real, and within my world when even in my silent apartment, I am found.