It's time to stop the lie, that the level of self medicating I attend is "working". I have spent years doing all sorts of things to find some satisfaction, and..sometimes, somethings did get me there, ..but not without a price, a price not only to the wallet but to the body and mind, and in some cases even the soul. (I believe in the soul)
Addiction is not only a killer of the corporal body, I truly believe that hard core addiction degrades the soul body, and even though I quit hard drugs over 6 years ago, I still feel the effects of those substances on my body, mind and soul. I wonder if I have lost a part of myself in that process, a piece I may never possibly be able to find, or reconnect with. Do I still even have the voice or will to call back the wonder that I experienced in those times?
Surely I do have the voice, and yet it wasn't always there, it's a recent development actually. After 6 years, I can finally breathe out and exhale a bit in relief. I didn't relapse into hard core addiction, but I have only quit smoking cigarettes a mere 3months20days ago. This is good too, ...I have beat nicotine, for now. I have quit before and fallen off the wagon at 6months (due to stress). This time though, I have positive friends, and people of great importance in my life. I am not on the edge of life, and nor am I close to danger...safety is the most important thing a person needs to do the things they want to do.
There is alcohol, the wonderful friend of the world with it's liquid intoxication..though I might add I didn't mix too well with that spirit. I have been smashed drunk but found in moderation alcohol can be quite soothing. I have been lucky to have not been sucked into this possible possession. Alcohol and me have a unique understanding, an understanding not present with most other things I have just talked about...
In less than 2 1/2 days on the fall of the 2010 Autumnal Equinox I will cast aside one more substance I am in unbalance with...I have partaken in it everyday for the past 17years at least (with few exceptions), sometimes over a dozen times in one day, often (if not "today" itself) woken up and went straight to it for comfort.
To what end? (some may ask)
To the end that I find myself as I am, and not as I am on any drug/alcohol/cigarette... looking to find a pure self beyond addiction, beyond action from substance. I prefer to actually see with my own eyes now, not the eyes of another spirit. I am ready to see the world as it truly is, in all it's wonder and matter of proportion it stands for.
I know there is change in the world, I want to be apart of the change toward evolution.
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