To What End ...?

I started this project long before I started this blog, I was at Saturn Returns 6 years ago when I quit hard drugs.  The details surrounding that even are beyond normal communications, and not appropriate for this medium.  But, needless to say, like any addict that has quit for good, I did (for myself) find the motivation to stop the cycle with hard drugs.  ..and then again with cigarettes this last June 1st, and now marajuana in the present now.

I'm on day 3 without, and I am doing fine.  The flash anxiety and thoughts from the past bubbling to the surface make me wonder "Why am I doing this?".  To what end will these events lead me? ..or rather where do I prefer these events to lead me.

When I quit hard drugs in 2004 all I could think in general was, .."don't fall away from love" (meaning mostly family and friends).  At the time my drug addiction had left me with a telephone that did not ring; when merely months before I was flooded with requests for attention.  I have to say though it was attention that I didn't need.

When I quit cigarettes in June 2010, what I was thinking of in general was "money" and how to keep it in my wallet for as long as possible, and also "health" because I was hacking and coughing up some pretty scary stuff.  I also had some great motivation from a great friend who offered new shoes if I managed to make it a month without nicotine. 

And now we have the final draw... I have quit my favorite...marajuana.  The first 3 days were pretty tough, ..but now, I think I maybe have it under control.  The anxiety and the moodiness were pretty crazy.  But then, it's like that all the time no matter what we are rejecting in terms of our addictions. 

My dreams have been nothing short of EPIC, since I quit.  And aside from the irritable mood, and insomnia, I think that I am going to make it the six months to Spring Equinox and not smoke it.

But I digress, a bit, ...the theme of this entry is to acknowledge the end I hope to accomplish with all this. And it's simple... I want to have a future.  My family failed to provide me with one as a child, so now, ..at 35 I am tasked with finding it myself.  A task, I suspect, will become more clear as my body begins to get all the free radicals from smoking out.

I want a life I can respect, and that doesn't necessarily suggest that, I can't respect my life now.  Just that, in general, respect comes from work and trials, and also sometimes perseverance.  I will find my future beyond substance abuse, I will find a "now" I can look at and not be too critical.  When I quit smoking cigarettes, ..I began to toke like it was going out of style.  The money alone was getting out of control.

I guess that brings me to my next "ends".  I want control over my life as well.  Being the slave to the addictions of drugs, cigarettes, and marajuana brought me out of control in my life.  And though control is a illusion, I fear also that totally giving in to every whim and passing desire, will not feed my higher purpose.  Which is what I am hoping to serve eventually...somehow.

I guess the next step is to find that higher purpose...to find that thing in my life that has always been there waiting to be nurtured, but hasn't because of the constant "dis-sobriety".  I don't expect any of this to bring me what I want.  I am still going to have to play an active part in the motion I am creating.  I will have to become a greater Magi that I already am.  One that can manifest beyond his own, and others expectations.

My will is strong, my head is on my shoulders, ...my heart, though cut and bleeding, is healing and full of so much love that sometimes I surprise myself with the amount of forgiveness I have.  Not only for others, but also for the parts in myself that need forgiveness. (we all need this)

As I go further into this experience, I am certain things will become more lucid and have less clouds around them in general.  But, one thing at a time, and all things in time...patience is my most treasured friend now. And I cannot forget the "ends" that I hope to accomplish... all this is happening for a larger purpose, and though there may be a lot of neglect in my past, the future I create will be mine, and not some drugs.