So with all this dropping away of the things that don't serve me, I decided to send my lost Father a letter to remind him of what he has done to me generally, and specifically. Im not sure what will come out of it. I figured after the amount of ignorant dismissal by him that is was time I leveled the field and let him know, that I know what he has done. I am an adult now and can see clearly the events of my past in the bigger picture.
I spent a mere 20 minutes writing the letter, outlining in not so many words, that he should reconsider what he is and what he has contributed in the present and past towards not only me but my twin. (which is quite menial) It' wasn't a kind letter, but it wasn't brushing with any malice either. I did nothing but tell the truth, which, my father told me once "sets us free".
In my adult years, even I see the long lasting effects of the years before my parents divorce have had on me. Im not going to get into specifics, but needless to say he fell short of responsible, and caring. He also fell short of hero and mentor as well. A fate I might comment is not unusual for many children and their Fathers. I don't know why this is. I know that through faults of my own and others I with my own Son, have fallen very short of hero and mentor as well. (but that is not what we are talking about).
I set the situation free, it was quite late, ..after 4am. I couldn't sleep ..a usual happening in the last week. And I was thinking "what do I have to lose?". I mean, my father isn't in my life, ..he doesn't want to be, and I don't want him to be either. He's an uneducated, socially inept fool..who has practically tossed all three of his children to the curb at some time or another, for childish and immature reasons. Holding children responsible for the choices they are forced to make.
We always hope that our parents can be bigger than the children they are raising, but when it come s to the true nature of the man, we all are reacting emotional creatures. This morning I didn't react I did what needed to be done, and laid the truth down. I stood and delivered my story without any inhibition. I don't expect a reply...(he ignored my greeting s on his birthday and Fathers Day this year, while acknowledging my sisters.) I fear my love is not what he is looking for, and frankly I have grown tired of waiting for him to come around. Im moving on.
He doesn't know what he has done to me, and I also fear he will not ever understand the complexity that he has created. What I will say is that I am a survivor of abuse...beyond neglect.
I remember being quite young and the family was sitting down to dinner for KFC, we were quite poor and even at that young age I knew it was a treat to get fried chicken and the fixings for dinner. When it came time to eat though, I was denied chicken on the grounds that my doctor had diagnosed me, at the time, with an ulcer...a five year old with a ulcer? What in the world would be stressing out a five year old in 1980 so much that he would develop an ulcer? I let you draw your own conclusions.
Needless to say, I didn't get the answer to that question until I was much past graduation and deep in mental disease after years of drug abuse and consequently drug psychosis.
My Mother had saved me from even more damage by divorcing my Father, and I felt for the first time "loved" and "safe". My twin brother didn't have the same experience unfortunately...for him there was something much different, except that is his story, not mine.
I have come out of those days alive and intact, but the things I learned in those young formative years have stayed with me. I can sense danger from a far distance away, ....like a sixth sense, a knowing, and hyper sensitivity. I can determine very quickly what will be safe and what will not. Sometimes it serves me, and sometime, I fear it can hold me back and slow me down. My constant weighing of each situation is not always complete I must admit. For the most part though, I haven't strayed totally off track in life, regardless of my social or financial status.
Regardless of my past, I didn't not repeat the cycle and become the image of my Father to my own Son. In fact, I had no hand in my Sons life (other than sperm donor). Something I know is his power, ...who knows what would have become of me if I had been tasked to help his Mother raise him. I may have become my Father and turned my Sons life into a nightmare, instead of the safety that I am sure he experienced. I may have not totally consciously made that choice ...but I made that choice through my inaction's.
I can be thankful for that, even if the consequence was my own health. I can be at peace that my Son never had to go through what I did. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, enemy or otherwise. I have to admit, I doubt I would have not ever been ready to raise a child. I feel still, sometimes, that I still am that child, or that that child is buried in me deep .....hiding from the world and the pain in it.
If you are an adult now, and are a survivor of abuse, be sure to give yourself the respect that you didn't give up, and that you are reading this, and still learning. People like my Father, they cannot learn any new skills...their growth has ended and they will stand in stasis for the entire completion of their lives.
I felt better after I wrote the letter, in fact, soon after I returned to bed this morning after completing it, I did fall asleep like a babe. ...so my actions have brought peace, and even if that peace is temporary, ...I will take it.
No comments:
Post a Comment