Through all of this letting go, ...one finds the blocks and obstacles of their own design bubbling to the surface and rearing their horrid head. It's been 18 days since I quit marijuana, and to be honest, it is most certainly making ripples on the surface of the pond.
I told myself that I would try not to drink in this period too much, but have found myself, more and more, turning to spirits to combat the myriad of emotions flying around me constantly. It's like all the things that were driving me to do drugs, smoke cigarettes, and pot...they are all coming into the open. Ive tried to face them head on, and for the most part it's a positive experience. I've tried to be strong, but still....there is alcohol. And I have to find some balance....sigh*
Usually alcohol isn't a problem with me, ..I don't drink socially most of the time, I drink occasionally. Yet, since I began this process of letting go, ...I have just grabbed a hold of alcohol in my attempt to find peace. Of course, no peace is going to be found in alcohol, ...only drama and more addiction.
I am actually finding myself with two hangovers in the last week, which is like a first in years and years...two in one week? .(it's almost a oddity). I fall further away from part of my goal which is independence from substance....but with all this going on inside me, ...how should I find that peace that I am so desperately seeking?
Ive tried spirituality, and it only brought me to further from the light as I was surrounded by vampires and tyrants..people who claim to be the light, except they are only shadows of Divinity. As soon as they have extinguished any use for me, I am discarded. I have done meditation, and the rituals that can help to balance, and still though, balance does not erase the past, ..nor, in my experience, does it make peace. If anything Balance requires much work ....and often without the same reward a drug or alcohol can bring.
To tell you the truth, ...Im not really changed at all by the experience of quitting all this foolery and addiction. An acquaintance of mine said I had changed very little on the inside. The problem it seems is not in the substance, but in my sight of the world. Negative feelings, negative emotions, negative associations with the world is what drove me to addiction. It wasn't the drug that I was addicted to ...it was the constant fight with ones self to stay the course in my battle to find balance. And so I find that balance does not come from the things we do but rather how we do them, and how we feel while we do them.
I don't know where things are going to head from here. Today is Thanksgiving Day, and there is a turkey dinner waiting for me somewhere in the heights of Coal Harbor. I am going to try and be positive about the experience...regardless of my instincts (probably not smart). And hopefully, just maybe I can finally find the peace I am looking for...I have to try. (otherwise I won't be able to look at myself in the mirror)
I expect nothing of the sort I might add, ..it will be as it always is ...with people all around living out their lives. Indulgent and full of heathen debauchery, and with no care for the pain and suffering in the world , ....stuffing their faces, and loosening their belts in gluttony at the end of the meal. And I will join in , ...because that is what is expected of me... some of them won't even be able to finish their meals , ....because the will have taken too much on their plate. (not unlike me in this project towards health).
I don't expect to make more friends in this process of letting go, ...and probably at the end of it there is going to be so much change around me, that I will hardly recognize myself in the mirror when I look. I was told last night that I speak the "truth". Well, if one knows anything about truth, it's that, at the beginning ...nobody wants to hear it.
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